Six Years (14 page)

"What do you want me to say?"

"Nothing. Just leave." I blinked a few times to push away the tears welling up in my eyes, but it didn't work and two lonely tears fell silently down my cheeks. "There is something between us that is more than friendship and you feel it, but you don't want to acknowledge it and it's hurting me. I won't let you hurt me like this, even if letting you go makes me feel like I'm suffocating."

I could hear him walking, probably going to the door. I stiffened, but fought off the urge to call him back, to beg him to stay with me and love me because you can't beg someone to face their feelings, if it was love and not just lust he felt. But he wasn't leaving. He rounded the couch and sat next to me, his body as stiff as mine.

He was looking at his hands crossed on his lap, his eyes troubled. I hated to see him so troubled, but it could be easy if only he told me the truth of how he felt. "I don't want to leave you," he whispered with a hitch in his voice, as if it was hard for him to mutter these words that made my heart beat faster in my chest.

"Why's that?"

He locked his eyes with mine and that sizzling connection was back again, burning me and probably burning him too. It couldn't be one-sided, not when it was so all-consuming. "You wouldn’t understand."

"Try me."

"When I think about you, I remember you with pigtails, running around giggling over some silly thing, or that time when you asked me about kissing a boy when I had been fucking every girl who wanted me. That's that gap that I can't shake off my memory and I don't understand how I can want you so bad, want to have you under me, squirming, thriving while I thrust deep in you. You're beautiful and sexy and perfect, but you're eighteen and I knew you when you were a kid."

"And you have a girlfriend you love."

He cringed at my mention of her, but said nothing to contradict me. I should be delighted or on cloud nine at knowing that he wanted me so badly, but it was my body he wanted. Not me. "I have a girlfriend."

"Don't worry, I won't tell her."

"I know, you're not like that."

We fell silent and it was hard and cold and heavy with all the things unsaid and unexplored. That was it, my only chance to be with him, even for one night, gone. Maybe it was for the best. It would have been so much harder to make love with him and be left alone to deal with the aftermath. Kissing him was complicated enough because from now on I would always compare kisses to the few ones he gave me. So sleeping with him! That kind of connection would put a dent in me and I didn't need another one.

“Just go, Nolan." I closed my eyes when it stung my heart so badly. "Please."

"Look at me,’’ he asked me softly.

I opened my eyes and focused over his shoulder instead of his face. "Can you leave and put an end to it? It hurts badly enough."

"Tell me it doesn't mean that you're crossing me out your life."

"Right now, I need some time to calm down. Call me in a few weeks."

"Weeks?"

"What do you think? Nolan, I've been in love with you for most of my life. Do you think it's easy to cope? It kills me to think about you in bed with your girlfriend, but I have nothing to say about it. I need time."

"Nothing happened."

"What do you..."

"Since I saw you again, nothing happened with her. I can't... I don't know."

"Do you love her?"

"I thought I did, but it's nothing compared to this with you and I don't even know what this is."

"Nolan?"

He stood up abruptly and walked to the door. "I need to go," he mumbled with his back to me as he suddenly left my tiny apartment without a glance back. He ran away
.
He's scared
.
And maybe nothing is lost after all.

* * *

NOLAN

I couldn’t stay away from her.

It was useless to ignore that fucked up fact. Yes, I did have a hard time forgetting our age gap, yes I did have a girlfriend and yes I did think it was fucked up what was going between us and I was disgusted with myself for it, but I…It’s impossible for me to resist her, to not want her.

I had never wanted another woman so fiercely before, so overwhelmingly. She’s tied to me, to my past and to everything that I had become. I couldn’t think of my career without thinking of her, couldn’t look around my apartment in Manhattan without wishing to have seen her face when I bought it. And now, now that I had a taste of her I couldn’t kiss or touch my girlfriend without thinking of Brooklyn or comparing it to what that girl I’d known for years made me feel with just a fucking look, a light caress of her hands and a brush of her plump lips. And the way she played with my piercing…

That thought alone made me falter as I made my way back to the hotel after I parked. My cock jumped against my zipper and I growled. I locked my jaw and nodded to the man at the front desk and made my way to the elevator. All the while, I kept trying to push away the thoughts of Brooklyn, the taste of her, the sounds she had made and the smell of her. I didn’t need that shit when I was about to face my very pissed off girlfriend.

In front of the door I paused and shook my head, feeling myself finally soften. Brooklyn made me hard, but seeing Lena made me soft. I’d hit a new low.

I opened the door and took only a step before Lena frowned at me and sighed.

“You’re finally back. Where were you?’’

I leaned against the door and let my head hang between my shoulders. I couldn’t keep up a front. I didn’t even know what to say. Fuck, I kept on kissing another girl when I was in a committed relationship. Lena deserved better than that even though the last couple of months had been rough between us. She deserved better and I thought I was better than that.

