Shelter for Elizabeth (Badge of Honor: Texas Heroes Book 5) (16 page)

“And if she isn’t able to live a normal life again?”

“Then I’ll make her normal
my
new normal.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that. I love her. Did you not hear me? I don’t care. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

There was a slight pause before David spoke again in a tone a bit more congenial than he’d used a moment ago. “She’s at The Anxiety and Agoraphobia Treatment Center in Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania, outside of Philadelphia.”

“Thank you.”

“She doesn’t want to see you.”

“I know. I get that. I’ll give her time, but I’m not giving up on her.”

Cade heard David sigh. “For what it’s worth, she loves you. You hurt her, but even almost comatose from the amount of Xanax she’d taken to get up here, her first concern was for you. She was worried about disappearing on you and how you’d take it. She would’ve called you right then if she had a phone.”

Hearing that made Cade feel a smidgen better. He didn’t feel good about any part of this situation, but knowing that Beth was worried about him made him feel as if maybe he still had a chance to right what he’d done wrong. “You’ll keep in touch, let me know how she’s doing?”

“We’ll see.”

Cade wasn’t happy with his answer, but couldn’t blame the man. “Okay. If you see or talk to her…tell her I love her and I’m here waiting for her.”

“I have to go,” David said abruptly.

“Thanks for calling. Seriously. You have no idea how much it means to me and her other friends down here.”

“Bye.”

Cade wasn’t surprised David had ended the conversation so abruptly. He ran his hand over his face and took a deep breath. He had to call Penelope and the others and let them know Beth was safe. Now it was a waiting game to see what would happen next. He hadn’t lied to Beth’s brother; he wasn’t giving up on her. He’d wait for as long as she needed, but he wasn’t going to let her go without a fight.

C
ade sat
on the couch at the station staring at the football game on the television, but not seeing it. It’d been two weeks since he’d spoken with Beth’s brother, and he hadn’t heard anything from either Beth or David since. He’d accepted that the not knowing and waiting would be hard, but he’d had no idea it would be
this
tough.

“Heard anything, Sledge?” Chief asked from next to him.

Cade sighed. “No. Nothing, but I’m assuming she’s okay.”

“Why?”

“Because for the last week or so I’ve been signed up for no less than five online dating sites.”

“Huh? What’s that have to do with anything?” Squirrel asked from a recliner next to the couch.

Cade had admitted to all his buddies what had happened and all the shit things he’d said to Beth that night. They’d sympathized with him and hadn’t made him feel worse about it, for which he was thankful.

“Beth gets…bored easily. I can just imagine what it’s like being in a hospital filled with others who have misgivings about stepping foot outside.”

“How can you be sure it’s Beth who signed you up?”

“One profile described me as being an ‘overbearing Neanderthal who spoke before thinking.’”

“Ouch,” Taco chimed in, trying to hold back his snicker, with little success.

Cade smiled, even though that one had hurt a bit. “I have high hopes she’s thawing toward me though, because the last one described me as ‘misguided, but with my heart in the right place.’”

“Does it bother you that she can so easily hack into anything electronic you’ve got? What about your privacy?” Crash asked.

Cade didn’t mind the question and didn’t hesitate in answering. “Hell no. I’ve got nothing to hide from her. If she wants to hack my credit card and go on a spending spree, I’m all for it. It took me thinking she was dead to realize that I’d give her anything she wants…even if she doesn’t ask and just takes it.”

“That’s kinda fucked up, man,” Squirrel stated with a shudder.

“No, it’s not. Because I know her. She’s not ever going to steal from me. She’s not that kind of person. But I’m an open book to her. If she wants to hack my phone and read my texts? She’s welcome to it. She wants to check out my browsing history on my computer? She can knock herself out. I’ve got nothing to hide. Nothing. I love her. I’ve missed her more these last two weeks than I can possibly explain.”

“Yeah, going without sex for two weeks would kill me, man,” Taco teased from across the room.

“It’s not the sex,” Cade tried to clarify. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sleeping well without her in my arms, but it’s more that I miss being able to talk to her. To discuss work, what she did during the day, seeing her smile. You guys don’t get it now, but I swear you will when you find a woman of your own.”

The room was silent for a moment. The other guys finally seemed to get that what he had with Beth wasn’t a casual relationship. She was it for him.

