Sounds of Yesterday (20 page)

“He loves applesauce now,” Sallie tells me with a beaming smile. “He saw Scar eating it earlier this week and tried to get out of his chair to reach for it. It was the cutest thing!”

Scarlett feeds her brother the spoon of applesauce then looks back. She starts giggling so I look over at Alex. He’s making faces at her. Or at Lawrence. I can’t really tell.

“So, Alex, do you prefer plain, blueberries, or chocolate chips in your pancakes?” Sallie asks, heading over to the kitchen counter. “I have the batter ready so decide quick.”

“Do you mind if I do them?” he offers. “You two sit and chat.”

Sallie looks at me and mouths
is he for real?
I guess so.

“I just miss cooking on a stove, you know?”

Sallie and I stare at Alex in silence. Who is this man and why can’t there be more of him out there?

“Well,” Sallie clasps her hands together and walks over to Lawrence’s high chair. “Have at it then! Can I have blueberries in mine? Two handfuls. No, you have large hands.” She stares at his hands then quirks a brow at me and wiggles them both.
Ohmygod.
“One handful will do. Thank you.”

Alex starts up the stove and gets to work on the pancakes for everyone. He doesn’t even have to ask how I like mine; loaded up with blueberries and a dash of chocolate chips.

Michael joins us at the table but keeps quiet as he listens to every word the adults say.

We spend at least an hour and a half with the Rhodes’, the last twenty minutes are spent watching the kids as Sallie takes a shower. I’m holding Lawrence who is dead set on pulling my hair out from my roots, Scarlett is sitting between Alex and me, watching tv, and Michael is sitting on the floor, Sebastian glued to his hip as he stares Alex down. He’s more of an observer so he doesn’t answer any of Alex’s attempts at having a small chit-chat with a three-year-old.

It’s kind of funny to watch.

Michael finally holds out his hand and says, “Candy.” His eyes narrow and I have to admit it’s the cutest evil eye I’ve ever witnessed.

Alex looks at me like I have the answer for the very simple statement. He gulps.

“He’s giving me a look,” Alex murmurs.

“Because he wants candy,” Scar acknowledges, turning her head up to Alex.

“But I don’t have any,” Alex counters.

“Candy.”

“No,” Scar says in her I’m-the-older-sister-so-listen voice.

“Meanie!” Michael gets up and I shit you not, Alex looks ready to bolt because he thinks this tiny human is going to beat his ass. “Next time…bring candy,” he scolds, pointing his tiny finger at Alex.

“Yes, sir,” Alex blurts, looking relieved that his life was spared.

Michael turns to me with the same look.

“I have no candy but I’ve got kisses.” He loves kisses and tickles. If he warms up to you and you get his approval, you’re not a meanie.

He walks over to me and pushes his lips out as far as they can go. I sit up and peck his cheek. He does the same.

“How about me?” Alex asks me with a twinkle in his eyes. Of course he can get a kiss.

“No! You’re a meanie!” Michael shoots at him.

I die of laughter and so does Scarlett.

Michael doesn’t find it funny so he starts to cry.

Sallie is dressed and comes in to save the day a minute later.

When we leave, Alex and I laugh over how scared he is of Michael.

“They’re harmless. They just find ways to get what they want. You’re an easy target. Never give in.”

Alex looks at me from the corner of his eye. “Are you calling me a little bitch?”

“Yes.” I hug his arm and pat his bicep teasingly. He was just a new face so Michael tries his best. He almost got me to give him candy but I said it wasn’t happening and then I handed him some bread to throw at the pigeons at the park. “Don’t worry, I think once you’re a dad, you’ll overcome your fear of toddlers and their threats.”

We walk in silence for a bit before Alex speaks again. “How do you do it? Not give in to those faces?”

I chuckle and tell him the truth. “If you give a child everything they want, they’ll never know what it’s like not to have something.”

Alex sighs. “So that’s why I never had a Nintendo 64!”

