Stiltskin (Andrew Buckley) (14 page)

He later discovered that a Rath was a pig-like creature that was coloured bright green. Not many people ate them, partially because of the unappealing taste, but mostly because Raths had the ability of speech. They weren’t classed as a Humanimal because they weren’t half of anything. Their simple life functions consisted of eating, sleeping, excreting, and talking single-mindedly to anyone and everyone about current events and local politics. Raths were known to be so boring that they could make people’s appetite vanish completely. Some thought this was a defence mechanism to stop anyone from killing and eating them. The Raths didn’t support such accusations and claimed that they simply enjoyed a good conversation.

The path Robert and Lily had been following finally wound out of the hilly region surrounding the Exchange and led them through a dense forest known only as the Dark Forest, so named because the trees were so dense that they practically blocked out the sun and the closeness of the trees made it impossible to deviate from the path. Lily had said that the Historian lived on the border between the Northern Territory and the Central Region, where they were currently located. Thiside was split into several different provinces, each one controlled by a different ruler, or in some cases, several rulers. Lily explained that they would reach the Historian sometime in the morning and that they’d need to stop for the night, as the Forests of Thiside were dangerous at night.

“Where will we stay?” asked Robert.

“There’s a halfway house in the Dark Forest. I’ve stayed there before. It’ll be a good experience for you; it’s owned by a Humanimal couple.”

“Really?” asked Robert, far too excited than he probably should have been but he couldn’t help it. Everything was new to him today. It was like being born, if being born meant getting dumped, fired, hit by a Fairy, attacked by Gnomes and witnessing a sordid sexual act by a couple of giant birds.

“Thank you,” said Robert to Lily sincerely.

“For what?”

“Just for everything really. Bringing me along.”

Lily smiled a coy smile that Robert had barely seen since first meeting her. As quickly as the smile appeared, it was gone. “Well, it makes sense. Obviously you’re involved in all this somehow.”

“I wish I knew how.” Robert looked around and realized that they were alone. “What happened to the Gnomes?”

“They’re around somewhere, probably scouting ahead.”

Robert had wanted to bring up a subject with Lily but it didn’t seem that she was overly interested in talking about herself at any point. “Lily, where do you fit into this?”

“I work for the Agency.”

“I know, you’ve told me that. Not what the Agency does, but I know you work for them. I was thinking more along the lines of how do you fit into this world? Everyone here seems to have an origin in Thiside.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. If you’re here long enough, maybe you’ll figure it out.”

Gnick and General Gnarly dropped through the overhanging trees and landed lightly in front of Lily and Robert. Gnarly always addressed Lily, rarely even acknowledging Robert’s presence.

“The halfway house currently holds no travellers. Maureen and Melvin Goathead will be happy to accommodate us for the night. They know nothing of the escaped Dwarf.”

“Thank you, General,” said Lily. The Gnome nodded and, with Gnick, turned and carried on along the path. Robert had found it amusing when Lily had told him the Gnomes were warriors. He could scarcely believe that any person so small could be dangerous. Not long after they’d left the Exchange, General Gnarly had announced that he was hungry and in one fluid motion Gnick had produced a dagger from his sleeve and thrown it with pinpoint accuracy at a small bird in a tree at least fifty feet away. Much to the bird’s dismay, its head was severed clean off its shoulders and the carcass was quickly cooked over an open flame and eaten by two hungry Gnomes.

“How far to the halfway house?” asked Robert. Lily simply pointed up ahead. He could see that the pathway widened to accommodate a large stone building with a thatched roof. The windows indicated that the building featured two floors. Smoke billowed from the stone chimney and a warm glow emanated from the windows, making him feel comfortable and cosy just by looking at it.

The incorporeal creature drifted somewhere between the realities as orange and purple colours of no significance swirled around in the nothingness, riding on winds that didn’t exist in a space where no living thing could survive. It had taken time and some searching, but he’d finally found his prey. He had tried again to take corporeal form, but the only result had been an extremely surprised young poet from South America who had been snatched out of his morning shower, propelled across the ocean at the speed of dark and dropped, stark naked, in front of the Sydney Opera House in Australia. A performance of the stage show
Cats
had just come to an end and the audience was exiting the Opera House into the warm night air.

The poet, who had always been good at making the best out of any situation, got to his feet, cleared his throat and recited a haiku he’d written a couple of months ago. He received an encouraging round of applause. He went on to recite a limerick that made everyone laugh and ended with a heart-wrenching allegory that caused the audience to shed a few tears. As the final stanzas rang out into the night, the crowd cheered and screamed for an encore. The South American poet went on to be known as the
Naked Poet
and lived out his days travelling around Australia and drawing crowds wherever he went.

