Something to Believe In (The Renegade Saints Book 4) (27 page)

I could see the surprise as it flickered over her face. If she’d looked into me at all, she’d seen the bullshit bio that said Mom’s husband Laird was my father and I had no siblings.

“My mom and Margaret never got along. Not even for five minutes. Having met my mom I’m sure you’re thinking it was her but in reality, it wasn’t. Margaret was…”

I trailed off, trying to choose my words. There were a million and five things I could say about Margaret, and none of them were kind.

“Insane,” I said finally. “I don’t mean it like she heard voices or was bipolar. I mean she was a goddamn crazy cunt who was created in the bowels of hell.”

Daisy’s eyes widened as she stared at me in shock.

“She was?”

I nodded. “She was a fucking nightmare. Back then shit like I’m about to tell you wasn’t discussed so no one knew what to call it. Her moods were all over the place and she was the world’s biggest control freak. My dad had to cater to her every whim, and she constantly berated him. She was hostile and aggressive—stealing his car keys, letting the air out of his tires, locking him out of the house if he was five minutes late from work, checking his emails, breaking his phones, following him around… it was insane. He’d get fed up and decide to leave, and suddenly she’d turn into an angel. The cycle was vicious and it went on for years.

Most people don’t realize men can be victims of domestic abuse. It’s underreported because of the shame, and that’s how people like Margaret get away with it. She frequently got physical with him and she wasn’t a good mom to Alexandra, either. My dad wanted to leave but she’d always threaten to keep Alexandra and he couldn’t just leave her there. At one point they broke up and it seemed like it was going to stick, but she came crawling back with some bullshit story about therapy and being a family. That lasted for two weeks, and during that time, she got pregnant.”

Dad had really had it by the time Jason was a year old. I didn’t live with them—they lived up in the Poconos and I lived in New Jersey with Mom and her fiancé Laird. They’re married now. I went to Dad’s every weekend and for the summers. The last summer I was there, I was twelve, Jason was two, and Alexandra was ten going on eleven. My dad had finally kicked Margaret out of the house and filed for divorce. She’d been gone for months and things were looking up. I was hoping I’d be able to move in with him permanently with her gone. My mom’s only reason for not allowing it before was because of Margaret. Everything was good, and then…”

I swallowed sickly as I prepared myself to finish the story and then had to force the words past the lump in my throat. I told Daisy everything, even though it fucking killed me to do it. She bawled her eyes out as she listened, her shoulders shaking with the force of her sobs. When I was finished, I was crying, too.

She climbed into my lap and held on like she’d never let go. The two of us rocked back and forth and cried for what felt like an eternity. By the time we were finished almost the entire box of tissues was wadded up around us.

I took my phone from my pocket and unlocked it before pulling up the photos I carried with me everywhere.

“This is my family,” I said proudly.

She took the phone from me and began scrolling through, gasping when she saw my dad.

“He could be your twin,” she noted.

I let out a choked cry as I nodded. “His name was Jason Alexander McCafferty. Now that I’ve gotten to the point where I’m talking about him, I’m going to do what I should’ve done years ago. It’s time to change my last name to his. My mom was never a parent and it isn’t her name I want to pass on.”

She wiped the tears from my cheeks lovingly. “I think that’s beautiful.”

We scrolled through more pictures of my dad with me as a baby and then we got to my sister. Daisy cried when she came to the first picture of Alexandra and me, then cried more when she saw Jason.

“You all have the same eyes.”

I let out a dry laugh as I nodded. “Yeah. People used to joke that my dad must’ve been descended from wolves.”

It felt cathartic to go through the pictures with her. I told her stories about Alexandra’s obsession with No Doubt and Jason’s larger than life personality. I talked about my dad and how he found rhythm in everything, teaching all of us kids to listen to the heartbeat to find peace.

“Jason had this ugly little bear that played the heartbeat sound for hours every night,” I chuckled. “At first it was annoying but then, I got used to it being there, like some kind of a metronome. Dad said he fell in love with each one of us the first time he heard our hearts beating, because hearing the rhythm made him feel connected.”

I then told her all about why I’d started doing drugs and why I’d almost killed myself with heroin chasing the sound.

“That’s so sad,” she whimpered.

“I was scared as fuck of the sound after that,” I admitted. “And then, I met you.”

She cocked her head to the side and furrowed her brow.

“What about me?” she asked.

“When I took your hand in mine, I heard it. That’s really why I freaked the fuck out and was a miserable prick to you at first. I was scared.”

“You—you heard it? How?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know how, I just know that I do. It happens every day with you at some point. I’m not scared of it anymore though. Now, I look forward to it. I know it means we’re meant to be together. You’re my person.”

Her lips trembled when she smiled at me.

“Can I tell you something?”

I nodded. “Of course, Freckles. Anything.”

“I—I love you.”

