Stuff White People Like (2 page)

Fact #5: White people hate stuff that is “mainstream”—so they go to film festivals, where they see movies that every other person in their demographic wants to see. It’s a pretty sweet way to rebel.

Fact #6: It is required by white-person law that you publicly declare foreign cinema to be better than Hollywood movies, and on par with indie film.

Fact #7: White people earn credibility by being into films from strange countries: “Oh, you liked
Sideways
? Yeah, I didn’t see it, I’m really into Serbian film now. They had a great retrospective at the Vancouver Festival.”

4 Assists

When you say the word “assist,” the first thing you think about is Steve Nash and Wayne Gretzky. White people love to pass, it’s no secret.

In basketball, passing is kind of a must, so that white guys can carve out a niche and guarantee acceptance on a team. Trying to be a white guy who dunks is like trying to be a white rapper—yeah, there are a few, but you have to work twice as hard for half the results.

One explanation is that white people still feel guilty over slavery, colonialism, and the crusades, so passing is a way to make up for it. But more important, it makes them feel good to help others.

When you are a captain at a pick-up basketball game and you want to take a lot of shots, it’s a good idea to pick a white guy.

5 Farmer’s Markets

White people are drawn to farmer’s markets like moths to a flame. In fact, white people have such strong instincts that if you release a white person into a random Saturday morning they will return to you with a reusable bag full of fruits and vegetables.

White people like farmer’s markets for a number of reasons. The first is their undying need to support local economies and small businesses; the idea of buying direct from the farmer helps them assuage the fears instilled in them by reading
Fast Food Nation
(and yes, every white person has read this book).

Some of the other reasons include: it’s outside (white people love being outdoors), they can bring their dogs and children in expensive strollers, and they get to see other white people. If they are single, it’s a good place to meet other single white people who share their passion for sustainability.

If you are looking for an activity you can share with your white friends, nothing will progress the relationship faster than a trip to a farmer’s market.

6 Organic Food

Because of the balance of global wealth and power, there is a general assumption that white people are pretty shrewd. And for the most part, history has proven this to be true. But white people have one great weakness: organic food.

Just as with farmer’s markets, white people believe that organic food is grown by farmers who wear overalls, drive tractors, and don’t use pesticides. In spite of the fact that most organic food is made by major agribusiness, which just uses it as an excuse to jack up prices, white people will always lose their mind for organic anything. Never mind the fact that if the entire world were to switch to 100 percent organic food tomorrow there would be mass starvation and famine.

White people don’t care about this. As long as they aren’t eating pesticides, they are pretty sure they can live forever. It’s almost guaranteed that if some Colombian drug lord can start offering “organic” cocaine, he’ll be the richest guy ever.

7 Diversity

White people love ethnic diversity, but only as it relates to restaurants.

Many white people from cities like Los Angeles, San Francisco, and New York will spend hours talking about how great it is that they can get sushi and tacos on the same street. But they will also send their kids to private school with other rich white kids so that they can avoid the “low test scores” that come with educational diversity. It’s important to note that white people do not like to be called out on this fact. It will make them feel even more guilty than they already do.

If you run an ethnic restaurant you can be guaranteed repeat business and huge tips if you act like your white customers are adventurous and cultured for eating food that isn’t sandwiches or pasta. In fact, even if you do not own a restaurant, it’s a good idea to congratulate white people for being adventurous eaters. It will make their year.

8 Barack Obama

White people like Barack Obama because they are afraid that if they don’t they will be considered racist.

9 Making You Feel Bad for Not Going Outside

As mentioned earlier, white people love to be outside. But not everyone knows that another thing they like to do is make people feel bad for wanting to watch sports on TV or play video games. While it would be easy to get angry at white people for this, remember it is hardwired in their heads that the greatest thing people can do in their free time is hike/walk/bike outdoors.

Usually, they will see that you are preparing to enjoy your life and they will say, “Hey, let’s go for a hike in the park,” and most people will say, “Hey, thanks, but I’ve been working all week and I’m really excited about watching this game,” and then they will respond, “Don’t be a lump on the couch, you’re wasting your life away,” etc. If you ignore them, they will eventually go away.

And, much like most things with white people, they win both ways. If you decide to go with them, they feel good about getting someone off the couch and “into the fresh air,” and if you don’t go, they can spend their entire time outdoors saying, “Boy, this is great, X doesn’t know what he/she is missing!” and running on a mix of self-satisfaction, Odwalla juice, and muesli.

10 Wes Anderson Movies

White people love Wes Anderson movies more than they love their kids. If a white guy takes a white girl to a Wes Anderson movie on their first date, and neither of them have seen it, they will immediately commence a relationship that is reflected in songs by Ryan Adams and Bright Eyes.

Wes Anderson movies have this way of being sort of funny and a little clever, so white people in the audience will laugh like crazy. Also, if they don’t get the joke and other white people start laughing, they’ll all join in. It’s pretty much the case that if one dude with glasses laughs, the entire theater will be in stitches within 15 seconds.

If you find yourself in a situation with a white person and an awkward silence falls over you, mention any of the movies below and you will have something to talk about, and they will like you. Here are some approved comments: