So Much to Learn (33 page)

So this was it.
I knew it and he knew it. Let the serious talking begin.

I tore my eyes
from his, feeling disorientated and more afraid of the unknown then
I had been when it had been dark. Crossing the room to place the
candle on the bedside table I paused for a second before taking a
deep breath and turning around. Before I could say anything,
however, Jack beat me to it.

"I know you
don't want to talk, but I can't put it off anymore, I have
something I need to tell you," he said, leaning back against his
desk with his arms crossed. I usually would have assumed this was
an aggressive pose but in that moment it seemed more a position of
defence rather than defiance.

I nodded that I
understood, my head feeling weirdly heavy because of the towel
turban, and then said, "Yeah I've got to tell you something too,"
Before sinking down onto the edge of his bed. There was a little
pause in which I realised that Jack obviously intended me to go
first. I stared unseeingly at the weird shadows being thrown up
against the opposite wall by the wavering flame in front of me and
then pulled myself together and gestured towards the candle.

"Haley gave me
that," I said, still finding myself prevaricating despite knowing
that it was time to cut to the nitty gritty. "It was an Easter
present of all things!" I suddenly felt a great swell of hatred
towards the oddly shaped lump of wax. "I mean what the hell did she
think I was going to do with a large demented looking chicken
candle?" I said, my voice a lot louder than I had intended it to
be.

"Use it for
emergency lighting in a power cut," Jack suggested pointedly, his
voice immediately going to the frustrated 'Talia is bitching about
Haley again' tone I knew so well. Without even looking at him I
knew he had just run a hand through his hair in irritation.

"I barely knew
her though," I ploughed on. "I'd only just met her the previous
fortnight and then, lo and behold, she turns up with an Easter
present for me. I mean talk about obvious! She wanted in with me so
I wouldn't interfere with her plans for you and Matt."

"Oh yeah," Jack
said, a bite of sarcasm entering his voice, "I just remembered that
she gave Matt and me chocolate eggs for Easter, she was clearly
trying to fatten us up so she could push us in the oven later and
eat us!"

"Oh, ha, ha" I
grumbled, not at all amused at how quickly the annoyance on both
our parts had risen in so short a period of time. "But that's
another thing, how come you two got chocolate and I got that?" I
pointed at the candle and wrinkled my nose up at the offending
object.

"For God’s
sake," Jack sighed, "you're determined to read an insult into
everything Haley does. You know how I saw the whole candle-giving
situation? I thought it was a nice gesture from a neighbour to
someone new in the building."

I seethed at
Jack's patronising attitude. Little did he know that Haley had
revealed her true colours the night before. Well, I was going to be
able to set him straight on that score once and for all.

"Maybe I'm
determined to read an insult into everything she does, but you're
determined to read good in everything she does," I snapped, getting
up off the bed and glaring through the gloom at him. "You're not a
girl so you don't see the games she's playing."

"Or maybe I see
her for what she really is rather than imagining she's playing
games with me," Jack said, his voice even and restrained.

"I'm not
imagining!" I exploded, why could he never admit that I might know
things about her that he didn't?

"I think you
are." I hated that calm, soft voice of his when he used it against
me, it was the voice he used with strangers or people who annoyed
him. I guess, considering the years we had known each other, I was
in the latter category.

"You're wrong!"
I really needed to work on my arguing skills. Still, they do say
that there is nothing like the direct approach and being direct was
one thing that I had in spades.

"I don't think
I am." This last flat out refusal from Jack to believe me broke
through my flimsy intent to break the news of Haley's knowledge to
him gently and I found myself shouting:

"She
knows!"

There was a
ringing silence after my explosion and then I said, more quietly
this time, "Haley knows that there is something going on with
us."

There. I'd told him and now he would
have
to change his attitude. I waited
for him to be astonished and alarmed like I had been on the
Thursday, or to apologise profusely to me and proclaim Haley an
interfering bitch (unlikely considering his code of gentlemanly
behaviour but a girl could dream) but instead he simply looked at
me steadily and said, "I know."

The self
satisfied smirk died on my lips and there was a strange buzzing in
my ears as I took in what he'd said. Copying his stance I folded my
arms and searched for the words I needed to say.

"You know?" I
finally managed to force out between my shocked lips. Then, as the
initial stunned surprise wore off, I narrowed my eyes and demanded,
"How long have you known she knows? No, more importantly, how do
you know she knows?" I knew that I was saying 'know' way too many
times but I was unable to stop myself, my ability to look for
synonyms had been knocked right out of me.

Jack, seeming
to realise that we were at a crucial point and that whatever he
said from this point on would be used against him at a later date,
straightened up off the desk, his eyes searching for mine. I,
however, was wise to his game and pointedly looked away, waiting
for his answer.

"Monday." He
said it so quietly I wasn't sure for a moment whether I had heard
him right. "I ran into Haley at Uni on Monday and she pretty much
asked me flat out if there was something going on between you and
me."

He paused, but
not long enough for my mind to stop whirring uselessly over the
fact that he'd known that Haley was on to us from the beginning of
the week and form a sentence, so he continued on without any input
from me.

"She wasn't
being accusing about it or anything, she simply said she'd noticed
that we'd changed around each other and thought that maybe there
was something going on. I said no but-"

"But you've
always been a rubbish liar and she saw straight through you," I
muttered, regaining the power of speech and feeling my thoughts
finally click into place. "So you've known since Monday?" I looked
at him then and knew that, even in dim light, he could see how
angry I was. "And you didn't think that maybe I should know? It
didn't even cross your mind to do me the courtesy of telling me
that my whole world was about to cave in on my head?"

