She's Out of Control (8 page)

“I guess two wrongs don't make a right for me, pious as it sounds.” I smile gently. Now, keep in mind, I am only Miss Popularity because I have a boyfriend. I have had months of dateless nights. Too many to count, but now that I have a boyfriend, well, all the other Silicon Valley drones wonder what is so exciting about me. It's the boyfriend mystique.

“I think you misunderstand me, Ashley. Your giving me that Bible and explaining it on an intellectual level helped me to see God. I just feel I owe you.” He shrugs his wide shoulders.

I try to mask my utter humiliation here. Wasn't it enough that the entire Bible study got to watch my boyfriend leave with another woman? No, I had to top it off by refusing a man who wasn't really asking anything of me. This is Arin's fault. Why would I listen to her? Why would I actually believe that this gorgeous man (dressed in 501s and a button-up—be still my heart) actually wanted to sweep me away on a yacht? I'm telling you, this thing with Seth has me so uneasy, I'm cracking up. I'm suddenly thinking I'm Beyonce and men can't resist my charms.

I brush the hair off my face. “I sure appreciate the invitation, but Jesus paid your debt. Let's forget about it, okay?”

“I think you'd really like sailing, Ashley.”

Granted, I'd like
shopping
for sailing. I love nautical wear, but no. Definitely no.
I needn't go on the Bay to be marooned.
“My boss is anxious for me to go to Taiwan, and meet our managers there. You know, to get a patent department up and running there. I doubt I'm going to be able to sail across the Bay regardless. I need to be available.”

“Cell phones work on the Bay, Ashley. This isn't Timbuktu.”

I meet his intense eyes directly. He's going to know I mean business. “Kevin, you don't owe me anything, all right? It's really nice of you to ask me, but I don't need your pity date!”
Sounding a little bitter here. Baggage anyone?

He scoffs at me. “I'm not Seth, Ashley. Why do you assume the worst of me? Have I ever said anything to you that wasn't true?” He pauses for a moment here and forces me to look into his unrelenting gaze. “Do you want to know my true motives?”

I nod.

“I love your laughter, your light, and your energy. I'm attracted to that. Really attracted to that.” He puts a palm to his chest. “I think it's great that shopping is a sport for you, and that you can't see me without pointing out your new shoes. I love how you toss all that material stuff aside when you're singing at church, or at the Food Kitchen, or working overnight on a patent. I love how you can tackle a theological argument with the tenacity of a good lawyer and a missionary. You are such a complete enigma to me, and I just find you absolutely fascinating. You're everything God left off of me. I'm plodding, deliberate, and driven, but I haven't stopped thinking about you since we were seeing each other.”

Alrighty then
. I'm looking around the room for something, anything, to pull me away from this fiery conversation.
This is very bad.
I remind myself that I have a boyfriend, but who wouldn't be flattered? And maybe, just maybe I'm a little more moved than I'd like to be.

I'm holding the candy dish. As Kevin reaches for my hand, he slowly brushes his fingers along mine before grabbing a lone M&M in the bowl and popping it into his mouth. I'd like to say it has no effect on me, but it does. Our eyes connect and I can feel the energy pulsating between us. I force myself to remember that Kevin is out of my league, and that his interest will most certainly pass. I am interrupted by another thought: his eyes are green, and I heard once that was the hardest color to make DNA-wise. But God mixed up a special palette for these. They are a combination of jade and army green. Just gorgeous, and absolutely mesmerizing. Dangerously mesmerizing.

I pull my eyes away, and as I'm looking at his shirt collar, I realize that something within me stirs when I'm with him. It's something I haven't wanted to admit to, but I literally
feel
him near me. Being in love with Seth should quench that fire.
Lord, help me to quench this fire. Seth,
I think to myself
. Seth.

I clear my throat. “It's too bad you missed Bible study. Seth led a fascinating discussion on Nehemiah and honoring God in all that you do.”

He nods. “You're not answering my question about sailing.”

“I am. You're just not liking my answer.” I venture a small glance at his eyes, and there it is again, that warmth in my chest.

