Shelter for Elizabeth (Badge of Honor: Texas Heroes Book 5) (15 page)

He’d made the decision that night after the discussion with the others at the firehouse that he needed to back off from their relationship until she could get her firebug tendencies under control. He wasn’t giving her up for good, but she had to want to get better, to want to stop the fire thing before he could go any deeper into their relationship.

Cade wanted to snort at himself. He wasn’t sure how much deeper he could go. He loved her. And knowing she’d turned to fire to help control her fears killed him. Having her in his home was not going to help with his decision to back away from their intense relationship for a while.

“Come on, sweetheart, let’s get going. It’s late, you have to be exhausted.”

She looked up at him. “I don’t have any of my stuff.”

“We’ll get anything you need later. I’ll take care of you, Beth.”

“I know you will. I’m trying to take this all in stride…but I’m having a hard time. If I can’t go back, I just…”

“It’s going to be fine. You’ll get through this. You’ve been doing a lot better. Hang in there.”

Beth looked up at Cade with questions in her eyes. Cade knew she was probably expecting more out of him. Hell, a week ago he wouldn’t have hesitated to tell her to make his home
her
home; he’d been about to do that very thing earlier this week. But he had too many questions now. He steeled himself against the lost look in her eyes.

It was for her own good. She needed more help than he could give her.

“Come on. I had to park a bit away from here because of the traffic. Things will look better in the morning.”

Beth nodded and they set off for his truck. Cade had no idea what the next day would bring—hopefully answers to some of his questions. For better or worse, they had to talk about her issues, and where the two of them were going from here.

“
W
hy don’t
you go ahead and go in and get comfortable. I’ll be in after a while.”

Beth paused on the stairs leading upstairs. She’d been pleased with how she’d been handling everything. She’d trusted her neighbor, he hadn’t kidnapped her, she’d stood outside with him for who knew how long before Cade showed up, without majorly freaking out. She had no idea if she’d be able to get back to her apartment, her safe place, the next day or not, and she’d done it all without using the lighter she’d taken to carrying around again.

The damn bag in the kitchen held all of her fire tools, except for one lighter. Finding that every once in a while she could use it to calm herself, she couldn’t bring herself to throw it away yet. It wasn’t as if she was actually setting fires with it…but the flame relaxed her enough so she could push the panic attacks away.

But this—she wasn’t sure she could handle Cade pulling away from her on top of everything else. He was her rock, even if he didn’t realize just how much she relied on him. She wanted to be whole for him.

Beth felt her heart kick into gear and her breathing increase. She curled her hands into fists and tried not to panic. “You’re not coming?”

“I’ll be up later.”

“Cade? Are you all right?”

“We’ll talk later.”

Shit shit shit.
“We have something to talk about?”

“Yeah, but it’s fine, Beth. Just get some sleep. It’s been a hectic night and I know you’re probably on the verge of collapsing. I’m just keyed up right now.”

Beth took a deep breath. There was no way she was sleeping at this point. “I think we should talk now. If you’ve got something to say, then you should get it off your chest.”

“Not now.”

Beth studied Cade. He was a long way from the easy-going man she’d gotten to know over the last few months. They’d disagreed in the past, but not like this. Dread worked its way up her spine and made her mouth dry. “I think now is the perfect time. Do you not want me here? Is that it?”

Cade clenched his teeth and Beth saw the muscle in his jaw tighten.

“That’s it, isn’t it? You should’ve said something when we were still at my place, Cade.”

“It’s complicated.”

“Complicated.” Beth laughed bitterly. “Is that code for ‘it’s not working out’? No wait, let me guess. It’s not me, it’s you, right?”

Cade leaned against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed. “No, it just means it’s complicated.”

“You don’t have to babysit me. I thought we were past this.”

“I thought so too.”

Now Beth was getting pissed. He was talking in riddles and Beth knew she was missing something big, but had no idea what. “Spit it out, Cade. If you’re sick of having to hold my hand, literally, all the time, just say so. I’m a big girl. I might be afraid of a lot of shit, but I’ll never stay with someone who resents me.”

