Shattered Hart (17 page)

Sabrina looks horrified, and I wonder if she will let me stop talking.
  “Damien, where in the hell was your family? 
I know your mom cut Sandra off when she married your father,
but that
doesn’t explain…
where the hell was your grandfather?
  Did no one see this?  Why
didn’t
someone help?”

I shake my head at her.
  “If only it was that simple. 
Our
grandfather knew
all about it, but he just didn’
t care.  The old man did not give a shit about family.  He cared about the business, and he cared about sex.  We were just… heirs.”

“His contribution was sending us to school.  We
were terrorized
by
him
and
both of
our
parents before we went.  They told us that if we talked about anything that happened at home, we would be taken away and separated from each other.  We were just kids, and the only thing we had was each other, so their threats worked. It helped a little that Spencer was in my grade.  His mother was one of
our
mother’s friends.  He was just as fucked as we were, and we all helped each other.”

“When
our
mother got pregnant with the twins, it was a nightmare.  She gained fifteen pounds and got almost no prenatal care. 
You
could hardly tell she was pregnant.  She smoked, drank and fucked her way through the pregnancy.”

“Nothing ever stopped those selfish assholes.  The girls were underweight and kept in the hospital for a month before they came home.  She used that time to rest up.  Once the girls came home, they
were dumped
on Dante
and
me,
and life went on for
our
parents.  I
don’t
remember either of them ever changing even one diaper.  Not one.  There was an illegal woman who did not speak English who would come and care for them during the day, but she
was dismissed
every afternoon when we came home from school.  We were damn lucky to have her, because if she had not been around, we would not have even been able to go to school at all.”

“I guess the saving grace in a
ll of this was that they didn’t
starve us.
Ramen noodles, Chef Boyardee, cans of soup, crackers, potato chips and Velveeta cheese.
  Those were the only
foods they would buy, and that’
s what we lived on.  They bought cases of diapers, wipes and formula and left the rest of it to Dante and me.  Every fourth Friday,
our
grandfather’s maid would bring us clothing for the month.  Other than the food and the clothes, we
were given
nothing.  No love, no parenting, no birthday presents, no holidays. Nothing normal families do."

“Their behavior got more and more out of control as the years went on, as
you
would expect with addicts.  He fucked everything that
wasn’t nailed
down, and she did the same. The girls were three when
our
mother
was diagnosed
with AIDS.  She killed herself within a week.”

I struggle to continue, my heart pounding in my chest.  I dream about this often and each and every time it makes me ill
.  “She… the crazy bitch left notes for Dante and I.  She told us that she got AIDS because
our
father took her happiness and destroyed her life, and she hoped we killed ourselves before we could ever destroy a woman with the toxic sludge that is in our blood.  She wrote that she regretted not only marrying
our
father
,
she wished she had never
laid eyes on him, and she was certain that we would probably turn out to be disgusting sex addicts, bending women to our will, just like him.”

I have to stop talking
when
I
realize that
I’m on the
verge of breaking down
.
  When Sabrina puts her
arms around
me for a tight hug, I feel shame that I’ve told her all of this.  No one should have these thoughts in their head. 
It
i
s
bad
enough that Dante and I do. 
I’m flabbergasted when I realize that
,
for the
first time in my adult life, I’
m crying.
 

“Oh, Damien… she
was unbalanced
.  She was selfish and pathetic, and she took the easy way out.”

“That’s the thing Rina.  I wanted to believe she was crazy.  I know Dante did too.  God knows, living with just
our
father was even worse than having her around. 
Our
grandfather
died
just a few months before she did.  Once they were both gone, things got worse.  His drug use escalated to epic proportions.”

“The truth of what she said did not come home to roost until we met Sandra. 
You
know Sandra as well as anyone.  Look at her.  She shares blood with
our
mother, and she is one of the nicest and most nurturing people I’ve ever met.  They
were raised
by the same people, so
our
mom must have started out a lot like Sandra. 
Our
fucked up father, who
was raised
by his fucked up father, destroyed her.”

“Dante the girls and I got lu
cky
because we had each other.
I will never, ever
,
put myself in a situation where I can destroy all the joy in a woman’s life. 
You
see me.  I
don’t
even try not
to constantly move
from one bed to another.  Dante is no better.  We come from a line of sex addicts.  Sure, I’m a fun guy. 
But h
ow much fun would I be if I wasn’t having sex whenever I wanted?
  What if I could not be faithful?  I
can’t
take that chance.”

