Silent (15 page)

After this
, I promised myself,
no more perving on Seb.
I really needed to get a hobby.

My vision of him blurred as my eyes rolled back in my head, but it didn’t matter. I’d already seen enough, and felt enough the night before. Seb was gorgeous and I was a horny teenager…and what he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him, right?

Short, hissing breaths escaped my teeth as I bit down on my lip. My blood warmed, and in the pursuit of release I forgot all the wrongness of what I was doing and dared to imagine Seb’s smooth hand closing around me. Tentative fingers, tightening into a firmer grip, leading me closer and closer to the edge until…

Seb rolled over.

My hand froze around my dick and my breathing stopped.

Fuck, fuck, fuck
. His eyes were open, and I felt like he was looking straight
into
me. Did he know what I was doing?

We just stared at each other for a few minutes, his lips parted slightly, my dick hard and aching.

Then he closed his eyes and stretched. And when he stretched, his boxers pulled down even more, so that I was given a view of his hips, his lower abs, and the thickening trail of fair hair that led to his pubes.

Shit.

For around five minutes I lay perfectly still. This was
such
a bad idea. I was pretty sure I was going to hell.

Not that that stopped me. When I was sure Seb had fallen back asleep, I went right on stroking myself, this time admiring his front half instead. The new image kept me from slipping back into the questionable fantasy of Seb touching me, and I worked methodically, my movements slight and more controlled. It wouldn’t be the greatest release of my life, but it would still be a relief. Eyes glued to his happy trail, I drove the energy inside me to its peak.

Right before I came, Seb’s eyes opened again…and it was too late to prevent the inevitable. Staring directly at his dark irises, I shot my load into the wadded up t-shirt, an uneven intake of breath the only sound to mark the occasion.

Yup. Hell for sure.

I didn’t move a muscle, holding onto my belief that the blankets would shield me from being found out. Seb couldn’t see where my hand was beneath the mound of covers. He
couldn’t
know what I’d been up to.

Afraid that looking away would be like admitting guilt, I held his gaze. It was then that I realized there was no drowsiness in his eyes at all. He’d been awake the whole fucking time.

Shit. I felt like I needed to say something to play it cool, and I was about ready to blubber out a few lame excuses for my odd behavior, once the initial shock wore down.

But a moment later, I got a much bigger shock.

Seb smiled.

Not a little lip twitch, not a slight grin, but a full-on, teeth-bared, glowing-in-the-moonlight
smile.

Then he pulled up his boxers, pulled up his comforter, and with a pleased-with-himself look that I could’ve sworn meant,
Well,
goodnight, Alex
, rolled back over and went to sleep.

~*~

Brandon did go to school early the next morning, crashing about and waking me up before the alarm. I only opened my eyes for about a second, though, before chasing after my sleep again. I’d been dreaming, and whatever it was seemed a lot more pleasurable than sorting out the jumble of thoughts that loomed just at the edge of consciousness.

Unfortunately, the next time I decided to join the world of the living, I’d slept
past
the alarm. And by the time I tripped down the stairs, Dwayne was already waiting impatiently by the front door with Seb.

Seb.

As soon as I caught sight of the now-golden hair drifting over his downcast eyes, my heart sped up and my hands grew clammy. I suddenly had the feeling I’d been dreaming something exciting about
him…
and conveniently trying to avoid dealing with what had happened last night in the harsh light of day.

And what exactly
had
happened?

One thing was certain: I really, really needed to talk to him alone. Not like we’d talked before…that’d basically just been me talking to myself. Now I needed to talk
to him…
to get some kind of answers. Was he really the person we all thought he was? Was I completely insane to think he was aware of what was going on last night…and was maybe even
pleased
about it?

I knew I should’ve been frightened. If, by some chance, Seb
wasn’t
special, it meant I’d laid bare nearly all of my secrets to someone who could judge me…or worse, reveal me. I should’ve been fucking scared shitless.