“How did the fire start tonight, Beth?”

“What?” Beth was confused at the seemingly abrupt change of topic. “I have no idea. I was in bed when I heard shouts and the fire alarm went off.”

The look on Cade’s face didn’t change. “What about the fire on your patio a few weeks ago. How’d that start? And the burns on your fingers? I know that didn’t happen from you grabbing a pan. Did you hold a match too long? Get too close to one of your fires? What about all the candles you suddenly had around your place?”

Beth swallowed. Hard. She’d thought she’d been discreet. Obviously having a firefighter for a boyfriend meant he noticed those things. “What about them?”

“Are you seriously going to stand there and tell me they have nothing to do with tonight?”

“They don’t.”

Now Cade looked defeated. “Go to bed, Beth.”

“Cade. That fire tonight had nothing to do with me,” Beth said firmly, hoping against hope he’d hear the sincerity in her voice.

He didn’t say anything, but continued to stare at her, his gaze piercing as if he could see right to the heart of her.

Her voice dropped to a whisper. “I admit I’m…going through a-a phase where I find watching flames…soothing. But I
didn’t
start this fire.”

“Soothing. Are you listening to yourself?” Cade pushed off the counter and paced. “Beth, you can’t see what’s right in front of your face. I admit I was slow picking it up myself, but normal people don’t light matches until they burn down to their fingers and scorch them. Normal people don’t find fire comforting.
Normal
people don’t light trash on fire on their grill just to watch it burn.”

Beth had no idea if Cade purposely chose his words or not, but it was a moot point. They’d struck her with the force of a ten-ton truck. He continued on as if he hadn’t just ripped her heart out, trampled it, then tried to hand it back as if nothing was wrong.

“And that lighter you carry around? I suppose that’s just in case someone needs to light their cigarette?” Cade’s voice gentled as if he finally understood that what he was saying could be hurtful. “You can’t trade one crutch for another, sweetheart.”

“Is that what you think
you
are? A crutch?”

“Yeah. And Penelope. And your neighbor tonight. We’re all your crutches. And that’s okay; I have no problem with it. But I
do
have an issue with you using
fire
as a crutch. I’ve spent my entire life understanding and fighting fire. Faulty oil heaters, Christmas tree lights that overheat, cooking accidents from oil getting too hot.” He smiled sadly at the last example before continuing, “I have no problem being the hero and rushing in to save the day. But the deliberate setting of fires is something I can’t wrap my mind around.”

“I had nothing to do with the fire tonight,” Beth repeated for what felt like the hundredth time.

“Maybe. Maybe not. But the bottom line is that someday you
might
have something to do with a fire I get called to if you continue down this path. What if the next one kills someone? Will that be worth the high you get from it?”

Beth knew she should be freaking out. Should be panicking, but she was too busy trying to keep her heart from breaking open and bleeding all over Cade’s floor to worry about a pesky thing like breathing. Cade didn’t understand that she wasn’t getting a “high” from the flames; quite the contrary. They soothed something inside her, made it so that she felt she had some control in her life. Made it so she could function. She wanted to explain it. Tell him what the fires did for her, but she was scared. She didn’t want to lose him, but she couldn’t think straight. It seemed Cade had made up his mind, and he actually thought she had started the fire at her apartment complex tonight, no matter that she’d told him differently.

“So, this is it?” Her voice was flat and toneless.

“No. Hell no! That’s not what I’m saying. I don’t
want
this to be it. Beth, I love you. I love you so much this is hurting me more than it is you.” Cade ran his hand over his hair, obviously frustrated.

Beth doubted that, but he kept going.

“But I can’t leave you in my home wondering if today’s the day I’m going to get called back here to find the house ablaze. To find your dead body in a back room because you panicked at the thought of going outside. To find third-degree burns all over your body because one of the fires you started to ‘deal’ with things in your life got out of control. I love you too much for that.”

Beth bit her lip and didn’t speak. It was obvious Cade thought he had her all figured out.

