So Much to Learn (59 page)

There was another ripple of chuckles at this which bolstered
me somewhat as I continued. "I guess, like my mum said it would,
this speech has got a bit mushy so I'm going to try and pull it
back into reality a bit. Although I’m far,
far
down the line in terms of people
to first discover this I have to say it: love is hard! I don't for
a minute imagine that my parents got together and then had
completely smooth sailing. I know for a fact that my mother's
brother, my uncle Steve, hated my dad until well after my parents
were married." I looked significantly at Matt as I said this but he
just raised his eyebrows challengingly as if to say: 'So?' "But
whatever trials they came across I guess they rode them out or, if
I know my mum and dad, took one look at them and smashed them into
smithereens, because they felt what they had was more important
than the rubbish they met along the way. And I think that's pretty
inspiring. Especially because, in my own life, I've been cowardly
when it comes to these obstacles. I know for most of you what I'm
saying is old news but this is all new for me so humour me here for
a few moments as I tell you about the lessons I've learnt this
year."

I couldn't keep
my eyes away from Jack by this point and I clutched the mic tightly
as I saw he'd let the shield come over his face to stop me from
knowing what he was thinking. Was that a good sign? I wondered. Was
he shutting me out because he didn't want me to see the affect my
mentioning of 'lessons' had had on him or had he just shut down
because he didn't care what I had to say? I supposed there was only
one way to find out and soldiered on, willing him to let me back
in.

"Firstly, I
suppose I learnt about what I've already talked about, the fact
that nobody has any rights over other people's relationships.
Secondly, I learnt that you might love someone but that you cannot
control their lives. Even if you think you know what's the best for
them you can only work in partnership with them and hope they
understand when you tell them of your concerns or ideas. Thirdly,
lies are bad but the truth can be equally destructive and when
people start playing around with deceit and deception, or even
absolute honesty, things can rapidly get out of control. Fourthly,
I realised that love is overwhelming and when you start thinking
about all the people who you love and who love you it can feel like
you're going to be ripped apart. I mean what are you supposed to do
if they conflict? Start up a list and try to rank the people you
love in order of most important down to least important? Of course
not! That's impossible! For starters love isn't just one thing, it
can appear in heaps and heaps of different incarnations and trying
to keep track of them all, well, it could do your bloody head
in!"

Just as mine
had nearly been done in, I thought.

"Right," I was
on the homeward stretch now, "I can see that some of you are
falling asleep so I'm going to finish up. My final lesson is the
most amazing, important thing anyone has ever said to me and,
regardless of whether this speech has achieved what I wanted it to
or not, I will always view this as the best advice I've ever been
given." I paused and added, "I only wish I'd followed their advice
sooner and stopped all the heartache I have given them and
myself."

God, I could
feel the tears welling up and there was no way I wanted to do my
puffer fish impersonation now. I put a hand on my chest as if to
push the tears back down and smiled a watery smile, desperate to
get my last words out before I lost it completely.

"I think even
some of you old codgers might appreciate this advice and so I hope
everyone is listening. Are you ready? Here we go: figure out what
you want and then just bloody go for it."

There were some
smiles around the room and even more nods and I was glad to see
that Jack and I weren't the only ones who considered it good
advice.

"And I guess,
after congratulating my parents on standing twenty five years with
each other, that's the point of this speech. I just wanted to say
that, Jack, I know it's taken me way too long but I've finally
figured out what I want. And it's you."

For a moment it
seemed as if Jack and I were the only ones in the room. Yeah, OK,
believe me I never thought I would say such a cheesy thing but I'm
all up for cheese if it's true and I can't really think of any
other way to describe what happened. It was like a fog swelled up
out of nowhere and covered everything except Jack and me. It even
muffled the sound like I'd just donned some earmuffs.

We locked gazes
and held. The shield in front of his face was gone but I still
couldn't really tell what he was thinking. Perhaps he seemed a
little…afraid? No, that couldn't be right, Jack didn't get scared.
'What are you thinking?' I silently pleaded. I think he must have
caught my question and not liked my attempt to get inside his head
because he abruptly got to his feet, his chair toppling over at the
suddenness of his movement.

