Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (29 page)

In the instance above, the Non-Heterosexual got himself into a predicament by immediately mentioning something the Heterosexual wouldn’t relate to. Sometimes the Heterosexual causes the problem from the get-go. Either way, when dealing with Heterosexuals, you should
always
be prepared to eat at least 12 wings.

Heterosexual:
Hey, Richard. Did you see Derek Jeter on
Leno
last night?

Now, in this situation, the Heterosexual has definitely thrown you a curveball. Not only do you not watch Jay Leno, but you also have absolutely
no
idea who Derek Jeter is. You can either (A) admit you have no idea what he’s talking about, (B) lie and say, “Yes, Jay is
such
a riot,” or (C) use your phone to google Mr. Jeter and discover that he’s the guy who was rumored to be dating Madonna for, like, two days back in 2006. However, when doing the latter, your attempts to steer the conversation toward discussing Madonna’s black hair in
A League of Their Own
are highly discouraged.

Conversations with the Heterosexual Female can be a bit trickier. She is more likely to solicit advice or opinions, so be prepared or things could go terribly wrong.

Heterosexual Female:
Hey, Richard. Do you like this shirt?

Non-Heterosexual:
Sure, it’s cute.

Heterosexual Female:
But like, is it just cute or is it hot? I want to look really good for my date with Max tonight.
Non-Heterosexual:
Yeah, it’s hot.

Heterosexual Female:
Are you sure? I feel like the blue one might be hotter.

Time-out! You may not know it, but you’re walking into a conversational land mine. The fate of this Heterosexual Female’s night is in
your
hands, and if it doesn’t live up to expectations, you could potentially be blamed for an unsuccessful date, a lifetime of loneliness, or the cold she caught because you didn’t suggest that she wear a sweater. Your answer should be:

Non-Heterosexual:
Yeah. Go with the blue.

Heterosexual Female:
So this one looks bad?

See how she got you there?
Do not
, under any circumstances, answer, “Yes, that one looks bad.”
Never
and I repeat
never
tell a Heterosexual Female that she looks bad.

Non-Heterosexual:
No. I love this one, but I also love the blue.

Heterosexual Female:
But you think this one isn’t as sexy?

Non-Heterosexual:
No, I think they’re both sexy.

Heterosexual Female:
Now I feel like you’re just saying that.

She’s now backed you into a corner, and there are only two ways to respond: (A) Negate everything by saying, “I was wrong. The blue is perfect. You
have
to wear it” or (B) “I saw Sofía Vergara wear something just like that in
People
magazine.”

Heterosexual Female:
Oh. Are you sure?

At this point, no matter what you’ve just told her, you should quickly nod with a look of deep concentration and say, “Yes. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life.”

The Heterosexual Female will most likely come to you with concern over the Heterosexual Male in her life. You may be thinking, “Oh! That’s easy! I give great dating advice.” But don’t forget that the Heterosexual Female’s dating patterns are very different from anyone else’s, and must be discussed with the kind of skill and focus reserved for open-heart surgery or writing
a really good musical comedy like
Guys and Dolls
or
High School Musical 3
.

Heterosexual Female:
Hey, can I talk to you?

Always
answer
yes
here. If you say
no
, you’ll spend more time explaining why than you would have listening to what she needed to say in the first place. I don’t care what time your therapist appointment is.

Non-Heterosexual:
Of course, Amber. What’s up?

Heterosexual Female:
You know that guy I’ve been seeing?

At this point, you might be inspired to ask, “Which one?” as Amber is “that kind of girl,” but avoid any such statement, as this will result in an hourlong discussion as to whether or not you think Amber is a slut. Maybe you
do
think Amber is a slut, maybe Amber thinks she’s a slut, and, let’s be honest, maybe Amber
is
a slut, but the last thing she needs is her friend Jeffery pointing that out. Especially since Jeffery is a slut, too.

Non-Heterosexual:
Sure. What about him?

Heterosexual Female:
Well, we had this amazing night last weekend. We went to the modern art museum, and we had this fabulous dinner, but then, after he left the next morning, I never heard from him again. And that was over a week ago.

We all know what’s going on here—even Amber, though she doesn’t want to admit it. This guy wasn’t looking to date Amber, and there’s about zero chance she’s going to hear from him again until she bumps into him at a New Year’s Eve party two years from now and makes the same mistake all over again. But you, her friend, shouldn’t say this. I don’t care how many people bought
He’s Just Not That into You
; nobody, especially your Heterosexual Female friend, wants to hear that. Instead, you should say:

Non-Heterosexual:
Can I be honest with you, Amber?

Heterosexual Female:
Yes.

Non-Heterosexual:
I didn’t want to tell you because I love you, but I got a really, really weird vibe from that guy.

At this point, Amber will be shocked, but, even better, distracted. She thought this guy was the love of her life, and it is best not to go into any details on your theory, as it will only hurt her even further, and, more importantly, you still have no idea which guy you’re talking about.

Heterosexual Female:
Oh my God. Like how?

This is where it’s going to get tough, but here are five ways to answer and wrap up the conversation in one swift move.

   
1. “He just seems, I don’t know, shady.”

   
2. “He gave my friend Stacey crabs.” This will work even if your Heterosexual friend knows your other friend Stacey, as, let’s face it, anybody with a name like
Stacey
has probably had crabs.

   
3. “I’m pretty sure I made out with him in college.”

   
4. “Oh gurl, you don’t even want to
know!
” This one works best if you wave your hands around on “Oh gurl.”

   
5. Or, tap your nostril, look around as if you’re being watched, then mouth “coke.”

Communicating with a Heterosexual is one of the trickiest parts of the Heterosexual-Watching process. However, if you have an open mind and, undoubtedly, at some point can discuss NASCAR or the latest
Resident Evil
movie, or in the case of the Heterosexual Female, discuss how smug she thinks Taylor Swift seems, you will be completely and totally prepared.

Now we’re nearing the end of this book, and our precious time together. You’ve learned a lot so far, and I know what you’re probably beginning to ask yourself: “Am I a Heterosexual?!?”

Shhh. Why so panicked? If there’s anything I’ve taught you thus far, it’s that being a Heterosexual is
totally
OK. It’s 100 percent natural and nowadays wholeheartedly accepted. Honestly. Some Heterosexuals have gone on to do great things, and to any Heterosexuals out there struggling with who they are, I promise you that it does get better.

It doesn’t have to be so hard to determine whether or not you are a Heterosexual. In fact, you could just ask yourself the questions in this next quiz, the last section of our Heterosexual SATs.