“You need help, sweetheart. More than I can give you. I thought I was helping being there for you, letting you lean on me. But I see now that ultimately I wasn’t. You need professional help. Probably more than just your therapy group.”

“I’ll be out of your hair tomorrow,” Beth said, without losing eye contact with Cade. He stepped toward her, reaching out to put his hand on her shoulders, but Beth backed away before he could touch her. “You have no clue, Cade Turner. None. I wish you could walk just one day in my shoes. Just one. I didn’t start the fire tonight. Yes, I’ve been struggling with this new obsession with fire, but that fire on my patio a few weeks ago scared the shit out of me and I’ve been managing it since then. I’d planned on talking with Penelope about it…then you. But you jumped to conclusions, and the main thing I got from everything you just said is that you don’t trust me.”

“It’s not about trust,” Cade implored. “It’s because I love you so much and want—”

Beth waved his words away. “I remember the first time you took hold of my hand in the grocery store. I was with Penelope and she wanted to go do something with Hayden. I was nervous as heck but didn’t want to hold Pen back. You smiled at me and took my hand and I swear to God I felt my worries drain out of my body and onto the floor. I even looked back to see if I’d left a puddle behind us as we walked away. Not once have I ever thought I was a burden to you…until just now.

“The last thing I ever wanted to be was a liability. Why do you think I left California? My parents had no idea how to help me and I could see it was tearing them up inside. My brother wanted to move back home to help ‘take care of’ me. I don’t want to be taken care of, Cade. All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved for who I am.”

“Beth—”

She spoke over him, knowing if she didn’t get it out now, she might never be able to. He wanted to talk? Fine. She was talking. “I get why you’d think I started that fire tonight. I do. And I don’t blame you for it. But all I’ve wanted since Hurst raped me, since he stuck a knife in my side, since he put out burning cigarettes on my body…was to be
normal
. I thought I was making pretty good progress toward that until about three minutes ago, when you told me otherwise. I might never be able to stroll casually through the aisles of Walmart without a care in the world, but that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to have someone by my side supporting me while I make the attempt.

“I love you, Cade. I might be younger, but right now I feel as if I’ve got years on you. You have no idea—” Her voice cracked, but Beth powered through it. “You have no idea what you’ve done. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the matches. And the candles and the lighters. I’m sorry I was trying to do everything possible to be the kind of woman you needed. The kind who could sit in the stands during a softball game and cheer you on. The kind of woman you’d be proud to hold her hand and walk next to, not because she needed the contact to keep from freaking out, but because you couldn’t bear to be next to her and
not
be touching her. All my fire stuff is in a trash bag in my apartment. I did it two weeks ago. I’ve been working my way up to having Pen throw it out for me. I had an appointment set up next week to talk to my counselor about it all. I should’ve talked to you. I know that. But I didn’t want to disappoint you. Big fail on my part.”

Beth shrugged and stopped talking. She didn’t have anything else in her at the moment. She’d said what she needed to say.

“Get some sleep, Beth. We’ll talk in the morning. We’ll work this out. I don’t want to lose you. All I ever wanted was for you to be confident in yourself. To see yourself as the amazing person I see. And who Penelope, and Tex, and all my friends see.”

Knowing she’d never sleep, Beth nodded anyway and headed up the stairs. She slowly walked to the bedroom, hoping against hope that Cade would bound up the stairs apologizing. She entered the room which held so many wonderful memories of the two of them and shut the door. The latch of the knob sounded loud in the quiet room. Final.

As much as she was hurting, Beth knew Cade hadn’t meant to upset her. He was frustrated and worried about her. She couldn’t blame him. If she’d thought he might burn her place down, she’d have second thoughts too. But it didn’t change anything.

He’d been right about one thing. She
had
been using Cade and Penelope as crutches. It was as clear as ever to her now. If she was going to get better, she had to help herself. She couldn’t rely on anyone else to make her better. It was up to her.

