Stranger and Stranger (9 page)

Headgear for my special needs. Let’s hope I don’t actually special-need it!!!!!!!!

June 8

I woke up out of a lovely nightmare about sinking in licorice-flavored quicksand when the headgear alarm went off right by my ears. Just Like I Built It To Do. But I couldn’t get it to stop because A) I didn’t know who, where, or what I was; B) I couldn’t think of the random code I programmed; C) OtherMe was kneeling on my arms, vigorously vomiting; D) I was vigorously vomiting. I tried my hardest to throw her off the bed, then realized we were both already on the floor. Friking vetbats! It’s not that easy to wrestle someone who is exactly as strong and heavy as you are, AND is dreaming that you are some kind of Transylvanian mermaid intruder thirsty for her lifeblood, AND is covered in vomit. Raven had to pull her off me, pry apart the screaming headgear with a crowbar, and throw it out the window. Cats were all yowling and hissing. Lots of barf to mop up. OtherMe was extremely sorry. No one was pleased.

I may need to look into other sleeping arrangements.

Later—nighttime

It’s my turn to leave the room. Finally!! Packed myself a sandwich and called for the cats, but I guess they are still freaked out by the headgear-alarm debacle, cuz they would not come near me. Am
going downtown and undergroundtown to revisit the most interesting part of Silifordville—its sewers. Will write more later.

Later—around 2 a.m.

Amazing discovery—busted through to an unused region of the sewer system where the walls are like twelve feet high! Um, also, keyword = UNUSED. No idea what Silifordville built them for, but there has never been human poop sluiced through THESE tunnels. Nice!!! I discovered them while I was just slogging around beneath Silifordville, enjoying myself. Eventually I came to a dead end blocked by a watertight drain gate. I jimmied that gate right open, and there in front of me lay these beautiful tunnels—pristine, perfect, and ALL MINE.

I closed up the door behind me so that it can stay clean in here, and I’ve been walking around looking for a way to the surface. Nothing! I will have to make my own secret entrance, I guess. Will return with skateboard, cats, paint, brushes, snack treats, candles, Victorian tapestries, camera, surveyor’s gear, mapmaking gear, and spelunking gear. OtherMe is going to be very impressed! CANNOT WAIT!

Later

Came back home to make sure OtherMe had sandwich provisions and found her at the Oddisee, coding away merrily, noshing egg salad. We spent the rest of the night working together on projects, all of which went much quicker with four hands. We cleared the floor in the back half of the bedroom and then started removing the floorboards, creating hidden compartments, and filling them with various treasures that we’ll enjoy rediscovering when we move again. We drew up plans for an improved sun-spigot, similar to the prototype I built in the Dullton house, but with some nice modifications. And we increased the number of booby-trapped hidey-holes in the basement to seventeen.

And, very important, we built an interface we call the DreamSeizer
^TM
that will allow the Oddisee to monitor OtherMe’s dreams and wake her if she gets out of bed. Um, that’s assuming she leaves the electrodes attached to her face all day.

Fingers crossed that we have a nice, uneventful day of sleep! I could use it.

June 9

Woke up shortly before sunset to find Raven standing beside the bed, holding an ax!!!! Oh bogflax, what a terrifying sight!

OtherMe was already awake, standing on the bed, struggling with Raven for control of the ax. I yelled at Raven to put the ax on the floor. Blasting dogfrix, am glad that ended well. We have no idea what she could have been thinking, but OtherMe said she heard me talking in my sleep, so clearly Raven was responding to that. OK…scary!!!!!!!!! Am very glad that OtherMe was there to save me!

Anyway, OtherMe and I have talked it over and decided to follow through with our sarcastic threat to donate Raven to science. We’ll miss her help around the lab, but as OtherMe put it, we’re in a new town here, and we really want to be out and about, deep in exploration and espionage, not worrying about the mischief our golem is getting up to.

I did suggest other options.

M
E
: We could just dial down her programming? Or lock her in the birdcage when we’re not actually using her?

O
THER
M
E
:…OK, look, I’ll just admit it. I’m PROUD of Raven. She’s AMAZING, and I made her out of bird parts! I want Science to know! Is that so wrong?

