Special Delivery (16 page)

I have something to say to you, she said, and he glanced up at her. She looked tired.

Are you okay? He always worried about her, and now he worried about the baby. This was just what he hadn't wanted.

I'm fine, she reassured him. But she didn't look it. She looked awful. I had an idea last night.

In your condition that could be dangerous. You probably want me to buy out Haagen-Dazs, or Ben & Jerry's.

I'm serious.

So am I. I'm buying stock in the companies. You are the single biggest consumer of ice cream west of the Rockies. She had already gained eight pounds and was barely three months pregnant. Okay, okay, I'll be serious. What is it?

She started to cry before she even told him, and he realized instantly that it was serious. But she talked about Jan and Paul and what they had said the night before, and how greatly it had pained her.

Sweetheart, it upset me too. But there's nothing we can do about it. They just have to see what happens, and keep trying.

Maybe not. That was my idea. You didn't want this baby anyway, Jack. And maybe we are too old. Maybe this is the greatest gift we can give them. Maybe this is why it happened. I want to give them the baby. He looked stunned when she said it.

Are you serious? You want to give them the baby? She nodded as she cried, and he put his arms around her.

I don't think you should do that. This is your baby. Our baby. It would be so hard for you to give it up once you had it.

I don't care. I want to do this for Jan, and for Paul. Will you let me?

You can do anything you want. It's an extraordinary thing to do, and people will talk about it. But who gives a damn? If that's what you want, and what they want, then do it.

I wanted to ask you first.

He nodded. I think it's the greatest gift you can give them, and since Paul is so opposed to adoption, it certainly solves the issue of the genes. I just want you to be sure you can do it.

I know I can. I want to. If it's all right with you, I want to talk to her this morning. Will you call Paul?

All right, I'll take him to lunch. If he'll see me.

I'll have Jan call him after I talk to her, and tell him this is important.

You're an amazing woman, sweetheart. And full of surprises and rare gifts. He was still amazed by her when he left for the store that morning. She didn't even bother to call Jan. She drove to her house before she left for the gallery, and Jan was so surprised, in spite of her resistance, she opened the door to her mother. And when Amanda told her what she had in mind, the two women sat and cried. At first Jan was shocked, and didn't want to do it, but after Amanda talked to her for a while, she wanted it very badly.

Would you really do that for me, Mom?

Yes, I would, Amanda said firmly, drying her eyes, and smiling at her daughter. I'd like nothing better.

What if you change your mind? Or Jack does?

We won't. If we give you our word, we'll do it. This is something we both want to do. Very much. I hope you'll let us.

I'll talk to Paul. Jan looked excited as she ran to the telephone, and was surprised to learn that Jack had already called him, and Paul already had some vague idea as to why his father wanted to see him. Jan explained the rest to him, and there were tears in his eyes as he listened.

I can't believe they'd do that, he whispered. Why?

Because they love us, Jan said, starting to cry again as her mother stood near her. Mom says we can both be there when the baby is born, and it's ours right from that very minute.

What if they change their minds?

I don't think they will, Paul. She really means it.

We'll talk about it, he said, afraid to get his hopes up. But he saw his father for lunch, and talked to Jan about it that night, and the next morning they called their respective parents, and accepted. Their mood was jubilant, and Amanda felt as though she had done something worthwhile and wonderful, and she knew she'd never regret it.

I can't believe you, Jack said, in awe of her. I just hope you're not sorry later.

I won't be. I'm absolutely sure. I don't care how much I love this baby once it's born, they should have it. You were probably right anyway. Maybe I will be too old to carpool at sixty.

You'd be cute at any age. And at least you can see the baby whenever you want to. That was something. He knew this wouldn't be easy for her. And then he had an idea. Why don't we go away somewhere? Just the two of us, for a vacation. What about Paris?

Wow! I'd love that. The girls had suggested it to her the summer before, but she hadn't been in the mood then. But she couldn't think of anything she'd like more than a trip to Paris with Jack Watson.

