Silent (13 page)

“Yeah.” Was there a little bit of pride in my voice? “I been staying after to get some help on stuff.”

“That’s really excellent, Alex.”

It wasn’t so excellent I needed the help in the first place, but I knew what she meant.

“And how are things going here, overall?”

“Um…” I picked at the dirt under my nails. “Pretty good, I guess. Ms. Loretta still gets mad when I don’t dust good enough, but other than that…um, I guess we’re all getting along.”

Suzie smiled warmly. “That’s what Ms. Loretta said. I heard even Sebastian’s been doing better…getting out of the room more.”

I hid my grin by scratching my chin with my shoulder.

“Well, is there anything you need? Anything I could help you with right now?”

Bypassing the crucial topic—for the time being—I went to the next most important thing. “Shoes.”

“I’m sorry?” Suzie leaned forward, straightening a faded brown suit jacket.

Jesus, that woman needed some serious fashion help.

“New shoes.” I gestured to the Keds I still wore. “Sneakers. A good pair of sneakers.”

“Oh.” She laughed her polite white-lady laugh. “Well, I’ll see what I can do about that. Anything else?”

I wasn’t sure why she was prodding me. I almost didn’t want to say anything, because talking about it just pulled back the thin layer of insulation I’d built up to keep from thinking about it every second of every day. But Suzie continued to look at me expectantly, and I cracked.

“You haven’t heard from my mom, have you.”

“No.” She shook her head, her voice growing softer. “You know I’d tell you as soon as I’d heard anything.”

“Yeah.” I pinched the bridge of my nose, then let my hand spread out to cover my eyes. “I know.”

Little explosions of white dotted the black canvas of my closed lids. I watched them for a time, working up the composure to speak again.

“Maybe…maybe she just doesn’t know where I am?”

“It’s possible, I suppose. But it wouldn’t be that hard to find out.”

And even though Suzie’s lips clamped shut after that, I heard what remained unspoken: It wouldn’t have been that hard to find out,
if she’d wanted to.

Abandoned.

“I’m sorry, Alex.” Suzie’s voice dropped near a whisper.

She always said that. She was
sorry.
Everyone was
sorry…
except for my mother.

“Okay.” I hit my thighs, using the impact to jolt me from a gathering cloud of dark thoughts. “You probably gotta get going, right? It’s late.”

Suzie frowned, and I felt a tug of guilt. But whatever, this was more than she’d gotten out of me in ages. She should’ve been grateful.

“All right, Alex. I’ll talk to you sometime next week.”

“Yeah, bye.”

I stayed there as she gathered up her belongings and left. She always spoke to me last, since I was probably her toughest nut to crack—although with what I knew now about everyone else in the house, I didn’t really have a right to be.

But maybe they’d all been like me, once. Maybe it was a process.

Dwayne and Brandon scrambled into the living room as soon as she was gone. They jumped over the back of the couch and began an immediate scuffle for control of the remote.

“You had it yesterday!” Brandon protested, working to pry Dwayne’s impressively strong fingers from the device.

Dwayne held on tighter. “I am sick and tired of watching that CW crap!”

“Give it to me or I’ll tell Alex your favorite channel is the cooking channel!”

“I watched one show, one time, ’cause they was making ribs, so shut the f—…shut the you-know-what up!”

I should’ve laughed at that. Or at least smirked. Dwayne trying to censor his language while defending his honor was obviously a funny sight, but I couldn’t get into the right mood. Not so soon after talking to Suzie.

They both turned to me, as if they’d suddenly realized I was in the room—probably because I usually wasn’t.

“Maybe we should let Alex choose,” Brandon said slowly, his eyes sliding over to Dwayne.

Fully prepared for one of Dwayne’s snide remarks, I geared up to force out a retort, even though all I really wanted to do was hole up somewhere and not talk to anyone for as long as humanly possible.

“Fine.”

The remote sailed over and landed in my lap.

Startled, I lifted it cautiously, like it might suddenly come to life and bite me. I looked up at them and caught the tail end of a silent expressions-only conversation that seemed to indicate they’d both agreed not to mess with me—at least for tonight.

