Sound of the Tide (4 page)

F
EELINGS OF
G
UILT

November

M
y eyes were staring at the plateful of pancakes in front of me, and whatever words were floating my way went in one ear and out the other. Catherine had been talking ever since I emptied my overflowing mailbox and accidentally ran into her. Without mercy she had abducted me into her empire, forcing me to sit down in front of a breakfast that could have easily fed a family of six. She had put eggs, pancakes with maple syrup, fruit salad with a Greek yogurt dressing, and a giant mug of hot chocolate in front of me like an obstacle course, and she was standing behind me like a drill sergeant, determined not to let me give up.

The kitchen clock against the floral wallpaper showed me that it had been over an hour since I submitted to her authority, and she had not stopped laying into me for even one second.

I rolled up one of the pancakes and bit into the end with the syrup dripping out, meanwhile taking slow and deliberate breaths. I was trying to achieve a level of meditative calm so I could filter Cat out.

“—and Jenna’s been trying to reach you for days. She said you missed yet another checkup with Dr. Travis.”

Good Lord! I rolled my eyes. Apparently meditation wasn’t my strong suit because I could still hear her loud and clear. And if my best friend, Jenna, of all people, was ratting me out to the old bag—no spiritual practice was going to cut it.

Not only had Jenna been my friend ever since we were kids, but until Daniel died we had worked together at the local hospital. Which was unfortunately how she had caught wind of my blowing off my doctor’s appointments. Dammit! Didn’t she understand that I wasn’t ready to face the world again?

“It’s just that we’re worried about you!” complained Catherine. “You don’t let anyone get close anymore. Not even Jenna. Piper, you can’t go on like this. Stop letting yourself go!”

Why, oh why, did she always find a reason to nag? Couldn’t she just stay out of it for once? I really wasn’t in the mood to listen to this!

I gulped down the last bite of pancake, got up, and placed my hands on the table. My eyes must have been speaking volumes, because Cat cringed.

“You—” I snarled. “Oh, bite me! You’re not going through what I’m going through! None of you have any idea that I’m falling into a goddamn bottomless pit! You’re sitting here talking about me and how irresponsible I’m being—but guess what? I know that myself. I’m pregnant with a dead man’s child, and I have no idea whether that child is going to save me or be the death of me! Tell me one thing, Cat, because you always seem to know everything: How can I look at this child and love it without being reminded every single day of how much I miss Daniel? How much I
loved
him?”

I was screaming. Lord, I was screaming so loud that my throat hurt.

Catherine had turned pale. She was pressing her already thin lips tightly together, and her posture was rigid.

“You are not the only person who’s grieving!” she barked back at me. “You don’t have some exclusive right to mourn Daniel’s death. He was my
son
, and I loved him at least as much as you loved him. Nobody is going to bring him back to me. Instead, I have to stand back and watch you descend into selfish self-pity and see you jeopardize the health and well-being of the only grandchild I’m ever going to have!”

We stood facing one another across the table, like two tigers competing for territory.

“How dare you?” My whole body trembled, and my head pounded like someone had pierced my skull with a nail gun. “It’s none of your goddamn business what I—”

“Enough!”

Marcus had come in without either of us seeing him. He grabbed me by the shoulders and turned me around to face him. He looked me deep in the eye before wrapping his arms tightly around me and pulling me against his chest.

“Calm down, Piper! Calm down!” He gently rubbed my back. “And you, Cat, sit down and leave the child alone!”

I held onto Daniel’s dad as if there were no tomorrow, and sobbed. Still shivering, I allowed him to lead me up to Daniel’s apartment. Allowed him to take me into the living room where my comforter and pillow were still lying on the sofa. I just couldn’t bring myself to sleep in the big bed by myself.

“Sit, Piper, and don’t worry about what Cat said. She didn’t mean it.”

He looked over to the drawn curtains but made no move to get up and open them. Instead, he disappeared into the kitchen and rummaged through the cupboards. I heard the clatter of silverware.

“You’re not trying to fatten me up, too?” I called and lay down on the couch, completely exhausted.

“No, no!”

I pulled the comforter up to my chin and closed my eyes. With the sounds coming from the kitchen it was almost as if Daniel were back. How many times had he made me a sandwich in the evenings so that I had something to snack on during our TV nights? Like on our
Criminal Minds
Thursdays.

“Quick, Daniel, hurry up! The show’s starting.”

“Be right there, babe. Do you want a pickle with that?”

“Jesus, Daniel, this woman is having her head chopped off! Screw the pickle and come here—I’m scared!”

With two sandwiches piled on a plate and a bottle of beer under his arm he squeezed onto the sofa beside me.

“I’m here, babe, don’t be scared. Nothing’s gonna happen!” A kiss on my nose calmed my strained nerves, and I reached for the food.

When the mournful sound of a violin announced the death of the blonde actress, I forgot to chew. But Daniel’s secret honey mustard sauce grounded me in the here and now, and when the villain, all dressed in black, appeared from behind the trees, I only squeezed my eyes shut instead of peeing my pants.

