She's Asking for It! (10 page)

Speak as plainly as possible, as this entire topic can be very confusing for men. This might be hard to believe – you might think that all men dream of a woman coming to them and asking for hard rough sex – but it can be an incredibly intimidating and frightening request. This goes back to what we were talking about before, in terms of men being told their whole lives to treat women a certain way, especially when it comes to sex. Whatever the reason, there are some things you can say to further explain your desires.

If he asks you if you want him to get really physical, just explain, “No, Honey, but there are times when I want you to call the shots and have your way with me; I might nag you for not cleaning up in the kitchen, but you can be as dirty as you want with me in the bedroom!”

If he asks if you’re happy in the relationship, by all means stress as strongly as you can that these desires have no bearing or consequences to your relationship, both day to day and long term, except to make you both more adventurous and try a new and different flavor in your sex life. If possible, try to tie it into a specific thing he did or said that inspired you. “I just got so frisky the other day watching you rebuild the car/play football/chop down that tree/BBQ that steak, and I was reminded all over again that you are just all man! It turns me on, and I wanted a little bit of that macho pointed in my direction!”

He can also be confused about the relationship, mistaking your request as a desire for him to be more controlling in your day-to-day life. Again, remind him that this pertains to the bedroom only. You love that he treats you with so much respect and that you’re seen as an equal partner in the relationship, you just want to feel more like a naughty girl once the bedroom door closes at night (or first thing in the morning, or on your lunch break).

Chapter 10 - Playing By the Rules

Rules and boundaries are incredibly important for any relationship, but when we start playing with power dynamics they become even more integral to safe, sexy, consensual play.

You know what you want and you know how to start talking about it, but what happens when something unexpected happens? Are you prepared to handle the reality of a fantasy that isn’t quite what you had planned?

Who Makes the Rules?

Rules for this kind of play can be flexible or very rigid. Depending on your needs, desires, personal experiences and history, there may be some “no-go” zones that you very much want to avoid. On the other hand, you may have no idea whether or not you like something until after you’ve tried it! Don’t put something off limits just because it’s unknown, but don’t stumble unprepared into something that you think will induce a panic attack or physically hurt something! You and your man both have the right to set ground rules before you begin and alter the rules as you go along. Just be sure to give your lover a heads up when something changes.

When making rules, safe words can be incredibly important. Red, yellow and green work well (like stop lights) for communicating how a specific thing feels or whether or not the situation is working for you. Red means stop everything right now, yellow means “proceed with caution” (in other words, keep going but move on to something different) and green allows you to give your partner the go ahead if they seem to be hesitating. Assure your partner that he can say a safe word as well. It takes two to do this tango and he has the same rights as you.

Backing Down

Once the two of you get into this kind of lovemaking, you want to make sure that the boundaries of your comfort are respected. While this conversation might be a bit rocky at first, some gentle reinforcement and demonstrating can smooth out the way. Again, the heat of the moment can be the best time for this, as you’ll quickly move onto other more pressing issues!

Sometimes a simple, “Not quite so hard, Stud!” can make him pull back or slow down a bit when he’s a little too enthusiastic. Other phrases can include, “Not too strong. Yes, just like that.” “OK, Baby, that’s it right there.” Even “Now, now, let’s not get carried away,” said with a cheeky grin and a wink can soften the criticism.

If you can’t help it and an “OUCH!” slips out, take immediate steps to stay in the moment (unless, of course, you really are injured!), as chances are that he didn’t mean it, and a sexy little one-line joke can bring you both back into the groove. If he keeps messing up somehow, you don’t want him to get performance anxiety! Simply say, “How about like this?” and demonstrate on him, then give a big fat sexy “Oh, yeahhhhh!” when he does it right. Men respond really well to positive reinforcement, so don’t forget the praise!

If he’s a little too into it, switch gears to a slower pace and a more gentle groove. It depends on how freaked out you get about it, but if he seems to have calmed down and it was a one-off, stick with the physical reinforcement to slow things down and get him back to a place where you are both comfortable. If you
ever
feel like he is out of control, then you should stop things immediately (if you can get him into a nice, slow groove then go for it … if not, use your safe words) and when you are done, have a conversation about it. No amount of sexual excitement is worth you feeling unsafe, even for a moment.

