Spectacularly Broken (23 page)

“This seems so pointless,” Jarett was now remarking as we walked side by side. I didn’t exactly like his comment, but I was thankful for anything that broke the eerie silence. “I mean, did you see the map? He could be anywhere.”

“It’s pretty much the best chance we have to find him.”

“Yeah. I know.” He stumbled over a root and crashed into me before regaining his balance. “Shit, sorry. Sorry.”

“You’re fine.” I kept my grip on his arm for a moment. “We have to find him. I’ll go crazy if we don’t. I don’t even want to think about that. God, his parents must be out of their minds. They’ve been through so much shit.”

“Yeah,” Jarett said and dragged his feet for a moment. “I know what it’s like to lose a family member, remember?”

In fact, I did remember. The air was cooling down rapidly, so I reached for the sweater the ranger had insisted I take along. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“What, now?”

“Well, we don’t exactly have anything better to do while we walk.” I winced as soon as the words were out. “I so did not mean for that to sound like I’m asking because I’m bored.”

Jarett snorted. “No, it sounded fine. I know what you mean.”

“So?”

He shrugged. “So, my dad had bipolar disorder and a gambling problem. It wasn’t a good combination.”

“Bipolar, like mood swings?”

“Yeah. Mania and depression. During the manic phases, he went to the casino, and he was so convinced he would win enough money to cover what he’d lost, every single time. Then the depression hit, and he would feel like hell about it. He was on medication, but he didn’t always remember to take it. And I think the guilt just became too much for him eventually. The month before he died, all I remember is him apologizing to me, over and over again.”

“Damn, Jarett, that’s tough.”

“Yeah.” He swallowed hard. “And then I had to be the one who found him. I’ll never get that picture out of my head. I’ve got a bunch of techniques to distract myself and stuff, and for the most part it works, but it’s always gonna be there. And I’m always gonna miss him.”

I reached for his hand and squeezed it because I hadn’t the faintest clue what else to do, and I definitely couldn’t find any words to express my sympathy.

He gave me a smile in return. “Like I told you before, I’m mostly okay. I still have trouble making friends. But it’s been nice at the manor. None of you guys thought of me as the really weird kid, you know.”

“No, definitely not. You’re Jarett the Generous, remember?” I bumped my hip into his. “And, you know, I really want to keep in contact, if that’s cool. I wanna know that you’re going to be okay. Lexa and Nicky too.”

Jarett’s expression brightened a little. “That’d be really nice,” he said. “To have someone to talk to when I have a bad day or something.”

“Yeah. And I can fly you guys to LA sometime when we want to meet again.” I frowned as something occurred to me. “Or maybe not. I might not have any money to. My dad wants to disown me because I’m kind of a waste of space, but I don’t think he’s decided on it yet.”

“You are not a waste of space,” Jarett told me with emphasis. “Come on, man, think about it. We were all helping each other these past few weeks, and that includes you. You make awesome T-shirts for people, and right now you’re combing a forest to find your friend.”

“I guess.” The list of my successes didn’t compensate for the remorse I felt. “I feel like I should be doing more for Cai.”

“You will.” Jarett very obviously tried to sound confident. “He needs you. After you left, he just shut down. He didn’t even come to the group meetings anymore. He’ll get over being upset at you.”

I nodded mutely and stared into the fading twilight. There was a definite chill to the air now. I wanted nothing more than to find Cai and hold him like he always wanted to be held, warm him up and never ever let him go again. If he would let me. I remembered what he had said about Cassiel and the physical contact he craved, and my heart broke all over again when I thought about the fact that he was more than likely by himself right now, not with someone he could touch, not in a safe space—

I froze.

Jarett took three more steps before he noticed and turned.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Cupcake, are there any caves in this area?”

He stared at me. “I have no idea. Why?”

“Because Cai’s sanctuary was a cave. The picture. Remember?”

“Holy shit, yes.” Jarett fumbled for the map and squinted at it for long moments. “There’s a ton of caves, looks like. Just small ones, though.”

I stepped next to him and pointed at one of the areas that had been painted in pink marker—the Fields family’s former vacation spots. “Let’s check the caves that are close to here. That’s closest to us, right?”

