Stiltskin (Andrew Buckley) (6 page)

As with any popular term that isn’t completely real, it immediately garnered a great many followers, hence the formation of the North London Association of Khuzdophobia Sufferers, otherwise known as N-LAKS. Its two hundred and seventy-one international members crossed every demographic known to man. Only twelve of the members actually lived in North London and those individuals met on a sort of weekly basis for group therapy, which consisted of lots of group hugging, stories of close encounters of the Dwarf kind, how to embrace your fear of short people, and so on and so forth. The group rented an assembly hall at a local elementary school that smelled like dust and the sweat of seven-year-olds.

At about the same time that Robert made his wish, Jasper Clementine, the self-appointed lead therapist, was standing in the middle of the group encouraging everyone to admit their fears and discuss their phobia openly.

“All right, everyone, let’s come to order,” said Jasper enthusiastically, and then as an afterthought, “let’s try and leave the tea and cookies until the end of the session, shall we?”

The group shuffled their chairs closer into the circle around Jasper. Jonathan, who was about to help himself to a chocolate chip cookie, backed away from the refreshments and quickly took his seat as Jasper continued.

“I realize it’s been a few weeks since we all met together and I know we all have stories to share, but I’d like to start with Doris. She had quite the ordeal last week while up visiting her sister. Doris?”

Doris was four hundred pounds wearing a strapless, flower-print dress and uncomfortable shoes. That is not to say that the shoes were uncomfortable for her to wear, but rather, the shoes felt uncomfortable having a four-hundred-pound woman standing on them. She leaned forward on the folding chair, which complained to no one in particular.

“Well, I went to see my sister ya see, up in Birmingham, nice place is Birmingham, not really known for its short folk. Anyway, my sister, Alice is her name, says she has a surprise for me and that I should get dressed up, and I don’t really like to get dressed up because I prefer to be comfortable, but as it’s my sister and we don’t see each other much, I thought it’d be nice. Anyway, she ended up taking me to the circus.”

Shocked gasps arose from the group and one twitchy gentleman named Ralph who never said a word and emanated the smell of six-week-old dirty socks shuddered ever so slightly.

Doris nodded in unspoken agreement.

“Well, she didn’t know, did she?” said Doris.

“People should know better,” piped up Jerry, a thirty-something grocery store clerk who moonlighted as a completely ineffective contract killer.

Ralph shuddered in agreement.

“Now, now,” said Jasper, “It’s not for us to judge people who don’t understand our affliction. Please continue, Doris.”

“Well, I didn’t want to insult my sister, she’d got us very nice seats down by the elephants and there’s always the chance that there wouldn’t be any small people. Everything was going fine, the strong man was very impressive, huge muscles, very tight clothing, got me quite flustered for a while. I like tight clothing on a man, you know, and my Barry, well he’s not much to look at, skinny as a rake actually and―”

“Let’s try and stick to the point, Doris,” reminded Jasper.

“Oh, yes, sorry. Anyway, everything was going fine until the clowns came on and there they were; three of them dressed up as miniature lion tamers. Midgets. I couldn’t help myself, I let out a scream that upset the elephants and they took off charging across the circus tent. I bolted from the circus screaming.”

Bolted may not have been the correct term as Doris was unable actually to bolt anywhere. What really happened involved Doris ploughing through the crowd in much the same way a large ice-breaking ship ploughs through ice. Children scattered in her wake, adults trampled other adults underfoot, and one small dog named Bitsy was forever mentally and emotionally scarred for life.

“I couldn’t leave my bedroom for three days!” finished Doris with a flourish, followed by a sad pout.

“Aww,” said the group.

Ralph shuddered.

“That is quite the situation,” said Jasper, shaking his head. “Now there are a couple of different ways to look at this. Should Doris have reacted so strongly knowing she was indeed at a circus, which we all know is the second most common place to find a small person? We all saw the news and we know that several people had to be taken to the hospital after the incident, and then there was that poor little dog that’s probably scarred for life. We must learn to deal with these encounters in a calm and collected man―”

Time momentarily froze. The molecules of Rumpelstiltskin swirled into immediate existence and reformed themselves into the evil little Dwarf holding a large knife. When Robert made his wish, Rumpelstiltskin was able to grant it and therefore immediately vanished from the bathroom, and of course once something disappeared, it must reappear. Rumpelstiltskin knew it was risky, as he could have ended up anywhere, in Robert’s living room, for example, or back in Thiside, or in Bermuda. But, as it turned out, the Universe was not without a cruel sense of humour.