C
ade tossed
and turned on the couch for the rest of the night…well, morning. He replayed his conversation with Beth over and over, and mentally kicked himself each time. He’d said things all wrong. He didn’t mean to imply she was abnormal, or that she was using Penelope and him. He’d only been worried about her, and about how she was coping.

A part of him worried about his own reputation as a firefighter, but now that he really thought about it, he knew his friends wouldn’t treat him any differently if they knew Beth was a firebug. They’d probably rally around him even more and do everything in their power to help both him and his girlfriend. Besides, he was more equipped than most people to handle her addiction. And he knew the others would do whatever they could to help, not ridicule either him or her.

She’d been through hell and back and he’d just thrown it in her face. Cade felt like shit and he couldn’t wait to make things right between then. He missed her, and she was right upstairs. Cade didn’t like the feeling. Not at all.

As soon as Beth got up, he’d make sure she understood where he was coming from, that he loved her and wanted her to get better. They’d get her help together. He’d take her to her appointment next week with her counselor and do whatever it took to get them back on track.

He wanted Beth in his life, however he could have her. He couldn’t stand to lose her now, not after everything they’d been through. He loved her and it would devastate him if he’d said something that made her backslide in her recovery.

Needing to see her, and make things right between them, Cade finally went upstairs and knocked lightly on his bedroom door. Looking at his watch and seeing it was nine o’clock, even with their very late night, he figured Beth would’ve been awake by now. He knocked again.

When he got no answer, he opened the door a crack and looked in.

Alarmed, he opened the door all the way and scanned the room. His bed was made and there was no sign of Beth. The bathroom door was ajar and it was obvious she wasn’t simply taking a shower.

Cade’s head spun as he stood there for a moment trying to process what he was seeing. Where was she? It wasn’t as if she could leave on her own…could she? How in the hell did she get by him?

Jesus, he was an idiot.

He stalked back downstairs and into his kitchen and picked up his cell, calling Penelope. Without giving her time to chat, he asked as soon as she answered, “Where’s Beth?”

“Good morning to you too, Cade. What do you mean, where’s Beth? She went home with you.”

“She’s not here. Did you pick her up?”

Penelope sounded a bit less nonchalant now. “No. What happened?”

Cade sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “We talked last night about her fire thing.”

“I take it that didn’t go well.”

“It didn’t go well.”

“She didn’t call me, Cade. Who else would she call?”

“Your counselor? Her parents? Brother? I don’t know, sis.”

“Okay, we’ll divide and conquer. I’ll call. You see if you can get ahold of her parents.”

“I don’t know their number.”

“Shit. I don’t either. Okay, she had to have gotten ahold of someone, right? It’s not like she could’ve walked back into town.”

“She probably used the phone in my room. I’ve got a landline in there but I never use it, so I forgot about it. I’ll see if Cruz can help me.”

“That’s not exactly legal. Why don’t you swing by her place and see if she’s there before you bring in the FBI? She’s probably there licking her wounds. I’ll call her doc and meet you there. Okay?”

“Right. See you soon.”

“I’ll call if I hear anything.”

“Thanks, Penelope.”

“We’ll find her, Cade. Try not to worry.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

Cade clicked off his phone, rushed into his bedroom, and threw on a pair of jeans and a clean T-shirt. He quickly got into his truck and headed for Beth’s apartment. He hadn’t scoffed at his sister’s words, but he wanted to. Not worry? Not possible.

The no-trespassing signs hung by the fire department the night before were still up at Beth’s apartment complex, but Cade ignored them, waving to the fire marshal. Luckily the man recognized him and didn’t seem to mind him being there.

Cade knocked on Beth’s door, but didn’t get an answer. He pulled out the extra key she’d given him and entered.

He knew immediately she wasn’t home; there was a silence that only came with emptiness. Cade looked around, trying to decide if she’d been there since the fire last night. He walked into the kitchen and saw a garbage bag sitting on the floor next to the tall trash can.

Cade peeled back the plastic and looked inside.

There were dozens of candles and what had to have been a carton of kitchen matches, still inside their jackets. There were also at least two propane sticks that he could see, amongst the other paraphernalia. Cade swallowed the bile that rose in his throat.