Jarett, who had a much better grip on this whole GPS-navigation thing, nodded.

“Okay.” I adjusted the annoying backpack straps and pointed into the forest. “Let’s go.”

“Other way,” Jarett informed me helpfully, and I did an energetic one-eighty before marching off.

Chapter Twenty-Four

We found him after midnight, in the eighth cave we searched. We should have been back at the rally point by then, but we’d agreed that we really didn’t give a damn at that point. It might have been stupid and risky of us—in retrospect, it very likely was—but with stubborn perseverance, we refused to stop stumbling up and down slopes and hillsides and searching anything resembling a cave.

And then the beam of my flashlight swept over a hunched figure sitting against the cave wall.

“Cai!” I shouted and stumbled to his side.

He didn’t react. I pushed back his hood to make sure it was really him, and as soon as I could make out his features in the semidarkness, I dropped down and pulled him into a hug.

He felt like ice. God knew how long he had been in there, but he wasn’t even shivering, and he should have been. It was fucking freezing.

“Oh my God, is that him?” Jarett sounded near-hysterical.

“Yes.” I pressed Cai tighter to my chest. I was starting to panic, sucking in air so fast that my lungs were beginning to burn. “Can you call someone or radio them or whatever the hell we’re supposed to be doing?”

“Yeah, hold on.”

With that, Jarett retreated and left me alone with two armfuls of cold, unresponsive quasi-boyfriend.

* * * *

I slept in a hospital visitor’s room for the second time in a week. Granted, Cai wasn’t as badly off as Finn had been, but I couldn’t shake off the fear that he would be gone when I came back in the morning. That he might avoid me, refuse to talk to me. But I had things to say to him, and he would just have to get over himself and listen, damn it.

By the time I had begged a toothbrush from a nurse and found a bathroom, visitor’s hours had started. Cai’s parents were sitting by his bedside when I entered his room. His mother clutched his hand and talked to him in a low voice.

“Lysander, isn’t it?” Jim stood and offered his hand. “I haven’t gotten around to thanking you yet. I still can’t quite believe you found him.”

I shook his hand but at the same time glanced toward Cai, who had noticed me by then. He was keeping his face maddeningly neutral. I did not intend to let that put me off.

“I know this might not be the best time,” I acknowledged as I stepped closer, “but, Cai, you and I need to talk. Because I feel like this whole thing is all my fault.”

Cai set his jaw and stared stubbornly at the wall. His parents exchanged a look.

Chewing my lip, I surveyed them. “Is it too much to ask…could we have a moment?” I requested tentatively.

Another look. I read burning anger in Cai’s eyes, but he still let go of his mother’s hand as both his parents nodded and retreated. The moment the door closed behind them, Cai sucked in a deep breath.

“I really don’t know what you want me to say,” he stated coolly.

“I. Um.” It was a difficult task to try and collect myself. “Look, I understand why you’re mad at me—”

“
Mad
doesn’t quite describe the feeling,” he ground out.

Ouch.

“I know,” I muttered. “I know I fucked up. When Finn and I first agreed to do this, it was just for fun. We wanted to see how long we could pull it off without anyone noticing, and I guess we didn’t really think it through. I never set out to hurt anyone. I didn’t lie any more than I absolutely had to.”

“You lied plenty.”

“I wanted to tell you; I really did. I just… After we had that talk about my mom and what you thought of me, that you didn’t think I was a credit to her memory…” I lowered my eyes. “I got scared. It was hard to hear.”

I waited for a reaction and didn’t get one. Cai still wouldn’t look at me.

“So?” he asked eventually.

“So.” I squeezed my eyes shut and put myself out there. “I love you, Cai.”

The response I got was a derisive laugh. “I don’t even
know
you.”

Oh God, I was screwing this up so bad. “Yes you do.” I stared bleakly at my hands. “I’m still the guy who hates bacon and dishwater, you know. I’m still the guy who smacked his head on the pool edge and kept screaming for his dad for three hours. I’m still the guy who is terrified of being useless and a waste.”

His fingers dug into the sheets, but that was the only sign that hinted he’d even heard me.

Through my pain and blank fear, I kept going. “I’m still the guy who’s done too many drugs and fucked too many guys, who fell in love with someone broken and beautiful and is scared to death right now of losing that, who thinks you’re cute and courageous and complicated and the best thing that’s ever happened to him.”

