Summer of Seventeen (14 page)

Yansi looked like she was about to cry, and Megan just looked … I didn’t give a shit how Megan looked—my eyes were on Yansi.

“Is it true?”

I froze, and she must have seen the guilt on my face.

“Oh my God! It
is
true! I didn’t believe it, even though everyone told me it was. How could you, Nick? After everything you said about … about waiting, and it didn’t matter. How could you do it? With
her?

I tried to answer, tried to find the words, but all I could do was stare with an appalled expression on my face.

“Yans…” I choked out.

She strode forward and slapped my face, rocking my head to the side with the force of the blow.

“Yans, please…”

“I
hate
you,” she screamed, then gasped something in Spanish that I couldn’t catch.

She ran out of the door and I started to follow her, but Megan blocked my way.

“She doesn’t want to talk to you. Asshole.”

Then she turned on her heel, and the next thing I heard was the car screeching away from the curb.

I sank back onto the sofa, nausea swirling in my stomach, my cheek burning from where she’d hit me.

“I can’t believe it. My own brother.”

Julia was standing at the door, her arms folded, a disgusted look on her face.

“You fucked some skank at a party? Well, Anayansi has done the right thing dumping your ass. After everything Mom said to you about respect, and you turn around and do this.”

“I didn’t!” I yelled. Then more quietly, “I mean, I did, but it wasn’t like that!” Frustration heated my voice.

But Julia laughed coldly.

“Really? You were just walking along and oops, you fell dick first into some girl.”

“Pretty much, yeah,” I muttered, half to myself.

“God, you men are so pathetic,” she grit out, her tone disbelieving. “Some slut drops her panties and you’ve all got your tongues hanging out. You forget you’ve got wives and girlfriends and…”

“You don’t know what happened, so just shut the fuck up!” I shouted, leaping off the sofa. “You weren’t there! You don’t know what it was like!”

“Did you fuck some girl?”

I took a deep breath.

“Yes, but…”

“There is no ‘but’!” she yelled, pointing her finger in my face. “Guys like you are disgusting and pathetic. I can’t believe my own brother…”

“You wanna tell me the reason Ben broke it off with you?” I spit at her. “Nothing to do with the fact you were like a bitch in heat every time Marcus walked into the room.” I laughed flatly at her shocked expression. “Yeah, I know about that. The difference is that I gave you the benefit of the doubt and didn’t go screaming at you, because I’ve
seen
Marcus in action and I know what he’s like. Not that he’d be interested in a crazy bitch like
you
. And you know what else? How the fuck Ben put up with your whining and complaining all these years is a freakin’ mystery. Guy deserves a gold medal. No wonder he dumped
your
ass.”

Her face creased and I thought she was going to hit me, too. I tensed, ready to grab her arm if she did. But instead she sank onto the sofa and started crying; ugly, heavy tears that made her mascara run and her nose fill with snot.

She looked so defeated and hopeless that I felt like a complete douche.

I sat down next to her and tried to put my arm around her, but she shoved me away.

“I’m sorry…” I began.

She cried harder, making weird choking sounds and wiping her nose on her sleeve. I didn’t know what to do, so I sat there listening to her cry, until finally it sounded like she was stopping. I darted into the kitchen and grabbed some tissues so she had something else to wipe her face with.

She snatched the tissues from my hands and muttered a quiet, “Thanks.”

“I’m sorry,” I said again, lamely.

“I’m not,” she snapped, sounding more like herself again. “You’re still a jerk.”

So much for an apology.

“Yeah, well, if you want to blame anyone, blame yourself,” I said tiredly.

“What?”

“You’re always acting like you can’t be bothered with Ben; always telling him he’s an idiot or boring. I mean, yeah, he is boring, but no guy needs to hear that.”

She stared at me, her face streaked with tears and mascara.

“I don’t do that.”

“Um, yeah, you kind of do.”

“I love Ben,” she hiccupped.

“Really?” I shook my head, “Well, maybe you should tell him that sometimes.”

“I do!” she protested.

“When was the last time?” I challenged her.

She didn’t answer.

“You treat the guy like furniture, Ju.”

“At least I didn’t cheat on him while I was drunk at a party!” she snapped back.