But I followed him and Dwayne out the door and realized…I wasn’t. I was confused, sure, but underneath that…underneath that was something like a whole swarm of butterflies, turning my stomach into a playground for fluttering dips and twirls. Something that made me have to fight to keep my usual slow swagger instead of bounding down the street like a joyful lunatic.

It was hope.

Because if Seb wasn’t really retarded, then maybe it was okay for me to like him. And maybe he might like me. Maybe we could like
each other.

It was such a beautiful feeling, I could barely think straight.

Seb showed no signs of anything being different as we walked to school. He trudged a few feet behind Dwayne and me, mostly looking at the sidewalk. I bit my lip and held my tongue, reminding myself to play it cool. I couldn’t talk to him with Dwayne around.

Not that Dwayne was talking. He didn’t usually have much to say to me in the mornings. I was surprised he’d waited for me at all.

Some of my nervous energy found its way into my thoughts, and it suddenly occurred to me that Dwayne didn’t speak to me because I tended to be wrapped in my own bitter silence. After all, he and Brandon always seemed to be pretty cool with each other.

And I’d probably been bitter long enough.

“Hey, man, Ryan told me you play football. You gonna play for the school?”

Dwayne gave me a suspicious look, like he wasn’t sure why I’d opened my mouth if we weren’t going to trade insults.

Then he shrugged. “Dunno. Maybe. Was gonna at my last school.”

I wondered if Dwayne had really been
someone
at his last school. Seemed like a possibility, with his looks and athletic ability. Me, I’d pretty much been your average anybody…well known enough to avoid being hassled, unknown enough that I probably wasn’t missed all that much now that I was gone.

Laloni was right. What the hell did I have to go back for? Dwayne’d most likely had more of an “old life” than I did, and he seemed happy enough in his new surroundings.

And back home, I’d never, ever had the chance to feel this completely crazy notion of
hope.
Hope that I just might be able to find someone to like me the way I’d never thought possible.

Hope made me act a little nutty, though. I stole a glance at Seb and the rush that followed had me babbling again.

“I think you should. Whaddaya have to lose? You make the team and you’ll have a never-ending supply of girls from now until you graduate. Plus, you could get a scholarship or something. I bet you’re good enough for that.”

This time Dwayne looked at me like I’d grown a second head. “Jesus, did you take uppers this morning or something?”

I laughed, another uncharacteristic burst of energy making it a little too loud. “Nah, man. I was serious. Just trying to give some friendly advice.”

He still had a disbelieving brow raised, but I did see a hint of a grin. “Sure, man. Keep taking the happy pills. Maybe you’ll be a little more tolerable that way.”

His comment didn’t bother me. Not one bit. It was that damned hope again. I just smiled and let him chuckle a “see ya,” before he took off down the concrete walkway into the school.

And at long last, I was alone…with Seb and the sycamore tree.

The scary side of hope suddenly reared its head, and those butterflies were doing more freefalling than they were flying…because whatever happened in the next few minutes could make or break all my insane dreams.

I really wanted to reach out and touch him—just his elbow, or something—but I couldn’t with so many students around. Even talking to him was probably a little strange. People had to have known he was waiting out there for the bus that took him to Special School.

“Hey, Seb.” I smiled at him.

He looked at me for a second, then back at the tree. Not a good start.

I tried again. “Seb?”

Still nothing.

“So, uh…” I kicked at a fallen leaf, my pounding heart betraying just how much I had riding on this moment. “I was thinking…you know how you sit out there and watch us play basketball sometimes?” He glanced over, and hope soared up from the pit of my stomach once more. “Well, I was thinking, maybe I could teach you how to play. I mean, I’m not very good…well, you’ve seen I’m not very good, but I could still help you with the basics. That might be fun, right?”

The short bus arrived. I looked into its windows and saw a boy with Down’s syndrome sitting in the back, and a girl with an adult aide next to her in the front. The girl was drooling.

Hope was suddenly stomped on by the heavy foot of reality. I had to face the fact that everyone around Seb believed that he, like those students I saw, was
special.
Which meant this would never work.

Without any goodbye, Seb walked over and got on the bus. I sagged against the tree in my defeat and watched him take a seat on the side nearest me, toward the middle.