They went in June when she was five and a half months pregnant. They stayed at the Ritz and had a fabulous time. They went out for dinner every night, shopped, went to the Louvre and the ballet, and walked all over Paris. She had never felt better. In spite of the ice cream, she hadn't gained much weight, and Jack thought she looked terrific. Everything they said about pregnant women being beautiful seemed to hold true for her. The only thing she was sorry about was that she couldn't buy really great clothes while she was pregnant.

We'll come back in November, I promise. He was worried that she'd be depressed then. He still thought that giving up the baby would be hard for her, but she had never wavered once in her resolve to give it to their children.

They had a terrific time, and stopped in London for a few days on the way home. And in July he took her to Lake Tahoe. But in August, her doctor told her she couldn't travel. She was seven and a half months pregnant, and she was hardly a young mother. The baby was large, and the doctor was afraid it would come early.

My others were both late, she said confidently, and her obstetrician laughed at her openly.

And how old were you then?

All right, all right. I'll be good. I promise.

They knew that the baby was healthy, and a boy, she had had amniocentesis before they went to Europe. And Jan and Paul were going crazy over names. Louise, on the other hand, was still being silent and had scarcely spoken to her mother.

She'll get over it, Jack reassured her. He just wanted her to be happy. And he did everything he could to distract her. But all she thought of now was the baby. She wanted to buy clothes for it, teddy bears, cribs and tiny little underwear, and mountains of diapers. She seemed to go shopping almost daily, and whenever possible, she insisted he come with her.

What are people going to think, for God's sake? I look like the baby's grandfather. He was still mortified every time she took him shopping, and whenever someone asked, he said what they were buying was for their grandchild.

What does that make me? Your daughter?

How about my wife? You know, that could be arranged. They had been going out for eight months by then, but whenever he said it, she ignored him. She didn't want to think about anything at the moment, except the baby. She even made Jack come to the doctor with her.

The first time he had gone had been mortifying, and he had wanted to crawl out the door with a mask on. Instead, he had held the newspaper over his face, and tried to pretend he didn't know her.

I'm not going in, he whispered from behind the Los Angeles Times. Everyone in the waiting room looked about fourteen to him. It looked like a summer camp for unwed mothers. They were all pretty girls from Beverly Hills with blond hair and short dresses. They looked as though they'd been taking candy from strangers.

Don't be ridiculous. All they do is listen to the heartbeat. It's exciting, she whispered back to him, and he peeked around the paper. There was a boy in blue jeans across from him. He looked like a child actor.

You can tell me about it. I'll wait for you in the car, he said firmly. But she looked so devastated when he tried to leave, that he sat down again with a mortified expression, and the boy in the blue jeans asked him if it was his first baby. My children are older than you are, Jack said miserably. The boy said he was twenty-three, it was their second child. But his father and stepmother had had one the year before.

He's sixty-five, the boy said with a broad smile.

Did he survive it?

Yeah. They had twins. In vitro. They tried for two years. My stepmom is forty.

Lucky devils, Jack said wryly, and then said to Amanda in the examining room that people were crazy. Why would a sixty-five-year-old man want to have a baby? Imagine doing this 'in vitro.' At least we had a good time when we did it.

Want to try again? she teased him, and he rolled his eyes. But when the doctor handed the stethoscope to him and he heard the baby's heartbeat, even Jack was excited. It was suddenly so real that it brought tears to his eyes.

That's my grandchild! he said, too loud, because the stethoscope in his ears made him think he was speaking softly, which he wasn't.

Is this your father? the doctor asked her then, looking confused. I thought he was your husband.

Actually, my husband died a year and a half ago, she explained, and the doctor smiled at her benignly. Like all the people in Beverly Hills, these people were clearly more than a little eccentric.

But the baby was fine, and Jack couldn't stop talking about it all the way back to Julie's.

