Sometimes Love Hurts (9 page)

Chapter Twenty

Happy Memories

Natalie’s Journal

Time went on, and you had been our main focus.  We decided that we needed to keep having date nights to spend quality time together, so once a week the grandparents took turns taking you for the night.  It seemed that since I lost my last baby, I could not have any more children.  I became fine with that.  I even got out of the notion that I was being punished.  I
figure out that when I died, I would see your brother again.

We were busy as you got into softball, and your dad became your coach.  It was so much fun with your swimming and skating lessons, and just watching you grow up.  Your father and I grew closer together – a lot closer than we had ever been before, as if something was telling us that it was our last chance for love.  Since you only live once, you give it all you’ve got.  I thought of our vows – ‘for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.’  We made a commitment in front of God and family, and we were determined to keep it. 

We went out of our way for each other never forgetting even little phrases like please and thank you. And we said I love you to each other all the time.  We sent each other cards in the mail, or took turns rubbing each other’s back.  It seemed to me that while the world kept growing people were too busy, and some of those simple gestures of love got lost and pushed away like the dust on a fan.  We did not want to take each other for granted.  We were happy with the choice we made, and were determined to make it work.  So there you have it, Lisa.  Life went on. You grew, and we watched you grow. We played with you, and well, we were The Three Musketeers
–
the only thing that mattered in life.  I know you felt the love we had for you, and I think you felt the love we had for each other.

When you started school I was not really sure that I liked the idea of you being gone all day, so I volunteered there.  That way, I had something to do and was still a part of your life.  I knew your teachers, and they kept me updated on your progress.  You were so smart in school. Your dad and I were very proud.  Your dad helped you with a science project in the sixth grade, and you guys made a volcano.  Do you remember? 

We had so much fun with Halloween every year.  You were a clown, Raggedy Ann, and Mickey Mouse just to name a few.  I had a wonderful time making your costumes.  How you loved to go trick to treating!

For Christmas each year we got a real tree.  Your father and you would look for the perfect tree
together.  We had great fun making paper decorations with glitter.  Sometimes, you and I went to the woods to look for acorns.  We washed them off and put glitter on them for the tree too.  You loved the tinsel, even though I hated how it fell off when it was time to take the tree down.  One of our favorite traditions was making sugar cookies.  You ate more of the M & Ms than you put on the cookies!

I noticed that as time went on, and as we were busy putting our attention on you and being a family, the devastation from our past became less and less until it eventually disappeared.  Pretty soon I never
thought about it anymore.  I was happy.  I was so much in love with your father and our life.

Can you remember some of our family vacations, like when we went to Walt Disney World with your Grandma Jean and Grandpa Joe?  They took us along in their mobile trailer to Florida, and we went to the Magic Kingdom.  We rode the teacups, and the ride called, “It’s a Small World”.  We watched the parade with floats carrying Mickey Mouse and Snow White.  You got so excited when we stepped inside Cinderella’s Castle.  Your eyes grew as big as saucers when you got to hug Minnie Mouse.  We visited one of your great aunts too who was Grandma Jean’s sister, and we all went to the beach together.  How you loved playing in the ocean, frolicking in the waves.  

Another big event was when we went rafting down the Colorado River with your Grandpa John and Grandma Darlene.  I still remember us all sitting around the raft with our oars and our guide telling us when to row.   All of a sudden, he picked up one of your legs and you screamed as you fell out of the raft.  To all of our surprise, the water was only a couple of feet deep at that point.  We realized that when you stood up!  I don’t think I ever laughed so hard.  Our life seemed complete with you in it, and we could not imagine it being any better.  I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, and thanked God each day for the joyful life He gave me.

It seemed that the darkness that once threatened our marriage only made it stronger.  We realized that love, and marriage, took work to make them successful.  It was the hardest job we ever had, and we were so determined to see it happily through to the end.  Yes Lisa, we were happy, and in love.  If I could do it all again, I would still pick your father.  I felt so complete with him and was filled with overwhelming joy. 

You finally graduated from the eighth grade, and we were so proud of you.  You were terrified to start high school.  The first year, you tried out for cheerleading, and of course being as talented as you were, you made the squad.  It did not take long for you to get the hang of school, and into your studies.  You knew right away what you wanted to do when you grew up.  You had it all planned out.  You wanted to be a teacher right from the beginning.  I remember when you asked me if I thought you were smart enough to go to college and I was so excited that you even considered that.  We told you how important it was to achieve high grades to get into college, but that was never a problem for you due to your dedication.  And we were so happy that you wanted to go, because we never had the chance to go to college.  It was thrilling to know that our daughter would exceed beyond what we were able to accomplish in life.

