Six Years (5 page)

BROOKLY
N

When you lived in a small town you realized early on that you could never be really alone and anyone could easily find you. Yet, that was all I craved for once; being alone. I didn't want people around here to wave at me or exchange a few words with me, but it was foolish of me to think it would happen.

After Nolan left my bedroom, I went for a walk and ended up on a bench in the park, soaking up the hot rays of the sun. My skin was warm and tingled and just for a few minutes, I could forget everything and just enjoy the emptiness of my mind. Just a little bit.

There were no parents ignoring me, no pathetic love life, no Nolan back in my life to mess with my head and my emotions. There was nothing but the warmth of the sun, the birds singing in the trees close by and the faint sound of the cars passing by not far from where I was sitting. It was relaxing.

"At least, some things haven’t changed."

I opened my eyes suddenly at his deep voice troubling my temporary peace. My heart took off and with it, the air in my lungs. Nolan was standing in front of me. Both of his hands in his pockets and his hazel eyes fixed on me. He was every bit the Nolan I remembered even if he was older and wore expensive clothes.

"What do you mean?"

He gazed around and sat beside me, careful not to touch me. I bit back the wave of words about to break free from the seal of my lips. It would be useless to point out that six years ago he'd sit close to me with his big arm draped around my shoulders.

"You used to bike here after school when something bothered you." It was eerie to have him here today and still know these things about me. I waved a bee away from my face and sighed. "I'd love to know what you think, Brooklyn. You've got this deep frown on your face."

I chuckled, but it sounded all wrong and I felt him tense beside me. His shoulder bumped into mine and just this tiny touch, very innocent in itself, stole my breath. And then, coming from the hurt and pain I felt all these years ago, anger took a hold of me.

"You should get lost, Nolan. We fooled each other last night. We're not friends anymore, you have no right to judge me and my life and I'm not really sure that I want to catch up with you, not after the way you left."

He grunted and bit on his lip ring, turning his fair skin into an angry red. "What do you want me to do to fix this? Damn it! I know I fucked up, Little B, but I was eighteen. My life was a mess, I hated my mother and all I could think about was to be finally free from all of this. The only drawback was you, but I knew you'd be strong enough to replace me. Tell me you understand. Last night was great, wasn’t it?’’

I couldn't look away from his face. He wasn't the kind of guy, of man, to be open with people, but with me it had always been very different. Just now, his hazel eyes were bright, unyielding and pleading with me, begging me to accept him. His lip ring was jumping in and out of his mouth and even through my irritation, lust made an appearance to mess some more with my jumbled emotions.

"I understand your reasons for leaving. That's not even the point." I sighed and looked away, not really seeing the little girl running around her mother who was on the phone laughing. All I could feel was that guy who had been my world once upon a time. For the last five years or so, I'd always felt like I had some control over my life, but that thing with Nolan made me feel like the twelve years old he left behind. "You have no idea what it did to me when I read your letter. You don’t have a fucking clue."

I took a deep breath to calm down. My lungs were on fire, just like I was. I wanted to scream, yell and even slap him, but it was just my hurt talking.

"Tell me." He put a tentative hand on my shoulder and I shivered. Even my body betrayed me. Fucking perfect.

"You don't want to know, Nolan. It's all in the past."

"It's not in the past if it's between us and a new friendship. Talk to me, Little B."

I bit my tongue and blinked to chase away the tears fast coming at hearing him say my nickname. I've never been as emotional as I was since he came back. I was a mess of emotions and I hated feeling this weak, feeling so much at once. "I think you're the only one who doesn't know that I loved you back then." I looked at his face. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He shook his head and his hazel eyes bore into me. "I knew nothing could happen, but I was in love and when I read your letter it was like my world died or something. I had nobody who cared about me anymore, no movie nights to look forward to, no one to talk to if something was wrong. My heart was broken for the first time. The only time, really. And then, I punched my window." I turned my left palm up. His eyes trailed a hot path on my skin before his fingers brushed the jaded scar now more white than pink.

"You did this to yourself?"

I shrugged and pulled away. That day was the worst of my life and I kept a mark on myself to remember it. I traced the scar with my finger and blocked out the emotions tugging at me. My heart was beating fast enough as it was. Who would have thought that saying to a guy that you had been in love with him when you were a kid was so difficult?

"I was angry and hurt, Nolan. I didn't know what I was doing until it was too late."

A shy breeze shoved his shaggy hair into his hazel eyes and he didn't pushed it away. He welcomed the opportunity to hide his gaze that held a remorseful fire I wanted to extinguish. Remorse was useless. It was in the past and it was time for me to deal with it. Seeing him after all these years opened my eyes in a way.

"What happened then?" he asked, his voice low and a little strangled.

I sighed and shrugged dismissively. "I don't remember much. My parents drove me to the hospital and I got stitches."

He shook his head and ran a hand in his hair, pushing some locks away and they ended up sticking upward on top of his head. It made him look younger even if the light in his eyes and the way he held himself screamed older. "That's not what I meant." He put a hand on my forearm and squeezed very softly. "How was your life? Don't shut me out, please."

"Why?" I kept my eyes locked on his. I wouldn't back down, wouldn't escape his scrutiny. I never did and I wouldn't start now. "I don't think..."