The mystical creature had come to terms with the fact that he had two choices. He could remain incorporeal and ineffectual and do absolutely nothing but float around and observe as best as he could the events unfolding in the universe. Or, he could throw caution to the wind, create a corporeal vessel, and slowly filter himself into it. It would be slow and although the vessel would, in essence, be him, he understood that for a time he would be completely unaware of himself but at least he’d be in the thick of the action. Eventually he’d be himself; it was just a matter of time. And when one is a mystical, slightly omnipotent creature that transcends space and reality, time is meaningless.

With no more than a thought, he began to reintroduce himself back into the world.

“Look, I didn’t mean anything by it,” said Robert with an insurmountable amount of conviction.

“Shut up, Robert,” snapped Lily.

The Gnomes snickered.

Two angry-looking Humanimals glared at Robert, their arms folded assertively across their chests, as Lily tried to rectify the situation. Robert was sitting at a table near the door, feeling like an idiot. The Gnomes perched at the bar, wearing large grins.

Maureen and Melvin Goathead stood seven feet tall. They had the legs of a goat, a human upper body, human arms, and a long goat’s neck topped with a goat’s head. Maureen had a ring in both of her ears, ample breasts, and a stern look that could turn men to slush. Melvin had a simple look about him that would lead anyone with eyes to believe that Maureen was definitely the boss in this household. Maureen wore a dress tied at the middle with a braided rope while Melvin sported a pair of stonewashed jeans, a white shirt with a high collar, and a green blazer. A pair of spectacles perched haphazardly on the end of his long goat nose.

Robert, Lily, and the Gnomes had entered the halfway house, which to Robert looked very much like he would have imagined a medieval tavern to look. It occurred to him that, so far, everywhere he’d seen had held the same Olde Worlde sort of look. It should have seemed strange to Robert but for some reason it felt completely natural.

Lily had informed Robert that the names of the owners of the halfway house were Melvin and Maureen Goathead, but failed to mention that their animal half was, coincidentally, a goat. The revelation had taken him by surprise. As they entered the halfway house and were greeted by the couple, Robert had been shocked by their height and the fact that they spoke just like a human. Coupled with the many surprises of the day, the first rather stupid words out of Robert’s mouth were “You’re goats!”

There was nothing more insulting to a Humanimal than being referred to as an animal. The pair demanded that Robert leave.

Lily had come to his rescue and explained that he was an Othasider who knew nothing about this world until a few short hours ago and that the stress of the day was getting to him. The Gnomes added that he was a moron and couldn’t help it.

Finally, the Goatheads agreed that they’d overlook the rude comment and that they were all welcome to stay the night, took their food orders, and vanished into a back door that he assumed led to a kitchen.

“Nice first impression, Robert,” said Lily with a smile.

“Good one, moron,” said Gnick.

The Gnomes jumped down from the bar and the four of them moved to a larger table by the fireplace at the far end of the room.

Robert hadn’t realized how hungry he was until Maureen dropped a plate of something brown and roasted accompanied by fresh vegetables and boiled potatoes smothered in some sort of rich gravy in front him, along with a large glass of beer. Realistically, he hadn’t eaten since before he was fired from his job that same morning. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

After dining, Lily retired to her room to get cleaned up, leaving Robert alone with two slightly intoxicated Gnomes and Melvin, who had joined them for a nightcap. Maureen could be heard clattering around in the kitchen. Thanks to his underwhelming first impression, the conversation had been as comfortable as barbed wire underwear. As the night fully took effect and the alcohol slipped slowly into the bloodstream, Melvin started to warm toward Robert. After a while, the Gnomes started telling jokes about wizards that amused Melvin to no end. Robert did his best to laugh where he thought was appropriate as he didn’t really get some of the jokes and assumed he needed to know something more about wizarding-kind to appreciate fully the humour. Melvin on the other hand had a hearty laugh that often ended with him bleating, which caused him to laugh more.

After some time, the conversation turned to Robert. Melvin asked if there was anything he’d like to know, as he was a newcomer to this world.

“Well, I only have around a million questions,” replied Robert.

“As you should,” agreed Melvin.

“Moron,” stated Gnick. Even the Gnomes had ceased to annoy Robert; he was getting used to their general lack of manners and consistent insults.

“How about money?” asked Robert. “What kind of currency do you use in Thiside?”

Melvin reached into his jacket and pulled out a small, leather, drawstring pouch. He loosened the strings and shook several gold coins of varying sizes out onto the table.

“Is this real gold?”

“There are several different forms of currency here,” said Melvin, “information, for example.”

“Blood,” added General Gnarly.

“And gold,” finished Melvin. “The blood is regulated by the White Rabbit. Information belongs to the knowledgeable and the gold is mined and coined in one location on the far side of the Grimm Mountains.”

“By the Seven Dwarves Mining Corporation,” added Gnick.