She looks devastated by what I’ve just revealed, but she also looks angry too.

“Damien. 
You
’
re so terribly wrong. 
You
don’t
see yourself for who you are. 
You
and Dante… you’
re phenomenal men. 
You
are
nothing
at all like your mother, your father, or your grandfather. 
You
’
re both so committed to your sisters, to your family unit. 
You’ve
never resented them, and
you’ve
been unbelievably strong.
You
think you are some shallow asshole, but I know differently. 
You
had enough room in your hearts to bring Brooke and me in to your lives, and you did it without even blinking an eye.  Do
es that sound like men who can’
t care?”

Stroking
my cheek, she
beg
s
me
with
her eyes to hear her
.  “Your only problem is that
you
have bought this horseshit that your mother said.  She
could
n’
t
be trusted to take care of
you
in life, and she showed herself to be thoroughly unrepentant for her behavior by leaving you those notes.  Only a monster would do that.  Whatever her problems were, they were hers.  Your father did not force her to treat
you
like shit.  She chose to do that, and she is responsible for her actions.  She compounded her sins in the end by trying to lay all of the blame for her
behavior at your fathers feet. They were both evil.
You
need to choose to leave both of those assholes in the dust, where they belong.”

Pulling me in for another hug she whispers
, “
You
’
re one thousand times more caring and more
amazing
than your parents ever
could have dreamed of being
, and so is Dante.  Stop letting them live in your head.  This is your life, and
you
deserve to be happy. 
You need to decide to stop letting their crazy box you in.
If
you
don’
t choose to make your own life a
nd your own decisions, they’
re still abusing you, even from the grave.”

This gives me pause.  Is it true?  Am I letting them abuse me even though they’ve both been dead for years?

Pushing my hair back from my forehead, she stares at me. 
“
You
frustrate me, because you have so much more to offer than you even realize.  Stop choosing to f
uck the easiest women that don’
t care if
you
commit or not! Take a chance! Find some
one with a little depth and see
what happens. 
Do you
actu
ally have such little faith in yourself that you imagine you will go crazy
,
or get abusive
,
if you spend more than one or two nights with the same woman?
I know, with one hundred percent certainty, that
you
would never do that.  I know your core Damien. 
You
want to be loved, and you have more than enough love to give
in return
.”

Grabbing
my face between her hands, she stares at me hard as she speaks
.  “Think of how much better
you
would feel if, instead of being afraid that you would continue the Hart legacy of shitty behavior, you chose to start a new chapter entirely. 
You
can start a new Hart legacy, and it can be positive. 
You’ve
got a lot to offer.  Stop keeping it in. As long as
you
live in their cage, they win. 
You
have to let them go.”

I want to believe her so badly that I’m shaking with it. 
Of course
,
my thoughts turn to Brooke. 
Could
I
ever
be good enough for her?
  Is it a possibility?

I grab Sabrina in a hug of thanks. 
Here
she is struggling with her own shit, and she still had enough concern for me as a human being to reach out.  These Tyler girls are something else
.

“I… well, I never thought of it like that. 
You’re
right.  I have been letting them continue to control me with their crazy.  I’ll need to think about this.”

She
smile
s
at
me
encouragingly.  "Do think about it.  There must be at least one girl that
you
have met who made a real impression?"

My heartbeat suddenly picks up
,
and
I check her face to see if
she
i
s
hinting about my feelings for Brooke.  Her face is open and honest, and I breathe a sigh of relief that she seems not to know. 

Before I realize I’m going to be honest I blurt out,
  "Yes.  There is someone who makes an impression, but I'm too damn scared that I might hurt her, even though being around her
makes me feel so…  Well, it would never work.  I need
not to think
about her like that because it would ruin everything.  I think she knows I like
her though, and fuck if I don’
t think she tries to make me crazy."

She gapes at me as I mentally castigate myself for revealing even that much to her.  Sabrina is no fool, and if she thinks about it long enough, she will realize that I am hiding something.

When she tries to ask me who I’m talking about, I shake my head and tell
her
that
I
can’t
discuss it.  Talk about uncomfortable.  What would I say to her?