Sounds of Yesterday (25 page)

“Em, look at me.”

Alex takes my face into his strong hands and his eyes are all I see. The room around us fades. I’m surrounded by memories of us. All of them. All of our firsts. The first time we met, our first conversation, the first tutor session, the first time we had sex. Our first date on Halloween.

I was so happy.

We were so happy.

Alex wanted to surprise me with a trip to California for my eighteenth birthday. He was going to show me where he grew up. He was going to show me what he never showed other people, and Pierce ruined that.

“He ruined everything!” I scream.

I have completely broken apart. I’m cracked open and the secrets I’ve held pour out.

I can’t stop it.

I grip Alex’s t-shirt until my knuckles are white.

“He said ‘happy birthday’ before he left that fucking bathroom.”

It feels like someone shoved their arm through my chest and is squeezing my heart in their fist.

I never told anyone what happened in that bathroom or what was said. When a person says they were raped, people don’t need more information. They’ll understand that someone forced themselves on you. But holding in those words was poison. Coming back here, released it into my system.

“He said ‘happy birthday’,” I repeat, sinking to my knees. “I hate my birthday.”

Alex is kneeling in front of me, his eyes shiny and wet. His face is pulled into the most heartbreaking expression I’ve ever seen. His body sags and I want to hug him to make him feel better. He understands now why I shoved him away the morning of my birthday. He understands that waking up to someone’s fingers teasing me, their lips kissing my neck, and then having ‘happy birthday’ whispered in my ear made me snap.

Alex hated himself for
touching
me just hours after I was raped.

It was his
words
that shattered me completely.

I never want to hear those words directed towards me again.

My arm is pulled and I look to my right at Declan’s tear-stained face.

My limp arms fall from gripping Alex’s shirt and I fall into my big brother’s arms, sobbing into his chest.

He hums something softly, the vibration from his chest soothing my cries. I recognize it as a lullaby,
All the Pretty Little Horses
, Mom used to sing to us when we were younger so we’d fall asleep. Declan sang it to me when Dad left and I was getting stitches. He became my ‘protector’ after that. Mom stopped singing us the lullaby when Declan took over and declared it our song. It was and still is the best thing he’s ever done for me.

By the end of the song, my heart feels partially whole and I can breathe a little easier.

Gwen walks toward me with a cup of something steaming in her hands. She must be worried that this is the first time I’ve come here after the last one and had a breakdown. I don’t know how she does it but my walls are dropped when I enter this house. I’m vulnerable and super emotional. Everything I try to hide is left in the open for the world to see.

“Drink this,” she offers.

I sit up and take the cup from her. All eyes are on me so I drop mine to the hardwood floors, to Zeus lying beside us, as I drink up her miracle tea. It warms me up and clears my head within minutes. I reach out my hand, searching for Alex’s. When I find his, I lace our fingers together.

I look up slowly, meeting his eyes.

Say something, please.

“I love you,” I whisper.

He squeezes my hand and leans into me, wrapping me in his arms.

Without struggle, there is no progress.

This moment had to happen.

Two weeks into spring classes and Sophie has a ‘no music while studying’ rule so I’m trying to do everything softly with my headphones on. She’s always been nice about it but now she has so much to do in so little time that she’s going crazy. My humming isn’t helping her.

With my sheet music notebooks lying around me, my pencil scratching against paper, and my fingers hitting keys at a fast pace, I’m good. I’m great, even.

Everyone has been calling me cocky lately because after Liam, Tyler and I got an A on our final exam/musical piece for our skills ensemble class, I’ve been playing the shit out of my songs and telling everyone that they’re
that
good. I’m done doubting myself. I love what I create and I don’t care what anyone thinks.

My gifts to them for ending the year and hopefully starting a much better one is a song I composed just for them. Sophie cried tears of joy and attacked me. Zach and Alex had tears pooling in their eyes after I played their own songs but they didn’t go full Sophie. They are men, they said. They don’t cry over music. Yeah, right.

We didn’t exchange birthday or Christmas gifts. I stayed in Florida and helped Sallie with the kids while Charlie went to my mom’s house and kept me updated on what they were doing. I spent my time trying to set Sallie up on a date. Landon knew a guy who knew a guy so we played matchmaker. Sallie hasn’t told me anything about their actual date but I do know the details of how their night ended. I really wish I wasn’t there for that but I was babysitting the kids and was the only one awake at two in the morning to witness Sallie coming home with flushed cheeks.