I balk at this statement. “What?! You never had one! Declan and I lived off that thing growing up. Super Mario 64 was the shit!”

“Oh, sorry I wasn’t cool enough for one,” Alex teases. “Tyler, Liam, and I liked spending time at the park with our bikes.”

“Oh, I bet. You guys were just hoping the chicks you went to school with were watching you.”

Alex smirks. When he sees my eye roll he feels the need to continue my observation.

“They were all fake.” My ears perk up. “The girls at our school, starting from an early age, they were all fake. It’s what money does.”

I lace my fingers with his. “Well, their parents shouldn’t have gotten them their Disney Princess Wonderland Castle Playhouse and have their bedrooms all pink and shit.”

“You so wanted that, didn’t you?”

“Bite me.”

Mid terms are done, fall recess has officially begun, and it’s Zach’s birthday. He and Soph haven’t stopped talking about going home tonight to see their families for the rest of the week. Classes are back on Monday and just knowing that Alex is heading back to Boston with them depresses me. I’ll be alone for three days. I can’t wait for them to return on Sunday.

Alex mentioned me possibly going back home for a day or two but I quickly shot that down. I’m trying to stay as far from Boston as I can so I can’t/won’t make the trip. The day I left, I planned on never going back. I video chat with Mom and Declan all the time. It’s not the same as physically being there but it works.

“Ugh, I’m going to miss your stupid face!” Sophie bawls into my neck. She’s clinging to me like I’m going to fly away and never see her again. I’ll be in our dorm room until Monday. “Don’t watch Scandal without me. I’ll legit kill you.”

“I wasn’t planning on it,” I say. “Okay, now, let go. The taxi will leave you guys.”

Sophie sighs and detaches herself from me. She turns around and holds up a finger to the impatient taxi man. “I expect a song written for me when I get back. Put those fingers to work. Just kidding. Not really… No pressure. Don’t clean my side of the room. We can do it together on Sunday. And–”

“Soph.” She
hmm
’s and tilts her head. “Get in the taxi or I will start ugly crying.”

A small whine leaves her lips and she looks about ready to start crying.

“Come on, baby,” Zach chimes in, wrapping an arm around Sophie’s waist. “You’ll be okay.” He nods my way and steers Soph to the car. I already said goodbye to him. I knew Sophie was going to need a little push to move her feet.

Alex grabs my hand and pulls me into him, wrapping his arms around me tightly.

“Don’t have too much fun without me,” he murmurs into my hair.

“Trust me, I won’t.”

I tilt my head up, he looks down.

He cups my face and I blink away tears.

“Fuck, I don’t want to go,” he confesses, wiping away my stray tear. His eyes move over my face slowly. “I can stay. My mom and dad will–”

I shake my head and press my lips against his. “Go. They miss you.” He looks determined to cancel his flight so I add, “If you stay, I will never talk to you again.”

“You’re a terrible girlfriend.”

I smile. “Don’t feel guilty about leaving me. I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Promise?”

My eyes drift closed with the broken memories I have involving that one word.

“Promise.”

His lips find mine and it’s not enough time before I break away and walk him to the taxi.

All three sets of eyes are on me as the taxi driver puts the car in drive. Sophie pops out of the window and waves at me as they get farther and farther away.

I let my tears fall when they’re out of sight and I head back to my room.

I stare at my clock that reads 4:07pm and I throw myself into my bed. They should be in Boston before nine. I keep my phone on hand so I can talk to them until they take off in an hour and a half. When Alex sends me the last text before they have to turn off all electronics saying,
I already miss your big, beautiful baby blue eyes
, I snap a quick selfie and send it to him with the caption,
I’m right here with you, silly!
Even if I’m not sitting beside him, he’ll have that picture to look at in the meantime.

I grab my headphones and lose myself to music.

***

Spending so much time around people who make you happy make the minutes drag by slowly when they’re not here, keeping you company. Tyler and Liam are with their families. Liam is just five minutes away while Tyler’s back in Cali but I’m not going to intrude and tell him to come visit me so we can play music or something.

