Shocked (10 page)

“Or I do.” A hard voice says from beside me. Lucas stands just outside the door. “She said let her go.”

Mason’s arms fall in defeat. I run out of the door and down the halls (which are blurry from my tears) clutching my duffle bag to my chest. Somewhere behind me a door slams. I’m not sure if it’s the sound of footsteps behind me or my heartbeat pounding in my ears.

It doesn’t matter. My fight or flight instinct has kicked in. I’m resolute that I won’t hurt Mason. The only other thing I can do is run—away from this building and away from him.

When I reach the door to outside I manage to catch my toe on the door frame and land flat on my face. My duffle bag jams into my stomach and steals away my breath. It leaves me in gasping sobs. I’m to weary to dig a hole into the ground and crawl into it like I want to. I’m done.

Strong hands lift me from the ground and before I realize who it is I begin to swat at them.

“Stop, Kat. It’s just me.” Lucas’ voice calms me a little. “Let me help you.” I stop resisting and let him scoop me up. We move and I can’t bring myself to care where we’re going. I can’t bring myself to care about anything.

Eventually we stop. Lucas places me onto something and I notice that he carries my bags along with me. I take in my surroundings and realize he’s taken me to the edge of the camp, away from everything.
Just what I wish for.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lucas asks when I progress from bawling to sniffling. I bite my lip to keep the waterworks from beginning all over again. I consider letting it all out. “I mean, you don’t have to.” He continues when I don’t answer. “But if you need to talk, I’m here.”

“Thanks,” the monotone of my voice mirrors the numbness protecting my heart.

“Hey.” Lucas catches my chin with his finger and pulls my face towards him. “I lied. You do need to tell me. Cuz it’s killing me to see you like this.”

He can only imagine. Right then the numbness cracks and the pain returns full force. I stare into his eyes and it makes me wonder. If it were Lucas waiting for me would he have betrayed me? Maybe this is why Mason is my first boyfriend. This pain is unbearable.

Only because it’s Lucas (and he saves me yet again) do I will my lips to move and recount the news Mason drops on me. I explain how Mason takes me to the beach. How we have a lovely picnic and spend the afternoon basking in the bright, warm sunlight. How everything is so perfect.

It almost feels like a bad dream, but it cuts much too deeply for that to be possible. I swallow back the nausea and continue. “Then he asks me if anything happened between you and me on our way here.” Lucas’ eyes darken. “There was this look on his face when I answered, this awful guilty look, and I just knew.” My eyes fill with those damn tears again. I don’t know how there are any left right now. “He, he…” Sobs take over again.

“It’s okay, Kat. You don’t have to say it.” Lucas says softly.

“No,” I sniffle and steel my spine, “I really do. He said it—she didn’t mean anything. That he thought I was dead. Like that’s supposed to make it okay or something. When they were in the convoy, I guess…so soon after I left.” My voice trembles over the next words. “They thought they were going to die, he said, and they didn’t want to die virgins. Then,” I scoff. “Then he actually tells me that he didn’t
have
to tell me.” I look at Lucas and plead for some kind of understanding. “How am I supposed to react, huh? Just what does he expect of me?”

Lucas doesn’t say anything because at this point I’m sobbing again. Instead he pulls me into his lap and lets me cry until there are no more tears.

It can be hours or minutes later: my sense of time is left somewhere on that horrible, beautiful beach. When Lucas shifts me to one side I find myself clutching his shirt, unwilling to move.

He chuckles softly. “I’m just moving because my legs asleep, sorry. You don’t have to get up.”

“No, I’m sorry.” Now I do sit up and release his tear-stained shirt from my grasp. “You should be sleeping. We’re leaving early tomorrow.”

His eyebrows raise, “What about you? You need rest too—probably more than any of us.”

I shake my head. “I’ll be fine here. It’s too late to wake up Brie and Jared, or the Captain for a new room.”

“I’m not leaving you out here alone. Either you crash in my room or we stay out here together. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.” He smiles and gets the first real smile out of me since
before
.

A crack of thunder and a downpour of rain make the decision for me. I shriek and grab my backpack. Lucas grabs my duffle bag and we race back towards the center of the camp.

Sleep doesn’t really come. I lie very still and keep my breathing even well past the time I’m sure that Lucas is sleeping. He’s on the floor between his bed (which he insists I take) and the door.

Tomorrow will be here soon whether I’m ready for it or not. In a few measly hours we leave to go on the rescue mission. Is it even possible for me to be in such a close proximity of Mason now? Will the Captain make him stay behind if I ask him to? Can I even do that to Mason?

The more important question is whether or not I’ll be able to focus with him there. Will I be able to make the right decisions with him there distracting me? My own preference aside, what’s the best choice to successfully complete this mission?

In my heart I know the answer. I know what has to be done. I creep out of the bed and over Lucas, grabbing some clothes from my duffle bag on the way. I may as well take a shower while I can since any hope of sleep is long gone.

I crank the water’s as hot as it goes and scorches my skin. It doesn’t hurt more than the pain inside me. When I finish dressing my skin is still pink from the water. At least it helps my red puffy eyes blend in a little more.

By the time I step back into the room (and over Lucas) the sun glows softly through the shade. I slip on my boots before I wake Lucas and tell him to go to the bed. He mumbles something incoherent, but gets up and flops down on the mattress.

The maze of hallways is eerily quiet. I soften my steps so my boots don’t sound so loudly and echo down them. It doesn’t take long to reach the Captain’s office. The doors locked and there’s no answer when I knock. I decide to wait him out rather than hunt him down and sink down against the door with my knees to my chest. Soon footsteps sound from the end of the hall.

