She's Only Seventeen: A Novel of Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll (24 page)

“Good, if he did I will tell him he’s mean!”

“He’s not mean, Darla, he’s a good man.”

“I know!” she said happily, wriggling away from me and running down the hall.

I wiped my eyes and waited for Thomas to come home.

Thomas

August 1991

Kat and Shane had held separate parties for Darla for the first time since she was born.

She had been forced to invite Drew and Tammy’s daughter, this time however, because of Darla’s friendship with her.

Kat virtually ignored Drew; in fact, she ignored most everyone who she had invited, even Gary, who I had almost protested to coming after what he pulled last year.

She was in her own little world, focusing on me, Darla and
Neptune.

I saw her speaking with James; it still made me jealous, even though she had no interest in him anymore. She caught me looking and motioned me over to join. She put her arm around my waist and leaned her head against me, smiling; I couldn’t help but smile back at her.

Darla was five now and full of energy, Kat would be twenty five this year, some of the young girl she used to be had begun to fade although she had aged quite gracefully.

She had showed me her diaries that Shane had brought over as her and I laughed at the contents. Her confused prepubescent feelings towards me and her crushes on musicians such as Shane. She wasn’t angry with Shane for what he had said to her, she was sad. She loved him still, I knew it, but I wasn’t jealous, strangely.

Kat was mine; she knew it as much as I did. We were trapped in a web of lust and desire that had been brewing and suppressed for far too many years.

I didn’t think anything could tear us apart now.

Drew

August 1991

“I saw you staring at her!” my wife screamed at me as soon as we got in the car.

What a fucking headache that had been.

“I was not staring at her, Tam; I had to look at her.”

“No you didn’t have to look at her,” she hissed. “I fucking hate her.

She glanced to the back seat quickly, her eyes wide at her intense emotions. Theresa was asleep in the back.

“Don’t do this, Tam.”

“Do you still want her?”She whispered now.

“No,” I said.

“Liar,” she said under her breath.

I wouldn’t have told her the truth anyways.

Thomas

November 1991

“What’s wrong, Kat?”

“Hmmm?” she said getting into bed.

“You’re acting weird.”

“I’m twenty five tomorrow, Tom, I’m a freaken hag.” She moaned

“Stop it,” I said bringing her close to me.

She laid beside me for a second, “fuck,” she said getting out of the bed and running to the bathroom.

I heard her throwing up.

“You okay, Kat?”

“Maybe its food poisoning,” she said coming back and sitting beside me. She had been getting sick for the past week and I had a feeling it was not food poisoning.

“You should take a test, Kat, just to be sure.”

“I already told you, they said it was impossible for me to get pregnant. I hardly ever even get a period anymore.”

“Just do it for me please?” I asked

She and I drove to the store and bought one.

“It’s a waste of money” she chirped

When we got home she went into the bathroom and came out.

“We have to wait a couple minutes.

She paced back and forth, looking more and more nervous.

“You look,” she motioned to me.

I went in and picked up the stick.

“There’s a line, Kat, what does that mean?”

Her eyes got big, “I’m pregnant, Tom, oh my god, I’m fucking pregnant.”

My mouth dropped, “Kat,” I said, reaching for her, tears forming in my eyes.

“I thought I couldn’t, they told me I wouldn’t again.” She held me close.

“I’m going to have your baby, Tom, oh my god.”

I put my hand on her belly and looked into her eyes, “wait does that mean we can’t have sex anymore?” I asked jokingly, reminding her of Shane’s fear of pregnancy.

She laughed, “God no, Tom” we can do it still as much as you want.”

“I want it now,” I said pulling her to me and kissing her hard. She wrapped herself around me, holding me close.

I never wanted to let go.

Darla

December 1991

Mommy told me on Christmas I was going to have a brother or sister.

I told her I didn’t want one.

She cried.

January 1992

Kat dropped Darla over at my house after the holidays.

Darla came right up to me and hugged me.

“Mommy says I’m gonna have a brother”

I shot a hard look at Kat

“Wait or sister” Darla chimed.

“Oh really?” I responded.

Darla shook her head happily.

“I’ll see you later,” Kat said trying to push past me.

I stopped her.

“Darla, can I talk to Mommy alone please?”

She smiled, “okay!”

