Spectacularly Broken (17 page)

The more I thought about how much Cai seemed to despise Lysander Shepherd, the less I wanted to go back to being him. It made my stomach ache to imagine how he would react once he found out what Finn and I had done. I had no idea whether there was a chance he might forgive me. Part of me knew that the longer I waited to confess, the harder it would be to get it done, but the fear of losing this thing between us kept me mute.

After lunch, we had some free time, and instead of returning to our rooms, green group spent some time in the garden. On the far side of the lake was a small flowering meadow that made for a pleasant spot to sit or to lie down and stare at the deep blue sky. Jarett was doing some kind of writing exercise for his therapist. Nicky counted butterflies. Lexa had taken along her sketchbook and a pencil and was drawing. Cai and I were sitting together, of course, tickling each other with grass stems and flowers. It was peaceful and warm and comfortable, the five of us so used to each other by now that we could all relax.

I heard the sound of someone approaching through the high grass but was too busy squirming while Cai did his best to stick a blade of grass into my ear to turn and look. I didn’t need to either, because Nicky glanced behind me and helpfully said, “Hi, Lysander.”

Cai stiffened a bit. I leaned back and cupped his cheek. “Please, be nice?” I asked him. He sighed.

“Hey,” Finn said as he stepped up to our group. “What are you guys doing here?”

“Enjoying the weather,” I said. “How about you?”

He threw a suspicious glance back at the manor. “Hiding,” he announced.

“From who?”

“Um. Long story.” He sat down between me and Lexa and gave her a little wave. She waved back. “There’s a girl in my group that’s stalking me. It’s getting a little awkward.”

Jarett’s eyebrows went up. “Stalking?” he repeated.

“Yeah. Yesterday she waited outside the bathroom for half an hour until I was done with my shower. That was…yeah.” Finn scratched his scalp. “I’ve tried really hard to be nice about it, but it’s not working. She’s a nice girl and all, but she’s…”

“Creepily all over you?” I suggested.

“To put it mildly. And there’s this other guy in my group who likes her, and he’s taking this all a bit personally. So he’s not exactly a fan of me right now.”

“Did you explain to him that you’re not interested in her?” Nicky asked.

Finn nodded. “Damien’s got some anger issues. For the most part, he’s really nice, but when he gets upset, you can talk your head off, and he won’t listen to a word. And I’m getting really worried this might set him off, so I figured I’d try and fix it by just avoiding Paige. So here I am.” He threw his hands up.

“Lucky us,” Cai grumbled. I elbowed him.

“I hope it’s okay if I sit with you guys for a while.” Finn looked anxious. Cai opened his mouth, and I got ready to elbow him harder, but before he could say anything, Lexa nodded decisively and then shot Cai the dirtiest look I’d ever seen on her face. He snorted, amused, and remained silent as he relaxed against me.

“So, Lysander, why are you here?” Nicky asked.

“Nicky!” I snapped, sitting up straight. “Not okay!”

“How come?” Nicky pouted. “Everyone knows why
I’m
here.”

“That’s nice, but it doesn’t mean—”

“It’s okay,” Finn interrupted me and placed his hand on my shoulder. “It’s fine.” He squeezed his eyes shut while taking a deep breath. “Suicide attempt,” he said bluntly.

He shocked the hell out of me. I had not in any way, shape, or form expected him to share that. Maybe group therapy had done him good, made him comfortable having it out in the open. I wasn’t sure whether to be impressed or frightened, but I could feel Cai going rigid behind me.

“Oh,” Nicky breathed, looking immediately ashamed. “I’m sorry, I thought…I thought it was gonna be something, um…” He blushed to the tips of his ears.

“Less pathetic?” Finn suggested with a wry smile. “Yeah, well. I’m not proud of it. But I need to learn to talk about it.”

Lexa moved her free hand into the air, hesitated, pulled it back, and then changed her mind again and laid it gently on Finn’s arm.

“Thank you,” he said. “May I see what you’re drawing?”

She immediately slid closer to him, and their heads bowed together over her sketchbook. You could have knocked me over with a feather. He really seemed to be fond of her. And she of him, which was far more impressive.

Jarett asked Nicky a question about whatever he was writing, Finn commented on Lexa’s picture, and I relaxed again, glad the tension had evaporated. Cai’s breath warmed my ear.

