Strong (Kindred #1) (30 page)

I break down in his arms and sob uncontrollably for what feels like forever. It’s a bad idea, the fall, the shivering and the crying all cause pain to splinter through my body and by the time I’ve calmed myself down, been to the toilet and got back into bed, I’m in so much pain even blinking hurts.

“I can get you something for the pain, what else do you need?” he asks, stroking the hair from my face.

“I think… I need to go to the hospital, Carter, something isn’t right. I shouldn’t feel like this.”

“Shall I phone Judy? See what she suggests?”

“I just need to sleep and I need you. Keep me warm and make me remember what life was like before this, please.” I hiccup, then wince.

“I’ll make you a tea, then I’ll come lay with you and we can watch TV. Anything you want, I’ll even watch Pretty Woman if you like.” he smiles sadly down at me.

“I’d rather watch True Blood.” I laugh, then wince as he gets up.

“I’ll be right back.”

I watch him walk out of the bedroom and more tears come, I’m still crying when he comes back with two cups of tea and biscuits. He calms me down enough to actually eat and drink something then hands me my painkillers. We watch True Blood while I wait for the painkillers to kick in and when they do, I sleep peacefully until Carter wakes me up.

“I’ve spoken to Judy at the hospital, she’s on hold right now, she wants to know if your scar is sore?”

“Yeah and red.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, worried eyes meeting mine.

“I didn’t think it was anything, now I think it is.”

Carter leaves the room and comes back in a few seconds later with the phone held up to his ear.

“Yeah, here you go. She wants to speak to you.” he tells me handing the phone to me.

Twenty minutes later, I’m getting dressed and heading to the hospital with Carter in the back of Dad’s car. It turns out I have an infection, a mild one right now because I caught it early but still an infection. They give me strong antibiotics and strict instructions to come back if anything changes. When I get home, I’m exhausted and Carter takes me straight to bed. I wake up however long later, and he’s is watching some film on the TV laying next to me.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asks, switching off the TV.

“Rough.” I tell him, honestly.

“I wish you’d told me earlier that the scar was hurting,”

“I’m sorry, I just thought it was normal… Then I started feeling worse and I knew something was wrong.”

“Always tell me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“What do you want to do?”

“I really think I should eat something, do we have any of Mum’s quiche left?”

“Yeah, she dropped off some more about an hour after we got back.”

“Can I go sit in the lounge for a while and have some? I’m bored of being in bed.”

“Anything you want.”

He scoops me up and wraps me in the white fluffy blanket on the sofa, when I’m still cold, he goes and gets one of his hoodies and helps me put it on. It smells heavenly of him and I sneakily inhale it while he gets me lunch. I manage one piece of quiche and a glass of Cherry Coke so I can take more painkillers and my antibiotics. After it’s gone down, I switch on the TV and flick through the music channels, it’s a bad idea.

“I miss dancing Carter,” I sigh. “There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by since I was four that I haven’t danced, even when I was sick, I’d still dance, it makes me happier than anything in the world and I can’t dance right now.”

I can’t help it, tears fill my eyes and roll down my cheeks.

Bloody hell I really am a mess right now.

He looks at me with sad eyes and then he smiles.

“Does it have to be a fast dance? Can it be a slow one?”

“What?” I sob, wiping my eyes.

“Does it have to be a fast dance?” he asks again.

“Why?”

He doesn’t answer me, he walks over to my iPod and selects a song, Phyllis Nelson begins and he walks back. He leans down, scoops me up and carries me over to the bar stool at the kitchen counter. He places me on it then stands, wrapping my legs around his waist and bringing my hands to rest around his neck. Slowly, he moves us to the music, resting his head on mine. The stool moves me, moves us both, so it’s like we’re dancing

“Does this work? he whispers.

“Yes,” I whisper, fighting back the tears. “This works.”

Right there and then, I fall in love with Carter, more than I am already. I think it’s time to admit it to myself and probably time to admit it to him. But what if he doesn’t feel the same? What if he really does only want friendship? Can I begin something with him when I have no idea if I’ll be able to continue? The doctor told me, I have a high chance of beating this thing, but what if I don’t? Is it cruel to let Carter fall for me without the certainty that I’ll survive this? I close my eyes and let the music and Carter’s warmth surround me.

I have to be strong.

I have to stop this fear taking hold of me.

I have to live.

A few hours later, I’m wide awake and listening to Carter snore softly behind me. We’re close, but not touching. I’m surrounded by his scent and I feel safe and protected. He mumbles something in his sleep and fidgets a little before rolling over so he’s right behind me.

“Carter?” I whisper into the darkness.

I don’t get a reply, he’s still fast asleep, so how he manages to slide one arm underneath me and pull me to his chest is beyond me. Now we’re touching and all I can see, smell and feel is Carter. I don’t remember ever feeling this safe in my life. I close my eyes and will sleep to take me and when it does, my dreams are filled with both of us, only we have matching silver rings and I have a swollen stomach.

Even in my dreams I know I’m dreaming, but I allow myself this little moment of happiness, because I know when I wake up, I’ll be faced with a life I didn’t ask for, a life I didn’t want. When I wake up I know I’ll have to smile and pretend everything is okay when it isn’t, I’ll have to be brave and tell Carter I’m okay, because to admit I’m not will hurt him, will break him and I won’t do that to him.

I’m already broken.

I’m already in pain.

So what does a little more matter?

The next few days go by quickly, I slowly start to feel better and I’m able to do a few more things. I make the most of being able to move around without Carter’s help knowing once I start my radiotherapy, it could set me back again, a thought I try not to dwell on. We actually go out a few times, to the park and then back to the Tower of London. Since we became members the first time we visited, it doesn’t cost us anything to go. We only walk around a little of it and have a coffee but I want to do something for Carter and I know he loves it here. On the way home, Megan phones to check in.