“Have you been to the doctor?” I asked, the concern I felt surprising me.

“Yes.” She said, standing close to me still.

“And it’s okay?”

“Yes,”

“Does he… does Tom know how dangerous it is for you to be pregnant again?”

“Of course he does. We want this.” She said

“Don’t let it kill you, Kat,” I whispered

“You’re being ridiculous, Shane, why do you even care?”

“Because…” Why did it? Why SHOULD I?

She seemed to understand.

I moved towards her, “Don’t Shane.” She said.

My hands fell to my sides as I moved away from the door. She went past me, leaving.

Kat

January 1992

I sat on the floor of the tiny bathroom of the studio with tears streaking down my face, the pain in my body strengthening as blood continued to seep through my jeans and onto the floor.

I had wanted this, I wanted it so bad. I let out a breath which turned into a sob.

I tried to get up, but fell back to the ground as another contraction took hold of my body.

I heard a knock on the door, Kat are you okay?”

Thank god it was Tom!
I thought

“No,” I managed, “I can’t get to the door”

“What’s wrong, Kat?”

“I can’t get up, I can’t open the door,” I said

“Hold on.”

I heard him shouting on the other side and heard James’ voice join him.

“I’ll get it,” James said as he fumbled with the knob until I saw his face. His smile suddenly turned into fear as he saw the blood around me.

“You okay… Kat…” Tom started as he pushed past James and got on his knees, “Fuck, Kat.”

I felt dizzy, like I was going to pass out. I held his hand as he picked me up; it was the last thing I remembered.

Shane

January 1992

I couldn’t pick up the phone and call her. I tried to explain to Darla, who just said she didn’t want a sibling anyways. I was glad Kat hadn’t heard that. I felt a pang of sympathy for her, realizing I might have missed her more than I thought.

January/December 1992/1996

Kat was back to normal soon enough and we managed to release yet another album.

“Does it ever both you that I can’t have children, Tom?” she would ask me after her miscarriage.

“No, Kat. Darla is enough for me.”

And she was. Although I had been deeply upset that we had lost our child, I was able to watch Darla grow as she began trying to get onto Kat’s makeup and wear her clothes. She still spent every other week with Shane and was him through and through.

“How’s Dad?” Kat would ask her

Darla would always respond “okay” or “fine”.

Kat and I had minimal contact with Shane now. Kat didn’t seem to miss him; then again, I didn’t know what she was thinking about anymore.

Kat also reconnected with Gary during this time, forgiving him for acting the way he had. It seemed that our break with
Arctic Circle
had done wonders for our relationships.

Gary informed us that Brain had rejoined the band and they were soon to be releasing a new album. Brian had also gotten married which Kat also thought was hilarious.

She had eventually told me about the music video incident with Brian, along with her other escapades with the other members of
Arctic Circle
. She was completely honest with me and I her.

It was everything I had ever wanted.

January 1997

“I want to marry you, Kat. Make this official.”

“Oh, its official, Tom,” I said

“You know what I mean,” he sighed.

“Why though? Why ruin a good thing? I felt so… so suffocated when I was with Shane, with you… I feel… perfect.” I answered, smiling at him.

“I guess you’re right.”

He took me in his arms and kissed me softly.

“Happy New Year, Kat,” he whispered into my hair.

Thomas

January 1997

The phone rang the day after the New Year in 1997.

“Hey, can I talk to Kat please?” it was Shane

”Uh…yeah sure.” I put the phone down. “Kat, phone!” I called

“Got it,” she said from the other room. I listened on the other line curious.

“Bob is dying, Kat, and he’s asked to see you.”

“What do you need me to do?” she asked.

“If I come pick you up to go see him, will you come?”

“I… I guess I really don’t have a choice do I?”

“He’s dying Kat and he’s always thought of you as a daughter, no matter what happened between us. If we can just maybe out that aside for a couple of days…?” he said

“Okay, when?”

“Can you be packed tonight?”

Kat huffed. “Yeah I can be but Thomas…”

“I think he would understand, don’t you?”

“Yeah… I… okay.”

“I’ll be by in a couple hours.”

“Alright, see you.”

“Bye” he said hanging up.

She walked into the room where I was.

“It’s only a couple of days,” she stated, knowing I was on the other line.

“I know, but a couple days away from you…” I said kissing her neck.

