Shattered (17 page)

All morning, I’d paced the floors waiting to see him, even though I was unsure of how to act or what to do when I did.  This was unacceptable.  He’d probably been up since five or six this morning and I was sure he didn’t eat a good breakfast.  He had to be hungry.  He was avoiding me.  I quickly gathered up a sandwich, an apple, a bottle of water and made my way out the door to the old red barn that stood on the edge of the property.  He wasn’t going to get off the hook that easy.  I reached the door and saw him mindlessly tidying the workbench on the far wall.

“You need to eat.”  He quickly turned from his work, startled. I walked over and put down the food that I’d brought him. “Here.”  Our eyes met and I could tell by the blank look on his face that he wasn’t expecting me to deliver his meal.  I took his indifference as a sign to leave.  As I was walking out of the barn, he finally spoke.

“I thought I told you to stay away from Collin.”  He kept his tone calm.  It was the first time I’d heard him say Collin’s name without spit-filled invective. I stalled, wondering how he knew I was with Collin when he had been preoccupied by the skank hanging on him by the pool table.  I turned to face him with a million questions running through my mind.

“I saw you together.” He picked up the bottle of water and twisted off the lid before placing it to his lips.  “I saw you through the upstairs window when he dropped you off at your car.”  He set the bottle down on the workbench and wiped the sweat from his forehead with the bottom of his white t-shirt, pulling up the fabric to reveal his firm, flat stomach and the denim waistband of his low-slung jeans.  I couldn’t let myself get distracted by how delicious he looked at that very moment.

“You were spying on me?”

“I wasn’t spying,” he defended his actions,  “I noticed your car out there.  My sister told me you came to see me at the bar, so I was waiting for you to come back. I wanted to ask why you didn’t come talk to me when you told her that’s why you were there.”

“I’m surprised you could pull yourself away from your date to check up on me.” I felt my eyes narrow in anger. “Besides, it’s none of your business who I hang out with.”

He shook his head in confusion.  “My date? What are you talking about?  I wasn’t on a date with anybody.  I was alone.  And, from the way you’ve been acting lately, it looks like I should make the people you hang out with my business.”

“Don’t lie to me,” I fired back, not letting him sidetrack me with his snide comment.  “I saw you with Randi Carver.  That’s why I didn’t go talk to you. She was all over you and from the look on your face you seemed to be enjoying it.”  

He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath as he recalled the events from that night, “I’m not lying to you and if you would have stuck around a minute longer you would have seen me tell her that I wasn’t interested.  Instead, you went running into the arms of that asshole.”

Maybe I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions.  

“Oh,” I mumbled in embarrassment.  Maybe he hadn’t moved on. I started to apologize for being so dramatic.  Of course, I just assumed the worst.  I always did. “Jess, I’m sor…”

“Forget it.” He sank his teeth into the apple.  As he pulled it from his mouth, his words cut through me as if I were as fragile as the apple peel, “I’ve been trying to talk to you for over a week now.  To tell you that I missed you and that for the last nine months you’re all I thought about.”

My heart sank.  He didn’t forget about me.  I stepped toward him, wanting to tell him I’d missed him too. “I…”

“I can’t believe you’re with him.  Don’t you know what kind of guy he is?”  He shifted the subject so quickly, that I’m not even sure if he remembered saying the sweet things about me in the first place. “Ask the last girl he dated what kind of guy he is.  He’s a prick.”  He continued on his rant about everything that was wrong with Collin. All things I already knew.  He was reckless, arrogant, possessive.  

My head hung as I waited for Jesse to calm down.  I’d grown used to his stubborn-headed tirades and knew if I gave him a minute he’d take a deep breath and let me state my case.  I wasn’t expecting what came out of his mouth next. “Garrett would be so disappointed in you.  He’d never let you hang around an asshole like Collin Smolder.”  

Just the mention of his name made me feel as if a fifty-pound boulder had been dropped on my chest.  “Don’t you dare bring Garrett into this!”