Jack seemed to
take exception to this and I watched with a degree of satisfaction
as a little of his calm façade cracked. "Now that's not fair," he
said coldly. "I tried to tell you, twice in fact, but you wouldn't
let me talk."

That
was what he'd been trying to
tell me? I'd thought he wanted to talk through the consequences of
sleeping together. If I'd known that he had something that
important to tell me I wouldn't have shushed him. Still, I didn't
feel as if it was my fault and I told him so.

"You should
have tried harder," I added and Jack gave a mirthless little laugh
which really sent my hackles skyward.

"I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but you're not
exactly the easiest person in the world to make listen to something
you don't want to hear," he said cuttingly. "It's pretty damn hard
to make you do anything you don't want to do, although you've sure
as hell got the convincing people to do things
they
don't want to do down
pat."

"Oh, real nice
Jack!" I snapped back, feeling indescribably hurt that he would use
my convincing him to help me get over my phobia against me. "But
we're not talking about me right at this second, it's Haley I'm
worried about. For all we know she's told the whole Uni by
now!"

"That's pretty
unlikely," Jack disagreed, his voice still sharp. "I think somebody
would have mentioned it to us by now, wouldn't you? Anyway, for all
you think that Haley despises you, she likes me so I don't think
she'll say anything."

"Oh yes we all know she likes
you
!" I sniped. "That's why I think
she'll tell everybody, gets me conveniently out of the way so she
can have you all to herself, doesn't it? And your attitude now
shows that you wouldn't particularly mind that, would
you?"

I know you're
all thinking at this point 'my God she has truly lost it' and I
can't say I disagree with you, Jack certainly didn't.

"What planet
are you living on?" He looked as irritated and frustrated as Matt
did when I ate the last of the cereal and forgot to buy more and,
believe me, that is the most extreme example out there. "Haley is a
friend of mine and a good deal saner than you which makes hanging
out with her, by comparison, much easier. But that does not mean-"
He continued as he saw me open my mouth to point out that he had
just admitted that he liked Haley over me, "that I would trade in a
second of the time I've spent with you to be with Haley." He paused
to let that sink in and then repeated, "Not a second, do you
understand?"

Seriously, this
boy should work on a bomb squad, talk about diffusing an explosive
situation! Whereas moments before I would have quite happily ripped
his head off I now felt that life as a pile of mush in his hands
wouldn't be all that bad.

I struggled for
a moment or two to remember what my point had been and then, as
some of the blood I was using to blush profusely made its way to my
brain I stammered out, "So…so you don't think she'll tell
anyone?"

"No," Jack said quietly and patiently, "I
know
she won't."

And then,
because I'd had next to no sleep the night before worrying about
the Haley issue and because I'd had a rotten day and was feeling
tired and emotional, I sat down hard on his bed and began to fight
very hard against a wall of tears which had risen up my throat.

Within seconds
Jack was beside me on the bed and I was turning my face in against
his chest and letting him rock me soothingly.

So I'm a
coward, I admit it freely, but how could I have brought up in that
moment that if Haley had guessed about us surely other people would
too? I couldn't bring myself to shatter the illusion we had built
up that we would get away with what we were doing, it was too sweet
a dream.

Chapter
20

The next day
was Saturday and, considering it was mid September, that meant only
one thing, time to put aside the angst and the drama and unite for
one glorious goal – Aussie Rules football!

At least I
hoped that was how things would play out. Matt and Jack were
subdued at breakfast and I knew it was because they were worried
about how the team was going to play with Sam and Michael clearly
with other things on their minds. They left soon after breakfast to
meet up with the other boys and do some pre-match training, and I
finished some uni work.

It was peaceful
in the flat, the weather had improved and the sun was shining in
that superficial way it does in early spring which, although it
doesn't provide much heat, does make things seem cheerier. Still,
as peaceful as the environment seemed, a little bubble of unease
bumped around in my stomach that would not ease up even when I
finished the assignment. Throwing my books aside, I looked around
for something else to do and my eyes fell on the sponge. Perfect!
Determined to stay busy I gave the flat a thorough clean,
preferring scrubbing at the stains on the kitchen counters then
thinking about the fact that it was the 18th of September.

Yep, the next
day was going to be the 19th and I still had no idea how the three
of us within the flat were going to approach it. Would Matt and
Jack simply disappear all day and night like they had done back in
Bridunna? Would I be invited along? I supposed the latter question
would depend upon whether Jack was intending to follow his usual
course and pick up a random girl to forget his troubles with.

The very idea
made my toes curl inside my socks and my hands squeeze the sponge
so tightly I doubted there could be any moisture left within it.
But, I told myself firmly as I had done before, that it wasn't
about me it was about Jack and if sleeping with someone other than
me was going to be the way he found solace then I had no right to
interfere.

Which is all very well for me to
say
but how did I really feel? Sick
to my stomach at the idea of Jack with someone else. Which was so
unbelievably selfish of me considering that my interactions with
him were based on nothing but some stupid arrangement I had bullied
him into. Oh why did I let things get so complicated?

When I had well
and truly run out of things in the flat to take my cathartic
cleaning routine out on, I had a quick shower and dressed in all my
Grover supporting glory. I was a regular at their games, of course,
and so my outfit was down pat, consisting of a pair of jeans, a
Grover's Rovers jersey (which Simone had taken in for me so it
didn't so much resemble a nightie) and a scarf which my mother had
knitted out of blue and green wool to reflect the team's colours. I
drew the line at waving huge pom-poms, but I was still quite
obviously a keen supporter.

I had just
thrown my lip balm, phone, wallet, keys, water bottle, and a
plastic bag (for if the grass was wet from yesterday's rain, I'm a
thinking girl!) into my shoulder bag when there was a brief knock
on the door and Simone came in.