But then he lifted his hand and pressed it up against the glass. Waggling his thumb, he looked me straight in the eye and grinned.

Never before had a facial expression meant so much to me.

~*~

I couldn’t stop thinking about Seb all day. I even formed a pretty elaborate daydream that I played in my head, over and over again. It started with the basic idea of Seb not being retarded—or at least, not enough to matter—then transitioned to us playing basketball together. Everyone else was out of the house for some (strange) reason, so we were completely alone. I’d begin by giving him a few pointers, bracing him from behind, taking every opportunity to feel his body against mine. Then, suddenly, we’d trip—not quite sure how; I hadn’t worked out all the details—and I’d wind up on top of him. He’d look up at me with a dreamy, flushed smile, and I’d lean down to meet his lips in this incredible, time-stopping k—

“Why do I get the feeling you not hearing a word I’m saying.”

Laloni shook her head—adorned with purple barrettes today—and I blinked several times until the library and the round table where we sat came back into view.

“I’d ask you what’s wrong, but from the goofy smile you been wearing, I’m gonna guess it ain’t something bad.”

I scratched my head and grimaced. Was I that obvious?

“Sorry. I just, uh…didn’t get all that much sleep last night. What’d you say again? I need another paragraph where?”

She giggled. “I bet it’s a girl.”

My cheeks instantly lit up. “Nah.”

“It is, isn’t it!” Laloni clapped her hands. “But it best not be me, ’cause you know I don’t play like that.”

I couldn’t help laughing. “You think you’re so hot any guy wouldn’t be able to resist falling for you, huh?”

“Sort of.” She shrugged, then burst into more giggles. “What, you saying I’m not?”

“I’m not saying nothing.” I put my hands up defensively. “I’m staying far away from this. I say yes, I’m insulting Brandon’s girl. I say no, then it’s sorta like I’m flirting with you. Either way I’d be screwed.”

“Huh, Alex.” She punched me in the shoulder. “You not such a bad kid after all.”

Grinning, I picked up my pencil to continue my work, just as an administrator’s voice buzzed over the loudspeaker.

“Alejandro Alvarez, please report to the main office.”

Laloni looked at me in surprise. “What do they want?”

I was just as stumped. “I dunno. I haven’t done anything bad in a while.” But a tiny seed of nervous fear took root all the same.

“Well, we’d better go see.” She gathered up my papers and put them in my backpack—she was a bit of a mother hen like that—and we left the library together.

As soon as we stepped into the office, the looks of concern on the staff’s faces had my fear jumping up several notches.

“Alejandro Alvarez?” the office manager asked.

“Yeah?”

“There’s been an accident at the home where you’re staying. If you’d like to wait for school police to take you…”

That was all I stuck around to hear. Laloni let out a frightened squeak, grabbed my hand, and we started running.

She might’ve been fit for a girl, but I could still run a lot faster than her. As soon as we hit the sidewalk, I let go of her hand and took off, leaving her in my dust.

She caught up to me, though, when I ground to a halt one street over and two blocks back from Ms. Loretta’s place.

“Alex? What…what is…?” she gasped.

But she never finished the question, because even at that distance, we could both see the plume of thick gray smoke rising in the air.

Fire.

Chapter 12: Game Over

Laloni screamed.

As if a pistol had signaled the start of a race, the shriek immediately sent me sprinting.

“Oh my God, Alex!” She kept shrieking. “Wait for me! Wait for me, Alex!”

I didn’t wait. I didn’t have time to wait for her.

My
home was on
fire
.

My
home?
Even tearing down the sidewalk, praying the ratty Keds would hold up to the beating, my brain locked onto the thought. Ms. Loretta’s place was my home?

I’d never dreamed I’d think of it that way. It was supposed to be my prison—the place I wanted to escape, not the place I was running
to
like my life depended on it.

But I kept running, at full speed. I didn’t have the mental strength to think logically about who would be home at this hour. In my mind, they were all there, all trapped by the flames that threatened to swallow them whole and leave only charred bones behind.