Six Years (31 page)

“I’ll call you a taxi for the train station. I’m sure you’d rather go back home.’’

She nodded and kept quiet while I called the only taxi company around here. She kept her mouth shut while we waited for the cab in her room after she was finished packing. And when the driver honked outside, she bid me goodbye and left without another word and this time, I knew it was for good.

I had hurt her more than I thought and while I knew she didn’t love me, I was pretty sure that her pride took a bad hit. I get it, but I knew it was for the best. My way of doing my best wasn’t even close to good enough, considering how I went behind her back to go to Brooklyn and how I had kept on hurting Brooklyn because of my own fears and hangups, but I was finally growing a pair.

And Brooklyn was mine, just as I knew for sure that I was hers. There weren’t any obstacles left between us.

* * *

BROOKLYN

I was shaking, not sure if I should cry or just go on with my life. A woman I had spent years resenting on behalf of her son and then spent the last couple of weeks admiring for her new found strength had died suffering and alone, leaving behind a son who would always carry the scars of her mistakes, who would always have that open wound.

I snapped out of it and decided to focus on Nolan. It wasn’t about how I felt, but how he felt. I found his number on my phone and sent him a quick text.

Can I see you now? It’s important. Text me back asap.

I untied my apron and threw it in my locker. Before I closed the locker with a frustrated punch that turned my knuckles red, I snatched my handbag and car keys and didn’t wait before I left the bar by the back exit and sprinted to my car, my heart hurting for Nolan. As soon as I was safe in my car, I put my forehead to the stirring wheel.

“Thanks a lot, Mrs. Bell. As if my life wasn’t hard enough.’’

My phone signaled an incoming text. I took a deep breath and peeked at the screen to see Nolan’s answer.

I was about to call. Meet you at your place in ten?

I quickly agreed and turned on my old car which made a painful noise, attracting the attention of the few college age guys hanging out in the parking lot, smoking and talking while scanning some girls walking in the bar. They all turned to me and I flipped them off, as I sped away.

I was only fucking eighteen and I was dealing with more crap than most of them had to deal with. I was tired.

* * *

BROOKLYN

Nolan was already at my door when I walked up the stairs. I wasn’t surprised when I saw his SUV parked in the parking lot. He must know that something happened without actually knowing what that something was. It wasn’t about me, but I would always be the girl he could rely on. Mrs. Bell knew this and that’s why she wanted me to tell him the dreadful news and not some unfamiliar and very clinical person over the phone.

He was leaning against the wall next to the door, his arms crossed and displaying his muscles. His hair was in disarray as if he had spent the last few minutes running a hand into it repeatedly.

He watched me walk to him warily without a word as he nipped at the loop in his lower lip. I didn’t know what to do with myself and played with the keys in my hand until I fumbled to unlock the door and led him in quietly. My back and shoulders were tense, my mouth was dry and I was afraid. If there was one thing I didn’t want it was to see Nolan in pain and no matter what, he would be in pain.

“I wanted to call you, Brooklyn. She…’’

I hold up a hand to stop him and let my handbag hit the ground without looking at what I was doing. I kept my eyes on him. I didn’t want to hear a thing about his ex and it wasn’t the time to talk about that even if I was dying to know if they had the results of her pregnancy test and as I surveyed him, I had no idea if he knew anything.

“That’s not why I wanted to see you.’’ My voice was soft and not very loud. It reflected how I felt. I didn’t want to break the news to him.

He tilted his head on one side, his brows knitting further together. In his eyes I could see him cataloguing everything that could be wrong and realization darkened his eyes as his mouth twisted in a painful bow. He shook his head and he lowered his eyelids, hiding the moisture in there.

“Don’t…’’

“They called me earlier. I’m so sorry, Nolan.’’

He nodded then and dropped his head. One of his hands went to his chest over his heart as if he wanted to dig in and get rid of his pain, of this heartache. His other hand went to his face, over his eyes, but just before he hid himself completely, I saw the trail of tears and I couldn’t keep mine in anymore.

I walked to him and faltered when he tensed as soon as the tip of my fingers came in contact with the nape of his neck as his head was still lowered. I sucked on my breath, afraid to move, but then he looked up and folded me in his arms, his body shaking against mine. He was trying to stay in control and not break down. But he should break down, he had every right to no matter what his reasons were. If he still resented his mother and was mad, it was fine. If he was sad because he never had the chance to truly have a mom, I understood.

“You have every right to cry, Nolan. Just let it go,’’ I whispered in his ear and as soon as I was finished talking, his sobs started and his tears ran down my neck. I hugged him tighter when each and every of his sobs tore at me. A few more tears fell from my eyes. As crazy as it was, I felt his pain echoing in me and it was crushing me.