“I was with Brooklyn.’’

She scoffed and went back to her laptop with a glower on her face. Apparently I didn’t have to worry about pushing her away and the sex. She obviously wasn’t in the mood either.

“I don’t see what you see in that girl. She’s small town trash all over.’’

“Don’t talk about her like that, Lena. You don’t know shit,’’ I bit back.

“I see the way she looks at you, that’s enough for me. And you keep on ditching me to go and spend time with her. Seriously, Nolan, what’s wrong with you here?’’

I rubbed at my neck, but the tension wasn’t easing up. “I need a shower.’’ And that was that. I padded to the bathroom, feeling Lena’s eyes on my back as my thoughts were going back to that last kiss with Brooklyn and how, in my guts, I regretted not touching her breast.

My cock hardened immediately. I stripped off my clothes and jumped under the lukewarm water, my hand drifting south on its own until I fisted my hard length and pumped myself. My teeth sunk in my lower lip to keep in the rising growl coming from deep inside me as my fantasy took form behind my closed eyelids. My fingers tightened around my cock and I moved faster. My breathing became shorter. My thighs tensed and my abs flexed. I was so close. So fucking close.

Quietly, under my breath, I mumbled a name and it wasn’t the name of the girl waiting in the other room.

In my mind, I pictured Brooklyn’s sounds as she came and I jerked in my hand, coming and coming.

Something had to give.

"
Why don't you want to let me read it?" I whined and pouted on his bed. He was scribbling in his old notebook at his desk. It'd been two hours of watching him write, his knuckles now white after so long at holding a crappy pen. These last few months he had spent more time writing and I loved watching him even if he never let me read his stories.

"Because it's not suitable for your age and it's not finished," he replied distractedly as he re-read something. He shook his head and closed his notebook before he threw his pen on the desk. It rolled and rolled before it fell, but he didn't care. He massaged his neck and went to sit beside me on his big bed.

"Always the thing with my age," I mumbled before I laid down, my eyes now on the cracked ceiling.

"I'm working on a thriller, Little B. It's far from the sweet Harry Potter."

"Shut up, people die in Harry Potter," I retorted and realized too late how juvenile I sounded. I blushed, but didn't try to hide it. It was pointless.

He chuckled and gathered me in his arms, both of us lying on his bed over the covers now wrinkled. "You're cute. Maybe one day you'll read my books after you bought them in a store."

"What? You wouldn't give me one for free! Or dedicate it to me!’’ I could see his face in the corner of my eye and he seemed amused.

"I would dedicate them all to you. You're my number one fan after all."

"I can't wait to see your books in stores. It's going to be so amazing!"

"Don't get too enthusiastic, Little B. I have to land an agent for that and then a publisher. It might take me a decade before it happens."

"It won't take that long."

"Why do you say that? You have yet to read my stuff."

"I believe in you."

His heart beat a little bit louder and faster under my ear and he squeezed me closer to him, his big hand wrapped around my shoulder, caging me protectively against him. I loved to be so close to him, as if the world could end around us, but nothing could touch us. I knew how silly it was to think that way, but it made me feel good, even if just for a couple of minutes.

"I won't disappoint you."

I chuckled and punched him lightly in his flat stomach. "You couldn't disappoint me even if you wanted."

"Why don't I have you as my sister?"

It hurt to be reminded how he saw me. Sister. I covered my pain with a shaky laugh and closed my eyes. That was hard, but at the same time, I had him in my life and without him, my life wouldn't be that great. I had friends, but it wasn't like what I had with Nolan. It was special and even if it wasn't what I wanted, it was so much more than I expected when I met him years ago outside my window.

"Future best selling author," I whispered against his chest and he laughed, kissing the top of my head.

BROOKLYN

"And you often play at the bar?"

"Once a month. I had to convince my boss, but he saw that it was drawing quite the crowd. They can ask me to play any song and it lasts thirty minutes to an hour. It's fun and that way I don't feel like wasting away my passion and I get to do what I love doing rather than just playing at home."

Mrs. Bell nodded with a calm smile. As soon as she saw me about to climb the stairs after my shift, she asked me to come and have some tea with her. I had never drank so much tea in my life than this past week, and at the same time, I never had to go pee so much, but at least, I was keeping my flat stomach despite eating way more junk food than usual.

I had spent the day overanalyzing what happened the previous night with Nolan. Of course, he had yet to show himself but knowing that he ran back to his girlfriend was taking its toll on me. I had barely slept and I had been grumpy all day, not earning myself many tips. But when Mrs. Bell asked me to join her, I couldn't say no. And hearing her labored breathing today, I didn't regret it.

"That's great. I'd like to hear you play one day, but I'm not up to going to the bar."

"I'll give you a private gig," I said with a smile.