Before anyone could say anything, Cade’s phone buzzed with an incoming text. Looking down, Cade’s breath caught.

You hurt me, and I’m still mad…but I can’t stop thinking about you.

Cade swore he felt his heart stop beating for a moment. He immediately texted back.

I’m sorry. I love you and think about you every day. I hope you’re okay.

He waited but she didn’t text back. He sighed, and decided to take her reaching out as a good sign. He wasn’t going to push his luck, but now that he had her number—she’d obviously gotten a cell phone sometime in the last two weeks—he wasn’t going to let her get away. He cared too much about her to give up now.

The tones rang out in the station and Cade had to put aside his thoughts of Beth and her text for the moment, but deep down he was formulating his plan to make sure she didn’t forget about him while she was gone.

B
eth read
the text message that came in and couldn’t stop the chuckle that escaped.

You wouldn’t happen to know anything about the box of men’s thong underwear that just arrived on my doorstep would you?

“Something funny?” Dr. Neal asked from the chair across from her.

Beth nodded. “Cade. He got my latest present.”

The doctor smiled at Beth. “I understand that he’s down in Texas, but I’m thinking it’s time he came up and had some sessions with you. Since you reached out two weeks ago and let him know how you felt, you guys have been talking almost every day, right?”

“Talking via text, yeah. But you know as well as I do that I only contacted him because it was a part of my therapy.”

“True, but at no point did I tell you that you had to
keep
talking to him. And he was the one who, once you texted him that first time, kept at it until you responded back.”

Beth blushed. Darn it. She hated that her doctor knew everything. Well, okay, she didn’t
hate
it, it was just hard to lie to her. “I wasn’t sure he would care.”

“It seems like he cares quite a bit to me. Beth, I can count on one hand the number of single men who would do what yours has done if he didn’t care. The fact that you have not only your family’s support, but apparently a man who loves you very much as well? A lot of people don’t have that. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, not at all, but I urge you to really think hard about it.”

Beth bit her lip in consternation. “He told me I wasn’t normal. That I was using him as a crutch.”

“And we’ve been over this. The truth is that you
aren’t
normal and you
were
using him as a crutch. I’m not trying to be harsh, but Beth, you know what happened to you is what caused this. You aren’t doing it on purpose and you’re here, doing what you can to get better. I’ll be honest, I could drug you up to your eyeballs and you’d be able to walk around all on your own…but if you can’t feel anything, what’s the point of living?” She paused, then brought up an unrelated topic.

“And I haven’t talked about it before now, but I have to tell you, I have a sneaking suspicion that you being here wasn’t a stroke of luck…am I right? I know how long the waiting list is—and you, my sneaky friend, weren’t on that list until a couple of hours before you arrived.”

Beth didn’t say anything, but the flush moving over her face probably gave her away, and she wouldn’t meet Dr. Neal’s eyes.

“For such a smart person, you certainly can be clueless at times. Beth, while I don’t approve of your actions—taking the spot of someone who has been waiting months wasn’t the fairest thing you’ve done—now that you’re here, I’m going to do everything in my power to help you. Beth, you might never be ‘cured,’ but the tools you’ve learned here will help you when you go back to Texas.”

Ignoring the part about hacking her way into the facility, Beth said in surprise, “Back to Texas?”

“Yes. Back to Cade. He loves you, Beth.”

“But my brother is here. He can help me.”

“He is, and he’s been a wonderful support for you, but you need more. You need someone to always be by your side and to help you when you slip, and to keep you headed in the right direction. I’d really like to meet Cade, Beth. It’s time.”

Beth’s breathing sped up and Dr. Neal was immediately next to her. “No, don’t panic, remember your training. Take deep breaths, close your eyes and think about your safe place. That’s it…good. You’ve gotten so much better at controlling your attacks. You’re going to get out of here much sooner than almost anyone I’ve treated. I fully believe it’s because of the confidence being with your Cade has given you. Now…are you ready to talk about him visiting?”

Beth opened her eyes to see her doctor kneeling in front of her. “Yes.”

“Good. I’ll expect to see him at your next session in two days. Make it happen, Beth.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

B
eth forced
herself to stay seated on the balcony of her room. The doors were open so she could dart back inside within seconds, but she so wanted to be able to sit outside and enjoy the cooler weather they didn’t get often back in Texas. She might have agoraphobia, but she wasn’t going down easily.

