Stiltskin (Andrew Buckley) (5 page)

The Simplistics spent most of their lives living out the three prime principles and stayed hidden away in the forests because it was safer. When any Simplistics ventured into the cities, they often died, not because of any murderess intentions against Fairies but rather from the simple fact that they lacked the brainpower to avoid glass windows and many ended up flying into especially clean windows and breaking their neck. Hence the rarely used phrase, “As dumb as a Simplistic Fairy in a city.”

The Bad Fairies lived in the Grimm Mountains in the East and spent their days fighting with each other, forming small gangs, and stealing from anyone who dared follow the mountain paths.

The Good Fairies lived in the Southeast quarter of the City of Oz and worked with the Wizards of Oz to herd magic in the right direction.

Veszico was an outcast Fairy. She was the result of a very unusual meeting between a member of the Good Fairies and a member of the Bad Fairies. It should probably be pointed out at this time that Fairies lacked gender in much the same way that a brick lacks a sense of humour. They were either male or female, but tended to be both or neither. The different sects of Fairies never socialized but back in the days before the Agents, before the Tower was built, and when only one wizard occupied Oz, a meeting referred to as a Sumthin was held every year in the Emerald City. The purpose of the meeting was to find out how everyone was getting on with their lives, an update on the situation with the doors, to ask questions like
is the Beast still angry?
and
what happened to the dragons?
or
where the hell do all the Gnomes keep vanishing to?
The meeting consisted of various races ranging from Fairies, Humanimals, and Goblins, to Giants, talking animals, Dwarves, and, of course, humans. It was at this meeting that a Good Fairy who had partaken in one too many thimblefuls of beer fell victim to the libido of a Bad Fairy.

Veszico was the product of that one night, and due to her mixed blood, she was an outcast. The shame of being an outcast had given Veszico an anger management problem and some violent tendencies, which almost landed her in the Tower. One day she’d thrown an Inquisitor of the third order into the River Ozmus but not before stripping him naked and painting him blue. Just as she was about to be sentenced, the Agency interceded and hired her, which is why she now found herself sitting in Lily’s pocket as she knocked on an apartment door in Othaside.

Robert blocked the bathroom door closed with a golf club. It had occurred to him at the time that it was strange he even owned a golf club as he couldn’t play golf, had never tried playing the game, and anytime he saw it on TV it made him want to kick himself in the groin in order to get away from the boredom that the game conveyed. However, he was happy that he owned one, as it secured the bathroom door rather effectively, trapping the evil-looking Dwarf inside.

There was a knock at his apartment door. Robert looked from his bathroom door to his front door and back again, and then he looked at his right hand where he was brandishing a frying pan as a weapon, and then noticed in the mirror that he was still naked. Answering the front door didn’t really seem to be at the top of his to-do list at the moment.

“Open the door, Darkly,” said the voice from behind the bathroom door.

“Er… w-what are you doing in my bathtub?” stammered Robert, tightening his grip on his non-stick frying pan.

There was another knock at the front door, but this time it carried a hint of urgency, and more than a touch of impatience.

“Why don’t you open the door and we can talk about it,” said the Dwarf and snickered.

“Like hell I’m opening the door, you’ve got a knife!”

“I can put it down if you like?” answered the Dwarf.

Robert thought about this for a moment.
Nope, he’s not going to put it down.
 

“Forget it!” he shouted, a little louder than he intended.

Another knock at the front door, this time with a dramatically increased sense of urgency and a boatload of impatience splashed with a smidgen of
open the bloody door!
And then a female voice followed the knock; it was smooth yet strong and independent.

“Robert Darkly, my name is Lily, I’m from the Agency. It’d be best if you opened the door.”

Robert was getting close to losing his grip, and not just on the frying pan. The weight of the day’s events coupled with his brooding over Sarah and then finding an evil-looking Dwarf in his bathtub, well, it was all too much.

“What Agency? What are you talking about?”

Robert was almost certain that he heard a sigh from behind the front door that spoke volumes. If those volumes could be turned into words, it would have sounded very much like, “I wish this idiot would open the door so I can get on with my day and why the heck does he sound like he’s naked?”