Next time we should really bring Jan and Paul, he said, and Amanda agreed with him, pleased that he was excited about the baby. She had to see the doctor nearly every week now. He wanted to keep a close eye on her. He was still concerned that she might deliver early, and to Jack at least, her belly looked enormous. He couldn't remember either of his children being that size in utero, but Amanda was also very slender, so it showed more.

But the very worst experience for him was the Lamaze classes they began on the fifteenth of August. There were twelve couples, mostly in shorts, beards, and Birkenstocks, lying on the floor of a conference room at Cedars Sinai. Jack had come from a meeting at the office in a Brioni suit and shirt and tie, and they looked at him like a visitor from another planet. Amanda was already there, waiting for him, and she looked very relaxed in white shorts and a huge pink T-shirt and sandals. She had just had her nails done, and she looked like a model. The people there were too young to even realize she had ever been an actress. Outside, the temperature was blazing, and Jack looked hot and frazzled when he got there.

Sorry I'm late, sweetheart. I couldn't get rid of the textile guys from Paris. They wanted to schmooze forever.

It's fine, she whispered with a smile, they just started. There were charts on the wall showing varying stages of a woman's dilated cervix. And Jack glanced over at it with horror.

What is that?

A cervix. Dilated. Don't worry about it.

It looks awful. He had spent the arrival of both his children in a bar, getting drunk with a friend. In those days, fathers didn't have to do anything more exotic than show up afterward, with flowers.

He glanced around the room then, and realized that, as usual, almost everyone there was the age of his children. But he was almost used to that by then. What he was not used to were the photographs they showed, or the diagrams, or the training film they had promised at the end of the session. He was looking grimmer by the second.

The only part he found even remotely bearable, though embarrassing, were the exercises he had to do with Amanda, holding her legs, or helping her breathe. And the woman at the front of the room talked constandy about the miseries of something called transition.

What is that? he said to his wife after the sixth time she'd said it. But he had said it too loudly, and the instructor had heard him.

It's the most painful part of labor, she said with a sadistic smile, when you go from this ' she pointed to a chart ' to this. It's a little bit like taking your upper lip and pulling it over the top of your head. She moved on to the next question.

Doesn't this scare you? he whispered, a lot more softly this time, to Amanda.

No, it's fine, she whispered back. I've been through it.

Did you do it without drugs? The woman at the front of the room kept warning them about the evils of anesthesia, and had made it clear that real women didn't ask for medication.

Of course not. Amanda grinned at him between puffing breaths and panting. They can give me everything they've got. In the parking lot preferably. I'm no hero.

I'm glad to hear it. What about me? Will they give me some too? He was beginning to feel as though he was going to need it. He hated the people in the class, hated the way they looked, the things they said, and the stupid questions they asked. It was a wonder any of them had ever gotten pregnant. Apparently, even morons could do it. But what he hated most was their instructor.

And when she announced that the film today was an actual caesarean, Jack began to glance longingly toward the exits.

Don't you want something to drink, sweetheart? he asked casually. It's so hot in here. Actually, the air conditioner was on, and it was freezing.

Just close your eyes. I won't tell. The purpose of the film was so that if any of them had an emergency C-section, the husbands would be prepared and present. If they had seen it, and had a certificate from the class to prove it, they could stay in the operating room and watch. If not, they had to wait outside, with the sissies. But Jack knew that there was no way he could have been there anyway, not without general anesthesia.

I'll be right back, he whispered, too loud again.

Where are you going? Amanda asked.

To the men's room, he whispered.

We'll wait for you, Mr. Kingston! the voice at the front of the room proclaimed loudly. You won't want to miss this. He gave a quelling look at his wife, and was back in under five minutes.

And with that, they started the film that almost killed him. He had been in the army for two years as a kid, but no training film they had shown him there rivaled this one. Even the one on gonorrhea was a pleasant memory compared to what looked like the sawing in half of some poor woman. She cried through most of it, looked as though she was in terrible pain, there was blood everywhere, and before the lights came up, Jack whispered to Amanda that he was nauseous.