Stripping Asjiah I (9 page)

ChApTER ELEvEN

11:30 pm
4/17/2000

She slapped me. I can’t believe she actually slapped me. I looked in the mirror after she left thankful that she didn’t leave a scar. And what if she had? Who would I tell? Did the truth hurt that bad? It can’t be more hurtful than the pain I felt when he raped me. She seen the bruises on my thighs and I thought she would believe me, hold me and tell me that I did nothing wrong and that it wasn’t my fault. I thought she would tell me that everything was going to be alright, wipe my tears away.

Then I realized I’m a stranger here, an outcast. I’ve tried to shield myself from the stones they threw at me, remind myself that I only have a few more months then I’m free, but at what cost?

I’ve been raped by my uncle, abused mentally and emotionally since the day I got here and I’m trying really hard to keep it together.

I probably wash my hands more frequently than I should because I’m beginning to believe their stained with my mother’s blood. I try to shut out what happened to her; think of all the good times that we had, I try to remember her laugh, her smile. I’ve stood in the mirror for hours comparing my face to hers, trying to see if our eyes are the same shape, if our lips are the same, if despite my complexion I still look like her, but my vision is clouded by my father’s reflection.

I wonder if he feels any remorse for what he’s done. I wonder if he has trouble sleeping because he has the same nightmares that I do. I wonder if he knew we were in the house while he took her life away. I hate him because he did this to us. I feel guilty because a part of me still loves him, wants him to come and rescue me and be the hero I always thought he was when I was a little girl. But how can I expect the man who started all this shit to save me?

I wonder what life would’ve been like if we were placed in Foster care. I don’t think that was ever an option because Angel and I would’ve gotten split up due to the gap in our age. What if we would’ve stayed with Carmen and Brian back in California? Would they have loved us the way our parents did? How long before they had kids of their own and we got pushed aside, neglected and treated like an old pair of shoes? What if we would’ve lived with Auntie Olivia and Granny? I would fit in but then Angel would be the one that everyone questioned, because he’s darker than everybody else.

I have too many questions and not enough answers. I question suicide; wonder if I take my life will God see that as a sin although my intent is pure. What if I repent for my actions before I do it? Will I still go to hell or will he save my soul and reunite me with my mother?

On top of everything else I found out CJ fucked Corey. There’s no telling how long this shit has been going on behind my back. I don’t know what hurts more, the fact that he had sex with her, or the fact that he had his dick in her at the same time Cash had his inside of me. He must’ve left her house right before he came to pick me up. What kind of person lie’s straight to your face like that? Then he had the nerve to tell me that maybe if I stop being so tight he wouldn’t have to cheat on me. Wow. Was he serious? At first he was trying to defend himself and say that it didn’t happen but then he finally owned up to it and admitted fucking her. No kind of apology, nothing. I feel so stupid. I haven’t talked to him since I left his house.

Ironically I bumped into Money while I was waiting for the bus. I never noticed how fine he was, and those lips…whew, I thought I was going to melt when he kissed me. He seems like he really likes me but it could all be game like every other cornball out here that wants some pussy. But he knows Angel would beat his ass if he did me dirty so maybe he is different, maybe there is something there. I don’t have time to entertain it; I got too much shit going on already… “So is it true?”

“Shit Angel! Make some fucking noise when you come in here or something!”
“Is it true?” Angel stood in the doorway as he waited for me to answer him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I put my notebook down and walked in the closet. I found the shoebox that I put the money in from the drop I made for him and handed him the $500.

“I was downstairs talking to ma and she was telling me that you told Sam that Cash raped you.”
Pretending not to hear what he just said I continued rummaging through the closet looking for something to wear to school tomorrow.
“A’, I know you heard me. Did you tell Sam that? Is it true?”

“I can’t believe you’re standing here questioning me instead of going out to find that nigga and beating his ass. Do you think I would lie about something like that? Do you know how scared I was? Do you know how scared I still am? He fucked me raw Angel, took my virginity, what if I end up pregnant? What if he gave me something? But no one has thought about that.” Brushing past him I walked back in my room and sat on the bed.

“Everyone is too scared that I maybe telling the truth and like everything else, they don’t want to deal with it so instead they make it seem like I’m hot in the ass and assume that I’m out here fucking anyway and that I made the shit up for attention. That’s some bullshit Angel.”

“If you’re going to stand in here and say the same shit that your grandmother and Sam are saying then you can get the fuck outta my room.”

“I don’t know what to believe A’. I mean you used to sneak out of the house to be with that lame nigga CJ. Ma was putting you on punishment every other month for shit. You just started being able to do things again and now here you go talking about Cash raped you.”

“I’m your sister Angel. There should be no questions asked, no secondguessing. Regardless of what I say you should have my back! This nigga used to whoop your ass and I was there for you. Cleaning your cuts up, wiping the blood off your face. The same muthafucka that used you as a punching bag raped me!” My head began to hurt and I was getting tired of defending myself.

“You’re standing here siding with these people and for what; just because their mommy’s family? Fuck that! They don’t give a fuck about us and they never have!” Hot tears stung my face as I continued screaming at Angel.

“Where do you live now Angel? How long has it been since our grandmother put you out? Yet you still call her ma. You still cater to her like you owe her something. You don’t owe her shit and neither do I! I can’t wait to go to school and get out of here. If you had any sense you would leave and get the fuck away from them too! They don’t want us here!”

Angel looked at me confused. He watched as tears streamed down my face not knowing what to say to calm me down.