Next came your opportunity to get your driver’s license.  You forced me to let you drive me around the neighborhood, and to school every day.  Remember the time when you hit the mailbox down the street from us?   I made you stop at the house and apologize for knocking it down.  You were not sure you liked the idea, but I stood behind you. When the people answered the door, you explained what happened.  They were so kind about it.  You took responsibility for your actions, and I was so proud of you.  Remember that it is important to be responsible and honest in life. 

Do you remember your sixteenth birthday?  We had a party at the house with helium balloons filling the ceiling, and the various colored ribbon hanging down from the balloons all over the living room.  Helium balloons were also tied to the chairs in the kitchen and the table was full of lunchmeat, potato salad, baked beans, and chips.  You let me know later that you would rather have had pizza.  You invited twenty kids and I’m pretty sure they all showed up.  Well, maybe even more!  The volleyball net was put up in the yard, and music played.  Kids were everywhere, some playing volleyball and others in corners gossiping.  We sang Happy Birthday, and everyone had a good time eating and talking.  To our surprise, some of your classmates planned a performance for you afterward.  Remember?  Everyone pulled chairs to the center of the lawn, and then one of your friends put on some music.  Then a fellow wearing a black slip, black nylons, and black shoes appeared.  He had lipstick and eye makeup on too! He sang, “Sweet
Transvestite” from the movie
Rocky Horror Picture Show –
something your father and I had never heard before.  That was a birthday I would never forget! 

Chapter Twenty-One

                                                             
Memories

Lisa’s Story Continues 

Lisa was left with such a good feeling in her soul.  Reliving her youth, things she forgot, and how proud her parents were of her gave her such a warm feeling.  She laughed aloud as she thought about some of the costumes she wore for Halloween.  Her memories were good ones growing up with her parents, enjoying holidays and vacations with them as well as her grandparents.  Her mind drifted back in time to that birthday when her friend dressed up.

  She was so afraid that her mother would kill her when the party was over and everyone left. 
How could she explain something that she had no control over?
  Not only did she not know they were going to do that skit, but also she had never heard of a transvestite before!  After that birthday, she found the movie and watched it with her parents.  They enjoyed the actors, but were not quite sure that the movie was really appropriate.  Then every year after that for Halloween, she watched it while she passed out candy.

  Laughing to herself, she picked up the journal and continued reading.

Lisa, life is an adventure.  You have to take the ups with the downs.  You never know what’s going to be thrown at you.  You have a choice to take what is given to you and complain for the rest of your existence in that kind of negativity, or you can take it with a grain of salt and keep positive thoughts being thankful for the blessings you already have. 

When your father started showing symptoms of kidney disease, we did not know what was wrong with him.  He was so sick.  He was dizzy all the time, chilled to the bone, and threw up often.  I tried to take care of him at home, thinking he had the flu.  Why would we think anything else?   Eventually, it went away and he returned to work, but after a while the symptoms came back.  We couldn’t figure out why he kept getting sick.  Finally, he woke up one morning complaining of back pain, and he broke out in a rash.  Your father really did not like seeing doctors, but I talked him into it.  They took blood, did lab tests, and other vitals. A few days later, we received the devastating news.  His kidneys were failing.

Lisa, you have no idea how hard it was to hear that.  How can two people who had such a great life, a beautiful daughter, and worked so hard to keep their marriage alive hear such tragic news?  We both cried in the car before we came home to see you.  Your dad was far too young to have that disease, and I didn’t want to even consider a life without him.  We didn’t want you to feel bad or see the terrible things life could sometimes bring, so we didn’t tell you right away.  You were still in high school, the same year you turned sixteen, and we didn’t want your father’s illness to interfere with your studies in any way.  We were survivors, and we knew in our hearts that we could conquer the disease.

The first thing we had to do was watch his diet.  Next, he had to go regularly for dialysis.  He was able to work for a while and we thought we had it licked, but as time went on he became so weak that he had to quit.  The dialysis did not seem to be working that well for him anymore.  His blood pressure was low, and he was so exhausted.  After a few more doctors’ appointments, we were told he needed to have a kidney transplant.  I volunteered to give him one of mine, but he protested.  As it turned out, I was not the right blood type to be a donor anyway.  Do you remember that he grew weaker during your senior year?  We prayed, and kept the doctors’ appointments as well as his dialysis three times a week. 

