Sometimes Love Hurts (8 page)

Chapter Seventeen

Forgiven

Natalie’s Journal

Lisa, I had the date with your father and I wanted the truth from him.  I needed to know if he was in love with me or the other woman.  I also needed to know why he strayed no matter how bad it would hurt.

Lisa, life is series of miracles - that is if you look at it with the right perspective.  When your father picked me up, my heart leapt in my chest just like it used to do.  I know.  It was hard for me to believe too.  His soft brown eyes twinkled.  He kissed me on the cheek before opening the car door for me.  He drove us to downtown Chicago in silence, which I didn’t mind at all.  I still wasn’t sure how I was going to talk to him or what I would say.  He took me to the beach where we took off our shoes and walked along the sand.

I went back in time to the first time I came here with your father. We were strangers and just learning about each other. We seemed to have a lot to say back then, we laughed while our feet walked in the sand with the cold water hitting them, and our hands swinging back and forth with our fingers entwined.

But now the only sounds I heard were the sea gulls and waves. There was no laughter, and I was getting nervous before he finally looked at me with sad eyes and asked if he could explain.  I nodded and told myself to remain quiet until he finished.  I needed to hear what he had to say.

“Do you remember when you were pregnant the first time?” Michael began.  “We didn’t really plan on a baby, but that was a part of us and I accepted it.  I was happy especially to see you happy.  And we made this child; it was a part of you and me.  And Lisa was such a beautiful baby girl that I felt blessed.  I loved her so much.  You wanted to be a stay home mother so I agreed, and I tried to figure out how I was going keep up with the budget I made.  It was tight paying the bills while putting money aside for our future.  Our everyday budget increased with diapers and clothes every time she grew.  I kept those thoughts in my head.  I did not complain. It was all a part of our life.   You were such a good mother, and so happy taking care of her.” 

He stopped walking and plopped down in the sand facing the water.  I followed his lead. His eyes looked forward at the water as he continued.

“Then you got pregnant again,” he sighed.  “I became overwhelmed with thoughts of how we would pay our bills with another mouth to feed.  I know I might have been hard to get along with, but I felt so distressed and did not want to share my concerns with you.  I did not want to upset you because you were so happy while you were pregnant, and your face just glowed.   The night you lost the baby, I didn’t know what to do.  You were in so much pain and I was dumfounded, unable to ease your suffering.  I saw your face when they wheeled you away to the operating room.  You were crushed, crying, and I felt lost. I am the man of the family and I am supposed to keep you from harm, to always take care of you. I did not know how to fix this. When you lost the baby, you went into a different world while I was devastated.  I felt that I lost you and the new baby.  I could not relate to who you were, or how you were acting.  And I certainly did not understand why you cried all the time and acted so mean to me.  Maybe you didn’t see it, but I sure felt it.  I thought you were blaming me for the miscarriage.” 

Michael took a deep breath and wiped a tear before he continued. I could see the pain in your dad’s face.  

“You quit talking to me and I really did not want to come home anymore,” he said, his body jerking.  “I started going out after work with some of the employees to a bar just down the street. I didn’t drink much, but I did have a couple of beers with the rest of them.  That was just a little getaway from reality.  I needed it to get away from my existence as I knew it, and you.” 

I could see your dad’s eyebrows dip down over his nose as he went on.

“This girl would come around our table and always said hi to me.  Natalie, she reminded me of you when we were younger – a time when you were so full of life and happy.  One time when the mood was right and a song came on that she liked to dance to, she walked up to me and undid a couple of buttons on the top of my shirt.  Using her fingers, she rubbed my chest and asked, ‘Do you know what it’s like to make love to a lonely woman?’  After that I just could not stop thinking about her.”

At that point, I could not look at him.  I sat down and turned my face the opposite way so he couldn’t see my eyes.  I was even more devastated wondering why I wanted to put myself through that.  Maybe it was a mistake being there with him.  The tears began to swell in the back of my eyes and I kept blinking to try to stop them.  Of course, your father noticed.  He softly swept my hair back behind my ear.  Just for a moment, I thought I saw the man I knew a long time ago.  He took his hand and found mine giving it a quick squeeze.  Then he let it go and continued. 