The tears came. I couldn’t have held them back to save my life. I’d never opened up like this, ever, to anyone. I hadn’t known I could.

“All I’m asking for,” I forced out, “is a chance to prove that. Just one chance. Please.”

Then I closed my eyes and waited.

And waited.

The sobs continued to tear out of me. I wanted to wipe my face, but I didn’t dare move. I didn’t dare do anything but sit there and cry like a baby. And hope. And pray.

There was a sound I couldn’t identify. Then my face was gently wiped with a tissue—tears, snot, the entire disgusting mess I’d turned into. Cai handed me another one and let me blow my nose while he studied me.

I risked a glance. He still hadn’t said anything, but the hostility had left his expression and body language.

Eventually his lips curved into a wry smile. “You do realize you’re talking to a guy who’s so lost that he spent the last twenty-four hours in a cave?”

“Yeah, well, you’re talking to the guy who’s so heartbroken that he spent four days sitting mutely by the poolside.”

“Touché,” he said. There was a moment of silence before he regarded me with a deep sigh. “You know, someone needs to keep you in line. Might as well be me.”

Then he leaned forward and pulled me into his arms, and I embarrassingly started on another round of tears.

* * * *

When his parents finally peeked into the room to check on us, we were both on the bed and clinging to each other. I felt calmer and happier than I ever had in my life. There were no more lies, no more pretending, no more wondering and worrying. Just Cai and me.

That lasted exactly until Cai’s mother politely cleared her throat. “I might be hallucinating, but I think I just saw Joel Shepherd,” she said.

I groaned and buried my head in Cai’s shoulder.

“You brought your dad with you?” he asked.

“I
thought
I left him in Nevada.”

“Apparently not.” He kissed my nose, tilted his head, and studied my face. “Everything you told me about your dad was true, wasn’t it? You weren’t talking about your cousin’s father.”

“Finn’s dad died a few years back.” I sat up with a put-upon sigh. “And I barely knew him anyway. Yeah. All of that was true.”

“You really blame yourself for your mom’s death?”

I couldn’t look at him as I nodded.

“You know that’s bullshit. Lysander.” He grasped my hand. “Feels strange, calling you that.”

“Feel free to keep using Haze. I actually kind of like it now. And Finn doesn’t use it.”

“Nah,” he said. “Lysander is a great name. It’ll just take some getting used to. Do you have a nickname?”

“Lys,” I told him. “Finn calls me Lys.”

“Lys.” His fingers squeezed mine gently. “You should probably talk to a shrink about that, you know. And I say that as someone who’s spent a lot of the last two years talking to shrinks. It’ll help.”

“I’ll think about it,” I assured him.

“You should go say hi to your dad.”

I made a face. “If I have to.”

“Hey, he’s here, isn’t he? Weren’t you complaining about never seeing him?”

“I suppose,” I conceded grudgingly.

“Go,” he said and pushed me out of bed.

When I stepped out of the room, I was treated to the unexpected sight of one Joel Shepherd, looking rumpled and anything but perfect. He didn’t appear to have slept or shaved, which was almost amusing because it meant we matched perfectly. There was a crumpled piece of paper in his hands.

“Fancy meeting you here,” I said in lieu of an actual greeting.

“Lysander.” He gave me a nod and then a weird look. “We should talk.”

“What, now?” I looked him up and down. “This couldn’t have waited until I got back? I wasn’t planning on eloping to Europe or something. I just need a couple of days.”

He lowered his gaze to the paper in his hands. I studied it. Then I realized with growing horror what he was holding.

“That wasn’t—”

“I know,” he interrupted me. “I know I wasn’t supposed to read it. Your group therapist from the manor gave it to me, and she said it was yours, and I, well…”

Dear (not really all that dear) Dad…

“It was just an exercise,” I said.

“I know,” he said again. Then he reached out, put his hand on my shoulder, and led me to the closest visitor’s lounge.

“I don’t blame you for your mother’s death,” was the first thing he said when we sat. “I… Why would you even think that?”

My lips hurt. I was pressing them together that hard. “You never ever talk about her,” I said.