“Why?  Because you know it’s true?”   I was furious when I couldn’t argue his point.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have come back.”  I could tell by the instant look of repentance on his face that he’d let his temper get the best of him, but I didn’t wait for him to apologize.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have,” I replied as I turned my back on him and rushed out the barn door.  The ominous clouds released the first raindrops of a thunderstorm, just as the tears began to fall from my eyes.  As I jogged back to the house, I heard Jesse’s curse followed by what I could only assume was the sound of his fist hitting the wall of the barn.

I spent the better part of twenty minutes crying after I found the safety of my pillow.  The thunder and lightning now joined the already pouring rain.

“You okay?” my father called out from my bedroom doorway.  The genuine concern on his face told me that our conversation last night had meant as much to him as it had to me.

“Yeah,” I lied, wiping my eyes.  “I will be.”

He just smiled and nodded his head, “Ok.”  Our rekindled connection was still fresh, and my father hadn’t had much practice with the emotional rollercoaster ride that came with having a teenage daughter.  I appreciated his effort, but knew that I’d have to deal with it myself.  When he was gone, I walked over to the draw I’d managed to stay away from for over twenty-four hours.  Jesse’s words still replayed in my mind.   I hadn’t thought about Garrett in a couple days and the guilt I had anytime I realized I’d neglected to remember him was bad enough.  I didn’t need Jesse throwing his name out there to punish me.   The more I imagined the truth behind his words, the angrier I got.  I didn’t need him using Garrett to remind me that I was screwed up.  I knew I was.  When I’d finally had enough of mentally berating Jesse, I did the one thing I knew would piss him off.

Pick me up.

I typed out the text and sent it to Collin.

As my system absorbed the medication my attention span shortened and his words were pushed aside. I waited on the front porch for Collin to arrive. The torrential sheets of rain fell excessively drenching the ground.  My attention focused on a puddle that had formed at the bottom of the porch steps, watching each succeeding rain drop’s ripple and trying to keep count.  Anything to avoid the stare I knew I was receiving.  I could feel Jesse’s eyes waiting for mine to meet them, but I wasn’t in the mood to comply.  My dad had sent the other two workers home for the day, but I knew that Jesse was waiting out the rain when I saw his Jeep parked in the dry shelter of the barn.  He’d forgotten the ragtop to cover the cab, thus eliminating his dry ride home. He hadn’t checked the weather before coming to work this morning.  He never did.  I recalled more than a handful of times we’d been forced to seek refuge under an overpass or in someone’s empty garage, waiting for a shower to pass.  He now waited for a reprieve in the weather to make his escape and was biding his time by watching me.  

I heard the roar of Collin’s truck as it made its way closer to my house and up the driveway.  I wasn’t the only one.

“Really!?” he yelled out in disbelief that I was going somewhere with Collin after he‘d all but forbidden it.  I took a moment to glare in his direction before climbing in the dry sanctuary of Collin’s truck.  I barely managed to make out Jesse’s sarcastic remark before shutting the door. “I hope you two have a great time together.”

“Where we goin’?” The calmness on Collin’s face let me know that he didn’t hear Jesse’s smartass comment.  I glanced in the side mirror to see the disapproving head shake I was receiving.  The hurt in his eyes almost made me get out of the truck.

“Anywhere but here.” I pulled my seatbelt on and turned my eyes forward and listened to the gravel crack as we pulled out of the driveway.  We spent the next hour driving around aimlessly.  I did my best to appear unnerved by the situation I’d left behind.  Unsurprisingly, Collin didn’t even noticed I was upset.  I let him ramble on about his day, letting it go in one ear and out the other, as my mind shuffled through all of the events leading up to me sitting in this front seat of the truck.  The accident, graduation and the subsequent celebration that followed, the night of the race, seeing Jesse at the bar and our argument today.  Allowing each one to play out only long enough to make me cringe.  
What have I been doing?  
I knew that I’d been avoiding reality as often as possible and the medication wasn’t helping.   I was sure that I’d taken so many pills this week that I’d built up a tolerance to their effect.  My mind was starting to clear when Collin pulled on to the dead-end field road.  He settled the truck in the lowest part of the road that sat between two cornfields, hiding us from the view of traffic that would pass back on the main road.  He shut off the engine.