Seriously?

They must’ve felt sorry for me, too. As much crap as they’d been through, at least their families hadn’t just up and abandoned them.

They
felt sorry for
me.
I knew something wasn’t right with that picture.

“Nah.” I stood and left the remote on the chair behind me. “Not up for TV tonight…but I’d pick whichever channel has the hottest chicks.”

Three seconds after I left they both sprang up and dove for the control, beginning round two of their playful fight.

Needing time alone, I headed upstairs. Ms. Loretta was reading a bedtime story to the boys, and as I passed by to enter my room, she looked up briefly. Even in
her
eyes I saw pity.

That was very nearly the last straw.

It made me want to scream. Scream in her face, scream at Brandon and Dwayne, scream at Suzie…hell, scream at anyone in earshot. My life wasn’t that bad! It hadn’t been that bad, that is, up until the point I realized I was…
disposable.

I collapsed onto my bed, my feet knocking against the duffel bag I’d stashed underneath it. I still kept most of my personal clothes in there. I wanted to have them all packed up so that when it was time to go, I could make a quick exit. But with each passing day, that possibility seemed less and less realistic, and the worst part…the worst part was…

A streetlamp flickered outside. I looked through the window and caught a glimpse of something out in the backyard.

Seb.

Even in the dark, I could see his skin had started to take on a bronze hue, now that he had a bit more contact with the sun. The color looked good on him.

It wasn’t really a night to be outside, though. It was foggy and unusually cool, and it might’ve even been drizzling.

Taking my jacket and a sweater for Seb, I headed back downstairs. I didn’t even think about the cigarettes.

“Hey.” I met him behind the shed. “Were you waiting for me out here? It’s kinda cold.”

It wasn’t actually raining, but the mist hung so heavily in the air that I could feel the moisture against my skin.

I draped the sweater over his shoulders and sat next to him. “Suzie was here, you know. That’s why I didn’t come out earlier.”

He reached down to pick a few pieces of grass that had sprouted in a previously empty patch of dirt, then looked up at me expectantly.

“She…she still hasn’t heard anything from my mom.”

And in my head I added:
she might never hear anything
.

“Guess this means I should go ahead and unpack my stuff, huh? Might be staying a while.”

I was trying for a light-hearted attitude, but I was pretty sure I was failing. Seb looked almost concerned, and if my voice and facial expressions were making a retarded kid who didn’t understand me
concerned
, there was probably an issue.

“I wish I’d thought to bring more important stuff from my house, ya know? Like, maybe pictures or something.”

Not that there were all that many, but I’d had a few in my dresser. And I knew my mom kept hers in her nightstand drawer—some of Mimi as a baby, and several of the two of us together after I’d been born.

“All I have left of my home now is shorts and t-shirts…and a jacket or two. Just
things
.” I sighed, trying to release the weariness that had snuck up behind my anger.

Seb tilted his body toward me and the sweater fell off his right shoulder.

As I fixed it for him, the show of control abandoned me. “Seb…do you think…” I had to stop and swallow the lump of emotion that got in the way. “Do you think she…she doesn’t want me back?”

He moved again, making it hard to get the sweater to stay in place.

“Or m-maybe…maybe she knows where I am, and she thinks I’m…better off?”

Better off.
That was it. That was what was worse than the thought of being abandoned by my mother—the fact that somewhere, deep down, I was starting to wonder if I might not be
better off
.

And in truth, I probably
was
…in more than one sense.

Seb was kneeling now, directly in front of me, his black eyes shining from the light of the nearby streetlamps and the aura of the fog. His hair shone, too—it was starting to look more golden than ashen. The sun really was doing wonders for him.

I bit my lip and looked away. “I wasn’t really a good kid. Got in trouble…got bad grades…drank…did drugs…”

Jesus, why
would
she want me back?

“And, well…there’s something else, too.”

The fog was so dense now I could barely see a few feet in front of me. I figured that was why Seb’s eyes wouldn’t stop shining. And if mine were shining, too…well, then that explained it.