I’d been around people who swore those three little words changed their lives and I’d always written it off as being bullshit.

I.

Was.

Wrong.

Daisy telling me she loved me wasn’t just a gift, it was an anchor, a solid weight that I knew I’d be able to rely on forever.

“I love you too,” I croaked before pulling her in close so I could kiss her.

When we finally broke apart, she rubbed her hands over my cheeks reverently.

“I get it now,” she said. “I understand why you don’t want to sleep with anyone in the room and I’m okay with—”

“That ends now,” I said firmly. “We’re going to try it tonight, and every night after, until it just is. If I need to go back to therapy to make it happen, so be it.”

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to,” she murmured.

“I do have to,” I admitted. “I have to know that I can move on. I’ve come so far. I can’t stop until we go all the way.”

That night, we slept together in the same bed. I got one hundred and fifty-three minutes of sleep before I woke up in a panic. Instead of leaving, I stayed. And I continued to stay every time I woke up in a panic after that.

It didn’t happen quickly, but over time I let go of my fear and let love in. Within five weeks, we were sharing a bedroom and I was sleeping through the night.

Love did that for me. It shone a light in my darkest places and thawed the ice block I’d built around my heart.

With her at my side I enjoyed every second of the last tour. Whether it was at the ‘prom’ party we had in England or the walking expedition we took in Italy, I was truly and blessedly content and in the moment.

With Daisy, I’d found something I never thought I’d have.

Love and happiness.

A
fter the whirlwind adventure of being on tour for months, Tyson took me to Harmony so we could spend time with my family. I wasn’t sure what to expect from him once we got there, wasn’t sure how he’d acclimate to it even for a brief time. Harmony was tiny and Tyson’s life was huge.

I had nothing to worry about. He loved the small town feel, and he and my Granddaddy got along like two peas in a pod. I have to admit, I was surprised. Granddaddy could be a stubborn old coot when he wanted, but he took to Tyson within minutes. Next thing I knew those two fools were driving around the back roads raising hell.

The premiere of Devon’s documentary was set for the following week and my entire family had agreed to go. I couldn’t believe Granddaddy was going into the big city willingly, but he was hell bent on supporting Tyson. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

The only bit of familial discomfort came from my mom. I’d forced a meeting between she and Ty on the way to Harmony and it hadn’t gone well. She was her normal uptight self and Tyson wasn’t okay with the little barbs she took at me about my hair, my clothes and, as ever, my tendency to lapse into southern talk. As with all things related to her, I had to accept it and let it go. Nothing was going to change. I had made my peace with it. She was the only cloud in a sky full of rainbows, and that was just the way it was.

Having Ty in Harmony and seeing him interact with the rest of my family was everything to me. We’d been enjoying our last night there when my world changed again.

Rocking back and forth on Vi and Ry’s porch swing with the kids running around being silly and my entire family (except Mom) standing there, Tyson got down on one knee.

“You ready to make an honest man out of me, Freckles?” he asked huskily.

Giant tears streaked down my face as I stared at him. “Really?” I asked breathlessly.

“Really,” he assured me. “You’re my forever and I’m yours. Just say the word.”

“Yes,” I yelped excitedly. “Yes, yes, yes!”

Hours later, I was flooring it down a back road in the Camaro Ty had bought for us to keep on Granddaddy’s farm for visits. I laughed happily as I tore ass through rural Harmony with my man at my side and his ring on my finger. He didn’t know it, but I had a destination in mind. When I saw the turnoff I gunned the engine and went full throttle, racing down the tiny road before coming to a screeching halt at the bottom. He was laughing himself silly as I turned the car off.

“Driving with you will never not be an adventure,” he teased.

I wiggled my eyes at him before climbing out of the car. I walked around to the back and grabbed a blanket from the trunk, urging him to follow me as I headed down to the edge of the stream. The silence was broken by the sound of cicadas and the water as it flowed lazily over rocks. I spread out the blanket before pulling my dress over my head and peeling off my panties with a cheeky grin. Realization of what I wanted came quick, and he wasted no time getting naked himself. I stopped him when he tried to come and sit on the blanket.

“No,” I murmured. “Stand right where you are.”

I crawled the few inches to the edge of the blanket and then sat up on my knees so I was perfectly positioned to rock his world.

“You’re hard,” I grinned.

“Always,” he admitted.

He wasn’t joking. The man was perpetually ready to take me to pound town. It worked out well since I always wanted to go.

I fisted the base of his cock in my hand, enjoying his ragged inhalation from above me. I chuckled before leaning in close and tracing my tongue around the sensitive tip. He threaded his hands into my hair with a groan as I licked up and down the length of his shaft, getting him nice and wet. I drew it out, driving him wild before I opened my mouth and took him in. His harsh breathing was music to my ears as I licked and sucked him. He only got more desperate when he realized I was stroking my clit.