The days after that are filled up with me working for Charlie a few hours of the week, babysitting, writing music with Liam, and Skype calls with my loved ones.

Spring classes are a blessing for me because I finally get my friends back full time.

My phone vibrates on its spot on my piano and I’m instantly distracted, my fingers coming to a halt. I throw a ‘sorry’ over my shoulder so Soph doesn’t hate me. When I see Alex’s name on the screen, I immediately feel myself lighting up. I’m one hundred percent sure there’s a mega-watt smile on my lips.

I sit back and pull up his message.

Alex: I miss you, blue

I bite my bottom lip and frown, seeing the extra sad faces he includes next. I can go over to his room for a few minutes. I haven’t moved from this spot in a few hours.

I pull down my headphones and turn, getting ready to stand.

I stop and fall back into my chair, a squeal leaving my mouth, among other things.

Alex is lying down on my bed, staring at me, trying not to laugh because–

“Did you just fart?” he asks.

“No!” I reach for my perfume bottle and spritz the air because I just did and I’m not going to admit that
I
farted because he scared me. What the hell am I, a moron?

Alex falls back on my bed, laughing his ass off. “That was hilarious!” He’s holding his stomach and I’m just glaring at him but it is funny and I want to laugh but I’m not going to because he’s laughing
at
me and that’s just rude.

My eyes roam over to Sophie’s side and I find it empty. Where the hell did she go and when did Alex get here?

“Babe, come here.”

“No.”

“Please.”

I narrow my eyes at Alex again. He gives me the saddest puppy-dog look.

“Stop laughing at me. I thought Soph was here.”

“She was. Then I came over and she needed a break. I was here for five minutes.”

Well, I’ll be damned. I didn’t even notice. I usually do. Like, all the time.

“Will it make you feel better if I say you didn’t fart?”

I nod.

No woman in her right mind will willingly fart in front of her boyfriend until they’re living together or engaged. That way, your other half can’t leave you for knowing you’re just like him. Just saying. Us girls like to keep our men thinking we’re clean and proper. Later on in life is when you let loose. Wink wink.

“It was just a puff of glitter then.”

I look at him like he’s the dumbest person on the world. Which is saying something because he’s hella smart.

“Because you’re a unicorn…”

My heart melts.

I spring out of my chair and land on Alex. I assault him with kisses then leave him to take a much-needed shower. I think about him the whole time, which is not a good idea because I almost slip twice. He just makes my knees weak and the butterflies in my stomach flutter.

It’s everything he does that makes some part of me want to explode.

On Christmas, Alex was in Boston so I made him go into my bedroom closet and get the Christmas gifts that haven’t been touched in a year. I got him a Barcelona soccer team jersey because believe it or not, the dude never had one. The moment he landed in Miami and I was there waiting for him at the airport with Liam by my side, he was wearing the jersey with the biggest smile on his lips. It wasn’t much but to him, it was everything. That smile of his is what keeps the nightmares away. The day he came back for a visit, I gave him a coffee mug that has a human heart on it that says, ‘I (heart) you’. I don’t do Christmas gifts anymore but when I found that mug, it screamed Alex. His gift to me was having him with me. I tell him that constantly. I don’t need material things. I just want him.

When I’m clean and feel good about myself, I throw on clothes, hop onto my bed and straddle Alex’s legs. He looks up at me with a smile on his kissable lips. His arms are behind his head and I’ll much rather them be on me. Every time his hands are on some part of my body, I’m transported onto a different planet. I love that feeling.

Alex licks his lips and lifts his head up slightly.

I’m about to lean down and kiss him when I’m blindsided by a pillow to the face. Alex drops the pillow that he whipped from under his head like a ninja. I stare at him, stunned.

He sits up, wraps his arms around me and pulls us back down until we bounce on the bed. He laughs underneath me, making it up by kissing my neck and throat in-between breaths.

***

“What would you say if I told you that I bought a house?” Alex asks over dinner.

I look up for my plate of pasta and shrimp, locking eyes on the handsome man sitting in front of me. We’re at a nice Italian restaurant that Liam won’t shut up about. Meaning, I’m wearing something that I never wear, a dress. With sexy shoes.

“I’d call you a smart man but we wouldn’t want to inflate your ego.” I smirk, and set down my fork. “Did you?”

