Six Years (18 page)

I clenched my jaw and glared at her. “Don’t think of playing that game.’’

“What game? I don’t—‘’

“You don’t know jack about Brooklyn and I. You don’t know jack about my life today, and not much more about my life when I was still here in Riverdale. You were too fucking high!’’

“You’re right, but I have eyes and I’m clean now. I saw the way you two interacted with each other when you visited me at my apartment and I talked with Brooklyn about you. I’m dying, Nolan, but I’m not blind.’’

“Stop.’’

“I don’t want you to have regrets. About Brooklyn and… and about me.’’

I swallowed past the growing lump in my throat and blinked hard to push away the prickling tears in my eyes. “I will never understand why you loved your drugs more than your own son. I can’t see how you could make this right.’’ I stood up and turned around, ready to break down.

“Nolan!’’ she called out my name, but I didn’t stop. I opened the door and ran away as I let the first tears fall. I needed to get away from prying eyes, away from her. I ran to the staircase, by-passing the crowded elevator. I needed to get away before I let out the agonizing scream building in my guts. Seeing her didn’t change anything.

* * *

BROOKLYN

I was so tired that I almost felt drunk as I climbed up the steps that led to my apartment. All my muscles were screaming in agony. My eyes had a hard time staying open. It was a miracle that I had been able to drive home without a scratch. But at two in the morning, thankfully there were very few cars on the roads.

Finally making it to my floor, my keys made a deafening sound in the quiet of the early morning and I cringed, afraid that my neighbors would hear it. After all, the walls weren't that thick.

"Are you drunk?"

I yelped and frantically tried to grab my pepper spray that was stuck in my shorts pocket
.
Fucking pocket
!
At this rate I could have been raped or killed...or both.

"Calm down!" the man admonished me, my tired mind finally catching up. I sagged against the wall, my hands limp along my body while my keys fell to the ground. My pepper spray never left my pocket.

"Are you insane, Nolan? It's past two in the morning!" I whispered between ragged breaths. Adrenaline was now pumping hard through me and my tiredness was relegated to the background. I grabbed my keys at my feet and walked up to him. He was leaning against my door, casual and yet, the tension in his shoulders told another story. Just like the red in his eyes. He didn’t look too great.

"I called the bar and they told me you finished around two."

I shook my head and opened the door. I stepped inside and lit the two lamps on each side of my small couch. The yellowish glow made me squint, but I said nothing. If he was here it meant that he needed to talk and I wouldn't be so cold as to push him away.

I watched him walk in and sit on the couch. His steps were heavy, his shoulders tense and his eyes rimmed with red. “Are you okay?"

"I saw her," he answered with a flat voice that put me on high alert. He kept his eyes on his hands, hands that were gripping his strong thighs with a desperation that softened me some more.

I quickly rounded the couch and sat next to him. If we weren't screwing everything up with our weird behavior, I'd have him in a fierce hug by now. Instead, I put a hand on his forearm, trying to give him some of my strength. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's not much to say." He sighed and released his grip on his thighs. He leaned back on the couch and locked his eyes with mine. Every time he looked into my eyes, my breath caught in my throat and I shivered. "But we talked about you."

I laughed shyly and pulled away. I couldn't touch him too long, not when my mind was assaulted by images I shouldn't even have in my head. A patchwork of the best pictures of my fantasies with Nolan as the male lead.

"I bet she's my best advocate," I said, trying to muster my best teasing tone, but it fell flat. I wanted to know about his girlfriend, what had he told her the other night. And if he wouldn't talk about this, I wanted to know how he felt after seeing his mother. By the look on his face, it shook him even more than he thought it would.

"She told me that I'm lucky to have someone in my life who's always been there for me, even after all these years apart. She told me that not many people can say that they have a friend that will put the other’s happiness before their own." His eyes never left mine and while I heard his words, I had a hard time processing them. "She also told me that I am a fool for staying with Lena when it’s obvious that I don't have a real connection with her, not like the one I have with you.’’

I cleared my throat. “Do you want to marry Lena?" I asked the question breathlessly. It kept me awake at night, my heart could be shattered for good depending his answer. I fisted my hands tightly.

He took a deep breath, frowning. “I thought I wanted to. Not anymore."

I released my breath and blinked to chase away tears of relief that were threatening to fall. "Does she know that?"

"She does now." He took a deep breath and tugged on his lip ring before he spoke again, leaving me in a mess of nerves. "Before I went to the hospital, I was at the hotel and I finally told her that it was over. She left."

"So...?"

"So..." he started before he grabbed my hand in his and entwined our fingers together. The warmth of his touch chased away the cold fear I was trapped in. "I don't know what to think about this thing between us. It's still hard for me to realize that you grew up and that you're the same woman I want so badly. I don't know where it's going or if it's going anywhere at all, but I need you in my life. I’d forgotten how you ground me, how you bring some peace in my life when everything else is a mess and I need that. I need you so much that I'd do anything to keep you in my life, however you want to be in my life."

The last time something like this happened, it was in one of my dreams. Never in a million years did I ever think he'd say something of that kind to me, but I had to face the reality. We kissed after all, we even came close to having sex together and it was the reality, a reality that scared me. When the one thing you want the most in your life was finally happening, you couldn’t help but feel the overpowering fear. He was the one person able to scar me, he already had in the past. And really, he would leave soon, go back to his life in New York while I would still be the waitress in the crappy joint in a crappy small town nobody heard of. I couldn't indulge in a simple fling because Nolan was anything but a fling. My heart was all in and once my body would be, I'd be lost in him. I couldn't do casual with him and casual was the only thing possible for us.