"You're such a sweet girl, Brooklyn." She coughed and her breathing got heavier, louder, whizzier. Something was not right. "I..." she coughed some more, unable to mutter another word.

I took out my phone with shaking hands. "Do you want me to call 911? Just nod if you want." At her feeble nod and a new round of mean sounding coughs, I dialed in a daze, giving some info to the nice lady who was trying to use a soothing voice to calm me and keep me sane enough to be efficient.

Not even five minutes later, knocks at the door spurred me to move and leave Mrs. Bell's side who was barely hanging onto her consciousness. It was obvious she wasn't breathing correctly. I opened the door and found two paramedics, two males middle aged.

I let them inside after a quick word and watched them taking Mrs. Bell's vitals which weren't that good. Her heartbeats were too fast from her nerves at feeling herself suffocating. They put an oxygen mask on her face and talked to her all the while, explaining that they needed to drive her to the hospital.

The taller one led me to the tiny kitchen by the elbow, his hand authoritative but reassuring. "Miss, is she your mother?"

"Hmm, no, no. She's my neighbor and a friend's mother. Do you think she's going to be okay?" I asked, my eyes unable to stray from her thin shadow as the other medic was checking her vitals again that were starting to improve with the help of the oxygen.

"She's very ill. According to the info we have, her cancer is in the late stage and that kind of episode won't stop. At the hospital they will monitor her for a few days, adjust her medicines and keep her on oxygen. Maybe you'd like to call her family."

Nolan. Should I call him? "Can I ride in the ambulance? I'll call once she's settled."

He nodded and I followed them. In no time, we were in the ambulance and I had her thin, cold hand in mine. She was looking at me with unshed tears and fear. I knew exactly what her fear was. She wanted to talk with her son before she was gone. I squeezed her hand.

"I'm here." But I wasn't the one she needed.

She blinked and nodded. A tear fell and I felt it in my bones.

* * *

BROOKLYN

"Excuse me," I stopped a young nurse with a high ponytail. She slowed down and smiled at me with closed lip. She looked exhausted, but she was nice enough not to ignore me. "Do you know when Mrs. Bell will be in her room? I know they're running tests but..."

"She'll be back in an hour or so. You can go grab something to eat or drink if you want."

I thanked her and let her go back to her work as an older nurse was signaling her over down the hall. I sagged back on the uncomfortable chair in the cold waiting room where an older couple was silently waiting and a young woman sniffled while hugging a stuffed animal that belonged to a kid, maybe her kid.

It was a small hospital considering our town wasn't big, but it was still a hospital with its creepy factor and I was alone dealing with something tough. I was tired after my long shift today and cranky and afraid and I didn't know what to say if I called Nolan. It was such a mess.

I stood back up and walked down the hall toward a more secluded part of the hospital. Hopefully, nobody would mind me making a call here. I grabbed my phone in my brown leather handbag and fumbled to find Nolan's number.

After three excruciatingly long rings, his voice rumbled into my ear with cautiousness. "You're calling."

I wasn't expecting longing to hit me so viciously at such a time, but it did. I tightened my grip on my phone and looked around me. A doctor walked by, his focus solely on his clipboard.

"Listen, it has nothing to do with what happened. I was with your mother an hour ago and she wasn't feeling good. She started to cough badly so I called 911. They put her on oxygen, which seemed to help."

I could hear him breathing, but that was all. But then I heard movement, the faint sound of his clothes. "Where are you? At the hospital?"

"Yes. She won't be back to her room for an hour still. You should come, Nolan. It's getting worse and even if there's shit going on in your head about your past, you can't lose that precious time."

"Don't push me around. You know it's hard for me."

I leaned against the immaculate wall. He was so stubborn sometimes. "Whatever. I'm staying." And I hung up without waiting for his next excuse. He had to man up and fast if he didn't want to live the rest of his life with the worst regret of his life.

I walked back to the nurse’s desk where another one was filling out some forms. She looked up with a frown marring her middle aged face too wrinkled around the scowl of her mouth. She didn't ask me what I wanted, just waited for me to open my mouth. Cheery woman.

"Could you tell me where I could grab a coffee?"

She pointed down the other side of the hall without a word before she focused again on her files. That woman was not one I wanted to face again or I would find myself being as disagreeable as she was.

I turned around and went on my way grabbing a few bucks from my wallet to feed the machine. After a minute, I walked back to the waiting room with my coffee in hand. Of course, it tasted awful, but the warmth was welcomed. I felt so cold. It must be the nerves.

The woman with the stuffed animal wasn't there anymore, but the elderly couple were still there talking in hushed voice. The only time I was sent to the hospital was when I broke my arm when I was seven. I hadn't been in here long, but it had been enough to make me fearful of everything medical. The smell, the people, the overall sadness... It was too much for me. And today was no exception as I was waiting for news, knowing that no matter what, Mrs. Bell would die not long from now. I sipped the last drop of my tasteless coffee but was startled when someone put their hand on me, a huge and warm hand I knew very well.

