Sound Proof (Save Me #5) (6 page)

I couldn’t ask for anyone better than him to help me get through all this. I didn’t even have to ask. It’s like he knew when I needed something and sprang into action. It didn’t matter if I needed help with the girls, or someone to give me five minutes of adult conversation that didn’t have anything to do with a case or Max. He gave it to me. There is no possible way for me to thank him for everything he has done for me.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” he finally asks.

Biting my lip, I stare into his dark brown eyes while I continue to try and figure out what to say.

“You’re going back to him aren’t you?”

My eyes widen as I shake my head. “No,” I finally say. “I can’t go back. That’s the thing, AJ. I can’t go back, but if I stay here I don’t think I can stay away for long.”

“What does that mean? If you stay?”

The confusion is written all over his face and it’s killing me. I never thought that saying goodbye—even knowing it is temporary—would hurt more than finding Max cheating and asking for a divorce. As soon as I open my mouth, the confusion turns to hurt, but he quickly masks it.

“He’s going to wear me down if I stay. He was close to doing it today when I talked with him. If I don’t leave, at least until I get my head on straight, I’ll end up back there. I can’t do that, AJ. I can’t cave and go back. I won’t teach the girls that a guy can do anything he wants and hurt them with no consequences.”

My eyes drop to his lips as he speaks. “You don’t have to, Payton. I’m right here to help with whatever you need. You know I’m not going to let you get hurt if I can help it.”

Reaching over, I cover his hand with mine. How is it that someone that is known to the world to be such a manwhore can be so sweet and put all of his time and energy into us three for so long?

“This is something I need to do by myself. I can’t have someone else pushing me, or I won’t know when I’m strong enough to come back and deal with everything on a daily basis. He’s always going to be around and I need to be able to handle that by myself because I’m not always going to have someone around to fight my battles for me. I can’t.”

“So you’re going to leave?” His eyebrows draw together as he studies me carefully.

I nod, swallowing around the lump in my throat. “For a while. Just until I can stand on my own two feet. I’m going to take some time off work and focus on the girls and myself so I can be strong for them.”

“You don’t know how long?”

Payton shakes her head and the tears that have been sitting in her eyes finally fall free. “As long as it takes, but hopefully not long.”

I reach across the table and wipe the tears off her face, trying hard to ignore the ache in my chest that I’m not used to. “How can you leave with the girls? Max and Liam are OK with that?”

“Max told me to take as much time as I needed. Which is weird, but I’m going to take advantage of it. And Liam travels anyway, so he said he could go to wherever we end up until we come back here.”

I realize if I don’t do something other than look at her, I’m going to lose it. I don’t get attached to women other than the ones I consider family, and now that I am, she’s leaving. This is why I don’t do this shit. Grabbing one of Sage’s crayons that got left off the table, I begin to color in the picture in front of me.

I roll the crayon between my fingers and wait until she’s looking at me. “So, there’s nothing I can do?” She shakes her head, but remains silent. I let the quiet surround me for a few minutes and continue to color until I can’t handle it anymore. I have no clue how Payton handles silence all day every day. “Are you sure you have to do this?”

“I don’t know what else to do,” Payton whispers as she begins picking up the rest of the mess on the kitchen table. She looks at me like she’s hoping I hold all the answers. I don’t, though, so I do the only thing I can think of to make her laugh. I make her sit back down before grabbing another crayon and draw her a crude stick figure rendition of what I would like to be doing to her. Across the top I write “friends with benefits” in bright red.

Her face turns almost the same color as the crayon but she bursts out laughing. That’s all I wanted. I needed to hear her laugh when I know all she wants to do is cry. When she finally catches her breath she grabs the blue and writes “perv” on the bottom of the page. This continues for a few minutes before she grabs the paper, folds it, and stuffs it in her back pocket.

“My kid’s crayons are tainted now.”

“I’ll buy new ones if we can keep going…” I stand up but trail off when Willow appears in the doorway. She doesn’t say anything, just walks by us and out the front door. Neither one of us say anything to her. I tap Payton lightly on the shoulder and wait for her to turn back around. “Sooner or later, everything will be OK. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it will be.”

“I don’t want you to be upset with me because I’m leaving.”

“As long as I know you’re coming back I’ll survive. It will be hard, but as long as you’re getting what you need, that’s all that matters. I get that you have to be strong alone before you can be strong with anyone else.”

Leaning up on her toes, she kisses me on the cheek before turning around to start doing dishes. “It’s hard to show your kids how to be strong when everything is falling apart.”

I know she’s about to lose it so I decide to leave her alone and go, but before I do I grab the crayon and write her a note. I squeeze her shoulder, kiss the top of her head, and set the note down on the window in front of the sink before leaving.

Even at your weakest, you’re the strongest person I know
.

“So she’s leaving?” Abby asks, tossing the dish rag in her hands to the counter.

“Yep.” I nod, taking another swig off the beer she set in front of me. I didn’t even have to say anything to her before she knew something was wrong and told me to sit down. After shooing Izzy and Sophia from the kitchen she finally got me to open up and tell her what was going on.

“No clue how long?”

“Nope,” I manage to force out. “She said something about talking to you tomorrow after she talks to the girls.”