“Did you know?” he asked quietly. It was clear to me he was talking about Finn. I nodded.

He was silent after that, possibly working through that information, or maybe contemplating something else entirely. Whatever it was, he seemed a lot calmer now. When his arms closed around my waist and he placed his chin on my shoulder, he was all quiet strength.

* * * *

“He doesn’t like me much, does he?” Finn looked worried, cowering on his bed with his arms hugging his knees.

“He doesn’t like
me
,” I corrected him.

“Wait, what? I’m lost. I thought you two were joined at the hip these days.”

“He really hates the Lysander Shepherd, um, public persona,” I tried to explain. “He’s basically told me he thinks I’m a douche. Well, right now he thinks
you’re
a douche. Ah, fuck!” I dropped down next to Finn and buried my head in my arms.

“So he hates Lysander, but he likes Haze.”

“Yes, precisely.” I grimaced. “And I don’t know how I’m supposed to tell him that, well…” I made a hand motion between Finn and myself.

“That they’re one and the same.”

“This is
so
not what I signed up for, Finn.”

He looped an arm around my neck. “You like him, don’t you?”

I nodded.

“Really, really like him?”

I nodded again.

“You’re totally falling for him, aren’t you?”

I made a tortured whining noise, and Finn laughed. “Ah, damn, Lys. You ever do anything the simple way?”

“Apparently not.” I ran my nails across my scalp, which felt a little soothing. “The thing is, much as I’m afraid he’ll hate me, it scares me much worse that I might end up hurting him. I don’t know how I’d ever forgive myself. I’m fucking terrified.”

“He’s got a lot of issues, huh?”

I nodded.

“Don’t stress,” Finn advised me. He pulled me closer with the arm still hooked around my neck. “You never know. He might be totally okay with it. You two might end up laughing about it together.”

I could only hope.

“Speaking of issues,” I changed course, “I want to talk to you about Lexa.”

Finn snorted and let me go, throwing himself backward onto his pillow. “Ah. Wondered when that was coming.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That you guys are obviously really protective of her. And I don’t mind. It’s kind of adorable.” He gave me a grin. Knowing what I did about Lexa, I was less amused.

“She’s been through some difficult stuff, Finn.”

“Yeah, I know. She told me.”

My jaw dropped. “She did?”

“Mm-hm.” He made a big production of getting comfortable, glancing at me a couple of times. “We walked through the garden for over an hour after I sat with you guys in the meadow yesterday, and she started talking a little.”

“What about?” I couldn’t bite my tongue, even though I knew I probably shouldn’t be digging.

“Stuff.” Finn shrugged. “She explained how it felt when the world started to grow more and more intimidating, and how she realized she just couldn’t talk in some situations, and how it got worse and worse, and she couldn’t fight it. It only started a couple of years ago, you know. Before that, nobody even knew that anything had happened to her.”

“And she told you—”

“Not details,” Finn said sharply. “And I don’t want to know them unless it’s her telling me. But she made it clear she doesn’t know if she can have a normal relationship.”

“And?” I was surprised by how calm he was about all this.

“And I’m okay with that.” Finn shrugged. “I like her, Lys. I like her company. I don’t have any expectations, and I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship either, so I’m not gonna push the issue. I’m aware she’s kinda fragile, okay? And I’m not an asshole.”

“No, I know that.”

“Good,” he grumbled. “You damn well should.”

“What are you gonna do when you go back home?”

“Hopefully stay in contact with her. She only lives about two hours away from me. I’d like to try, anyway. Except, of course, I’ll also have to tell her the whole I’m-not-Lysander thing.”

“I don’t think she’ll care, frankly,” I thought out loud. “Actually, she’ll probably be relieved. Can you imagine if she started getting media attention? God, no.” I shuddered. “Really bad idea.”

“I agree.” As he sat up again, Finn let out a deep sigh. “Oh, hey! Dr. Brookhard is really satisfied with your progress.” His hand went under his pillow, and he pulled out an open package of Twizzlers.

“Yeah?” I asked expectantly.

“Yes. We talked a lot about the dark side of fame the other day. And about your mom, a little.” He gave me a sideways look and held out a Twizzler. “Hope that doesn’t bother you. You want one?”