              Minutes turn into hours and I’ve stared at a mystery stain on the ceiling for so long that it’s morphed into different shapes a few times.

I have a headache, I can’t sleep, I can’t think.

I wish I still had my social media accounts so I can waste time stalking people but I deleted everything besides my Instagram account when I moved to Florida. My account is private and I follow my four followers. All four people are in the same city at the moment. None have posted any new pictures. Sigh.

I hear a new
Disclosure
song and I get all excited about sharing it that I turn around and call out Sophie’s name only to remember that she’s not here.

It’s already two in the morning and my piano loves all the attention it’s been getting so far. I’ve written up half a song that I think Sophie will love. I down a couple RedBulls and try to write up more music but it’s not working and I’m frustrated and the silence from Sophie’s room is driving me crazy so I try even harder to play something and then I’m stuck.

I sink into my chair and drop my head in my hands and I stare at the door, wishing Sophie would burst right in with her red hair and her energetic attitude.

The toilet flushes and I stand up abruptly.

I thought I was alone. I didn’t even think about our roommate, Jenn.

I’m a terrible person.

I hear giggles and then a male voice tells Jenn that she’s beautiful and that he missed her.

I drop back into my seat, throwing my headphones back on.

Another hour passes and I find myself in bed, staring at the ceiling stain again.

I grab my phone and call the one person who I know will be up this late. She said if I ever needed her, I could call her personal number and she’ll always listen.

My therapist answers in a chirpy voice and I tell her I feel alone. I tell her how I miss my family and how I want to visit but Zach’s house is on the same block and all the memories of that night are right there and I’m scared. I’m scared that all my progress will be for nothing and I’ll fall back into the dark hole and never come out again.

This is the first time I talk about the rape with her.

By four in the morning, I buy a plane ticket to Boston because of Christine’s encouraging words.

I grab a duffel bag and grab whatever I need and then I’m at the airport where my phone dies and leaves me with my wandering thoughts.

Around ten in the morning, the taxi stops in front of Mom’s house in Brookline. The sun is out, it’s almost seventy degrees and I miss the cold New England weather. I miss so much about my hometown and it’s sad. I don’t want to be so sad this early. I’m tired, so tired that I can sleep on the sidewalk but I keep walking. I grab my key and unlock the door and come face to face with Declan who looks like he just saw a ghost. He wipes his eyes and says my name and smiles like he’s witnessed a miracle.

I throw myself into his arms and say, “I missed you.”

I close my eyes for one second, two…

***

I wake up discombobulated in a room that I haven’t been in for months. I must be dreaming. But I remember calling Christine and then buying a plane ticket and holy fucking shit, this is real.

I sit up quickly, the room spinning around me.

              “Fuck.” I’m in Brookline.

I throw my legs over the side of my old bed and I stand. Everything is the way I left it only there are minimal changes. The clothes that were once scattered on the floor are gone. My dirty laundry must have been washed and put away. The curtains are open which I remember being closed the day I left. My desk is organized and Princeton’s acceptance letter is framed on the wall. The board with my collage of photos pinned to my wall near my bed has been moved a few feet from its original place to make up for all the room the new pictures of my family have taken up.

I turn around in circles and stop once I know this was all my doing. I got on the plane and I’m here. I did this to myself.

I find my phone on my nightstand, charging. I grab it and pull up Sophie’s name to send her a text but I find that I already sent a group text telling her, Zach, and Alex that I’ll be playing all day so I won’t be around to talk. Weird.

I check the texts from them before I sent the group text. Sophie’s spending today with her family and Zach will join them later tonight. Alex is –was– heading to Barcelona to visit his grandparents because of some kind of emergency. I try to call him but I get his voicemail.

How did I miss these texts and send one out?

It’s after six pm and I have no recollection of what I did once I stepped into this house.

How did I come upstairs?
I remember seeing Declan and then…nothing.