Beth hadn’t lied to him; she really was trying to give it up.

She’d done this sometime before the fire last night. It was obvious from the water damage in her kitchen, from the water thrown on the flames last night. He looked up. The ceiling still had some water dripping in places—including on the bag that held all of Beth’s demons.

He dropped the plastic bag as if it’d physically burned his hand and stalked into the living room. There was water damage in there as well, but not as much as in the kitchen. Seeing nothing out of place, Cade pushed open her bedroom door. The bed covers were thrown back as if she’d just climbed out of it.

As if she’d been woken up in the middle of the night by screams, just as she’d claimed, and had scrambled out of bed.

Not sure what he was really looking for, Cade peered inside her closet, then her bathroom. Again, nothing stuck out as missing.

Realizing with sudden clarity what he
should
be looking for, Cade’s eyes swept the room. Not finding what he was seeking, he hurried back into the living room, knowing with a glance she’d been here and was now gone.

Cade settled onto the soggy couch, ignoring the dampness of the cushions, and put his head in his hands.

Penelope and Moose found him that way ten minutes later. The counselor wasn’t with them, but it didn’t matter now anyway.

“Cade?” Penelope asked with concern.

“She’s gone,” Cade said without lifting his head. “I fucked up and she’s gone.”

“How could she be gone?” Penelope asked in confusion. “She hasn’t gone anywhere without one of us with her for the last couple of months. I talked to the doctor who leads our group and she hasn’t heard from her, but that doesn’t mean Beth
won’t
contact her.”

“I guess humiliation and hurt are powerful motivators.”

“Sledge, man, come on. I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” Moose said, putting his hand on Cade’s shoulder in support.

Cade looked up at his friend. “I told her she wasn’t normal. I said she was using me and Penelope as a crutch.”

“I’m sure you were trying to make her see that she needed more help than we could provide.” Penelope tried to ease her brother’s obvious pain.

“I was, but it came out all wrong. I love her, Squirt. What if she’s having an attack right now? What if she’s out there, hyperventilating and scared someone is going to snatch her off the street? What if she turns back to fire because of what I said?”

“Do you have any idea where she might have gone?” Moose asked, trying to get Cade’s mind away from the pit he was spiraling toward.

“No. All I know is that she’s gone. She took her computer. She wouldn’t go anywhere without it.”

“That’s it! Cade, you’re a genius,” Penelope exclaimed, pulling out her phone.

Cade could only stare at his sister in confusion. He’d known the second he’d seen Beth’s laptop bag was missing that she’d fled. She wouldn’t go anywhere without her precious computer. It was her lifeline.

Penelope held up a hand, preventing Cade from asking the questions she knew he was dying to ask as she waited for someone on the other end of the line to answer.

“Hey, it’s Penelope. I need a favor. Please call as soon as you can.”

“Who was that?” Cade asked after she hung up.

“Tex. If he could find me in the middle of a Turkish hell, he can find Beth.”

“I don’t know; she’s pretty good with that electronic shit, I’m sure she can hide from him.”

“No way. From everything I’ve heard, Tex is the best. And Beth might be good, but Tex is better. He has to be.”

Cade felt hope for the first time that morning. Beth had made it back to her apartment, so she had to be okay. Where she was now, he had no idea, but he’d find her and make her listen to him. He loved her. He did remember telling her that last night, but he’d prefaced it with so much shit, it was no wonder she didn’t believe it.

He trusted his sister and this Tex person, but it wouldn’t hurt to call Cruz, Daxton, and Quint as well. They’d certainly be willing to help look for her if needed. They’d only met Beth once, but knowing how Cade felt about her, they’d definitely do what they could to track her down.

Having Mackenzie, Mickie, and Corrie around would help Penelope as well. She acted tough, but not knowing where Beth was would wear on her. The women could band together and help give Penelope comfort.