I pulled away and ignored the squeeze of my heart in my chest. I looked away from his hazel eyes I’d spent years yearning, the same eyes that had always been so soft and understanding to me, but were now showing me something else whenever they were trained on me; desire and lust.

"You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear something like this, but now..."

"You feel it too, Brooklyn. You have to feel this attraction between us."

"For you it's just attraction, but for me it's so much more. It's not just about sex and how much I want you to sleep with me, but it's about getting as close to you as possible, exposing myself fully and I'm not talking about just my body."

He leaned closer to me, trying to close the space between us and it made my heart flutter. It was undeniable, he was looking at me like a man did a woman, but now that I had this, I had a reality check. It was easy to dream and hope, but you couldn't forget real life and the obstacles. Moreover, I wasn't even sure what Nolan felt.

"Between us it can't be just sex," he said roughly, his voice deeper as is eyes darkened at our proximity. His breathing fanned my face and goosebumps appeared on my skin. I shivered but didn't try to hide it. "We've got a past and it's bound to make things more complicated."

I tilted my head and never looked away from his face, but it was damn hard not to focus solely on his lips, slightly parted. "How do you feel about me? I need to know and prepare myself."

"Prepare yourself for what?" he asked, leaning back slightly. His eyebrows arched as his lip ring disappeared in his mouth, that same mouth that I craved more and more.

"To have my heart broken."

With his free hand, he cupped my face, tilting it up just a notch. Our eyes locked once more, with more intensity. I knew he saw everything about me
,
everythin
g
, and it was both thrilling and frightening. I couldn't hide even if I wanted and the beauty of this was that I knew what he saw in me, whatever it was, wouldn't make him run. He always accepted me as I was, with my flaws and qualities.

"I won't break your heart because it would break mine," he whispered, his words caressing me. I closed my eyes and with my hand still in my lap, I put it to his chest, over his fast beating heart.

"That's when I remember you're a writer. Nobody talks like this," I said softly, teasing to break the huge moment and find some composure when all I wanted was to be in his arms to never crawl back out. I reopened my eyes when his thumb traced my jaw to stop just below my lower lip.

His eyes were burning into me, burning my lips in the most delicious way as my breathing got faster and faster. "I never talk like this either." His smile brightened his face, making me almost forget that his eyes were red from crying, that he was lost after seeing his mother and that in all this mess, dealing with the situation between us was the easier part of it all.

"Promise me you’ll be honest with me, even if you know it'll hurt me. I don't want to..."I sighed and pulled away. I needed just a little space between us. "I have feelings for you and I know you don't share them. I don't want you to make me believe that there's more on your part than there really is."

He stiffened and his face hardened. "I'm not that kind of player, Brooklyn. All of this is weird for me because I never thought I'd feel this attraction for you. I thought I'd feel like a big brother of some sort once I saw you again, but it's not how it is and it's complicated. And even if it doesn't mean a thing to you, there's this age difference bothering me. But all of this don't mean I don't feel something for you. You're the most important person in my life, even after six years."

A small smile stretched my lips. It was small and yet inside I was bursting with happiness, but I wanted to keep it locked inside to avoid letting it slip away from me. In my life, nothing was easy, nothing was beautiful so now that I had this, us, I wanted to cherish it inside me.

"So what are we doing now?" I asked, my fingers laced together on my lap. I wanted to grab him and kiss the hell out of him, but I knew that now there was nothing to stop us going further and I wanted it to go further, but I didn't want to ruin things by going too fast. I had waited for so long that I wanted it to be as close to perfection as possible. Down the road, I didn't want to regret it.

He chuckled and bit on his lip ring, his eyes scanning my face very thoroughly. The air sizzled again and goosebumps appeared all over my sun kissed skin. "I guess the right thing to do would be to invite you out for a proper date. Dinner and a movie or something like that. What do you think?"

"A date with the famous Nolan Bell," I whispered softly. It felt surreal. For so long I thought I would never see him again and here I was, about to agree to go on a date with my all time crush. If it was a dream, I hoped to never wake up and stay in this blissful haze, so much better than my reality.

"No, Brooklyn, go on a date with me, Nolan. Just me," he said gruffly, his voice deep and raw. His hazel eyes on me, pierced me to my bones and deeper even. I shivered and let him grab my hand. He entwined our fingers and his warmth invaded me once again. "I don't want you to think about me as a writer."

"Why? It was your dream."

"Yes, but these last couple of years, people have started to hang out with me because of my connections, because of what they think is a glamorous life or some bullshit like that, when in reality I stay mostly locked away writing. I don't want that to taint this between us."

I squeezed his fingers between mine and smiled sadly. Even dreams had their downside and it made me sad to know that he suffered for his success. I bumped my shoulder into his. "I should confess something then."

"Something shameful? Scandalous?"

"Wipe that mischievous smile off your face, it's not what you think," I laughed, but quickly lost my smile. "I have yet to read your books. I never bought even one. It was too painful to see your dream come true and not be a part of it so I never got around to buying one of them."

His eyebrows shot up high on his wide forehead and he ran a hand through his wavy hair. "It's weird to think you were the only one rooting for me back then and yet you're one of the few people around town who have never read even one book."

"Are you mad?"

"Of course not. I'm just surprised, but I shouldn't be. It's understandable." He fell silent, his eyes lost focus. His lip ring was bobbing in and out of his mouth, the silver catching the weak light and I had a hard time looking away. "Whenever I write, I think about you. You should check out the dedications next time you go to a bookstore."