I blinked in
surprise and came back to reality where there was a round of gentle
applause rippling around the tent. I heard someone whistling their
approval and saw Simone grinning up at me, beside her even Micky
had managed to bring his hands together in a couple of desultory
claps. This wasn't a bringing down the house kind of applause, it
was polite and restrained as people looked at each other in
confusion, obviously wondering what that bit at the end had been
about. They soon brushed their bemusement aside, however, and
started drifting hopefully towards the buffet. I guess politician
wasn't going to be one of my career goals if my speeches received
such a luke-warm response. Still, I didn't care what random people
thought of my speech. It only mattered to me what one person
thought.

I looked back
down to where Jack had stood up and felt a little drop of ice spike
my stomach as I saw that he was gone. I dropped the microphone and
jumped off the stage, scanning the crowd, trying to catch a glimpse
of him.

Starting to
panic, I pushed my way through the people, shouting out his name
and receiving my fair share of weird looks for it. I didn't care, I
just wanted Jack. What if he'd left already? What if my speech had
done nothing but annoy him? Had I pushed him even further away?

"Where the hell
do you think you're going?" I froze out of habit hearing the
dangerous tone in my brother's voice, but on turning around to face
him, I realised that it wasn't me he was talking to. He was over by
one of the tent flaps, his arm extended to block Jack from leaving.
"She makes a big speech like that and you walk out on her? I don't
think so."

"So what are
you saying?" Jack's posture was stiff and I began battling my way
hurriedly over to join them, recognising that stance as one which
usually meant bad things were about to happen.

"I'm not saying
anything except you're even more of a shit than I thought if you
just leave without hearing what she has to say."

"Thanks, Matt,"
I said, virtually throwing myself between them as I saw Jack open
his mouth to reply, "I'll take it from here."

"Fine." Matt
touched me briefly on the shoulder, gave Jack a hard stare, and
then walked off to join Tommo and the others.

There was a
little pause as we both watched Matt leave but I broke it by
turning and asking, "Were you leaving?"

He shoved a
hand into his pocket and looked down at the grass. "No, not really,
I just needed to get out…away from the people, not you."

He didn't want
to get away from me, surely a good sign. But then, he had been
leaving without waiting for me so…what was he saying? His face was
still giving nothing away and I felt like I was breaking in half
waiting to know his response to my heartfelt speech.

"Jack, I-"

A group of
people brushed past us, knocking me slightly off balance and
disrupting my sentence. Jack sighed and grabbed my hand. "Come on,
let's go and find somewhere to talk."

I managed to
restrain myself from gushing that, with Jack holding my hand, I was
prepared to go absolutely anywhere, and followed him silently. He
led me out of the tent, where night was beginning to properly fall,
making the sky and all the objects in view a kind of deep violet
colour, and into one of the secluded areas. We were hidden from
view by sweet smelling shrubbery and lit gently by the little
twinkling fairy lights woven through the branches.

Once in the
little clearing, Jack released my hand and I covered my
disappointment by making a show of checking the ground for damp or
stones before settling down on the soft grass, my legs curled
beneath me. Jack joined me, sitting close but not close enough to
touch, resting his arms on his drawn up knees.

For a few
moments we both let the soft music and the friendly chatter of
guests nearby waft over us and then Jack said, fiddling with a
blade of grass, "So, I got the feeling that that speech in there
was somewhat directed at me."

"
Somewhat
?" I
reached over and grabbed the grass stem he was concentrating on and
threw it to the side. "Did you doze off or something? It was
all
directed at you.
Well, I mean, not the 'congratulations on 25 years together' part,"
I amended, "but the 'I've discovered the meaning of love and I want
you Jack' stuff? Yeah that was all for you."