“Yeah, that’s kind of your fault, too,” I sighed, trying to rub away the headache that was building behind my eyes.

“What?”

“If you hadn’t told Marcus what a fuck-up I was, I’d have stayed to eat pizza with you that night,” I chuckled without humor. “I got so wasted because I hadn’t eaten all day; then I passed out. When I woke up, Erin was sitting on my dick. True story. So think what the fuck you like.”

The truth was that I still did the deed so I had to take responsibility for my actions—and I should have manned the fuck up and answered my damn phone when Yansi called.

I stood up tiredly and headed for the stairs, each one feeling like I was climbing a mountain.

I lay face down on the bed, reliving the moment when Yansi had asked me, ‘Is it true?’ I’d had two days to think what I should say to her, but when it came to it, I couldn’t even speak. That was it; we were finished. And it was my own damn fault.

My cheek throbbed. I held onto the pain, because it was all I had left.

I was still dazed by what had just happened. I couldn’t believe that Yansi had gone off at me like that. Well, I could—and I didn’t blame her—but she wouldn’t even listen to me.

I dug my hands into the covers and pulled the pillow over my head as my throat closed up, and I felt the burn of tears starting. I forced them back along with the pain in my chest.

Yansi was gone and I’d never even had the chance to tell her that I … how I felt about her.

I couldn’t even bring myself to think the ‘L’ word, let alone say it. Not that there was any point now.

Losing Yansi was worse than losing my mom. I know that sounds fucked up, but watching Mom get sicker and sicker, weaker and thinner every day, seeing her in so much pain, I wanted her to die. I wanted her to give up. I sat by her fucking hospital bed day after day
praying
that tonight was the night when she’d die. If I’d had the guts, I’d have done it myself. I could see the look on her face when she woke up, asking,
Why am I still here?
And I’d say, “It’s okay, Mom. You can let go now. Please just let go, Mom. We’re going to be okay. I promise we’ll be okay. We’ll look after each other.”

So yeah, I wished my mom would die. And then she did, and I missed her so much. Not the sick woman, the woman who smelled of piss and shit because she couldn’t control her body anymore: that wasn’t my mom.

I remembered the woman who made me pancakes and cinnamon rolls for breakfast, and loved to laugh and dresse up to go out on the town with Aunt Carmen. Her hair was so pretty—before it all fell out.

My mom was beautiful, and the cancer made her ugly.

I didn’t even register when Julia knocked the first time. The second time, I ignored her, but she came in anyway.

I felt the mattress move as she sat down, and when she started tugging at the pillow, I didn’t fight it.

Knowing that whatever lecture she felt the need to give was on its way, I sat up and slumped against the headboard. But she surprised me.

“I’m sorry, Nicky,” she said. “Sorry about Yansi. I know that you … that she meant a lot to you.”

“Yeah,” I muttered.

“Tell me what happened?”

So I told her the whole sordid story again, but this time she listened without yelling.

“That’s really fucked up,” she said softly, once I’d finished.

“I know.” My voice was bitter.

“Did you tell Yansi everything?”

I shook my head.

“Why not?”

“I didn’t get the chance, did I?”

“But this happened on Friday. You’ve had since then to tell her. Didn’t you think…?”

“Of course I fucking thought!” I snapped. “I’ve thought about nothing else. I nearly cut my damn foot off at work, because I was thinking about how to tell her!”

“So why didn’t you?”

“Because! Because it seemed … selfish. I get to tell her—big confession, right? And she has to hear that I’ve … been with another girl. I thought … I just thought that it would be better that she didn’t know, but now…”

Julia shook her head sadly. “I don’t think Yansi sees it that way. But I get it, I do. In your own messed up way you were trying to protect her. But it must look to her like you just got caught.”

“I know,” I said wearily. “I’ve blown it with her.”

Julia sighed. “Maybe. Maybe not. Give her a day or so to cool off, then try texting her. Don’t give up if she’s what you really want, Nicky.”

“Are you ever going to call me ‘Nick’?”

“Probably not,” she said, shrugging her shoulders, a small smile on her face.

We sat in silence for a moment, lost in our thoughts.

“So, what about you and Ben?” I asked.