“It’s too soon,’’ he said with a broken voice, his voice like gravel when his sobs subsided. He kissed my neck and straightened, keeping his hands on my waist. He didn’t dry his face damp from his tears. He just locked his bloodshot eyes with mine, straight on. It was mesmerizing and heart breaking to witness such raw emotions in someone, even more so in a man otherwise always so strong and together. “I was supposed to visit her at this new place.’’

“I know, it’s a shock.’’ I brought a hand to his face and dried the paths of his tears softly. “Are you going to be okay?’’

“I need time, but it’ll be okay.’’ He pulled me to him again and put his forehead against mine and I closed my eyes. It was sweet and intimate without being a prelude to anything more and I loved this. “If you’re with me, I’ll be okay.’’

“You know you can talk to me so—’’

“That’s not what I mean.’’ He pulled away, breaking all contact with me. His body was very close to me, but we weren’t touching anymore and a chill broke out all over me. “I want you.’’

“Nolan, it’s not the right time to talk about this.’’

“Why? My mother messed up her life, she wasted it and didn’t have enough time to right her wrongs with me, only broached it and now it’s too late. I don’t want it to be too late for us and waste what we have.’’

“What about—‘’

“She’s not pregnant.’’ He cut me short and I gaped at him as a small smile broke on his face, a smile that didn’t erase the pain he felt, but that brightened his face some. “She left. At least, I put her in a cab for the first train to New York.’’ He cupped my left cheek and I let hope soar to epic proportion. Adrenalin shot through my veins, my blood rushed and my hands balled the hem of his shirt.

“You’re not having a baby?’’ I wasn’t sure my mind was working at this point.

“I’m not and I’m all yours.’’

“Nolan?’’

“Seriously, Brooklyn. You claim that you’ve always been in love with me and I’m asking to be with you. I love you.’’ I blinked, mute. “Damn it, say something.’’

“I… I…’’ I bit my lower lip and took a deep breath. “We shouldn’t be talking about this now. Nolan, your mother…’’

“Died. I know and I’m not going to stop living. I hurt like hell, Brooklyn, believe me. But I’m not going to let you escape me. I have you and I want to keep you. We have so much to give each other and I know you’re afraid but I swear I will do my best to never hurt you. I’ll do anything to keep you.’’

“Why? Because you think I’d put some distance between us if we’re only friends? I wouldn’t, you know.’’

“Are you even listening to me?’’ He took a hold of my chin and tilted my head up some more. “I love you. I love you like a man loves a woman. I love you with all my heart. I love you with every cell of my being. I don’t care if you don’t know what to do with your life as long as you do know that you want me in it. I don’t care if you want to stay here because I can write anywhere and I’m hell bent on staying around you. I don’t care about these six fucking years that mean nothing anymore. The only things we should care about are our feelings and what we truly want.’’

For years I had dreamt about this day, but never did I ever thought it’d happen or that he would go beyond and above my precious fantasies. His words softened all the doubts in me, healed all the wounds his departure had made and I was feeling whole for the first time. It was dizzying, but I didn’t have to think about it.

“I want you, Nolan. I don’t care if it’s here or in New York or somewhere else. You’re the only one who makes me happy. You’re the only one for me. It’s not a secret.’’

He crushed his mouth to mine, first forcefully as if to brand me and then he softened the brush of his lips against mine. He licked the seam of my lips before he entered my mouth swiftly and I sighed, anchoring myself to him, my life line, my love, my best friend and future. He was my biggest dream and by some miracle I was his biggest dream too.

Six years was a hell of a long time, a hell of an age gap when you’re young, but it was just a number at this moment, a number that we both didn’t care about. We were together, we loved each other and I was happy.

I finally had the proof tha
t
m
y
dreams could come true.

* * *

NOLAN

I snuggled closer to Brooklyn in her uncomfortable bed. I pushed her hips closer to me until her heart-shaped ass was against me. Her back aligned to my still heaving chest and I kissed the crook of her neck. Her skin was so soft there. I inhaled against her and took in the smell of her and me mixed together. I let out a peaceful sigh and kissed her shoulder before I trailed my lips against her skin, needing that contact.

“You okay?’’ she asked in a tired whisper. She entwined our fingers together and my heart swelled even more. How did I ever do without her?

“It’s strange to feel like the happiest man alive and be so fucking sad at the same time. I don’t really know where I am at right now.’’

That day was difficult to process. I went from being scared of becoming a father, to grieving my mother and winning the woman of my dreams. Inside, half of my heart was shredded and the other half was beating hard and fast, very much alive and in one piece, seemingly growing and growing.

“It’ll get better with time. I understand if you need some time. I’m not going anywhere, you know.’’

“What are you talking about?’’ I frowned and pulled back, forcing her to get on her back to focus on her face. Her big brown eyes fixed me with sadness and love. I didn’t know what I did to deserve so much love, but I wouldn’t question it. I had to do everything to deserve it, every day.