“Kat, is that you?” Dr. Ford calls. Before I have a chance to answer he moves closer. “What’s wrong?”

It’s silly to think that my appearance will go without notice. “Would it be okay if we wait for Captain Jennings to get here too? I don’t know if I can tell the story more than once.”

He nods and surprises me by dropping on the floor beside me. We sit in silence for a few more minutes before more footsteps sound and Captain Jennings approaches. He looks at us for a moment and takes stock of my emotional state. Captain Jennings reaches out a hand to me and pulls me up.

“Here,” He hands me a cup in his hand while Dr. Ford gets to his feet. “You look like you need this more than I do.”

I grab the Styrofoam cup in acceptance and wait while Captain Jennings unlocks the door.

I explain everything (thankfully with much more control than with Lucas.) Dr. Ford drags me to his lab while Captain Jennings informs Mason that he’ll be sitting this mission out. He won’t be happy with the news or with me for spilling the beans. It’s not my fault I’m incapable of looking or acting normal right now. At least I won’t have to see the look of betrayal on his face. Captain Jennings assures me he’ll be keep Mason busy and under supervision until our departure.

Dr. Ford quickly does some basic tests. They’re medical things, not his usual scientist stuff. He’s qualified for both so it’s not completely surprising. My blood pressure and temperature appear to be to his satisfaction. After a few more procedures he looks at me.

“You’re dehydrated. You need to take more fluids.” He moves to a mini fridge and pulls out a sports drink that he tosses me. “Start with that. It’s probably from all the loss of fluids and you need to be in top form out there.”

“Thanks,” I open it and take a long swig.

“Kat,” Dr. Ford rubs his hand on the back of his head. “I want you to know that if you ever need anything I’m here.”

“I know doc, thanks.” My smile’s sincere.

“Just know that you’ll always have someone in your corner. I promise.”

A rap on the door indicates it’s time to move. Dr. Ford and Captain Jennings walk me to the area I suit up in. This time I only grab the jacket. It seems silly in this heat though it’ll surely come in handy later.

Brie’s waiting when I step out. B’s with her and I crouch down to cuddle him. Brie freaks out and is talking a mile a minute. She bombards me with questions as to why Mason’s so upset and not here suiting up with us.

“What the hell’s going on?” She finishes and cradles her belly while she tries to catch her breath. I help her towards a nearby bench and sit her down. I make sure she’s steady before I sit next to her.

“Better?”

“Yeah, thanks,” she says. “It’s hard to breath with a person sitting on your diaphragm twenty-four seven.”

“I can’t even imagine.” I say and then jump when her belly moves.

She laughs. “It’s okay, that’s nothing. This baby does flips at night that are insane.” Then her face grows serious again. “Now stop changing the subject. What’s going on?”

Brie’s every bit as furious as me while I recount the tale. “If you want, I can totally have Jared kick his ass. Once this baby comes out I might just do it myself.”

“No, it’s okay. If I wanted to hurt him, well…” I give her a knowing look.

“I guess so,” she agrees. “He still deserves it though.”

“Yeah, he probably does.”

“You know, I should beat you up too for not coming to wake me up last night.” Brie scolds.

“I thought about it, but your sleeping for two now.” I point to her belly to confirm my statement. “You need your rest.”

“Then where’d you go?”

I recount the rest of my night and she puts her hand in mine. “Lucas seems like a good friend.” She observes.

“Yeah, he is. He’s reliable.” Before I can say anything else, Captain Jennings calls my name. I give B a big hug and move to Brie. “Time to go.”

She hugs me hard. “Be careful, okay? Come back safe.”

“Promise,” I release her and rub her belly. “Take care of B for me. Don’t let Mason take him if you can. I should be back soon.”

“I’ll keep him close.”

It’s hard to walk away from the two of them. If I don’t go do what I can to stop the spread of infection, everyone here will be in danger. Everyone everywhere will be in danger.

To my relief Lucas waits among the rest of the team: a familiar face in a host of unfamiliar ones. There’s only one other girl. She has dark hair and a hard expression. She’s almost pretty if not so rough looking. The other seven team members are all men. Every last one of them (excluding me and Lucas) are rigidly strict. Their eyes hold tinges of anxiety and fear. We set out to accomplish what every other team has fails and the weight of it gets heavier as we go.

This time will be different because they’ll have something they don’t have before. A weapon of unmatchable force:
Me.
What’s worse? A teensy part off me is looking forward to it. All of this anger and hurt that envelope me yearns for release…
begs
for it.

Does that make me a horrible person? Sometimes I think that it does. It certainly won’t be the first time that I question my own humanity. I’ve taken human lives before—granted they weren’t exactly good people—but they
were
people. It is plain unrealistic to believe that I won’t have to do it again: because when the time comes I will.

The call that we’re ready to load sounds. We walk to the army helicopters that will be transporting us. They’re five total. Lucas grabs my hand and pulls me towards the center one. The other female soldier and one of the males follow and climb in with us. The blades spin loudly above us while the pressure and wind jostle us about and disorient everything. I swallow hard. I’ve never flown before.

Through all the commotion Lucas manages to secure me to a handle with a looped seatbelt contraption. Nobody else seems to bother with it. I happily grasp it, glad to have something to keep me steady.

Next thing I know my stomach drops and a feeling of weightlessness takes over. The ground below us shrinks and we’re in the air.