“He’s pulling out a knife, and she starts to run away. So she stumbles—” Daniel started narrating, as he always did when I couldn’t bring myself to look at the horrible scenes on the TV screen.

The wet sound of blood splattering and a high-pitched scream that suddenly died kept the movie running inside my head.

“Okay, he’s got her,” he said, confirming what I already suspected, and I finally opened my eyes.

“I love our
Criminal Minds
Thursdays,” I whispered, cuddling deeper into his arms.

“You’re such a chicken!” He kissed me on the temple and muted the sound. “Do you want to change channels?”

I shook my head and snuggled even closer. “No, silly! Just hold me tight, and I’ll be fine.”

“We don’t want our baby to get an adrenaline rush.”

His hand wandered down to my belly, and I giggled when our offspring’s tiny movements stopped dead, as they always did.

“I think you scared it,” I said, innocently shrugging my shoulders.

Daniel shook his head. “No, that little monkey is just messing with me.”

He unbuttoned the shirt I had swiped from his closet because it was so comfortable around my baby bump and kissed my naked belly. “Let’s see if it likes me a little better if Mommy gets a nice, big endorphin rush.”

“Unbelievable!” I called in mock outrage. “You’re not already trying to train our unborn child by offering it rewards?”

He slipped the shirt off my shoulders, and his tongue traced a hot outline around my belly button.

“Oh, I am, babe. I am!”

“Piper?”

I gave a start and blinked my eyes. It was Marcus.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to sleep. I made you some tea, but
. . .
”

I attempted to smile but felt like crying because he had yanked me from my lovely dream.

“Thanks, Marcus.”

He sat down beside me and smoothed the comforter, then pointedly placed on it a letter about Daniel’s life insurance payout. I wouldn’t touch that letter with a ten-foot pole.
Blood money
was the thought throbbing in my mind, and I tried to get rid of the bitter taste in my mouth by taking a drink of hot tea.

“Can I help you in any way, Piper?” he asked, a certain sheen in his eyes. Mourning his only son had left deep lines on his face, too. He had aged years these past few weeks.

I pressed his hand, maybe to give comfort, maybe to receive it.

“I can’t stay here, Marcus,” I said helplessly, and I could feel myself tearing up again. “I can’t sleep because the be
d . . .
Daniel’s sid
e . . .
I just can’t. I can’t live here among his things and stumble over them with every step I take. But I don’t want to get over him either. I can’t just put away his comforter and his pillow and pretend I don’t miss him.”

Marcus understood. His eyes told me that he felt the same way. “So, what do you want to do?”

I swallowed and sipped my tea as I tried to organize my thoughts and calm my nerves. I didn’t have the faintest idea what I wanted to do. I wanted Daniel back, but that was out of the question.

“I could go back to my parent
s . . .
”

After my dad retired, my parents moved to Florida. They had offered their help, and I knew I could always move in with them, but I didn’t want to. Leaving here would feel like running away, and I strongly suspected that I could only go on living if I faced my destiny rather than running away from it.

I shrugged my shoulders.

“Or I could move into the house.”

“You can’t live in the house yet, Piper. You don’t even have hot water,” Marcus objected with a frown, but the longer I thought about it, the more I liked the idea.

“I could have someone take care of that. Shouldn’t take longer than a few days,” I said, pondering out loud and gnawing on my fingernails. Suddenly feeling enthusiastic about the whole thing, I sat up. “And I’ll give Jenna a call. I’m sure she can give me a hand painting the walls. Besides, I don’t need much.”

“America’s Sweetheart doing home improvement? Are you sure?” he asked, sounding skeptical.

True, Jenna was a bit of a princess. Her parents took her to beauty pageants when she was little—and she usually won. With her pretty nose, golden hair, and big smile, she was exactly what a perfect girl next door should look like. But for once in her life she might use her pretty, manicured hands to help me paint the damn house.

With my eyes begging him to understand, I looked at Marcus. I needed to get out of this apartment. It had nothing to do with him, and it wasn’t just my showdown with Cat. It was my own feelings of guilt. I would never forget the look in Cat’s eyes when she asked why Daniel was working at the house so late the day of the accident.

“Hey, babe!” Daniel wiped his hands on a rag and came over to me.

“How far did you get?” he asked, wrapping his arms around me from behind. I lifted the tape dispenser and pointed at the window with it.

“That one right there is the only one left, and then everything is taped up. Then we’re good to go.”

He rested his chin on my shoulder and stroked my belly.

“Are you sure you guys want to do this by yourselves tomorrow? I don’t want you to work so hard, you know.”

It was sweet of him to worry, but Jenna and I would get the room painted in no time.

“No, silly, it’ll be child’s play. We’ll start nice and easy, maybe get a pizza delivered at lunchtime. By the time you get off work tomorrow, everything will be finished.” I turned around to face him, and the look in his gray eyes made my knees turn to jelly. “Then we can take the evening off. What do you say?”