“How are you doing sweetie?” she coos down the phone.

“Better, we’re just on our way back from some time out, how are you? How is that gorgeous little man of yours?”

“He’s greedy, always feeding,” she laughs. “But so gorgeous I have to stop myself from waking him when he’s asleep just because I miss him.”

“You’re so cute,” I smile. “Can we go for a coffee soon? Before I start more endless appointments?”

“Yes! That would be lovely, just the girls? Well… And the tiny baby.”

“He can be an honorary girl while he’s still so tiny.”

“Don’t say that around Harry. He’s desperately concerned that not only does Henry seem to like One Direction,
Little Things
seems to settle him!” she chuckles.

“He’s a baby, he likes it because it’s calm.”

“I told him that, he’s still worried.”

“So Friday? After my radiotherapy planning meeting?”

Carter taps my shoulder and shakes his head.

“I think you’ll be exhausted after that, can you go on Saturday instead?”

“Carter’s right,” Megan says, having heard him. “Let’s do Saturday, we’ll have coffee then maybe have lunch with the boys?”

“That sounds perfect.”

“Look after yourself, rest! Love you!”

“Love you too.”

When we get back, I realise I may have pushed myself a little too much. My whole body aches and I feel sick and lightheaded. Carter helps me into bed and I sleep for three hours straight. When I wake up, he’s finishing making Mexican and the flat smells delicious. We sit at the breakfast bar and I manage more to eat than I have in weeks.

“This really is delicious, Carter.”

“It’s Mom’s recipe, she banned those kits you get, told me, it’s easy enough to create yourself and she’s right.” he grins, taking another bite of his wrap.

“So you can build, you can cook, you can dance, you’re funny and sweet and give the best cuddles and make the most incredible hot chocolate… Anything you can’t do?”

“Not to my knowledge.” he laughs.

“You’re like, the perfect guy.”

“Pretty much, fallen in love with me yet?” he teases.

Oh, Carter. That happened a while ago
, I think to myself. With a full stomach and the busy day, I’m ready to flake out on the sofa. Carter asks if we can watch some more True Blood and we snuggle together on the sofa. I’m not sure what it is, but my body suddenly feels hyper aware of him; his leg pressed up against mine, his arm around my shoulders, the heat radiating from him, every part of me is aware of every part of him. I shake my head a little trying to clear my wayward thoughts and Carter turns to look at me.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just tired. I think I’ll go for a shower.”

“Are you sure? You’re not too tired?”

“I’ll be okay,” I smile. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

“I’ll switch this off and sit in the bedroom, I’ve got a few bits to do on the laptop, if you need me, just call.”

I walk into my bedroom then continue into the en-suite, I close the door and press my back to it. My whole body is on fire and I’m being overtaken with a feeling I’ve not had in a while.

Arousal.

Why am I suddenly acting like this? What has changed to make me so hyper aware of him all of a sudden? I take a few deep breaths then head into the shower. I turn my face up to the spray and let the hot water cascade over me. The longer I stay in there, the more lightheaded I feel, yet I need the heat, I need the distraction, I need to not walk into my bedroom and be confronted with the one thing I can’t get off my mind right now.

Carter.

I switch off the shower and exhaustion suddenly hits, I have no strength at all, so when I misplace my feet and slip over, I struggle to get myself up off the floor. I try, for what feels like hours to get back up, but I can’t.

“Carter?” I call out, unable to lift myself off the bathroom floor, so completely exhausted from everything right now.

“Carm?” he calls back from the other side of the door.

“I need you,” I tell him. “Please, come in.”

I hear his hand on the door handle and he hesitates for a few seconds before he pushes the door open. When he steps inside the bathroom, he looks down at me then kneels down. He reaches for a towel and wraps it around me like you would a child. He picks me up like I weigh nothing and with the amount of weight I’ve lost lately, I wouldn’t be surprised. Carefully and slowly, he carries me to my room and pulls the covers back before placing me in the bed and covering me up.

“What do you need?” he asks, brushing the hair off my face.

“You.” I whisper, meeting his eyes.

“I’m here.” he smiles, leaning in to press a kiss to my forehead.

In that one gesture, he says a thousand words, he tells me everything he hasn’t physically said but I know he wants to. I turn my face before he pulls away and look into his eyes. Everything I know he feels is clear on his face and when I raise my face to meet his lips he doesn’t pull back. Our lips meet and just rest against each other for what feels like hours. He moves fractionally against mine and brings one hand up to hold the side of my head, I move mine against his and suddenly, everything feels better.

I feel warm.

I feel safe and loved.

I feel alive for the first time in months.

“Carmen…” his voice is thick and barely above a whisper.

“Carter… I want this.” I tell him.

“What is this? And why now? What’s changed?” he asks, pulling back to look at me.

“You. Us. This, I want you, I need you, please, help me feel better, help me forget, it’s all I need right now and you’re the one person who can help me. Nothing has changed, I want you.” I repeat.

He leans forward again and rests his lips to mine, I lay back and bring him with me, he groans and shifts on the bed so he’s supporting himself over me, all I can see, smell and taste is Carter and it’s the most beautiful thing, it’s the most right thing and it’s exactly what I want.

“You’re tired, you’re in pain…” he pulls back and goes to move.

“No,” I pull him back. “This is the most alive I’ve felt in months, don’t go. Be with me, Carter. Remind me that I’m not just this disease, that I’m not just hospital appointments, remind me I’m a woman who can feel, please?”

“No… I’m not here to remind you of that and I’m not going to make love to you to remind you either. If you want us, this, then it’s because you see a future, not because you’re hurting and need to remember.” he stands and starts walking towards the door.