So Much to Learn (36 page)

"Don't pretend
you don't know what today is," Matt scoffed, seeming not to have
noticed my momentary freak out and instead fiddling distractedly
with his facial hair. "Look," he abruptly turned away from me and
began filling the sink with water, "today has nothing to do with
you so just go to Simone's or something, OK?"

I blinked in
surprise, my forehead wrinkling with confusion. I could see Matt's
face reflected in the mirror above the sink, he still looked
dreadfully solemn and yet I didn't believe what he'd just said.
There was no way he really thought that I was just going to walk
away from the flat, from Jack, on today of all days. I sat in
dumbstruck silence watching as Matt splashed water over his face
and reached for the shaving cream. As he lathered his face I was
reminded uncomfortably about the last time I had watched someone
shaving and I tore my eyes away from the mirror and looked
determinedly at the floor instead.

"Go on then,"
Matt said as he pulled the razor down his cheek leaving clean,
shiny pink skin in its wake. "I'll call you tomorrow and let you
know when you can come back if you're worried we're going to go up
to Bridunna without you."

This snapped me
out of my astonished silence and I jerked my head back up to face
him, feeling my wet hair slap against my neck as I did so.

"You think
that's
what I'm worried about?" I snapped unbelievingly. "God you are
so stupid! I'm worried about Jack!" I heard my voice reach the
outer edges of the realm of shrillness and took a deep breath to
keep the hysterical note at bay. "Of course I know what day it is,
but I'm not just going to leave," I continued more quietly but with
definite purpose. "I live here too and Jack is a huge part of my
life," much bigger than you know I added silently, "and there is no
way I'm going to let you shut me out."

Matt had been
speed shaving as I spoke and at the last he pulled away and a drop
of crimson blood appeared on his neck where he had nicked himself
with the razor. He swore under his breath and wiped at the blood,
smearing it across his skin, before meeting my eyes in the
reflection of the mirror.

"I can't
believe you're throwing a hissy fit about being left out," he said
angrily. "For God’s sake, Talia, for once in your life think about
somebody else, would you? This isn't about us shutting you out,
this is about this day being none of your business!"

He attacked his
bristles with the razor once more as I gaped at him in disbelief,
stung by his harsh words. Matt's colour was high from his anger and
I knew that I would have two spots of colour on my cheeks too, as
if I had been slapped physically instead of just figuratively. The
family resemblance at that moment would have been very obvious.

As I felt my
disbelief morph slowly into anger I stood up off the toilet seat
and threw my brother a defiant look. "Forget it, Matt," I said,
summing up all the cold authority I could muster. "The answer is
no, I'm not leaving."

I made to march
out of the bathroom, but my fingers had barely brushed the doorknob
when I felt Matt's hand close around my elbow and pull me back
around to face him. More blood from his cut had beaded out and
dripped down his neck adding to the rather scary look he was giving
me.

"You make it
sound like I'm asking you," he said steadily and my mouth closed
with such a snap that my teeth clacked together painfully.

My Matt, my
jokey, irreverent, larrikin Matt was nowhere to be seen and instead
a strange, stern stranger stood before me. Presumably seeing my
alarmed look he released my arm gently but his expression did not
soften any. Reigning in my childish impulse to hit him and tell him
he was mean, I wrapped my towel tighter about myself and exited the
bathroom, my head held high.

Turning the
corner to go to my bedroom I came face to face with Jack. Obviously
looking like total stranger was going to be a running theme for the
day because he looked really weird. His mouth was stretched into a
taut, painful looking grin and he held himself so tightly I thought
that at any second he was going to go 'boing!' and jump around the
room like a released spring. Basically he looked like a maniac and,
despite what had just happened in the bathroom, I turned to Matt,
who had followed me into the main room, for explanation and
comfort.

He touched my
shoulder briefly in reassurance and said to me, in a pathetic
imitation of his real relaxed tone, "Ready to go then?"