Jack continued to stare off into the distance. I shifted
uncomfortably, waiting for some response but didn't like it when it
came. "What's changed Talia?" Not 'Tally' I noticed but 'Talia.'
Still it least he didn't call me 'Natalia' then I really would have
been in trouble. "When did it suddenly become…
convenient
?"

"Oh, God." I
wished he hadn't brought that up so quickly. I put my face in my
hands and groaned. "I can't believe I said that to you. I felt
awful saying it."

"It didn't feel
all that crash hot hearing it either," Jack said pointedly.

I looked up at
him, smarting slightly at his comment. "I am so, so sorry. I don't
think I can say enough how sorry I am." I wondered if the number of
apologies made in a fortnight affected the sincerity, I hoped not.
"But I did have my reasons for being such a bitch," I assured
him.

"Yeah?" He
didn't sound convinced.

"Yeah, I had
this great 'I'll push him away' plan which was supposed to ensure
that you were happy. I thought that if we weren't together Matt
wouldn't have any reason to hate you and you would be best mates
again. On top of that, you were going to feel freed from any
obligation you thought you had to me and you would go off to
England with a spring in your step and your eyes firmly set on the
future."

Jack shook his
head slightly in bemusement and I guess it did sound kind of stupid
now I'd said it out loud.

"And what were
you supposed to be doing while I was skipping merrily off into the
sunset?" He asked.

"Me?" I
frowned. "I guess I hadn't really thought about me."

Hearing Jack's
little chuckle I looked up hopefully but saw he was still not
looking at me and that, from what I could see from his expression
with his face in profile, his laugh had been relatively
mirthless.

"So it was all
about me and Matt then?" Well might he sound disbelieving, I guess
I'm not really known for my selfless acts.

"Well," I
licked my lips awkwardly, "maybe it was self-serving in a way. I
mean you really blew away all my worries about physical affection,
I can hug with the best of them now, but I guess I'm still working
on the whole emotion thing. Perhaps in the back of my mind I was
thinking that if I forced you away I could protect myself from
getting in too deep."

"And did you?"
His tone was restrained.

I shook my head
miserably. "You know the answer to that. It was too late."

Silence fell
between us and, if it had been any other situation, I would’ve been
amused by the fact that, because it was a warm evening, there were
the sounds of crickets all around us. What a cliché!

"What about
kissing Adam? Was that another ploy to ensure my eternal
happiness?" The sarcasm was evident in his voice but it was tinged
with something else. Hurt, I think, with a smidgeon of anger mixed
in for good measure.

"No, that
wasn't a ploy, that was drunken madness," I said with feeling. "I
know it sounds weird and unbelievable but it was kind of an
experiment. I felt so comfortable being with you, kissing you, that
I wanted to see if that worked with other people too. I guess I was
trying to see whether I was doomed to only feel set on fire with
someone I'd decided I could never kiss again."

"And?"

"I found out
I'm doomed because there was no fire, not even the smallest spark.
All I did was embarrass myself and Adam and give myself yet another
thing to apologise for. The way I told you was just…" I trailed off
unable to really put any words to what had been my desire to get
his attention and had ended up yet one more bit of pain I inflicted
on Jack.

Again there was
a pause as he stared dead ahead, acting as if I wasn't even there,
as if I hadn't been beside him spilling my heart out. Honestly why
had he come out here with me if he wasn't going to give me a
chance?

I couldn't take
it anymore, I couldn't take his distance or how little my words
seemed to be affecting him. Getting onto my knees I shuffled round
until I was in front of Jack and took his hands in mine.

"Jack, I know it seems like I've done nothing but mess up but
I felt like you were trying to tell me something when you said I
should figure out what I wanted and go for it. Like I said back
there I
have
figured out what I want and, for now, I'm going to completely
ignore what Matt thinks and the awkward position it puts you in and
tell you the absolute truth. I want you and this is me going for
it. Now if you don't want
me
anymore then I guess I understand and you should
go so I can hang myself with some of these fairy lights in peace,
but if you still love me than please,
please
talk to me!"