The guys at the station would help, of course. They’d blanket the city and find her. If she was holed up at a hotel somewhere, they’d all take turns calling places to see if she’d checked in. He and Penelope both had some awesome friends—but all Cade wanted was to see for himself that Beth was all right.

He’d driven her away with his words, and now he needed to right that wrong.

F
our days later
, Cade paced the length of his living room. He’d spoken with Cruz, Quint, and Daxton, and they’d assured him they’d do what they could to find Beth for him. It was driving him crazy that he had no idea where she was. He wasn’t sleeping and he’d taken a week off work. There was no way he could concentrate enough to make sure he wasn’t a danger to himself, his friends, or any patients they might have to deal with.

Cade knew Beth had to be nearby. She’d been getting better at being outside, but he didn’t think she’d be able to get on a plane or bus yet…not with her panic attacks. She
had
to have another person here in San Antonio who she felt she could turn to in order to help her. She hadn’t talked about any other friends in the area, but that didn’t mean she didn’t have them.

Cade started to panic, thinking about different scenarios. Maybe she’d gotten close to one of her hacker friends and had gone to him or her…and if that person turned out to be a psycho, he might never see or hear from her again. The thought made his stomach turn.

His phone rang and Cade quickly swiped the screen and brought it up to his ear. Expecting it to be his sister, he asked without saying hello, “Did you find her?”

“Beth is fine, she just needs some time.”

“Who is this?” Cade asked in confusion, not recognizing the deep voice on the other end of the line.

“Her brother, David.”

“Have you spoken with her? Can I come see her? I need to see her!”

“Yes, of course I’ve talked with her, and as I said, she’s fine. She doesn’t want to see anyone right now. Some guy named Tex got in touch with me and said you were worried about her, and that I should contact you.”

Cade eased himself onto the couch. He had a million questions, but didn’t think the irritated man on the other end of the line would put up with all of them. “Thank you. But when? When can I come and see her?”

“I don’t know. It’s up to her. If it was up to
me
, you’d never come anywhere near her ever again,” David said in a stern voice. “She didn’t tell me everything that happened, but for the last few months she’s sounded happier and better than she’s been in a long time…ever since that fucking asshole kidnapped her. When she called me the other morning, it was as if she’d reverted to the person she’d become right after her ordeal. She couldn’t stop crying and she was barely making sense. Something happened, and if I wasn’t more concerned about my sister, I’d fly down there and kick your ass.”

“Where is she?” Cade’s voice broke as he asked the question that had haunted him for four long days.

“Somewhere safe.”

“Please, man, I get that you’re pissed. Hell, I don’t blame you. I’ve been kicking my own ass for the last couple of days. I just need to know where she is and that she really is safe.”

“Pennsylvania.”

“What? How’d she get there?”

“It wasn’t easy. She had stuffed herself with so many drugs, I’m not sure she even recognized me when I picked her up at the train station.”

“Jesus,” Cade breathed. “Anyone could have messed with her while she was like that. Is she with you?”

“No. She checked herself into a hospital up here that specializes in treating agoraphobia. I have no idea how she got in, as they have a waiting list at least six months long, but I’ve learned over the last few years not to ask when it comes to computers and my sister.”

Cade chuckled without much humor. It sounded just like something his Beth would do. Hack into the database and get herself a coveted spot in a treatment center. “You’re in Philadelphia, right?”

“Don’t even think about coming up here, Cade. I’m only calling because Tex insisted you needed to know. I wouldn’t have bothered otherwise.”

Realizing how pissed Beth’s brother was at him, Cade treaded carefully. “I admit I said some shit I probably should’ve waited to talk to her about. But she pushed. And again, before you say it, I know that’s no excuse on my part. But I was worried about her. I was afraid she was stuck inside her apartment as it burned down around her. I didn’t think I’d
get
to see her again. So when she insisted I tell her what was bothering me, I spoke out of stress and my concern for her. I love your sister, David. I’ve never felt as much fear as I have the last four days, not knowing where she was, if she was all right. I’ll keep my distance as long as she needs me to but I’m not giving up on her. She’s it for me.”