She painstakingly tapped out a text for Cade. She much preferred her full-sized keyboard, but she didn’t feel like moving. She was here, it took too much mental effort to get out onto the small balcony as it was, so she wasn’t going to mess with it at this point.

My doctor thinks you should come to a session with me.

Beth chewed on her thumbnail, waiting for Cade’s response. It wasn’t as if she thought he’d refuse to come, she was almost more scared that he
would
come.

Whenever it is, I’ll be there.

She let out a breath. Beth knew he’d agree. She still wasn’t completely sure about it, but she couldn’t deny a part of her wanted nothing more than to throw herself in Cade’s arms and have him hold her and keep her safe.

Whenever you can get here. There’s no rush.

I can be there tomorrow if you need me.

Jesus. Just when she didn’t think she could love the man more, he made her feel like an ooey-gooey marshmallow.

I have another session the day after tomorrow.

What time?

Whatever works for you.

I’ll be there as early as visitors are allowed.

Beth put the phone down in her lap for a moment and looked up, trying not to cry as she had an epiphany about her relationship with Cade.

She hadn’t run from him because of what he’d said…not in the way he probably thought. After she’d gone into his room, she’d realized he was right. Every single word out of his mouth was dead-on. She knew playing with the matches and candles was a slippery slope she might not be able to come back from. She’d traded one coping mechanism for another.

She wanted to be the kind of person Cade was proud to stand beside. She wanted to be there to support him, not have him be the one propping her up all the time. Knowing she wouldn’t be able to if he was there holding her hand was what enabled her to make the painful break.

But suddenly the thought of seeing him again, and knowing he’d drop everything to fly halfway across the country for a simple therapy session, said everything it needed to.

Visitors are allowed at nine.

I’ll be there at eight-thirty so I’m the first person through the door.

Beth could barely see the screen through the tears coursing down her face. God.

I love you, Beth. I’ll be sure to wear one of the fancy pairs of underwear you ordered for me.

She smiled at that, thankful her man had a sense of humor.

Her man. She liked the sound of that.

Now if she could only make it through the session with Dr. Neal without blowing it.

C
ade sat
on the bench outside The Anxiety and Agoraphobia Treatment Center with his hands dangling between his legs and waited for it to open. It was eight-twenty, and he couldn’t wait another moment to get there. He’d flown up the evening before and had only been able to sleep a couple of hours. Knowing he was so close to Beth but he couldn’t get to her was killing him.

He needed to feel her safe in his arms. There were so many things he wanted to say, and the first would be an apology. He had no idea what she was going through. It was easy for him to say she was using him, but did he care? No. She could use him all she needed to.

A slender woman wearing a dark blue power suit walked up to the front door and stopped, looking down at him. “Cade Turner?”

Cade looked up in surprise. “Yes, that’s me.”

The woman turned to him and sat down on the bench, placing her dark brown briefcase on the ground next to her. She crossed her legs and held out a hand. “I’m Dr. Neal, Elizabeth’s doctor.”

Cade immediately reciprocated the gesture and gripped her hand. “It’s good to meet you. Beth has nothing but good things to say about you.”

“Then she’s lying. There are times when she really doesn’t like me at all, but it’s all a part of the process. Thank you for coming today.”

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Beth. All she has to do is ask and it’s hers.” Cade didn’t even fidget as the doctor looked him over for several moments.

Finally, she spoke. “I told her this already, and I think you should hear it too. I can’t say it enough. It’s possible she’s never going to be completely cured. Many times, agoraphobia is a lifelong affliction. She’ll get better and you’ll think she’s over it. Then there’ll be a day where all she wants is to hide under the covers. You could be in the middle of an ordinary outing that she’s done successfully hundreds of times and she’ll have a setback. Being here isn’t a cure, Cade.”

“I don’t think you get it,” Cade articulated clearly, his ire showing through his modulated words. “I
love
her. She’s the most amazing human being I’ve ever met. She’s funny, smart as hell, compassionate, and I can’t imagine my life without her in it. I don’t want a perfect Beth. She’s the way she is because of everything she’s been through. I wish I could turn back the clock and make it so that asshole didn’t get his hands on her, but I can’t. All I can do is stand by her side now as she makes her way through the life she’s got.

