She's Only Seventeen: A Novel of Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll (28 page)

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” she said removing her arms.

I grabbed one of them, spinning her to me, my mouth coming hard on hers.

She was stiff as a board at first, but then loosened up as she kissed me back softly.

She pulled away, her forehead resting against mine.

“I just wanted to see what it was like,” she whispered.

She looked up and me and smiled before turning and heading up the stairs.

I turned to leave.

“Gare?” she shouted down. “Chocolate please remember!”

I wouldn’t forget.

Later when I came back, she asked me if I would do something for her.

“Whatever you need, Kathryn”

“I think we should sleep together.” She murmured.

I had to stop myself from letting my mouth drop open.

“What… are you sure?”

She nodded and began up the stairs.

“Are you coming?” she asked.

I followed her to the guest bedroom where I had been staying.

“I need to take a shower,” she said, “Join me?”

I could feel myself start to stiffen as she stripped her clothes off and stepped into the walk in shower.

I nervously got in with her. She giggled, putting her arms around me and kissing me, letting our slippery bodies rub together, and her lips on mine.

I couldn’t take it anymore, I scooped her up and threw her on the bed, still soaking wet.

As I positioned myself to enter her, something changed within her mood.

“We don’t have to do this,” I said regretfully.

Tears started falling from her eyes.

“
Fuck
” I thought

I sat beside her as she began to cry.

“I can’t do it, I’m sorry,” she sobbed

I held her close to me, “Shush, its okay, Kat.”

Part of me didn’t want to leave her, but god I knew, I had to.

Kat

April 2001

I tried to write, I tried to sing, I tried anything and everything to make me feel an ounce of what the old me had felt at one point in my life. I wanted to feel something, anything. The thought of sex almost repulsed me. The words echoing in my ears,
“Shane”
, it was almost as if Thomas knew he was going to die. Why Shane? Why could I not be left alone to wallow in my misery for the rest of my life? Why had he made me promise? I struggled with the thought daily lately as I took my growing frustration out on the earth beneath me. Tom, in every essence of his being had been my soul mate. I had only wished that it had not taken me so long to figure that out.

James

May 2001

“Some days are easier than others”, Kat told me as she plopped down on her bed.

“I understand, believe me, Kat, I feel the same way,” I said

She gave me a small smile as I sat beside her. “You know, after Ian and Thomas, you’re my oldest friend too,” I explained to her

She rested her head on my shoulder, “I know, and so are you for me. I’m closer to you than I have been a lot of people.” She paused, “You know, sometimes I feel… I feel like Thomas would still be here if it wasn’t for Shane and me.”

I let out a heavy breath, “Kat, he told Ian and I that night that you two had fought over Shane, but he loved you. He loved you more than anything. Anyone could see that. You and he… you both were so magnetic. You were meant for each other, I truly believe that,” I said honestly.

She lay down on the bed and curled up, I held her tightly next to me.

“I love him so much still, I don’t know if I’ll ever love anyone else again.”

She turned around to face me, my arms still wrapped around her. She ran her pointer finger along my cheek as her breasts rose and fell with each breath. I could feel my body responding to her closeness, I believe she felt it too, but it didn’t seem to faze her at all.

I let my lips brush hers, not knowing what her reaction would be. She kissed my back hard, holding on tighter to me. She then broke away and sat up, sobbing, “God, I can’t do it,” she cried.

“Kat,” I said softly, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

“No, it’s okay, I wanted to, I still… I want to. I’m just…” her eyes flew to mine, “Do it again,” she asked suddenly

I scooted over to her and kissed her again. She tilted her head back, relaxing this time. She pulled me down so I was on top of her, my body longing for her. She didn’t resist, as we rubbed together, the fabric between us acting as a blockade to something so forbidden.

“Wait,” she said suddenly

“What?”

She rolled me over onto my back and undid my belt buckle; I felt my hearts start to rush when she undid my pants and revealed my boxers where my obvious erection was showing.

“Touch it,” she asked

“I don’t understand, Kat”

“You touch yourself and I’ll touch me, I… it’s been a while and I want to… you know…”

“Okay,” I managed as I pulled my pants off completely.

“Your shirt too,” she said with a small smile

I lay next to her as I began touching my body. Her eyes watched me as she stripped off her top, unhooked her bra and slipped out of her pants so she was as naked as I was. I could feel my body pulsing and had half a mind to spread her legs and push myself in her. She spread her legs and began rubbing in a circular motion, her eyes on mine. I could feel myself getting close already.

“Get in between my legs,” she said

“You sure?”

“Just do it.”

I positioned myself, she didn’t let me enter her, and instead she rubbed my cock all over the outside of her as she rubbed me. I took her hand away, breathing heavy.

Her lips opened as I kissed her mound all the way up to her breasts where I sucked each one in turn. She moaned softy. I kissed her lips again as our nude bodies pressed together. The tip of me slipped in her, she froze, “James,” she said in a whisper.

“It’s okay, Kat, I love you, it’s okay,” I had never said it before but I felt it, I had loved her for a long time. Tears formed in her eyes as she held onto me. I pressed deeper into her. She clutched onto me. I moved with her in unison, she gasped when I kissed her neck, as little bumps rose from her arms when she shivered.

“You ready?” I whispered to her.

She shook her head yes.

