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Jake
took a ragged breath. “She’d never disobeyed me before. She was always in her submissive
role, no matter what. I told her she would be spanked, like we agreed on. So I
undid the handcuffs, took her down there…” Jake pointed to the table where he’d
spanked me. I was shivering, but too afraid to move, not wanting to interrupt
his story.

Jake’s
voice dropped even lower, his eyes fixed on the far end of the room, as if
whatever he had experienced was playing out in the shadows. “I spanked her
once, maybe twice, before she started to scream…kicking, hissing, just totally
out of control. I thought I’d hurt her, hit her too hard maybe, so I stopped.
But she kept screaming. Then seething with anger she pulled away from me and
slapped me across the face. She tried to hit me again but I caught her wrists
to try and calm her. She wouldn’t listen, she kept fighting against me, hitting
me so hard it felt as though she were someone else entirely.”

He
looked down, rubbing his wrist. “I slapped her. She looked at me, but this time
it wasn’t Jane. She started screaming again but as though she was speaking to
someone else. She just kept saying ‘You’re not going to hurt me anymore Jim.’ She
twisted out of my arms, ran out the door and was gone before I could get down
the stairs. That was the last time I saw her.”

Jake
finally looked up at me, his eyes haunted, distant. “Jim was her step-father. I
found out later, from her sister, that he had abused both girls from the time
they were young until their mother divorced him, sometime in their teenage
years. Her sister said Jane refused any kind of counseling. She’d left home as
soon as she graduated high school, went to college for a few semesters, but ended
up dropping out. She said the abuse always happened after a spanking for some
imagined infraction of a ‘house’ rule.”

Jake
dropped his head into his hands. I slid off the bed, crawling across the floor
to him, pulling him against me, rocking him gently. His shoulders shook
silently for a moment but he remained strong, unshaken.

When
he spoke his voice was muffled against my shoulder. “Her family never heard
from her again. Her cell phone only went to voice mail before it was
disconnected. She moved, left no forwarding address. She’d been working at a
club downtown, some sleazy dance club. They had her last paycheck, held it for
her for months, but she never came to get it. To this day, I don’t know what
happened to her Abby. I don’t know where she went.”

The
tears I’d been trying to hold back spilled down my cheeks. Jake sat up, looking
into my eyes.

“I’m
so sorry Jake,” I replied unsure as to what I should say.  My heart ached
for him and I could feel the incredible guilt that weighed down on him like heavy
chains with every word that spilled from his trembling lips.

“The
first time you disobeyed me, it reminded me so much of Jane that I couldn’t bring
myself to punish you. The second time, when I did, it was the hardest thing I’d
ever done.” He tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear, his fingers
absently wiping away my tears.

“I
was so afraid I’d break you somehow. That I’d change you in ways you just
weren’t ready for. Just like I did to Jane. I was convinced for the longest
time it was my fault, I’d pushed her too hard. I couldn’t control myself and it
sent her over the edge.”

“No, Jake.
It wasn’t your fault.”  I meant it; even as I felt the sadness invade my
mind at just how much pain Jane must have been in. Jake had likely triggered
memories of her abuse that she couldn’t handle. Like him I wondered where she
was, what had become of her.  Watching Jake hurt so badly, his fingers
weaved tightly against his scalp, cradling his head in his hands, I could see
the torment that swirled in his eyes.  He hadn’t known of Jane’s darkness
and because of that he had taken her into the shadows of her own pain, brought
her nightmares to life. It wasn’t his fault. Jane shouldn’t have played with the
ghosts of her past, and I wondered why she would have ever become a submissive
in the first place other than to torture herself. Perhaps it was her way of
coping with what had happened. Her way of taking control of the pain and living
through it once more but where she would determine how it ended.  Only it
ended at a loss. If she could only see Jake now she would know that it wasn’t
just a loss for her. She had changed a man forever, and I wondered if he would
ever be the same again.

“Jake…I’m
not Jane.” I touched his cheek. He took my hand, holding against his face for a
moment.

“But
why, Jake? Why did you look for another submissive? If this was so traumatic,
why seek out another relationship?”

“Because
I knew there had to be more to this than just the pain. I wanted to seek out
the pleasure. And with you, I have, Abby. You’ve shown me that this type of
relationship can be more than it was with Jane, that the pleasure and pain can
co-exist.”

His
eyes were bright, intense, as if he needed me to understand this, not just for
my own sake, but for his.

“Jake,
I know…I understand that part of this…our relationship. But after so much pain
in losing Jane, why would you do it all over again… with me?”

He
smiled, a genuine smile, not the bitter smile that had frightened me earlier.
“I wanted to experience all that intense pleasure I know comes with this. And I
found that with you.”

The
smile faded. “Jane didn’t trust herself, didn’t trust that she could share her
darkness—her secrets—with me. I don’t know that I could have helped
her, but I hope to God I would have tried.”

He
looked down at our clasped hands, his thumbs rubbing across my knuckles. When
he spoke, his voice was barely a whisper. “Maybe I would have let her leave. I
couldn’t have hurt her if she left.”

“Jake,
you didn’t intentionally hurt her. You would never have done that. I know you…”
I tilted his face up, my fingers beneath his chin. His eyes met mine, sadness
and loss so visible it tore at my heart.

“What
happened wasn’t your fault. It was beyond your control. You have to know that.”

He
shrugged. “Sometimes I do…sometimes I think I could have done things
differently, that things would have ended up differently…for Jane and me.

“But
in the end, here with you, I did the same thing Jane did. I didn’t trust you…I
wasn’t honest with you, Abby. I tried to control what I thought hurt Jane, the
aggressive side that came out in our sessions.”