"You're still here?" he asked me softly. He knelt in front of me, bringing his face to the same level as mine. His eyes were sad and lost. "You didn’t need to wait."

I shrugged and looked over his shoulder and frowned. His girlfriend was here, scowling at me, ruining her sophisticated good look. "I couldn't leave her alone." I shook my head and looked back at him, trying to forget that he brought her here. I shouldn't have been surprised, though. After all, you're supposed to share crappy things with the person you're with too. They should be there to support you.

"Thank you" he said and he meant it. His hand retreated and he stood up. I followed and nodded at his girlfriend but she didn't return it. She was older than me and yet, I was showing more maturity than her. Crazy bitch. "Where's her room?"

"I don't know yet. They're supposed to come here once they're finished with the tests. The doctor will tell you then." I shouldered my handbag and put my phone in my purse.

"Wait," he stopped me and grabbed my wrist before I could walk away. "You're not leaving, are you?"

I glanced quickly at his girlfriend whose scowl got even more pronounced. "You're not alone, don't worry. Just update me on her status and I'll stop by tomorrow to see her."

I pulled away and when I walked past her, she sneered at me. I looked back at Nolan and this time he saw it. He narrowed his eyes on her, but I shrugged it off. It wasn't important right now.

"I'll take care of him," she whispered snidely for only me to hear and I faltered a little bit at the underlying meaning, but I didn't give her the satisfaction of letting it show how hurt I was. I didn't want to fight and I wouldn’t. I played my part and he knew my feelings for him. The ball was in his court.

* * *

NOLAN

As soon as Brooklyn disappeared from view, I narrowed my eyes on Lena again. She’s frowning at me. I shouldn’t feel like defending and taking Brooklyn’s side, but fuck! Brooklyn didn’t deserve any shit coming from Lena. I should be the one Lena was angry at.

“It’s not Brooklyn’s fault if we have issues, Lena.’’

She scoffed at me and sat at the first available chair in the waiting room. Her expensive purse fell at her feet and she crossed her tiny arms. “It’s funny because since she’s back in your life it’s been worse between us.’’

I sighed and sat next to her, my teeth tugging nervously on my lip ring. “Let’s be honest, Lena.’’ She turned to me, her eyes losing their sharp edge. “The last two months have been strained.’’

She looked away and shook her head, slowly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Nolan. I just want us to go home.’’

I focused on the to-ings and fro-ings of doctors and nurses further down the hall, unsure of what to expect. Everything was such a mess. I briefly closed my eyes and a kaleidoscope of images popped behind my eyelids. Brooklyn, my mother, Lena, the book I didn’t seem able to finish…

I put my elbows on my thighs and covered my head with my hands. “Lena…’’

“What?’’ The hesitation in her tiny voice gave me pause.

“Nothing.’’ I shook my head and sat up. When Brooklyn called I was about to tell Lena everything that had happened, but now…We’re in the fucking hospital and about to see my dying mother. I swallowed thickly at the thought of facing her again. The last time I talked to her was still etched in my mind, painful. Just the mention of her was painful, really.

“Mr. Bell?’’

I stood up and came face to face with a doctor, probably the one in charge of my mother. He seemed to be in his fifties with his average build, the discreet wrinkles around his eyes and greying hair.

“Yes. Do you have any news?’’

He frowned behind his thick glasses as he read again his clipboard. “Mrs. Bell is sedated, but her vitals are better. Her oxygen level in her blood is slowly rising over ninety percent. Her blood-pressure is still low right now, but it’s understandable considering her medication.’’

“She’s not…not…’’

The doctor smiled sadly and I wanted to punch him. I didn’t need his pity, didn’t need his faux concern. I didn’t even know what I was doing here!

“The episode is over now. She’ll be better tomorrow, but I think her exhaustion and overall weakness are not to be overlooked.’’

Lena put one of her dainty hands on my arm and I tensed. I didn’t want to feel her comfort. She didn’t understand a fucking thing. She didn’t know what my mother did to me. She never even knew what kind of upbringing I had had up until a few days ago. I should have told her everything when it started to get serious between us, but I’d always kept my past life private.

I cleared my throat. “I see. Can I see her?’’

He nodded. “Of course, Mr. Bell. You can visit for a few minutes, but as I said, she’s asleep.’’ He gave me her room number and walked away after a stiff nod.

“Wait for me here, Lena. It won’t take long.’’

“What? Nolan, I’ve been waiting with you.’’

I glared at her, feeling my scowl deepening. “My mother is dying here, Lena! Give me some space!’’

She recoiled, her eyes sending daggers. “There’s something seriously wrong with you, Nolan. I don’t know if it’s that Brooklyn or being here in Riverdale, but you’re an asshole.’’