“You want to real quick?” she murmured

“Not real quick but yeah…” I pushed her onto the couch.

“A couple of days is gonna feel like a lifetime,” I said after.

She giggled, “You’ll be fine.”

Would she?

Kat

January 1997

I kissed Thomas and Darla good bye as I strolled over to Shane who was in his car. He would be forty one next month and had a distinguished look about him that I had just now noticed.

“Just throw your bag in the back” he said.

I did as he told me to and hopped into the front seat.

“Ready?” he said casually.

I nodded my head.

It was a long drive, even longer without us speaking hardly. He wasn’t interested in small talk, just get there and back.

When we arrived, Shane’s mother, Susan ran to Shane. She took one look at me and said, “What’ SHE doing here?!”

“Dad asked I bring her” he said sheepishly.

“And you did?” she asked incredulously.

“Yeah, is Dad inside?”

“Where’s she gonna stay? Not here!”

“No, she’s checking into a hotel, I’m going to bring here there after she talks to Dad.”

Susan seemed satisfied with the answer, but her beady hawk eyes went right through me.

“You’re not welcome here,” she hissed. “Not after everything you’ve done to my son!”

I supposed she was right.

Bob was in the back bedroom on oxygen. My heart went out to him immediately. His eyes lit up when he saw me. “Kat,” he breathed heavily, “You came.”

I sat beside him.

“Leave us, will you?” he managed to Shane and Susan who exited, leaving me alone with him.

“Kat,” he huffed, kissing my hand, “Beautiful Kat, still and forever so beautiful.”

I smiled, “Oh enough of that.”

“You need to know you are,”

I blushed.

“Did Shane tell you enough? Is that why you left him?”

“It was complicated” I confessed.

“And now you’re with whatever his name is?”

“Yes, Thomas. He’s my guitarist.”

“Another guitar player, eh?” he winked at me and began coughing. I helped him sip water.

“Shane still loves you, you know. He wouldn’t have brought you here to me if he didn’t.”

“I still love him too” I answered honestly.

“What’s stopping you?”

I laughed, “I’m with Thomas now! And I love him, very much.”

“Can you love two people like that at once, Kat?”

“I like to think you can, it’s a different sort of love.”

“Lust?” he asked

I shrugged. “I guess lust is part of it.”

“Like for example,” he took a deep breath, “I love Susan, but you Kat; you’re an object of lust.”

My eyes bore into him.

“What?” I asked confused, “don’t say that, Bob, you are like a father to me.”

“But you’ve been anything but a daughter to me, Kat, I’ve thought about you, underneath that thin layer of clothing,” he touched my arm, I tried not to flinch.

“Would you deny a dying old man a kiss?”

I forced the tears gathering in my eyes to dry. The only man in my life I had considered a father figure saw me as a lustful object like all the rest of them. Men, hungry animals. I wanted to scream.

Dutifully, I bent down and opened my lips to his. When I pulled away, he smiled. “Now that’s a good girl, Kat. Let me rest, we will talk more later, okay?”

I nodded, leaving the room and shutting the door behind me.

“Can you take me to the hotel now?” I asked Shane, tearfully.

He shook his head yes.

Shane

January 1997

I brought her to the hotel and helped her with her bag. She checked in and walked to her room. “Well, this is me.” She said

She hadn’t spoke much on the way over and seemed sullen now.

“I can take it,” she said pointing at her bag.

“I got it,”

She opened the door and walked into the room. I set the bag down by the door shutting it behind me. She turned and faced me; she looked so much younger than her thirty years of age. She seemed almost childlike with her head down, cautiously glancing up at me. . We stood that way for minutes.

“Shane,” she murmured

“Shhhh” I said coming closer to her, pushing her hair behind her ear. She had tears in her eyes and her lip quivered. She looked down, hesitantly reached out her hands to my chest and then she put her hands on the buttons of my shirt. Slowly she undid each one. She removed my shirt, running her fingers lightly across my arms and chest. Her hands went to my belt, unhooking it and slithering it off, causing my pants to fall in a pool at my ankles. I turned her around and swept the hair from her neck, pressing my lips to it. She took in a sharp breath. I unzipped the back of her dress, watching it too fall to the floor. She turned to me, I kissed her then, with all the fire inside of me, all the wanting and waiting the past years.