It’s hard to even talk about it. Even harder with Abby. I know I shouldn’t gripe to her about missing people when I know I will see them again since she doesn’t have that chance, but I can’t help it. She’s always been the person I went to with my problems and never once has she thrown it back in my face. When she starts to open her mouth, Zander runs into the kitchen with a backpack slung over his shoulder and a pillow.

“Mum!” he yells. He heads for her until he notices that I’m in the room and veers off to tackle hug me. “Uncle AJ!”

“Hey, bud.” I rub my hand through his hair, making him giggle. It suddenly hits me that not only am I losing Payton when she leaves, but Sage and Willow too. Fuck.

Yeah, this is why I don’t like getting attached.

“What’s wrong?” He glances at Abby before dropping his stuff and squishing my face between his hands. “No cryin’ allowed, mister.”

I raise an eyebrow and try not to laugh. The good thing about having this many people around that love you, is that it doesn’t take long for a bad mood to be gone, even if it’s only for a minute.

“Do you see tears in my eyes, little boy?”

Pursing his lips, he looks carefully between my eyes before dropping his hands and slapping them against the table. “OK.” He nods slowly. “You’re safe… for now.”

Abby manages to get his attention back on her and asks him what he wants. The tough guy act falls as he sucks up to her shamelessly. So young and he already knows how to play everyone to get what he wants. I bite my lip to keep from calling him out on it.

“Backpack and pillow?” she asks, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Can I go to Quinn’s?” he asks.

I stay quiet while they banter back and forth as Abby makes sure that it’s actually OK for him to go and he’s not going to simply show up out of the blue, my mood drops again. Why is it that when I finally find someone that I can see myself with for more than a night, she’s married? Then when she’s not, she leaves? Why couldn’t I stay happy with a different girl every night?

“Because you grew up,” Abby says, making my attention snap back to her. At some point while I was zoned out, Zander left, leaving Abby and I alone again.

“What?”

“You asked why you couldn’t stay happy with a different girl every night. The answer, AJ, is because you grew up. We all did. The things that used to make us happy changed.”

“Evolution,” I mumble.

She nods. “Welcome to the real world.”

I nod. I hadn’t realized that I had said the question out loud, but now I’m glad I did. Switching subjects, I try to get my head on straight. I’ll be no good to anyone the way I’m feeling now.

“So… Zander has a woman already?”

Abby laughs, dropping into the seat across from me. “Yeah. I guess so. He spends more time at her house than he does here. He says it’s because they have race cars and her dad and brother are teaching him stuff. I say it’s because of that
and
the fact that he likes Quinn. Either way is fine with me. She’s sweet and I know she won’t use him to get anywhere when she’s older since she’ll probably end up behind the wheel like her father. But ask me how I feel about it again in fifteen years.”

“I guess that’s something I won’t have to worry about on my end.”

“You will, just give it time,” she reassures.

“Ever wonder what they’re going to be? Being the kid of Abby and Jameson is going to be hard.”

“Is it weird that I don’t want them to follow in my footsteps? I don’t want them constantly compared to me and I don’t want them to feel like they need to grow up and be us. Izzy I’m not worried about because she wants to follow Alex and work the label. Zander, I doubt will want anything to do with it, especially with the amount of time he spends with Quinn’s family. He’ll probably end up doing something completely outside the music industry. But Sophia...fuck. Sophia is going to be the one to kill me.”

“Aw, is she going to be a pain in the ass like her mother was. Never happy unless she got what she wanted?”

“Fuck you.” Abby sighs, taking a drink of the tea in front of her. “Is this really what you wanna talk about? What my kids are gonna do when they grow up?”

How do I answer that? I want to talk about those things because they occupy my mind so I’m not thinking about Payton and the girls. At the same time, I don’t walk to talk about anything because I want to wallow in self-pity over losing something that wasn’t even mine to begin with.

Why do I want something so bad that I’m never going to have?

“Where’s the birthday boy?” I yell over the sound of screaming kids. Lifting the obnoxiously bright-orange wrapped box above my head, I begin my search. Before I make a full sweep of the yard, Zander barrels into my legs.

“What’s in the box?” he asks, trying to climb my body.

“Is that how you say hello, Zander?” Jameson asks, pulling him off my legs by the waist of his pants. He lifts him higher so he’s eye level with me.

“Hi, it’s my birthday. That means that box is mine, right? So what’s in the box, Uncle AJ?”

Staring him down, I attempt to keep my face straight. “Manner lessons,” I deadpan.

“Aw, nuggets.”

Jameson drops him and he immediately takes off to rejoin the rest of the kids, forgetting about the box above my head. I lower the box and head over to drop it with the rest of the presents.

“One day out of the entire year and the kid forgets we taught him manners.” Jameson chuckles, motioning for me to follow him. “The adults are over here.”

I drop down in a chair next to Tuesday in front of the pool and grab a drink from the coolers between the chairs. Sadly, since this is a children’s party, it isn’t alcoholic. It’s been just about six months since I’ve laid eyes on Payton. It’s killed me, and done absolutely nothing to make the feelings I have for her lessen. I’m essentially pussy-whipped without the pussy.

“I still can’t get used to seeing you with no dreads.” Jason shakes his head as he walks past me, rubbing his hand over the top of my head.