“Fair enough. I'm sorry if I was out of line.”

I shake my head. “It's all right. Seth and I are going to be engaged soon. We're more serious than we appear.” But even as I say it, I don't know if I truly believe it. I want to
make it so
, but I'm not Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and I may not be capable just by willing it.

Kevin puts the candy dish back on the table, and I notice the room has completely emptied of people. Even Kay is nowhere to be found. Kevin breathes in deeply and exhales as though about to say something profound.

“Seth doesn't seem like the type to commit, but then, you're no ordinary woman, I suppose. If I see that, why wouldn't Seth?” Kevin envelops my hand in his, and I feel it everywhere, along with the prick of guilt that follows it.

My smile fades. “Really, Kevin, it's not right for us to have this conversation.” I pull away my hand.

“I understand. Please accept my apologies.” And then, he does the oddest thing. He bows his head. Almost in a Mr. Darcy manner, and I'm completely awestruck by the movement. I look around me to see if maybe I've been transported back to the seventeenth century. Stranger things have happened.

“I want to marry Seth,” I say meekly, but it's meeker than even I could have hoped.

Kevin's cheek flinches. “When he doesn't even care enough about your feelings to say no to Arin? Why do you want a man like that?”

And here's the question of the day
. “I can't explain it in words, but I have so much history with Seth.”

Kevin nods his head. “People who don't study history are doomed to repeat it.” And then he clears his throat, like he regrets his words. “You're a brilliant woman, Ashley Stockingdale. I'm certain you know what you want. You'll figure it out.”

But as the warmth in my stomach permeates the rest of me, I'm not certain of anything.

Kay walks into the room. “Well, you two scared everyone off early tonight.”

“I beg your pardon?” I say.

Kay puts her palms up, as is her custom. “Don't get defensive, but people scuttled out of here like you were throwing daggers.” She points to Kevin and back at me. “What's going on between the two of you?”

“Nothing!” We say in unison.

Kevin zips up his leather jacket and grabs the doorknob. “I've got to run. I'm on call later tonight. It had just been a long time and I wanted to check in and say hello.”

“Thanks for the flowers, Kevin,” Kay says.

“You're welcome, and I won't miss Bible study next time, I promise. Thanks for your hospitality. You are one amazing woman, Kay.” He looks at me and whispers, “As are you.” Kevin gives me a searing look that feels like lightning to a rod.

He exits and Kay is staring at me. “What's going on?”

I cross my arms. “I don't think Kevin believes Seth is going to ask me to marry him,” I say, and I watch Kay's eyebrows lift. “I know, you don't either, but even if he doesn't, I can't shut my feelings off like a light switch. Or just transfer them to another guy.”
Can I?

Kay nods her head. “It looked like your light just switched on there, but it's none of my business. My offer is still good. And you don't have to marry anyone for it.” Kay smiles knowingly.

“I don't know yet, Kay. Everything feels completely out of control right now. I don't know if I'm the new general counsel at Gainnet, or going to be looking for a job to maintain my innocence. I don't know if I'm getting engaged next week. Or if Seth has something else in mind. Basically, I don't know if I'm coming or going, and I hate that someone else has control over my destiny. Someone with a commitment issue.”

“Ashley, you are a born drama queen. If you're waiting for Seth to calm your life down, you've got a long wait.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“For most of us in the real world, it means that the last pair of heels at Bloomingdale's does not constitute a crisis. And if I had a friendly hottie of a doctor offering me an alternative, I'd at least be open to the idea. You're so loyal to Seth, and I don't really understand why, Ashley. Why
should
Seth make any movement toward commitment? You're going to be around regardless. He knows that.”

That's not true
, I protest silently. “I'm calling Brea,” I announce.

“It's nine-thirty.”

“She'll be up
.”
I dial my best friend's number, anxious to hear about Seth's phone call, and his plans for our romantic surprise party for me. She's wide awake. It's
Bachelor
night, and she's watching bad reality television, reminding me there's a reason I'm so petty. Brea and I are soul mates. “Hi, it's me.”