I have to tell you, Lisa, it was during this difficult time that I truly learned what love was really all about.  I could feel my heart hurt with the sadness of losing him.  In sickness and in health were some of the words we spoke when we married - till death we do part.  I was afraid he would die, and I prayed to change places with him.  I could not imagine living without him, and I could see the fright in his eyes even though he tried to hide it.  He did not want to leave me either.

You graduated high school, and of course we were so pleased.  The plan was for you to go to college to become a teacher.  We didn’t want anything to get in the way of your studies, so we insisted that you live at school.  You have no idea how proud we were of you.  It was so gratifying to see our child finish high school and go on to attain a higher education.

That night, Lisa slept in her parents’ room again.  She had not changed the sheets yet, and could still smell her parents in them.  Bringing them to her face, she took in her parents’ scent.  As she tried to settle down and sleep, tears swelled in the back of her eyes.  Her head still spun with the words she had just read.

“I love you mom and dad,” she said aloud.  “Can you hear me?” 

Lisa could not fathom living without them either, but she had no choice.  When she awoke the following morning, she heard a knock at the front door.  When she opened it, she saw Joey with two coffees in his hands. 

“Remember you told me you had some closets to clean, and some boxes you wanted me to help you get rid of?” He asked.

Lisa smiled.  She needed to talk to him to tell him more about what she read.  She reached up and kissed him on the cheek.  Then, she led him to the kitchen and put some bread in the toaster.  While eating their toast and drinking their coffee, she shared what she had learned about her father’s illness.

“You ready to clear out the clothes in your parents’ closet now?” Joey asked. 

Lisa picked up her head and shook it with a half smile.

“It’ll be all right,” he assured her. 

Together they went upstairs to her parents’ room.  There were boxes on the floor along with strapping tape.  Lisa started with her father’s clothes, as Joey opened the folded boxes and taped them.  She slowly took each item from its hanger and carefully folded it before setting it in a box.  She planned to take the clothes to the Goodwill.  Lunchtime approached as she finished her father’s side of the closet.  The job had been much more difficult than she anticipated, but she was glad that Joey was there for support.  Taking a break for lunch, he took her to a fast food restaurant for burgers and fries.  Afterwards, it was time to return to the house and finish the job.

Joey took down the boxes and photo albums from the shelves, while Lisa packed up her mother’s clothes.  When he brought down the white box with the black paper, he opened it revealing her mother’s wedding dress.

“Would you ever think of wearing your mother’s dress when you get married,” he asked casually.  “Do you have any pictures?” 

Lisa scanned the albums until she found their wedding album. 

“My mom was such a beautiful bride,” she noted.

She looked at the picture again before gazing at the wedding dress in the box.   Tilting her head and smiling she said, “Maybe. Are you asking me to marry you?”  

She again recalled her mother suggesting she hem the dress so she could wear it.  It would mean so much to her, she had said.

“You’ll know when I ask you,” Joey said with a wink. 

Finally, Lisa came to the last dress in the closet.  It was a pretty purple, and the one her mother wore when her father had proposed.  Along with the wedding dress, she decided to keep it.  After that, Joey helped her pack the car so they could drop off the clothes.  As they drove away, sadness filled her spirit, and tears escaped without permission.  An empty feeling haunted her, becoming bigger and hollow.  Suddenly, she felt as if she had nothing left.  Getting rid of her parents’ clothes, made everything seem so final.  They were gone forever, and there would be no evidence that they were ever alive. She turned her head toward the window hoping Joey could not see her cry, but he was so compassionate with her.  He pulled into a parking spot at a nearby park and held her as she continued to sob.  Joey could not place his feet in her shoes, but his love for her was so strong that he believed he could feel her pain.  He drew her close and let her hide her face in his chest.  He could feel her body tremble as he stroked her hair like her mother used to do.  He was quiet, did not rush her, and was amazingly patient as he held her waiting for her to calm down.

When she finally lifted her head, she looked into his soft blue eyes.  Lisa knew at that moment that he was the one. 
Who else would display that kind of gentleness? 
There were only two people she knew who were sympathetic like that, and they had died.

“I love you,” she whispered softly.  “Thanks for being here with me.”

“I love you too, Lisa.  Where else would I be?” He replied and leaned in for a kiss.