“Come on.” He smiled as he opened his door and stepped down out of the truck.  I hesitated before joining him outside, hoping the fresh air would continue to clear my mind. When I finally did, I found him sitting on the lowered tailgate opening a beer he’d pulled from the cooler stashed in the back of the truck.  In what I assumed was thoughtfulness, he’d placed an old blanket down in the bed of the truck to soak up the wetness left over from the storm. He offered me a beer.

“No thanks.”  I shuffled my foot in the tall grass that framed the road collecting the droplets of leftover rain on my toes and flip-flops.

“Sit.” He patted his hand on the tailgate next to him and proceeded to light a cigarette he’d retrieved from the pack in his front pocket.  I complied and boosted myself up next to him.  “So, what’s up?” He exhaled his first drag, letting a cloud of smoke rise up in the humid air.  There was a break in the rain and the clouds parted just enough to let the hazy light of dusk shine through.  Off in the distance, I noticed the dark, rolling clouds that indicated it would only be a matter of time before the rain started up again.

I debated on whether or not I wanted to fill him in on everything that happened with Jesse, but decided against it.  I knew he didn’t really have a vested interest in me, so there was no point in burdening him with my drama.  

“Just a long day,” I said as he flicked the half-smoked cigarette in the road.  My eyes focused in on the glowing tip of the discarded cigarette.  I watched as the water on the ground soaked into the filter and tobacco before snuffing out the embers.  I hadn’t even noticed that Collin had moved over right next to me until I felt his breath on my neck.

“Let’s see if I can’t take your mind off of it,” he whispered in my ear.  I felt my body stiffen as he moved his lips up my neck and jaw line.  His lips were on mine within seconds, the taste of beer and tobacco still loomed as he drew his hand up on the back of my head.  His fingers tangled in my hair, pulling me closer and increasing the pressure on my neck and lips. The thought crossed my mind that I’d screwed up any chance I had with Jesse, so I might as well take advantage of the attention I was receiving from Collin. I tried to relax into him by opening my mouth and allowing him to deepen our kiss.  His tongue ravenously pressed against mine.  He moved his free hand to my waist, never letting my head go with the other.  The forcefulness of his actions was more than I’d anticipated and when his hand moved under the hem of my shirt, I felt his rough, calloused hands on my bare skin. I knew I needed to stop him before it went somewhere I’d regret.

“Collin, wait. Stop.” I pressed my hands to his chest, trying to widen the gap between us, as I tilted my head to do the same between our lips. “I can’t do this.”

“Yes you can,” his manipulative words trickled out as he pressed his lips back to mine, continuing his domineering attack.  This time, instead of gently pressing my hands against his chest, I forcefully shoved him back.

“I said stop.” I shifted my weight forward dropping my feet on the ground, standing up quickly to put a few feet between us.

“Don’t you think you’ve played hard to get long enough, Alyssa?” He followed my action and was standing just a few inches from me.  “This is the third time we’ve been out together.  I think I’ve waited long enough.”  He reached for my waist, trying to pull me toward him.

I jumped back to escape his touch and let my hair fall across my face as I avoided eye contact. “Please just take me home.”

“Take you home?” The way he said made me think I was the first girl ever to deny his advances. “Take you fucking home?”  His jaw tightened and his tongue dragged across the front of his gapped teeth as he plotted his next sentence.  “Unfuckingbelievable.”  The calmness of his word as he tossed his head back was directly opposed to the fire that was now building behind his eyes when he looked back at me.  The regrets about getting in the truck with him, of having anything to do with him, were pounding though my brain with every increased heartbeat.  The idea of turning and running was starting to seem like a good option, but he was stronger than me and faster. It would have probably just pissed him off more. “You are such a fucking tease.”  I thought the evil laugh that accompanied the phrase as exactly what the devil’s would sound like.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized to try and coax a civil response from him. “I never meant to lead you on.”  It didn’t work.

“Really?  Because that’s exactly what you did.  You flirted and smiled, fuck, you even kissed me.  Now you wanna act all innocent.”  He stepped closer to me.  I tensed in fear.  I drew my arms up and crossed them over my chest, hoping to shield myself from whatever he was going to do or say next.  “You go around acting like you want it, but then when it comes down to it, you pretend to be an angel.  No wonder Vaughn fucking left you.  You wouldn’t deliver.  Hell, the other guy up and died to get away from you.”