Her whole body was shaking as she came, I couldn’t help myself then. “Jesus, Kat,” I moaned, plunging deep within her, feeling the release at last.

She held me as I lay atop her, her hands running through my hair. She didn’t say anything, she was calm. When I took her in my arms after, she fell asleep without saying a word. I watched her as she slept, was this what Tom had felt?

Kat

May 2001

It was bittersweet when Gary left but it was needed. I had made a decision to sell Thomas and I’s house. I was re-landscaping the back gardens along with some other cosmetic improvements. I couldn’t stay in this big house by myself and wished for something smaller to perhaps dull the memories still so fresh in my mind. I was okay some days, and some days I was a mess. The littlest thing would set me off. I had no wish to see anyone or to speak. I threw myself into working and writing songs.

“Kat, I don’t know what to say,” James said

“Bad?” I whispered.

“No it’s… incredible, I mean it’s not our usual style but… you’re gonna play guitar on the part?”

“Mhm.”

We began to play together again and practice. Soon we were able to release a single for the new album which I was more than proud of. I knew Tom would have been too.

James and Ian would take me out, whether it is to a party or a bar; they could always make me smile. James was going through a divorce. I refused to admit that I wanted him, although he had made my body stir with the wanting that had been so familiar to me only months ago. I had noticed the way he stared, the way he would let himself come close to me whenever he could. I tried not to be alone with him, I was afraid I would have a repeat of what had happened a couple weeks ago. I had always held a special place for James in my heart and when he had told me he loved me, it had just confirmed what I had already knew; that if Thomas had not made me promise that I would be with Shane, I would have pursued a relationship with James.

I also had to opportunity to go on a couple talk shows and speak about my life. So many people wanted to talk to me about my father,
Neptune, Thomas…

I always spoke the basics “Yeah, he was a rock star, you know the life”, “God I thought my life was over…”, “I couldn’t imagine discontinuing the band!”

I answered questions polite and kindly. Giving them what they wanted to hear… until I had enough.

I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but on the
Elizabeth Day Show
I was being interview and just told it all.

“So you had sexual relations with ALL of them?” she asked, surprised

I nodded, “I sure did, even the manager, Roy.”

“Wow, that’s more than what I was hoping to hear.”

“Yeah I was only seventeen, you know, young impressionable.”

Her eyes widened.

“I’ve never been faithful to anyone I’ve ever been with. And you know I could blame it on my father but I’m not going to. I’m fucked, I’ve always been, but you know I would give it all up, the fame, the fortune, whatever, just to have Tom back.”

She didn’t know what to say.

I continued, “I have fucked up so much, ruined so many relationship.” I shook my head. “I made it right by leaving Shane. He was so much better without me. They all were. You know it’s funny how one person can screw up much shit up for someone? I almost ruined Gary’s career! I ruined
Arctic Circle
for a bit to with that shit with Brian, oh and speaking of that, don’t ever watch that video with him and I in it, he was fucking me the whole time. “

She looked shocked, “Why are you telling us this, Kat?” she asked

“Because someone other than Thomas needs to know and I’ve bottled this in so long and it’s nearly destroyed me. I loved him and Shane. I probably loved the others a little too, just never as much. But Tom, he was the love of my life, I loved him more than I love myself, and I was too stupid to see it. And Shane? He was too good for me, still is. So there that’s me, out there in the open. Hate me, I don’t care, I’ve never thought of myself as a good person and I sure as hell know I’ll lose more people by this little ‘interview’.

She smiled at me. “You’re very honest, Kat.”

“Well it’s about time don’t you think?,” I said smiling with a little laugh as I stood up and turned to walk off the set, leaving her alone with the cameras rolling.

The repercussions were not as bad as I thought they would be, instead the interest in
Neptune
skyrocketed. Sure I got called a whore, a home wrecker, a sinner, but I was finally able to breathe again.

Shane

May 2001

“You need to watch this,” Drew was panting at my door.

“God, what now.”

“It’s Kat,” he said, “She’s completely off her rocker.”

We watched the interview together.

“What’s that?” Darla asked

“It’s your mom…”

“Can I watch?”

“No” Drew and I said in unison,

“I already saw it,” she confessed. “It’s
all
over school, Moms like all they want to talk about. They’re calling her a nymphomaniac, whatever that is….”

“Go to your room, Dar,” I said through gritted teeth.

She turned and left.

“Why did she do that? “ I asked Drew after, “What could have possibly possessed her…”

“Grief makes you do things, funny things,” he answered.

“Can you watch Darla? I need to go see Kat… I just need to…”

“Sure man, but Tammy’s real pissed I gotta get back soon…”

“Thanks,” I said

I drove to her place, where she was out in the garden on her knees tending to some petunias.

“What the fuck was that?”

She smiled like nothing had happened, “What was … what?”

“That fucking interview? Why would you tell people those things?”

“Because I don’t care anymore, Shane, I really just don’t care what anyone thinks about me. What do I have to lose anymore? I think I’ve lost enough.”

I threw my hands over my head and turned around. She looked so happy in the sun in her little hat, cut off shorts and with that ridiculous apron and her hands in the dirt. Happy… she
was
happy.

She looked up at me, her hand over her eyes to shade from the sun, “What?” she asked.

I realized I had been staring at her.

“Kat,”

“Yes?”

I couldn’t help myself

“Do you want to go to dinner tomorrow night?” I asked