“We just happen to be mommy’s kids so they feel like they’re obligated to take care of us but they didn’t even do that. We weren’t here for a year before she went and got foster kids. We’re her grandchildren! Her dead daughter’s kids and she would rather take in some crack babies instead of taking care of her own blood. Fuck that!”

“Man chill out Asjiah. They miss mommy too, they just don’t know how to show it that’s all. They don’t know how to deal with us or her not being here and we’re not making it any easier when shit like this happens.”

“Chill out? When’s the last time one of them asked you if you wanted to go see mommy? When’s the last time one of them said something about her in general? You think they love us? No. They love you because you look like them. I’m so tired of people coming over here trying to guess whose child I am or who I belong to. I’m tired of her looking at me with disgust in her eyes just because I look like our father. It’s real fucked up that the only person who believes me isn’t even related to me. CJ didn’t second-guess me when I told him what happened. Instead he was there for me and he took me to the doctor, he made sure I was okay. But my own brother is standing in my face calling me a liar. Get the fuck outta my room Angel!”

“Man whatever.” Angel tucked the black behind his ear. “I’m out A’. Thanks for doing that for me. I’ll see you around.”

I was furious. I could just imagine the shit Sam probably said. Now my own brother didn’t believe me. I waited until I heard the door shut and then I walked in the other room to lock the door. Passing by my dresser I noticed that Angel had left behind a Marc Jacobs bag. I opened it to find a pair of red stiletto boots and a matching leather handbag. At the bottom of the shopping bag was a small rubber band of money and a card.

“Just a little something to p ut in your new p urse. Your guardian Angel.”

Skimming through the bills I counted $1500. He had a habit of surprising me with gifts ever since he moved out. He always found a way to look out for me and I think that’s what bothered me most about the situation. I wasn’t sure if he didn’t believe me or if he did and was upset because he wasn’t there to prevent it.

7
*****

Angel backed away as Cash came towards him. His heart was pounding in his chest as he balled up his fists. Cash swung at Angel punching him in the eye.

“Agh!” His head was throbbing as he tried to ignore the pain. He threw punch after punch at his uncle but none of them seemed to connect.

Cash picked him up and tossed him onto the floor. Blood sprayed across his knuckles as he punched Angel again making his lip burst. Angel tried to fight back but his attempts failed. Every time he would get up Cash would just knock him back down.

He could feel his eye swelling and a mixture of blood and mucus was running down his nose as he prayed for the assault to end. He couldn’t remember what he had done for his grandmother to call Cash over here again. There were never any words exchanged. He would just bust through his door and start beating him until he thought he had enough.

“Agh!” Angel screamed in pain as Cash kicked him.

Each time he thought somebody would save him. That she would look at him and see that this was wrong. How was he supposed to go to school when it looked as if he just went twelve rounds in a boxing ring? He wanted to call the police, tell them what was going on and get away from here but what would happen to Asjiah? She was all he had and he couldn’t leave her, but staying wasn’t doing him any good. He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. He had to find a way out.

“I was only 16 when that nigga started beating me.” Thinking out loud Angel blew smoke into the car.

He had managed to run away from the abuse although that meant leaving his sister behind but he thought she would be okay. He never thought something like this would happen. He tried to put the past behind him and move on but Cash had crossed the line. He violated the one person that Angel would lay down his life for. Angel reached into his glove compartment and pulled out his .45.

“Someone told me revenge is a dish best served cold and I’m a make sure you feel every bit of this steel my nigga.”
***** “Hello?” I didn’t want to answer the phone but I knew I would have to talk to him eventually so I might as well get it over with.

“Look, I know you’re mad but just hear me out. First let me say that I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I know that sounds stupid but please believe me. I went down the way to meet up with Vale and you know Corey is his cousin and she was over at the crib. We got to talking and one thing led to another and it just happened.” CJ waited to see if I would respond and then continued.

“There was no way for me to know what was going on with you and your Uncle, I never meant to hurt you A’, I love you. I made a mistake and I swear to you me and Corey are through.”

Before he could give me another half ass speech I spoke. “Fucking someone doesn’t just happen. You knew she still had a thing for you and you allowed her to come in between us. If you wanted her, you should’ve stayed with her and left me out of this shit. You’re right, there wasn’t a way for you to know that I was getting raped but you could’ve answered my calls. If you would’ve come on time we wouldn’t be having this discussion right now.”

“You’re right A’ I’m sorry.”

“If you say you’re sorry one more time I’ll hang up on you. Tell me something, how many times have you fucked her that I don’t know about? Are you really sorry CJ or are you only apologizing because you got caught?”

“A’ it was a one time thing and it will never happen again. I want to be with you and only you. Give me another chance.”
Before I could answer my line beeped indicating that I had another call coming through. “Hold on.”

“Hello?”
“Damn baby doll, what’s wrong?”
Hearing his voice made my heart skip. “Hi Money.”
“Are you busy?”
“Uh no, not really. Hold on okay?” I clicked over switching back to CJ.

“I guess you gotta call me back huh?”

“CJ I’m really not sure how I should feel about you and Corey or if I want to be with you anymore. You really hurt me. I’ve always trusted you, thought you would hold me down no matter what; you were like my best friend. I never thought you would cheat on me. Guess that’s what I get for believing in a nigga and his dick.”

“A’ I’m…”
“Don’t. I’m tired and I just want to go to sleep.”
“I love you Asjiah.”

I couldn’t bring myself to say it back to him. Instead I clicked over hoping that Money would still be there.

“Hello?”
“You know I’m breaking all my rules for you ma.”
“Is that so?”

“Yeah, I usually don’t wait more than a couple seconds when someone puts me on hold.”
“Well I guess you should see if they sell patience the next time you go to the store.”