M
E
: Uh…no, it’s not so wrong. [Except…I think I’M the one who made Raven…]

Later

After much discussion with Mom, and several long phone calls, OtherMe has arranged for Raven to go live with Gigi Doubleton, President of the Silifordville Science Club. I argued for explaining Raven’s true origins to Gigi, but OtherMe persuaded me otherwise, having cooked up the following very impressive pack of lies:

1. Raven was born in Eastern Europe and orphaned at an early age.
   
2. A very secret government organization adopted her, with the plan to turn her into some kind of superspy.
   
3. She was then subjected to years of hard training, hypnosis, experimental drugs, and radiation. (Go OtherMe!!!!!)
   
4. Her gentle spirit was completely broken by this rough treatment, and she failed to perform well on the spy SAT, or whatever they call it.
   
5. The secret government organization then smuggled her to this country and dropped her off at a rock festival, where they thought she would blend right in.
   
6. After being used as a sketchbook for the day by several tattoo artists, Raven wandered out to the parking lot and used her superspy lock-picking skills to break into Mom’s car, where she fell asleep in the backseat.
   
7. Mom didn’t even notice Raven in the car until they got home.
   
8. Having heard Raven’s sad story, Mom decided to let her stay.
   
9. After a year of our warm, loving, supportive family environment, Raven has begun to heal. (AHHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAHHHH!)
   
10. What she needs now is a more science-oriented setting where her special needs can be addressed and her special talents harnessed.
    
11. Specifically, she has to be instructed to do everything. Otherwise, she is liable to sit around all day, not blinking or breathing, and giving everyone the creeps. (No lie.)
    
12. Also, she is not to be messed with, as she has the strength of 5 men. (Also not a lie.)
    
13. Also, she can talk to birds. (100% true.)
    

Surprisingly, Gigi Doubleton is very gung ho about taking Raven in, and apparently has elaborate plans for her rehabilitation. I guess I AM a tiny bit uneasy about all this, but OtherMe had some
pretty convincing arguments, and Mom just looked so pleased to hear the news, and, hey, Raven’s really a very sturdily built golem.

Anyway, I can always steal her back if necessary!

Later

Forgot to mention that our DreamSeizer
^TM
interface for the Oddisee successfully captured lots of OtherMe’s REM activity while we slept. And MAN!!!!! She sure has some icky dreams. No wonder she sleepwalks. Just as an example: In one of her dreams she suffered a hideous head wound that left her brain exposed. The cats accompanied her on the ambulance ride, but were tempted to their limit by the scent of raw, bloody brain. Cut to a scene of three cats licking their chops and one cat (Sabbath) licking the clean, empty interior of OtherMe’s brainpan. And then her personality was divided among the four of them. Then the cats died, and their bodies were devoured by dozens of rats. Then OtherMe’s and the cats’ personalities were divided among them. Then the rats died, and their bodies were devoured by beetles. Then…yeah, see above.

I think it’s safe to say this is weirder than my average weird dream. And when I told OtherMe I was kinda jealous of her weird dreams, she sorta cringed and said, “You can have them!” I guess she doesn’t enjoy her nightmares like I do.

Poor OtherMe!!!!!!!

Later

It’s OtherMe’s turn to leave the room. She’s going to do some scouting over at Venus Fang Fang’s house. We have been coveting that amazing obstacle course and plotting a way to get the dog out of the picture. Here’s hoping OtherMe comes up with something brilliant!

While she is out and about, I have decided to get myself reinstated in the cats’ good graces. Not one of them has come near me in three days! I admit to feeling a little offended. Also, I’m kind of mystified. I mean, they’ve tolerated twelve moves, a raven-golem, and too many noisy/stinky/otherworldly science projects to count, and they can’t deal with an extra ME? Zang, if anything, they should be stoked about getting twice the attention. Whatever. We will see what some snack treats, baby talk, and chin-scratching can accomplish.

Later

No dice!!! Am very insulted. Mystery saw me coming and turned tail—disappeared into the basement—I never did find her. Miles gave a bloodcurdling RrrrrrAowww and went out the window into the night. I managed to capture Sabbath and force him to endure a little petting, but I can only handle so much pain and blood loss, and had to let him go after a few minutes. Had the best results with NeeChee, who found himself cornered in my closet. He hunkered down and pretended to be asleep while I brushed,
petted, and baby-talked him for a while. But the look in his eyes was sheer horror.

Am pretty devastated by this. I’m used to having my Posse around me (and on me and under me) all the time. They’re the most perfect, intelligent, beautiful, sensitive, entertaining, hilarious companions I could hope for. And maybe it’s not the healthiest attitude to prefer feline friends to human, but that’s just how it is. They are my best friends, and suddenly they can’t stand me, and IT HURTS.

Um, in fact, this is kind of embarrassing to write, but it actually made me start to tear up a little.

That’s right! I said it! I cried. Do not even remember the last time I cried. Must win back my cats somehow and soon!