“As far as ‘setbacks’ go, I don’t care. If she wants to hole up in our bed all day, I’ll do what I can to be there with her. If she has a panic attack in the middle of the grocery store, I’ll leave all our groceries right in the aisle and get her to a place where she feels safe. I need you to tell me what I can do to help her, but being by her side and supporting her isn’t something you have to teach me. I’m already there.”

“Good. And I agree. You should know that as much as it doesn’t seem like it, Beth is one of the lucky ones. She’s a highly functioning agoraphobic. Since it was triggered by a traumatic event it’s easier to treat.”

“What about the fire thing?” Cade asked, knowing what she told him in regards to it might not be what he wanted to hear.

Dr. Neal waved her hand in the air in dismissal. “I think that’s the least of your worries.” At Cade’s look of disbelief, she continued, “Look, I know you’re a firefighter and putting out fires is what you do for a living, but pyromania is an impulse-control disorder. That’s not Beth’s issue, feeling
out
of control is.”

“Impulse-control disorder?”

“Sorry, yeah, it’s where a person can’t resist the impulsive desire to set fires. It’s also the same disorder that causes kleptomania and gambling addictions. People with it usually know it’s not right, but they literally can’t stop themselves. Beth started experimenting with fire because it was something she had power over. It helped with her anxiety because it gave her something else to focus on, to control, other than what was stressing her out, but I firmly believe that by teaching her other coping techniques, the fire thing won’t be an issue anymore.”

When Cade didn’t look placated, Dr. Neal asked, “What’s your real concern, Cade? That she’ll burn down your house? That you’ll be embarrassed if your buddies know you’re dating someone who likes to set fires? What?”

“No! God, I don’t care about that. Okay, I did worry about that at first, but Beth—
Beth
is my biggest concern. What if she hurts herself? What if she starts a fire and gets trapped? If I can’t get to her in time, she’ll burn to death.”

“Ah…a firefighter’s biggest fear. Look, Cade, I can’t promise that she won’t get hurt, just as you can’t promise her that
you
won’t get hurt while on the job. Hell, you could get hurt lighting the grill in your backyard. The best I can offer you is to talk to her. Communication is really important with someone like Beth. Ask her how she’s doing, ask what she’s feeling, make sure she knows you’re there to listen to her—and when she
does
talk to you, pay attention. Stop everything you’re doing and really hear what she’s saying.”

Cade nodded and kept his eyes on the doctor, absorbing everything she was telling him.

“I honestly think the pyromania was a short-term thing. She was feeling out of control and the fires helped her get some of that back.”

“There was a trash bag in her apartment full of matches and candles and stuff when I went to find her when she disappeared.”

“Yeah, she told me about that. She’d already come to the conclusion that she needed to get that under control, which was a healthy decision. Not a lot of people in her shoes would’ve had the strength to do that. As strange as this will sound, I think the fire at her apartment complex was a good thing. It scared her enough to really see the road she was on was a slippery slope.”

Cade sighed in relief and tried to sneak a peek at his watch. Eight forty-five.

Dr. Neal laughed, obviously noticing his not-so-subtle action. “Anxious are we?”

“You have no idea.”

“One more thing before our meeting this morning.”

Cade looked at her expectantly.

“There will be two other people joining our session. Beth doesn’t know about them, but I honestly think she needs to see them.”

“Will it hurt her? Because I don’t want her—”

“I think the two of you will be just fine.” Dr. Neal smiled hugely at Cade. “But to address your unimplied insult, I would never do something that would hurt any of my patients. Will she be surprised? Yes. Would she choose to see these people if I didn’t invite them? I doubt it. But, Cade, it’s my professional opinion that she
needs
to see them, to talk to them. If she’s going to move forward, it has to be done.”

Cade wasn’t sure he’d like whatever the doctor had planned, but it didn’t look as if he had a choice. He nodded once, grinding his teeth in frustration that he couldn’t fight all Beth’s demons for her. For now, it was enough that she’d asked him to come. That he’d be with her through whatever the doctor had planned.

“Come on,” Dr. Neal said as she stood. “Let’s go find your Beth. I know she’s just as anxious to see you as you are to see her.”