I’d gotten used to having him around, and even though Julia hadn’t seemed that happy with him, she was a helluva lot more miserable without him. I knew what that felt like.

“Are you guys trying to work it out?”

Her face twisted and she looked down at her hands. “I guess I’m better at giving advice than taking it.”

“Ben’s a good guy,” I said. “He’ll see that you didn’t do anything.”

“You don’t even like Ben,” she murmured. “You think he’s boring.”

“No, I don’t.” She skewered me with a look. “Okay, I do think he’s boring,” I admitted. “But he’s still a good guy. Puts up with all your crap.”

She sighed. “I guess he reached his limit.”

“Then … you were … hitting on Marcus?”

Julia stared out of the window. “I don’t know. Not really. Maybe I was. He’s just so … I don’t know, different. He’s been all over the world. I’ve never even left Florida, except to stay with Aunt Carmen in Detroit after she moved away. And I’ve dated Ben since I was 18. Maybe I was bored, but…”

“But?” I prompted her, a little bit amazed that she was really talking to me.

“But I don’t know. I don’t know if I would have … gone through with it. I mean, yeah, Marcus is hot…” she smiled at the look of revulsion on my face. “Well, he is. Obviously. But … he’s not Ben. But I don’t know … and that’s why I haven’t called Ben.”

I nudged her shoulder. “Give him a few days then try texting him. I hear that works sometimes.”

She gave a quiet laugh. “Thanks for the advice.”

“Anytime.”

She sighed, then looked up to meet my eyes.

“Look, about Yansi … she’s just hurt right now; her pride’s been dented. No girl likes to think that her boyfriend is sleeping around…”

“I’m not!” I protested hotly.

“I know, but … that’s how it looks … like you’ve gone from her bed to that skank’s and…”

“I haven’t,” I interrupted. “I mean, me and Yansi … we haven’t … done that…”

The words trailed away as Julia stared at me.

“Oh for fuck’s sake! I’m not sleeping with Yansi! Okay?”

“But … I thought…”

“Well, you were wrong,” I said sourly.

She looked at me carefully.

“So … this thing with Erin … are you sure you weren’t just aiming to get laid or…?”

“No! I didn’t want it to be with her!”

Her eyes grew wider, and she chewed on her lip before speaking.

“Nicky, are you saying … are you saying that this … with Erin … was that your first time?”

I couldn’t meet her eyes, so I studied the hole in the hem of my t-shirt.

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

There was silence, and after a few seconds I couldn’t stand not knowing what she was thinking. When I looked up, her face was pitying.

“I’m so sorry, Nicky. No one’s first time should be like that.”

I sighed.

“Yeah, well. Too late to do anything about it now.”

“I just thought … I just assumed that you’d been sleeping with girls for years.”

I looked at her curiously.

“Why did you think that?”

“Well, Sean…”

“What about him?”

“He’s been hooking up with Lacey Russo for about a year now—I know her sister, and she told me. She was furious because she caught them at home once while their parents were away. And Sean’s always talking about some girl or other that he’s banging…”

That was true, although I wasn’t sure I always believed him.

“And he was forever going on about girls you’d met at parties,” she continued, “so I just assumed that you were both…”

“You assumed I was sleeping around. Fuck. You assumed I was cheating on Yansi all this time!”

Julia’s expression was guilty.

“Well, that’s how it looked.”

A lot of things made sense now: why Yansi and Sean hated each other so much. She thought he was encouraging me to dip my dick in every girl who looked at me; and he thought she was uptight and possessive, keeping me on a leash when I wasn’t getting any.

I was so dumb not to have seen all that before.

“It made me angry to think that you were behaving like that after everything Mom went through.”

I chewed over my question before I asked it.

“Do you know what happened with her … and my dad?”

She frowned. “No, she never said. I was only five—I don’t remember any guy in particular.” She looked at me sympathetically. “You never asked her?”

“I meant to…”

She nodded. “Yeah, I get that.”

Julia’s dad still sent her birthday cards. He lived in Alberta now and had a new family. But at least she knew who he was, and he knew who she was. I didn’t even know if my dad knew that I existed.

“Mom kept a box of documents in the loft space above the garage,” she said tentatively. “There might be something in there…”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Maybe I’ll take a look sometime...”