I was about to
try an appeal to Jack to let me stay when I noticed Matt's eyes
flicker over my head to Jack and then quickly come back to rest on
me and I suddenly realised what was going on. Turning back to look
at Jack I said accusingly, "You asked him to tell me to leave,
didn't you?"

Jack froze, his
eyes glazed over with that funny, faraway look I thought I had
cured him off, and all the fight went out of me. "Fine, I get it,"
I said softly, finding that at least I was relieved that the
coldness between Jack and Matt had dissolved. "I'll get dressed and
go to Simone's."

Still, as I
skirted round Jack and disappeared inside my bedroom, I couldn't
help noticing that my heart was pounding heavily with
disappointment and worry as it made its, by now familiar, descent
down into my feet.

~*~

The next day I
woke with a start and realised that my mobile was shrilly ringing
somewhere nearby. Struggling to get my bearings, I raised my head
and realised that I was in Simone's room and that my best friend
was fast asleep in the bed beside me. Knowing that she wouldn't be
able to sleep through too much more of my phone's high pitched
song, I looked around the room for my mobile and finally spotted it
buzzing and jittering on top of her chest of drawers. I launched
myself at it, unfortunately forgetting that I was still under the
bedclothes, and managed to bind myself tightly in Simone's sheets
as I did so.

I landed with a
heavy thud on the floor, the jolt from my fall knocking my mobile
off the chest of drawers and causing it to fall into my lap.
Picking it up and hoping that after all my effort it wouldn't just
ring out I flipped it open and pressed it against my ear.

"Hello?" I
gasped and was relieved to hear Matt's voice on the other end
say,

"Took you long
enough."

I leant back
against the chest of drawers and caught my breath. "I didn't
realise when you said you'd call me in the morning that you meant
at the crack of sodding dawn," I said with feigned grumpiness,
after all he is my brother and the non-niceties have to be
observed. "How's Jack?"

I heard Matt
give a big sigh and then he said quietly, "Not great," in such an
understated way that I felt my heart squeeze with a little clutch
of pain.

"I'm on my
way," I said quickly, flipping shut my phone before I even heard
Matt's reply.

It was as I was
struggling to stand up that I realised that my ever so graceful
fall had pulled all the blankets off Simone as well and that she
was propped up on her elbows blinking sleepily at me.

"Sorry," I said
guiltily, pulling at the sheets and managing to free myself from
the cocoon. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"She's cool,"
she yawned, "I would've been more cross if you'd snuck out and not
told me how Jack is."

I pulled a face
to show that the answer wasn't a good one and she nodded
understandingly.

Simone was such
a sweetie, she hadn't even asked any questions when I had shown up
the day before and asked if I could stay the night, she had simply
given me a hug and let me in. She had then proceeded to spend all
of her Sunday thinking of ways to distract me from what Jack and
Matt were doing and had been so ingenious in her plans that she had
partly succeeded.

I gave her back
her covers and then proceeded to get dressed in double quick time.
Simone walked with me to her front door and I was just about to say
goodbye when the door suddenly opened and Alex appeared in the
doorway, framed by early morning light. I looked at Simone in
surprise and saw that she, like me, was hoping that this didn't
mean Alex had been out all night doing goodness knows what.

He didn't look
surprised to see us, indeed it seemed he had been counting on us
being there as he thrust his hand out towards me and said, "Here."
In his cupped hand I saw two gumnuts nestled in his palm and I
looked at him questioningly as I scooped them out.

"What-?" I
began to ask but he brushed past me without saying anything else
and moments later the door to the guest room slammed shut as he
went inside.

I looked to
Simone for an explanation and was surprised to see that her grey
eyes were becoming wet with tears. "He wants you to put them on the
graves," she said miserably, gesturing towards the gumnuts in my
hand.

For a moment I
was thrown but then I released a soft, "Oh," of understanding as a
memory of a 9 year old Alex marching around with the 7 year old
twins trotting along in his wake floated to the forefront of my
brain. I felt a little lump rise in my throat as I remembered how
inseparable the three of them had been ever since they had met when
Alex, at age 6, had moved with his family to Bridunna and declared
himself the leader of their little gang.