He
leaned forward, kissing me softly. “But I couldn’t control falling in love with
you.”

The
room had grown dark, the storm at its peak outside, the wind driving sheets of
rain against the glass. I took Jake’s hand, pulling him up with me as I
stood. 

I led
him through the tower room door and back to the main house. Somewhere along the
way, he took the lead through the maze of hallways, leading me to his bedroom,
the destination we both wanted—needed—at that moment.

We
treated each other as if we were fragile vessels, words whispered in the
darkness, touches soft and gentle. We held each other for a long time in Jake’s
big bed, while the storm raged outside.

Love
making was just as slow, just as gentle. There were no words, just the two of
us coming together, our bodies moving in perfect concert.

When
he came, Jake buried his face in my neck. I felt the dampness of his tears on
my shoulder and I held him hard against me, trying to absorb his pain, to take
it away although I knew it wasn’t mine to take.

After
a long time Jake rolled away from me, holding my hand in the dark.

“I
can’t ask you to choose between me and Chase. That’s not fair, to any of us.”
He took a deep breath; I held mine.

“But
I’m changing the rules of engagement for our relationship. I
won’t—can’t—share you, in any way. I want you, all of you, for
myself. There won’t be a dominant submissive relationship if you’re involved
with Chase in a romantic relationship. I love you too much to do that…to
myself.”

I
exhaled. “I know.” My voice sounded choked and tiny in the big room.

He
rolled over, pulling me against his chest. It was my turn to cry quietly,
emotions and exhaustion finally catching up with me. The last thing I remember
before succumbing to sleep was Jake’s voice, somewhere close, soothing words
washing over me, his warm scent even closer, comforting in the dark.

***

Sunday
was rainy and cold; the aftermath of the previous night’s storms evident, the
streets covered with a little of leaves and branches. I felt as battered as the
trees, my mind numb.

I
came home early from Jake’s with tentative plans for dinner on Monday night,
with the promise from me I’d made some kind of decision, his promise to be
patient. We’d both agreed to no more sessions.

My
exhaustion was taking its toll. The shower beckoned, as did my bed. The bed
won; I stripped off my clothes, crawling naked beneath the covers. The cat
curled up against the small of my back and I was asleep almost instantly.

The
phone woke me sometime later. The sky was still gray; I had no idea what time
it was, nor did I care. I pulled the blankets over my head, cursed the phone
and went back to the depths of sleep.

It
was dark when I finally surfaced to some semblance of wakefulness. The cat
grumbled his way to the kitchen and watched me as I made dinner. I carried on a
one-sided conversation with him, feeding him bits of chicken to make up for not
being home. It seemed to satisfy both of us.

The
answering machine light was blinking, a reminder of my interrupted sleep. I
pressed play and heard the usual litany of Sunday afternoon messages: my
mother, Leslie. And then Chase. Three times; three messages.

He
wanted to see me. He’d actually wanted me to come see him at his condo Sunday
afternoon. I glanced at the clock; it was past ten o’clock. I’d been asleep
over twelve hours.
That’s not going to happen.

I hit
redial and Chase answered on the first ring.

“Where
have you been?” His voice was tense; I could hear club noises in the
background, making it hard to hear him.

“I
was out.” All I heard were club noises. Chase was silent.

I
heard the sound of a door slamming and the background noises were abruptly cut
off.

“You
were with Jake.” Chase’s voice was just as tense, but now crystal clear.

I
took a deep breath. “Yes, I was.” There was a sharp noise on the other end of
the line. I frowned at the phone.

“Are
you okay, Chase?”

“No,
not really. I decided I don’t like the idea of you fucking around with Jake.”

I was
instantly angry. “That’s not fair. We don’t have an exclusive relationship,
Chase.”

“I
don’t feel like being fair right now. And why don’t we?”

“Chase,
I’m not having this conversation over the phone. It’s late and I’m tired.”

There
was a pause, his voice softening. “I wanted to see you today. I miss you. Come
to the ranch tomorrow.”

There
were things I wanted to talk about with Chase, little things that were
bothering me. Along with the big white horse in the room; the fact Chase was
unable to tell me he loved me.

I
agreed to meet Chase at the ranch late in the day. The phone call to Jake was
painful; I could hear the pain in his voice.

“I
know you need to do this. Just don’t drag this out, Abby. Please.”

***

Monday
dawned bright and clear, but my emotions were just as cloudy as they had been
on the weekend. I felt torn, confused, and heartsick. My head hurt, my stomach
churned and nothing seemed to make any sense.

Leslie
stopped by mid-morning. For once she sat quietly in the chair across from my
desk as I retold my weekend adventures with first Chase, then Jake.

“Oh, Abby.
This is a mess. How’d you get so tangled up with two such different guys?”

I
shook my head. “I have no idea. My heart got away from me, I think.”

She
leaned forward, a scowl creasing her forehead. “So, who’s it going to be?”

I
looked up at her. She sat back, breathing out through pursed lips. “Oh, you
have no idea, do you, Abby? It’s written all over your face.”

My
head found that familiar spot on my desk again. I closed my eyes.

“No,
Leslie, I don’t.”

***

The
drive to the ranch went far too quickly. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see
Chase; I just didn’t want to make a decision. Why couldn’t I just have both?
Slide back and forth between the two? Not make a choice?

Because
they deserve better than that.

Chase
was waiting on the porch, looking far too sexy in faded jeans and a tight black
t-shirt, his feet bare. I pulled up in front of the house and he walked down to
meet me, opening the car door for me.

“You
made good time.” He leaned down to kiss me. I sensed tension in his body; his
eyes held a glint that made me wary.