“Look, if you just open the door I can explain everything,” said Lily.

“Don’t listen to her,” said the Dwarf, “if you just open this door I’ll—err,” and the Dwarf hesitated, “explain everything. I’ll even put the knife down, can’t get a better deal than that.”

“Uhh,” said Robert, “okay, you outside the front door, do you have a knife and are you a Dwarf?”

There was that sigh again.

“No, I’m not a Dwarf and not carrying a knife,” said Lily.

“Will you please stop sighing, it’s not making me feel any calmer,” said Robert and then to the Dwarf, “Forget it, Dwarf, she doesn’t have a knife, therefore she sounds a hell of a lot safer than you.”

Rumpelstiltskin was drying himself with a towel. He hadn’t expected the Agency to catch up so quickly.
What the hell is the Mad Hatter up to?
This made things very difficult. The Dwarf tried opening the door again but to no avail.

“I have a message for you, Darkly; it’s from your father, your real father. He says he would like to see you. There you go, that’s it, that’s all I’m here for. Simple, eh?”

Images of the Tower loomed at him from corners of his memory.
I need a way out! I’ve got bigger fish to fry.

“My… my father?” said Robert, “How do you know my father?”

Rumpelstiltskin’s tricky little mind worked feverishly and then the answer hit him like a wet herring. “I bet you’ve always wished to see your parents, haven’t you, Darkly? I bet you’ve wished for a lot of things; you should wish for something now, maybe it’ll come true.”

Robert was unnerved; any talk of his real parents had always unnerved him and he’d never really understood why.

“Who are you talking to?” asked Lily.

“There’s an evil Dwarf in my bathroom,” said Robert with resignation and then to the Dwarf, “I just wish you weren’t in my bathroom.”

“Granted,” said the Dwarf as Robert’s front door was kicked open and a beautiful young woman with dark-coloured eyes, jet-black hair, and dressed in a black pants suit walked through his door. Robert was suddenly acutely aware that he was standing naked in his living room holding a frying pan as if he intended to do some sort of damage with it.

Lily rolled her eyes. Male stupidity was just as apparent in Othaside as it was in Thiside and probably everywhere else in the universe.

“Get the door, Veszico,” said Lily.

Veszico floated up out of her pocket and flew like a bullet at the bathroom door, blowing it into a million shards of wood upon contact.

Rumpelstiltskin was gone.

“Damn it!” exclaimed Lily. “Put the frying pan down, you idiot.”

“Not a chance, lady.”

“And put some pants on, that’s entirely more skin than anyone has a right to see upon a first meeting,” said Lily as Veszico buzzed around Robert’s head.

Robert mustered that tiny part of his soul that bore the closest resemblance to courage and swung the frying pan at Veszico. Had Robert known anything about Veszico, this simple act of attempted violence never would have crossed his mind.

The Fairy’s normal blue glow turned a fierce and vibrant red; she snatched the frying pan out of his hand and swung it full circle to smash into the side of his head.

Robert’s head was not conditioned to being hit with hard objects and his brain decided that this was a good time to become unconscious. He fell backward into his coffee table, smashing it into several small pieces.

“Nice swing, but not really why we came here. Find Jack and tell him I’ve found Darkly but the Dwarf is gone. He’ll still be here in Othaside, probably looking for a passport so he can get back. Tell Jack I’ll meet him at the Exchange and tell him I’m bringing Robert Darkly with me.”

Veszico shook her head and pointed angrily at the unconscious naked man.

“I know, Veszico, but he’s involved somehow and we need to know how.”

Veszico
hmphed
, turned a light greyish kind of color, and flew out of the window, instantly blending in with the dark clouds.

“All right, Robert Darkly, son of a madman, time to wake up.”

Sad irony existed throughout the Universe. Ironically, the fact that it was sad didn’t stop it from being amusing to outside observers. This was the case with the North London Association of Khuzdophobia Sufferers. Khuzdophobia was a term made popular firstly by the online gaming community and secondly by the North London Association of Khuzdophobia Sufferers. Khuzdophobia was the completely non-medical, non-sanctioned, un-technical term that described someone who had a fear of Dwarves.