"Don't you
remember how they used to cut up our gumboots to make slingshots?"
Simone asked with a tremulous smile. "We never had any footwear for
wet weather and every time we went outside we had to be wary of
being hit by gumnuts. Alex taught the twins to be such good
shots."

The corners of
my mouth lifted up into a small, sad smile as I thought about those
days.

"I saw him put
gumnuts on their graves that first year," Simone continued. "He
must have kept on doing it although I've never seen him after that
first time."

We both blinked
back tears at the image of bad boy Alex sneaking annually to the
gravesides of his two childhood friends to secretly mourn them.

I couldn't
spend too much time ruminating on Alex's sadness as Matt and Jack's
were still too much at the forefront of my mind to allow room for
the fifteen year old's as well, but as I slipped the gumnuts into
my pocket, I knew that I would think about him later. Grabbing my
bag I gave Simone a quick hug and promised to call her the next day
to let her know how things had gone before hurrying down the steps
and across the street to my car.

As frantic as I
was to get back to my boys I drove from Simone's to the flat as
safely as I knew how, well beneath the speed limit and with extra
special care on the corners; the knowledge that a car crash had led
us all to where we were niggling at the back of my mind.

As I pulled
into the car park I saw Matt walk out of the building and head
towards his car with a big bag. I parked crookedly but didn't
bother to correct it, instead throwing open the door and hurrying
over to my brother.

"Jack says he
isn't coming back to Bridunna," Matt said without preamble as I
reached his side.

"What?" I
asked, sure I couldn't have heard him right. "He doesn't want to
visit the graves, or his father, or anything?"

"Nope." Matt
shrugged. "He's been like this ever since we came to uni, I've had
to basically drag him into the car the last couple of years, but
this year he's really determined not to go." He turned and slammed
shut the boot of his car before adding, "So, your turn."

"My turn?" I
asked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," he
said with a sigh, "that I’ve seen you two become closer this year
and so maybe you have a chance convincing him, hell, I've never
seen him refuse you anything."

How right you are! I thought to myself grimly, my mouth drying
up at the realisation that Matt had noticed
something
though perhaps not as much
as he should have. Strangely enough, however, my mind almost
immediately moved on, I didn't really care at that moment if Matt
was close to the truth about me and Jack, I just wanted to make
sure that Jack was OK.

"Fine, I'll
give it a shot," I said, glancing up at our flat's windows and
starting to make a move towards the building before being stopped
by Matt's voice gently saying,

"Hey."

I turned back
and Matt gave me a quick one armed hug, pulling me in against his
side and holding me for a moment. It was over as quickly as it had
begun, Matt pulled away without another word and gave me a little
shove towards our building, but I knew what he had meant by the
hug. It was an apology for the day before, a reassurance that
whatever else was going on he was always there for me and an
expression of other cheesy things that he would never, ever put
into words.

I flew up the
steps to the third floor and let myself into the flat, immediately
wrinkling up my nose at the stale stench of alcohol, cigarette
smoke and other grotty 'wild night' smells that I was glad I
couldn't identify. Picking my way through the furniture, and noting
that one of the beanbags had somehow ended up on top of the
wardrobe, I made my way over to the kitchen and poured a huge glass
of water (adding a splash of orange juice to aid Jack's hydration)
and grabbed the paracetamol pack, thinking as I did so of the many
times I had done this for Matt.

Thus armed with
my hangover artillery, I went to Jack's door and knocked softly
upon it. There was no reply so, after a moment, I turned the knob
and entered the room. The curtains were drawn and all was in
darkness although I could just make out the lump on the bed that
was Jack. I put the water and paracetamol down on the bedside table
and went over to open the curtains just a crack, the little bit of
light revealing the utter disarray his room was in. It looked as if
Jack had stumbled into the room, knocked over the lamp on his desk
(consequently breaking the glass shade and light bulb) before
staggering into the bookshelf and knocking a wave of books down
onto the floor. In amongst this mess were his clothes from
yesterday, all of which looked stained and rumpled.