"Stop this shit now," he snapped. His grip tightened on me before he pulled away and put some more space between us on the bench. His eyes narrowed on me. "I don't want to play cat and mouse with you. We're not kids and we can't ignore our past. I don't want to spend my time chasing you and you know I'm not the patient kind. I never chased anybody and it's not going to start now, so humor me and pretend that you want to spend some time with me while I'm here."

"And when you're done here you will go back to your fancy New York life without a look back, right?" I crossed my arms over my chest. I tried to ease my breathing, but to no avail. He was infuriating!

"I don't make the same mistake twice."

I snorted. Unbelievable. "You're so full of yourself! I don't remember you being that way." My voice was softer and I felt it. I was mellowing. I wanted to believe that I could have him back in my life, even if it would be just for a couple of phone calls a year. It would be much more than I ever thought I could have.

He smirked at me and chuckled. "You were too young. I tried to protect you from my asshole side."

We fell silent, looking at each other. I don't know what he was seeing in me or what he was thinking, but I was trying to piece him back with the memory I had of him and I realized that I didn't do him justice. Or maybe he changed more than I ever thought he would.

Before I could say another word, his phone rang. I shook my head when I recognized the song. It was a song by Katy Perry. He cringed and blushed a little. "I didn't put this in my phone."

I arched one eyebrow, but said nothing. He answered his slick new iPhone with a frown. "Hey, Lena."

I couldn't hear a thing, but I sure wanted to. Who was that Lena? Was it his girlfriend? At that thought, a knot twisted my belly. He couldn't have a serious girlfriend. I was young, but I remembered that he was never very much into the girls he was casually seeing. Or fucking.

"I don't know yet. I'm going to see my mother today." He listened to what that Lena girl was saying and he kept his eyes in front of him, never looking back at me. That was odd. "I'm not asking you to understand." He tugged at the collar of his green t-shirt. "Listen I... No, listen, I have to go, but I'll call you later. I know it bothers you, but that's something I need to do and I'll stay as long I need to. It's not like I can't write wherever." With his free hand he massaged his temple and took a deep breath, but he was careful not to release it into the phone. Apparently, he didn't want Lena to know that he was fed up by her. "Yeah, bye. Me too." He hung up and put his phone in his jeans pocket, not once looking at me or breaking the silence.

"You're not going to tell me who this Lena is?" I asked, mustering my best I-don't-really-care voice.

He glanced at me, but I couldn't decipher his look. "She's my girlfriend."

I nodded, but it was hard to keep my composure. I didn't feel cool. I felt... jealous. Yeah, I supposed it was jealousy because the hurt mixed with anger could only be that. It also meant that my ridiculous crush on Nolan was not exactly over. After six fucking years I still wanted him, but now it was different. We still had a six year gap in age, we were still living very different life, but this time I was as much a woman as he was a man and I wasn't an innocent little girl anymore. But still, nothing could happen and even if I knew it with my head, my heart had some catching up to do, and fast.

"Woah! Nolan Bell had a girlfriend. Who would have thought that this day would come," I said teasingly, trying my damnedest to ignore the pain this fucking word was doing to me.

He chuckled and bit on his lip ring. "I know. I'm an adult now."

"How long have you been with her?" I must have a death wish or be masochistic. There was no other reason for me to delve further into this talk.

"Over seven months. I met her once at my publisher’s office. She was doing an internship there." He was still biting in his lip ring. He didn't like this talk either.

"Does she know about me or your mother?"

"She doesn't know that my mom was a junkie, but she knows that she's ill." He turned his head towards me. "But I never told anybody about you besides my editor, who is now one of my closest friends."

"I'm like a dirty little secret without the dirty part," I mumbled and stood up, ready to go back home to change before my night shift. I wanted to take a nap and take a break from all of this. It was too emotional for me.

He grabbed my hand, the one with the scar, to halt me. He stood up too and his frown deepened. "I never told her about you because it hurt me whenever I was talking about you. Do you want the truth?" His voice was getting louder, his words flew faster from his mouth, the same mouth I couldn't look away from. "Whenever I talked about you to my editor I ended up drunk out of my mind. That's why I never talk about you. It hurts. Leaving you hurt me too much because you're a piece of me."

I shouldn't take this as some circumvolved love declaration because it wasn’t. If anything it was a friendship declaration. He was telling me that he considered me like family and it touched me deeply, but it also brought back in a wave all my dreams I thought died six years ago. And one of these dreams was about him, about him and me.

"Then keep in touch. It's your last chance, Nolan. I don't want to hurt like that ever again. I have enough on my plate."

He released my hand and I already felt the loss of his hand, his warmth. He took his phone and gave it to me. "Put your cell number in and I'll never let you down again."

I nodded and quickly saved my number. Already, a sliver of hope took place in my heart and I hated myself for it. I wasn't so jaded that I had no hope whatsoever, but I knew when it was hopeless to put myself out there, and I was afraid that with Nolan it was one of this thing.

"What now?" I asked. I sounded very much the same little girl he left behind, the one always looking up to him for everything whenever I was with him. Some things never changed.

"Come with me to see my mother."

To say that I was surprised was an understatement. I brushed away my hair and tried to come up with something to get out of this, but nothing came to my mind, not when he was begging me with his eyes, not after I saw the tip of his tongue moistening his lips. Without knowing it, he was winning me over. He knew how much I hated his mother. She had hurt him too much and saying that she had an addiction was no excuse, not when you were supposed to take care of your own kid.