“This might not last long,” I confessed before entering her. She didn’t care; she engulfed my body and ate me whole.

Still hard inside of her, I felt the fire arise once more and was able to spend myself once again. She was satisfied this time.

As I lay next to her breathing heaving, I explained to her I hadn’t been with anyone in a while. She asked how many since her.

“Two” I confessed like a guilty child.

“Oh” she said.

“Only when I want it,” I explained. “I’m not looking to get married again”

“Neither am I.” had she said “Thomas knows that and doesn’t expect it of me.”

“You don’t want to marry him?”

“It will ruin the magic,” she said smiling.

“And this won’t ruin it?”

“I’m not thinking about it yet.”

“Will you tell him?”

“Yes.”

“You’re brave.” I responded.

“We don’t keep secrets.”

“I’ve got to get back to the house, Kat, but I can come back after if you want?”

“Possibly,” she considered, “Call me after?”

When I got back to the house, there were sirens and an ambulance. My mother was hysterical, my father had passed and I had hardly gotten to say goodbye.

Kat

January 1997

I lay in Shane’s arms in the hotel, we had just gotten back from his father’s funeral and even though we had a long drive back home, we had to steal one last moment together.

“Tell me what’s on your mind,” he asked, rubbing my shoulder

“I’m nervous to see Tom,” I answered

He rolled me over so I faced him, “Don’t be.”

I pulled him down for a kiss.

In the morning we packed and headed home. We didn’t speak much, but no words could say what we were feeling or thinking. The way he glanced at me, the way he smiled was all I needed to know.

Thomas

January 1997

Kat got back a few days after the funeral. Immediately I could sense something was wrong. As she explained to me about Shane’s father she broke down in tears.

“Is there something else, Kat?” I asked dreading the answer and feeling a pit build up in my stomach.

“I…” she started. “I…”
“You slept with Shane.” I said softly, it wasn’t a question.

She burst into tears. I could feel the heat in my face.

“You really did?” I asked, “Why?”

She just nodded.

“Kat,”

“I know!” she said loudly, tears running down her cheeks. “God, I suppose you’re going to leave me now?”

“Leave you? No, Kat, I’m not going to leave you…”

“You should!”

“Kat, believe me, I’m fucking fuming, but I’m not gonna do that, unless that’s what you want…”

“Its not!”

“Then… don’t do it again plain and simple.” I said, trying to contain the anger boiling in me

She looked up at me

“I love you, Tom.”

“I know you do; Kat and I just don’t understand why you would do that after so long.”

“Tension was there? I don’t know it was a strange situation… with his father and all. I know it’s not a valid reason… I thought of you…” she tried to explain

“Don’t say you thought of me, Kat that just makes it even worse.”

She threw her arms around me. Pausing for a moment, I then put my arms around her and held her tight.

I went to kiss her and she turned away.

“What?”

“This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. It’s not the way I ever wanted it all to be. I’m so scared, all the time, about you and me, you know? I can’t blame my parents, even though I want to. Tom, I’ve never seem a positive relationship in my life, nor have I had one. With you… with you it’s the closest thing I have to everything I’ve ever wanted. I don’t want to lose that.”

I looked at her incredulously, her eyes puffy and her nose red from crying. I didn’t care that she had slept with Shane, she wanted me, and I wanted her. She was trying.

“Come here, Kat,” I motioned her into my arms

“Are you sure?” she asked

“Yes, I’m sure.”

She let me kiss her then.

Shane

January 1997

I shouldn’t have touched her. I should have ignored her and not given into temptation.

She was different now, never stopping in for conversation. Sometimes she would glance at me and I her, and I would feel it. The passion which had been missing from my life stirring deep inside of myself. She made it happen.

I had told Drew that I had slept with Kat. He was still one of my closest friends and with Kat out of the picture and the fact that Drew had not been the father of her child, we began to reconnect.

“You shouldn’t have done it,” he said straight to my face.

“I couldn’t help it, she was...”

“No, I know exactly what you mean, and now you know what it was like for me when you were with her.”

I turned to him, “You still have feelings for her,” I accused.

“I… no…” he said

I shrugged, “It doesn’t matter if you do or don’t anymore, I’ll probably never be with her again.”

He nodded in understanding.

“Come on, let’s go write something,” I said smiling.