Maybe it was the eerie weather, or maybe it was just because I was so damn
tired
of thinking about all of this, but whatever the reason, I suddenly found myself wanting to get everything off my chest…so it could be swallowed up by the silence of the night, and by the silence that was Seb.

“Seb…do…do you know what a gay person is?”

I nearly stopped breathing as soon as the words were out, but when he didn’t react I felt my heart rate slowly returning to normal.

“Do you think they’re…messed up? Like, maybe something went wrong when they were inside their mothers. You know, the way it went wrong with you?”

Not that it mattered. Whatever happened had happened, and I didn’t believe there was any real way to fix it.

Seb lowered his eyes.

“But your life’s not that bad, huh?” I patted his shoulder. “I mean, you have a home, you have people who take care of you…I never really see anyone messing with you…three meals a day, a nice bed to sleep in…”

I trailed off, my voice growing hoarse. I might’ve been talking about Seb, but I was really thinking of myself.

“Maybe…” I whispered, “maybe I do belong here.”

The tears were coming now, gathering up inside me and fighting what little self-control I had left for their chance to break free. And I was tempted to give in. What did it matter, if I revealed my weakness here? If I added a little more moisture to the night air?

But the battle stopped unexpectedly when Seb’s hand closed around mine.

I looked over sharply, and he stared back, silent as always.

“Seb?”

He said nothing.

The tears very nearly sprang back into action, because in that moment, the touch of his skin on mine just felt so
good
. I knew he couldn’t really understand what was going on—he must’ve seen I was upset, and was trying to comfort me the only way he could think of. Still, it almost seemed like…
acceptance
, something I’d never experienced before in my life.

I sniffed in a bit of pre-tears snot. “Thanks, Seb.” He scooted around so he was beside me again, and I rested my head on his shoulder. “You know, you’ve been a really good friend.”

It struck me then that this whole time I’d been taking him and the comfort he provided me for granted. And even if it was only for my benefit, I now felt the need to correct that.

“I mean it. So if you ever need anything…I’ll be there for you, okay? I got your back.”

My hand still in his, I stroked his fingers softly. A tiny, closed-lipped smile played briefly on his face in response, and all of a sudden, I had an almost uncontrollable urge to hug him.

But it would’ve been kind of pervy to just jump on him without warning, so I decided to ask first.

“Hey, Sebastian, did your mom ever hug you?”

It was the first time I’d ever used his full name, and I kind of liked the way it rolled off my tongue.

“Mine did, when I was little. And Mimi—my sister—she did for a while after that…but I guess at some point the hugs just stop. Probably ’cause it’s not manly or something.”

Seb’s brows rose.

“But I think…I think hugs could be nice. Just a way to connect with people, ya know? A way to show you’re a friend…a way to say thanks.”

I squeezed his hand.

“Seb…would it be okay if I hugged you?”

No response.

I took a long, deep breath, then reached out to encircle him with my arms.

For several moments, it seemed as though life were moving in slow motion. Inch by inch, I tightened my grip until his chest settled against mine. My face pressed into the curve of his collarbone and the breath I let out was trapped there, forming a pocket of warm air. Lips parted, I drew it back in slowly, inhaling the rich, earthy fragrance of his skin. Did that scent come from all the time he’d spent beside me out here, digging in the dirt?

Well, whatever the reason, I thought he smelled fucking amazing.

I tried to get myself under control at that point. I really did. But even if Seb didn’t have the mind of a sixteen-year-old, he definitely had the body of one. And I’d never had the chance to be this close to a boy before…I guess I just hadn’t realized how strong hormonal instinct would be.

My hands began roaming the curves of his shoulder blades, then down his back. He was solid but lean, with compact muscles that moved gracefully under my touch.

And they were moving because as I caressed him, his hands were doing the same to me. Was he just copying me? God, it felt so good.

Closing my eyes, I shifted so that my cheek rested against his. My lips brushed the newly-bronzed skin just above his defined jaw line…and all I needed was a tiny bit more pressure for that casual touch to become a kiss.

But before I had the chance, Seb pushed me away—forcefully—and I crashed into the shed with a resounding
thump.