“Thanks, but no. As long as I don’t have to listen to it, it’s fine,” I replied breezily, purposely avoiding any thoughts of what Cai had said about my mom. That part was still a little raw for me.

“I thought of my dad, for the most part. He hasn’t been gone as long, but it worked well enough to get me through that discussion.” He pointed at me with the Twizzler. “Dr. Brookhard and I are in agreement that you need new friends, though.”

“I like my old ones,” I said petulantly.

“Yeah, they’re just
great
. Especially when they enable your drug use.”

“No, they’d…” I fell silent and gave the matter serious consideration. What would Sawyer and Logan say if I came back home and told them I’d decided to be clean from now on? “I think they’d be okay with it.”

“Well, better make sure of that, is all I’m saying. Anyway, how’s
my
therapy going?”

“It’s going,” I said vaguely.

“Did you get me in trouble?” Finn asked suspiciously, taking two more Twizzlers, apparently for good measure.

“No, nothing like that. We’ve talked some about your brother and your ex. I told you that. And there was something about whether I—I mean you—hate people or yourself. I convinced Dr. Pierce you aren’t a danger to yourself anymore, so I hope that’s true. And then she told me what love felt like, and I freaked out.”

Finn nearly choked on his candy. “She what?
You what
?”

“What’s not clear about that?”

“Why the hell did she talk about that?”

“Because I asked,” I said with as much dignity as I could muster.

“Lys! Oh my God.” Finn rolled over and buried his head in his pillow. “You asked your therapist what love feels like?” His voice, of course, came out muffled.

“I still don’t see the problem.” I could no longer resist the temptation of the candy and reached into Finn’s bag for one. “I needed to know. How the hell else was I supposed to?”

When Finn turned back, his face was suddenly serious. “You don’t know what love feels like?” He looked at me very thoughtfully as he asked the question.

“Obviously not,” I groused.

“I’m not just talking romantic love, Lys.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Okay, so who the fuck is supposed to love me? Who the fuck am I supposed to love? If you say my dad, I will beat you to death with this.” I waved the Twizzler.

“Your dad does love you,” Finn said seriously.

“My dad doesn’t give a fuck. He’s got a guilty conscience, a job to do, and a public image to maintain. That’s my dad in a nutshell. That’s all there is to him. I don’t think he’s even capable of love. Oh, he could fake it well enough to win an Oscar, I’m sure, but if you think he loves me, you’re seriously deluded.”

“He loved your mom, didn’t he?”

“I wouldn’t know, would I? He never talks about her. Any love he might possibly have had is dead and buried along with her.”

Finn was still shaking his head. I kind of wanted to slap him. It was nothing personal. I had that reaction to anyone trying to tell me how amazingly awesome my dad was.

“My dad’s an empty shell, Finn. I’ve known that for a long time. I’m used to it. I don’t even care anymore.”

He called me out. “Yeah, you do.”

I shot him a dirty look. “Fuck you.”

“I’m sorry, Lys, I just… Your life is so screwed up, and you don’t even see it.” He surged up, and suddenly I had my arms full of Finn as he squeezed me. “I don’t even know how to get through to you.”

“I know perfectly well that my life’s screwed up,” I said. “You were the one who insisted I had it easy, remember?”

“Yeah, okay, I take that all back.” He waved it away. “I figured that part out a while ago, you know. But I thought… Damn it, there’s got to be somebody in your life who loves you. Has to. People can’t thrive without love.”

“Okay, you’re getting all philosophical on me. This conversation is officially over,” I announced, grabbing more candy. He was also making me uncomfortable, but that was just a side effect.

“Fine,” he grumbled. “Have it your way. And stop eating all my Twizzlers.”

Chapter Nineteen

Green group was winning. I was pretty sure.

We were on the last leg of our extensive tour of the grounds, still well within the time limit and weighed down with a ridiculous amount of scavenger-hunt items. We really had put a lot of effort into this thing. Ordinarily, I would have dismissed it all as childish and annoying and unlikely to get me laid, but Nicky had been so excited and desperate to win that I had gritted my teeth and pretended not to be grouchy. Hence the bag full of pinecones, and Lexa’s sketch of animal tracks we had found, and the walking stick and the colored stones and the grasshopper in a jar.

And even though I’d have died before admitting it out loud, the whole thing was actually getting to be kind of fun.