Alex plays with his rolled up sleeves and nods, looking down at the table before looking back up. “I’m always thinking about the future so…” A blush creeps up his neck and that boyish grin of his turns me into Jell-O. We’ll be here for a few more years of our lives. I understand why he’d want a house. Shit, I’m pretty sure all college students would prefer a house of their own instead of the dorm rooms, living with strangers. “It makes sense since I’ll be here for med-school.”

Hold up!

“Alex.” I sit up straighter, shaking my head. “No. Your dream is Harvard Med.” I will not be okay with him ditching another school of his choice because of me. Because I don’t want to ever go back to Boston. He already gave up Princeton. We both did. I still feel like shit that our lives took a detour and I wanted to get away from him. The U is amazing but
my
dream–
our
dream–was Princeton. Ever since I saw
A Cinderella Story
when I was younger, well, the school stuck in my head and I’ve loved researching it ever since.

“I’ve already looked into it and the Miller School of Medicine is a great school.”

“You’re not staying in Florida.”

Alex’s eyebrows shoot up. “I wasn’t aware that you owned this state.”

“Stop being a dick. You’re going to Harvard when you’re done here.”

“Em, dreams change. I don’t give a shit about Harvard. I can go anywhere.”

“So you choose here!”

The people to our right turn their heads and eye us.

I sink into my seat and lower my voice.

Jesus, when did I stop whispering? Every time I speak in a restaurant, people glance back at me.

“Is this because of me and my father? Is the university forcing Miller on you so our records aren’t touched? They’re pimping you out, aren’t they? You go to Miller and they’ll get so much attention because of who you are?”

It’s a never-ending cycle of me ruining lives, crushing dreams.

Alex shakes his head and reaches for my hand.

“The board was happy with the money. It’s done.
I
want to go to Miller.
I
want to stay in Florida.
I
want you to move in with me once this year is done.”

“What?” I blink back tears and try to understand what he’s saying because all I’m hearing is he’s giving up Harvard for me.

“I had this night planned out, Emily. We talk about the future. I’ll show you the house. And I swear you’ll love everything you hear.”

“Clearly not.”

“Trust me.”

I go back to my food and clear my plate. Talking to Alex right now doesn’t seem fun.

Before we head back to the dorms, Alex and I take a taxi toward Liam’s parents’ street. Alex holds my hand and squeezes it every few seconds, slowly making my annoyance with our conversation fade away. When the taxi comes to a stop, and I see the ‘for sale’ sign with ‘SOLD’ taking the place on top, I turn my head toward Alex with my mouth hanging open.

“This isn’t a house, this is a freaking mansion.”

Alex chuckles and nods. “It has ten bedrooms, ten baths, lots of space. Soph and Zach already agreed to move in once this year is over.” My eyes become the size of discs. They did what? Why does everyone know things before me?! Why do they keep all the secrets? Why are my friends so mean?! “Liam and Tyler would love to move in too. And McKenna kind of demanded a room for when she visits.”

“So me moving in…” It wouldn’t be something huge. It’d be the perfect amount of time to adjust to this life. Oh, this is so nice to hear. I like taking things slow. Moving in with someone is huge. Moving in with your friends…in a mansion…I’ll have my own space. Because you know, everyone needs their own space every once and a while.

“You can have your own room if you want. Just know that I’d love having you sleep in mine. All of us living here would be so cost efficient for everyone.”
Um, because we’re all poor? Who is he fooling?
“We’d have our own privacy yet still be with everyone. It’s where we’ll all live before we become real adults and buy places of our own.”

I take a deep breath and look out the window again, staring at the place where our futures will form.

“Liam’s mom is designing your music room,” Alex adds. “With your very own grand piano.” He knows what to say to get me thinking about this. But it’s all material things. I don’t need a music room or a piano. I just need a place where I’ll feel safe. I need a place where Alex wants to be instead of needs to be. “What do you say?”

This house, no this fortress, is calling my name and it’ll be a damn shame to turn it down.

I turn back towards Alex. “Promise me one thing.”

“Anything.”

“This is what you really want?” I question.

“More than anything.”

I close my eyes and squeeze his hand. “Promise me that once we graduate, you’ll think of every med-school out there and choose what is best for
you
. Promise me that I won’t cloud your judgment.”

Alex slides his hand up my arm and cups the side of my face, running his thumb up and down my cheek.

“I’m going to be wherever you are because there is no world I’d want to live in where you’re not right there with me. So, I can’t promise that you won’t cloud my judgment because you do, every second of ever hour. But I promise I’ll choose what is best for me.” He leans in and presses his lips against mine softly. “Starting with you.”