“He's getting ready to nix someone; is this important?” Brea is so into
Bachelor.

“Um, yeah! Tell John to Tivo it.”

“Go ahead,” Brea moans. “I already Tivoed it.”

“Arin was here, she told me Kevin is still interested, but I think the truth of the matter is that she's interested in Seth. She proceeded to flirt with him right in front of me and hitched a ride home. Then, Kevin showed up, looking as hot as ever I might add, and pretty much said Seth probably wouldn't
ever
ask me to marry him.”

I hear her TV click off. “This all happened at Bible study? Did it ever occur to you people to actually study the Bible at these events?”

“So I need to know exactly what Seth said to you, Brea. Do you really think he's going to ask me to marry him?”

“He drove Arin home?”

“She asked him to.”

“Sometimes your boyfriend drives me crazy. We should practice saying ‘no' with him before this goes any farther. There's nice and there's clueless, and he is entering the realm of clueless.”

“Regardless, he took her home. Now what?”

“Ashley, personally, I think he's going to ask you. No, I'm sure of it. He asked both John and me to be there, and said he had something he wanted to share with all of us. What else could it be? This thing with Arin is probably his last hoorah, like a shout that he's still in-dependent. Why else would he ask us all there?”

“Who knows with Seth? The
Lord of the Rings
has a new installment? There's a big Xbox online event? You can never be too sure with my beloved.”

“Just tell him that his days with Arin are over. If he's going to ask you to marry him, he should have no problem with that promise.”

“I'm not going to police him, Brea. If he wants to spend time with Arin, it's better to know now. But she just wants to feed her ego, and he'll end up nursing his wounds.”

“This is not right, Ash! He's not just a friend anymore. He's supposed to be somebody who understands exactly how you feel. He's been your boyfriend, your Christian boyfriend, for nine months. Would you accept this behavior if you were married?”

“Heck no.”

“Then start being the businesswoman I know you are and grow a brain.” I hear the TV click back on. “ Oooh, it's getting good. Call me back.” She hangs up on me, and the phone immediately starts to beep.

“Hello?”

“Ashley, it's me.”

“Seth! How's Arin? Is she home safely?”

“She doesn't really have a home. She's staying with different friends. I think she was looking for a night on my couch.”

“And?”

“And I told her I had a girlfriend. Sheesh, Ashley.”

Oh yeah, I'm the dumb one
. “So you're home now?”

“Yeah, I'm missing you. I feel like I barely got to see you tonight, and it's been too long.” His emotion doesn't stir me like usual. I'm hurt. Maybe it's childish, but I'm still hurt.

“If you could go on any vacation, where would it be?” I ask, fishing for ideas. Maybe my honeymoon daydream was on the money.

“I don't know, maybe on a houseboat, or cross-country in an RV.”

“An RV?” Tell me my supposed soul mate did not say the initials that have come to signify camping with a television set. “You don't maybe want to go to Hawaii or a beach somewhere? Or a spa?”

He laughs. “What would I do at a spa? I don't want some guy touching me. Gross.”

Okay, no spa. I can deal with that.
“What about a cruise? That's kind of like RVing.”

“Are you going on vacation, Ash?”

Sigh.
“No, just daydreaming, I guess.”

“I just wanted to let you know I was home, and that I'll see you Saturday for your boss's thing.”

“I'm trying to get out of that. Of course, I still want to see you.”

“Why?” He laughs. “I mean why are you trying to get out of it, not why do you want to see me.”

Um, I think Hans wants my bod.
“I just don't want to set a precedent that I do things socially with my boss, that's all.” The truth overtakes me. “And I think he wants me. You know, in
that
way.”

Seth is quiet.

“Did you hear me?”

“What makes you think that?”

“It's not important.”

“Ashley, sometimes I think . . . well, I think you live in another world sometimes.”

My stomach lurches. He doesn't believe it's possible for someone else to be attracted to me. “I want to be general counsel before I leave. I need to be general counsel, or all the companies are going to think I'm poison.”