Time un-froze.

“―ner,” finished Jasper. The group gasped a horrified gasp. Jasper looked down to see an evil-looking Dwarf staring up at him. The Dwarf was dressed in medieval clothing and held a large knife in one hand. The Dwarf snickered an evil snicker. Jasper screamed with an intensity that had only been achieved once before by an Italian opera singer who, during a standing room only performance, had hit such a high note it shattered the spleen of an elderly man sitting in the front row.

As a whole, the entire group fled the building ahead of Doris who was making her best attempt to bolt.

he electrical impulses to Robert’s brain began firing again, all the while spurred on by the not so gentle slaps to the face by the female standing over him. His ears also switched from blurred noise to, “C’mon, wake up! You’re still naked and it’s starting to disturb me.”

Robert pulled himself up into a sitting position.

“You can stop slapping me now, I’m awake.”

“Oh, right,” said Lily.

Robert pulled a blue fluffy blanket from the couch and covered himself appropriately.

“You need to get dressed,” said Lily. “We really have to get moving before he gets too far away.”

“Look, it’s been a really weird and disappointing day and all I want is a bath and several hours’ sleep. If there’s any chance of you just leaving and taking your glowing insect with you, that’d be great.”

“Don’t you care that a Dwarf randomly appeared in your bathtub talking about your father about whom you have absolutely no knowledge?”

“I’m used to weird things happening to me, really, it’s nothing new. If he comes back, I can call you.”

“Or how about the fact you just got knocked out by a Fairy?”

“Well, yes, that was strange,” admitted Robert, “but honestly, I just want to be left alone.”

Lily’s anger was starting to get the better of her, the heat rising to her face as she spoke. “It’s a hard thing to explain all in one shot so I’m not even going to try but you have to come with me. Dwarves don’t show up in people’s bathtubs just for the hell of it so you need to get some clothes on and come with me.”

“Thanks but I’ll pass.”

“I can start slapping you again, if you like?”

Robert’s shoulders sagged dejectedly. “I’ll go get dressed.”

Against its better judgment, the rain had become a light drizzle and the sky grew darker as Robert Darkly, dressed in jeans and a sweater, stepped out of his apartment building with Lily close behind.

“So where are you taking me?” asked Robert.

“We need to go to the Exchange. It’s the first place the Dwarf will head, and maybe we’ll get lucky and arrive there before he does. We’ll need to get you a passport while we’re there, too.”

“Ya know, it’s bizarre but I understood maybe ten percent of what you just said,” replied Robert.

“You’re an accountant, aren’t you?”

“Well, yes, but…”

“Only accountants speak in percentages.”

“In my defence, I’m not a very good accountant.”

Lily crossed the street and Robert obediently followed.

“We’re going to need a cab.”

“Why don’t we just take your car?” asked Robert.

“Don’t know how to drive.” Lily stopped at the corner and whistled for a cab parked across the street.

Robert looked at Lily, really for the first time since he put on some clothes.
It’s amazing, the way perception shifts from when you’re wearing clothes as opposed to being stark naked and getting hit with your own frying pan.
When Lily had kicked open his door she had been, well, beautiful. Now as she stood in the pouring rain she looked like the most beautiful and strange thing he’d ever seen. Her hair had seemed black at first but now he could see streaks of auburn, and her eyes had been dark brown but in the natural light outside they seemed almost amber and twinkled ominously. She was at least a foot shorter than Robert was, but if someone was to look at the pair they would instantly recognize who was in charge, and it wasn’t Robert.

Possibly the strangest thing about Lily was the way that the rain didn’t seem to touch her. Robert’s sweater was already covered with a thin sheen of classic London rain. London rain was the sort of water that even if someone found themselves stranded in the middle of the Sahara Desert on the hottest day of the year with no clothes and a sunburn with their camel lying dead next to them, even then they wouldn’t even consider drinking it for fear of illness and instantaneous diarrhea.