“I would come home and go straight to bed without talking to you,” Michael said.  “I had to because the guilt was eating me up.  At the same time, shamefully, I looked forward to going to the bar to see her.  Then it just happened the weekend you went to your mother’s house.  She danced around me, playing with my hair and sort of invited herself over. I was caught in this web of deceit and darkness, and I let it take control.”

Your father looked at me with such anguish in his eyes.

“I do not expect you to ever forgive me.  I can’t even forgive myself for what I’ve done.”

He finally stopped talking and we just sat in silence.

Lisa, what could I do?  Your father was asking me for forgiveness.  He looked so helpless.  His eyes were talking to me letting me know how ashamed he was of himself.  The talk with Pastor Clem echoed in my head.  What he said about forgiving and how I could be an example for God, and the fact that I was still so much in love with your father. 

“You’re forgiven, Michael,” I said finally.

Tears fell down both of our cheeks and his hug was inviting.  We did not talk, but we walked holding hands with our feet in the cold water.  I’m sure both of us were busy thinking of the future.  Where would we go from there?  I’m not sure what was in your dad’s head, but I did know what was in mine.  I knew this would be the hardest thing I ever had to do.  Part of me still hurt due to the fact that he was so disloyal.  I wasn’t sure I could sleep in the same bed as him again.  However, I knew I had to watch my tongue and not say anything to hurt him back.  That was not love.  At that moment, a verse stumbled into my brain. I had received a letter from Pastor Clem that contained it. 

“Love never fails; but where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” 

I silently prayed that this entire affair would soon pass and be forgotten.  Lisa, remember that bad stuff happens sometimes.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a good person or bad.  Also remember, Lisa, you have to move on.  You have to pick up your head, stare at something beautiful like the sky or the lake, and move on enjoying the gift of life that God gave you.  I had to find it in my heart to forgive your father, or feel like a failure at our marriage.

Lisa sat on her mother’s bed with tears running down her face.  She wasn’t sure what she felt.  Part of her was hurt, part of her was happy that he apologized, and part of her was confused.  What would she do if that happened to her?   The journal was so hard to read, and had so many unexpected surprises about her parents.  She was angry with herself and ran to the closet.  She picked up her father’s clothes and carefully placing them back on the hangers.  Yes, if her mother and grandparents could forgive him, so could she.  As she was doing this, she took one of his shirts, and shut her eyes tight. Then she hugged herself with both arms around the material.  Lisa could feel her father kiss her on the head telling her that he loved her so much. 

She needed a break from the journal with so much yet to do around the house.  It had to be cleaned, out and she needed to get back to school.  Going through the bathrooms, she pulled out a garbage bag and started throwing out old or used toiletries.  Dad’s Old Spice came in soap, deodorant and aftershave.  Mom had lots of little perfumes from France that seemed to be opened and not used up.  There were open deodorants and toothpaste tubes squeezed in the middle just sitting in the mirror cabinet that needed to be thrown away.  Boxes in the closet of nail polish that seemed dried out, half full nail polish remover, a bag of cotton balls, along with eye liner with only a little bit of the pencil left, and blush which was almost gone.  Cans half full of hairspray, hairbrushes, and a box of Miss Clairol.  It did not take long to wipe it out clean before she tackled the toilet and bathtub. 

Lisa liked being busy, but did not really enjoy that particular job.  It felt so final, like she was getting rid of her mother and her father.  Shaking her head, she reminded herself that they had gone to heaven, and she had a couple of more bathrooms to clean.

Chapter Eighteen
Thoughts of Home

Present Day - Crystal
 

The afternoon sun fell out of the sky, and before she knew it evening came.  Lisa and Crystal made dinner together and when Joey came home, the three of them said prayers. After eating, they cleaned the dishes, and Crystal decided to take a walk around the block.  Memories of growing up bombarded her and a smile formed on her face.  Then Blake’s face appeared in her head.  Man how she missed him and the romance they used to share.  Two people can love a lifetime if they also love themselves, and are ready to give love to another person.  She prayed to God when she met Blake that if he was the one for her to give her a sign.  She felt so sure that God meant for the two of them to spend their lives together.  Then more than ever, she believed that God meant for them to be a family or why would she be pregnant?