“Well, your mother…’’ She got quiet and caressed my cheek covered by my whiskers. “It’s going to be tough to process. You have to focus on yourself for a little while.’’

“I had you by my side when I had to face her, you pushed me on to finally confront her and now that she’s gone you’re here with me. That’s all I need. I don’t need time away from you to grieve. I need time in your arms, with you. I need you. Always.’’ I brushed away some hair from her face and kissed her soft lips softly. “Don’t you get it? You’re my life, Brooklyn.’’

Her big brown eyes turned bright with emotions and I got choked up. I was the man I wanted to become with the person I had always needed. At last.

NOLAN

“Sit.’’

She complied and she looked perfect on my couch. Actually, I was pretty sure she’d look beyond perfect and downright edible naked in my bedroom. I
n
ou
r
bedroom. We had just walked into my apartment after a long drive from Riverdale, but before giving her a tour of what would be our apartment for a little while until we could decide to pick something together, I needed to show her something. It was fucking time.

“You’re bossy.’’

I walked to the bookshelves that covered one wall in the living room and knelt to reach the bottom shelf where I kept all my books. “You like it, don’t deny it.’’ I smiled at her over my shoulder.

“Depends on the situation, but it doesn’t look like anything sexual.’’ She laughed and it lit me up from the inside. She was laughing more and more these days and it made me proud to think that I was one of the reasons that she was always smiling and often laughing.

“I can spin pretty much anything into sex, Brooklyn. I’m a guy.’’ I chuckled and grabbed my books before walking back to her.

Her smile was still on her lips, but her eyes were fixed on the books in my arms. When she saw the titles, she sat straighter and her smile froze a little on her face. “Nolan?’’

I put the books between us on the couch and I grabbed her hands in mine. I traced soothing patterns on them with my thumbs. “Remember when I told you that I dedicated all my books to you?’’

“I remember.’’ Her smile softened. She squeezed my hands, encouraging me to start talking again.

Oddly, my heart started beating faster. I knew she needed to know how I had never forgotten her over the six years we had spent apart, but it was difficult to bring that period back. I had hurt her more than I thought possible and I had hurt myself and lost myself when I turned my back on her.

“Go ahead. You’ll see that no matter what, I had always loved you. Back then it was like a best friend and family, but it was love nonetheless. You have always loved me, but I have too. And you were there for me, even if only by memory.’’

I released her hands and watched her pick up the first book.

* * *

BROOKLYN

I opened the book and found the dedication page.

To Little B,

This book is for you. You’ve always believed in me and because of you I want to be more, to be worthy of your faith. Thank you for being you.

I looked up to Nolan and the intensity in his eyes made me lose my breath. I gasped and let a tear fall for the young girl I had been and who had thought that I must not have been that important to him. I now knew that I had always been very close to him and it hadn’t been just a figment of my imagination, but that dedication was the proof I didn’t know I needed to let that old wound heal and finally disappear.

“Read the others,’’ he said in a whisper and bit on his lip ring.

I grabbed another one and another tear fell.

To Little B.

You’re the only good memory I have from home. I hope you’re proud of what I’ve become.

“Even if you hadn’t published a book I’d be proud of you, Nolan. Always.’’

He leaned closer to me and kissed my forehead. But he said nothing. I saw his Adam’s Apple jumping in his throat, and I knew it was as overwhelming for him as it was for me.

I took the other one.

Little B,

You’re never far from my mind. When I write I always wonder if you’d approve and that pushes me on. You’re my motivation.

The others were the same. They’re all dedicated to me and only me.

Little B,

Another book and another dedication for you. I’m a writer and yet I never know how to express what I feel whenever I think about you. Maybe you’ll understand this
;
you’re my Little B.

Little B,

I’m sorry for everything.

Little B,

In my head we’ll always be Big No and Little B. I hope we are in yours, too.

I closed the last book and put them on the coffee table, tears blinding me. I dried my face and turned to Nolan. He closed the gap between us and put his hands on each side of my face. With his thumbs he dried the tears under my eyes, very softly.

“I’ve never forgotten you. Ever.’’

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him to me. Just before our lips touched I put my forehead against his. “Thank you.’’

“I messed up and hurt you and I can never apologize enough, but you have to understand that you’ve always been in my heart. You’re a part of me, the best part.’’

“I love you, Nolan.’’

“I love you so fucking much. I will never turn my back on you again.’’

I nodded and let him kiss me. I felt our love, our years of friendships, our hopes and dreams in that kiss and it curled my toes.

Knowing that he had hurt too from that separation comforted me and soothed the last of my rough edges. Life had been tough on us both for different reasons and the important thing was that we were back in each other’s life and this time…this time is was deeper and didn’t have an expiration date.

Oh! And I had new dreams too, starting by sending a few demos to some small music labels. Who knew, maybe I could achieve more dreams now that I had the most important one.

The rest would find a way either with my parents or Nolan’s grief. We just needed time.