The best way to talk things out after all is said and done is to try and keep casual about what happened without negating your feelings. “You were really getting into it, Cowboy, what happened there?” Let him explain, and then finish up with, “Well, just try not to get too overwhelmed in the moment, OK? I still want to see that it’s you in there somewhere.” If he gets defensive or blames you, don’t react with anger. Stay cool and calm, tell him that neither of you have anything to be upset or worried about, just that you prefer your “rough” sex just a bit
less
rough than what it was, and that you would like to lower the bar back down a little bit, at least for now. Follow up with, “But don’t worry, we’ll get the hang of it, just like any new fun thing!”

If you can muster up just a little bit of courage, it can be important to talk about these things again before you’re both all worked up. Perhaps when you’re lying in bed together in the morning after a few kisses but before the sexual frenzy, bring up anything that may have happened during your lovemaking that really kills the mood (especially if it’s happened more than once) and explain why it crosses your boundaries, either because it just plain didn’t feel good physically, or because it had some kind of emotional or psychological effect that just didn’t groove with you. It may take some journaling on your part to figure out why something doesn’t sit right with you, so be sure to do your own exploring to be able to bring more understanding to the table.

Also keep in mind that for some men for whom this has been a specific fantasy, this behavior might start to bleed into your daily life. A bit of joking can be fun, and a sexy reminder of what you’ve been up to together (or might get up to later) can definitely titillate, but if he starts to treat you poorly by constantly violating your boundaries, or if his alpha male personality gets a bit overwhelming in the out-of-the-bedroom activities, or if he in any way tries to be rough with you at inappropriate times then it’s time to put your foot down and end the shenanigans.

Be clear, concise and to the point. “Hey, wait a minute. That stuff goes on in our bedroom, not out here. Keep it for sexy-time, Bucko.” Nice and stern for a moment, and make sure he knows he’s out of line. Remind him that you are still a strong and independent woman who can handle herself!

When Desires and Boundaries Clash

You know what to do when things aren’t working out too well for the both of you, but what happens when things work out really well for one of you, but not so much for the other? It is entirely possible that you will really love the idea of something that your partner is just not willing to do, or that your partner might get really into it himself and want to try something which pushes your boundaries too far. When it comes to the reality of sexual experimentation, personal exploration and compromise is absolutely necessary.

Don’t get me wrong; when I say “compromise”, I don’t mean doing something that makes you uncomfortable! If there
is
something that’s making you feel a bit weird, but your partner really wants to keep trying, you at least owe it to him to figure out why it affects you so. Journal, meditate, learn and explore. You may find that the emotional and psychological roots behind your discomfort are something you want to try and deprogram after all.

Chapter 11 - The Big O

After all that talk about the ways things can be difficult, it’s about time we explore all of the ways they can be absolutely amazing! Whether you are completely in touch with your orgasm or there are still a few things left to learn, you’ll find something interesting in this chapter about taking your climax to the next level.

Understanding Orgasm

Orgasm is a complicated phenomenon, especially for women, but even a man’s climax is full of nuance that most of us don’t yet understand. If you are one of the many women out there who have trouble experiencing orgasm, or even if you’d simply like to know more about where they come from and how they come about, there is a world of wonderful information out there; so much so, in fact, that I couldn’t possibly cover it all in this book alone. We’ll give you a bit of an overview, though and get you started in your exploration!

What does an orgasm look like? How do they work?

The Wave

Often orgasms are described in terms of a line graph, starting with absolutely no arousal and working up to a peak, then a decline. We are all quite capable of many different kinds of orgasms, but in general there are a few stages we work through.

First we get turned on. This desire stage allows the body to prepare for intercourse or other sexual stimulation by lubricating, increasing the heart rate, flushing the skin (which makes it more sensitive!) and sparking arousal. In this aroused state, we engage in heavy foreplay and often make our way to intercourse. Hopefully at least once during this interlude, each partner as the chance to reach a peak level of arousal and experience an orgasm! Of course, when the orgasm is done, we don’t just have to roll over and go to sleep. Arousal doesn’t crash immediately and most people, men and women alike, can “recover” or climb to another orgasm quite quickly after the first. Women in particular can experience orgasms that last several minutes at a time.

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