Crystal recalled her last birthday when Blake sent her a text asking her not make dinner because he planned to take her out for the evening.  He came home from work and instead of just walking in, he knocked on the door so she had to open it.  When she did, he was holding a beautiful bouquet of roses.  After she let him in with a swift kiss, she put the flowers in water and Blake told her they could not compare to her beauty. 

They went to her favorite restaurant and after eating, the waitresses sang happy birthday to her.  Then, Blake pulled out a present wrapped in gold paper with red hearts and a bright red ribbon.  She could not have loved him any more than at that moment.  She unwrapped the gift and inside she found a silver locket on a tiny silver chain. 

He was so good to me
, she thought.

Her hand went to her neck wrapping the locket around it. 
Maybe their problems were caused a little bit by both of them
, she thought.
Maybe I’m not being supportive to his feelings like I was when we were first married.

Crystal knew she had been irritable lately because she felt so fat and ugly.  It was getting hard hauling a big belly around all the time without a break.  She wanted to sleep on her belly again, just once so she could really get a good night’s sleep.  Plus, she missed looking down and seeing her feet.  Sometimes the baby just kicked in the most uncomfortable places and at the most inconvenient times.  And sex at the moment was not even close to something she wanted to consider.

She did look for magazine articles on having sex while pregnant, and was pleasantly surprised to find that it was normal to not want sex while pregnant.  She read this was only temporary – that sick, tired, and just blah feeling. She definitely didn’t feel desirable.  She yearned to feel the way she did when they were first married, and how they clung onto each other every night.   She thought back to a couple months earlier when he started working later. Perhaps she could have changed her schedule, and maybe had dinner later in the evening to be with him. She really never told him how she felt, and never really asked to sit and have him talk to her. She also read that a sexless marriage can cause a man to become dejected and resentful.
Was she doing this to her husband?
 

But then her mind returned to the laundry, and the lipstick she found on his shirt.  She thought of the story her mother told about her grandparents, and decided to give Blake a chance to explain as well.  Quickly, she pulled out her phone and sent him a text.

That evening, Crystal and her mother cuddled together and opened the journal again.

Chapter Nineteen
                                        
 
Believing in Miracles

Natalie’s Journal

Your father came home a week later with a rose in his hand.  He told me he loved me more than life itself, and wrote me this poem. He called it, The Only Thing That Frightens Me.  

                       
There are a thousand ways to die in this world can’t you see;

creepy and painful almost turns out to be–

I could fall from a plane, whoops!   No chute for me, or I could swim in the ocean and BE dinner you see.

I could drive on the highway; a head-on’s a bad deal, or I could go on safari and wind up THE meal.

I could run with the bulls but slip and get trampled, or I could clog up my arteries from eating too many samples.

I could go out jogging and run into a killer, or I could just sit in my chair and guzzle another Miller.

I could learn how to fly but my plane just might crash, or I could go to the zoo and get run over by a giraffe.

I could shovel the snow in the dead of winter, and wind up a stiff from eating way too much dinner.

But of all the things that scare me the most, I swear this Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

It’s something beyond what this earth can deliver; I try not to think of it because it makes me shiver.

It’s living one minute of life without you; I hope you can see; I would die without you, my love, my Natalie.

Agape Love,

Michael

Lisa reread the poem over and over again and she felt a shiver vibrate through her.  Then her knees became weak as she relived the wonderful feeling to know how her parents got back together.  Some of it seemed romantic as she tried to imagine her father reading the poem and handing her mother the roses. 

It was a very hard year for the both of us.  There were days when I was in tears, and days we yelled at each other. There were days I just acted mean to your father, not on purpose.  And it took some time to be intimate with him again.  I’m sure it was the same for him too, because of the guilt he was still harboring.  Thank heavens we had you.  Whenever we felt down or our mood dimmed, we focused on you. 

I was human and sometimes thoughts of the other woman entered my mind making me irritable and hard to live with.  But you were made by our love for each other, and that always brought me back to the reality that I wanted our marriage to work.  I was not going to give up on him, Lisa. He was a good person with so much love to give.  Our marriage might have been scuffed, marked and damaged, but it was not shattered.  It was repairable.  And I thank God for this; I was still so much in love with him.  I had always been a fighter, so I planned on conquering and saving our marriage.  Thankfully, I knew your father wanted the same thing.