I walk towards my window and stare at the cars drive by on my street.

I grab the curtains and fling them closed.

One breath, two breaths.
I’ll be okay.

I walk out of my room and glance around, finding all the doors open. There is noise downstairs so I take the stairs and find Mom and Declan in the kitchen. Mom notices me first, her eyes bright and dancing. “Oh, honey, coming home from work to this surprise is the best! We missed having you here.” She takes three quick steps and envelops me in her warm, loving arms. She smothers me with kisses and questions and love.

I take a seat beside Declan when she shoves me into it and sets a plate of food for me.

Declan tells me about my memory lapse. I fell asleep on him so he brought me upstairs and plugged in my phone to see what on earth I was doing back in this city. He was about to call Sophie when she texted telling ‘me’ that she couldn’t wait to come back to see my stupid face. He decided not to tell her that I was back until I decided what to do when I woke up.

“Are you staying until Sunday morning?” Mom asks me, hopeful.

“I don’t know. I didn’t even want to come. I just…ended up here.”

Mom’s eyes turn down and I immediately add more because the thought of my mom thinking I’d rather not see her is heartbreaking.

“I missed you guys so much so I’m happy to be here.” I reach across the table and grab Mom’s hand, reassuring her. “Mom, I…I wasn’t thinking clearly is all I meant. I couldn’t sleep and one thing led to another.”

“Is school putting too much pressure on you? Is it your father? Honey, do you want to come back home next semester. I think some time off would–”

“Mom, Em is not taking a semester off just because you want her here,” Declan offers. He turns his baby blue eyes on me and rolls them. “How about you and me go out for a bit?”

“What about me?” Mom whines.

I chuckle as I walk over to her and hug her. “Mom, no offense but you’re smothering me with these questions. I need some time to think.” It’s Thursday night and she wants to know if I’ll stay for two and half more days. I don’t even know how I managed to survive here for a few hours.

Declan takes care of Mom as I grab some clean clothes and then we head out. We go to our favorite BBQ place ten minutes away on Boylston Street near Fenway. Declan does most of the talking, as always. He tells me about his new nine to five job, which I’m surprised he landed because I honestly thought he was going to stick to making YouTube videos of video games for the rest of his life. He has a large following and he’s a highly experienced game system player. He keeps everything secret until he feels the need to share with me.

“Who is this responsible man sitting in front of me?” It’s weird. When I left he was adamant of not having a job until he found what he was looking for.

“I’m thinking of co-writing a book,” he mentions, shrugging his shoulders.

“Declan!” A few people turn and look our way but I ignore them. My brother, who hates to read, wants to write a book. A book! “Tell me, tell me!”

He shakes his head and looks all shy and shit so I keep pressing him for information.

“Hear me out before you call me gay, alright?” He doesn’t give me time to blink before he adds,  “It’s a romance novel…” I don’t hear anything else after that because how can he think I’ll call him gay. Does he not know me?

“I would never. Dec, men who wrote romance novels get all the pussy.”

He dies of laughter when I say that with a straight face.

I join him.

“But seriously, that’s not something people should criticize. I’ve always wanted to read a romance novel written by a man. Will you be writing the male POV? And who is the co-author? Will you self-publish? OMG, will it be in Target and B&N?” I stare at my brother in awe. “You’ve grown so much, Declan.”

“Right, turning twenty-one made me start thinking of things.” He grows serious and tells me more about this book. It’s in the ‘not even an outline, it’s just a thought’ phase right now. He has no idea where it’ll go; he’s just excited that it’ll happen some day.

“And to answer your earlier question, it’s McKenna.”

“McKenna?” I lick some barbeque off my finger and tilt my head in confusion. “McKenna who?”

“Alex’s sister.”

The world comes to a halt and I’m thrown across the room before I land on my feet. He keeps in touch with her? I didn’t even know they spoke. When I was in high school, she only visited during her breaks. I never brought Declan with me when I was at their house.