Shatter Me (The Jaded Series, #1) (30 page)

He pushes my head between my legs to help regulate my breathing before I pass out. Rubbing my back, he says quietly, “Take deep breaths, Angel. In and out slowly.”

After several minutes, my sobs become hiccups and my breathing is fractionally better. The black spots are gone and I feel a little bit more in control. When I sit up I see Jaxon squatted down in front of me.

I scrub my face and take several deep breaths before looking into his eyes. He looks both pissed and worried.

“Tell me what that was about, Bailey. Why would Steven send something like that to you?” His words are hard, but I know it’s not directed at me. Jaxon doesn’t like not being in control and with the recent events he feels like he has none.

Knowing that I have no choice but to reveal the last of my past, I take a deep breath before speaking.

“Remember when I told you that Steven pushed me down the stairs several months ago?” At his nod, I start again. “I was eight months pregnant.”

“Fuck!” Jaxon says harshly.

I continue.

“I thought things would be different. It had been months since he used his fists against me. He would still force me to have sex with him and his friends, but he stopped hitting me. When I saw the look in his eyes that day I knew that my reprieve was over. Never in my life have I been so afraid of him. I think he meant to kill me that day, along with my baby.”

The words that are leaving me are emotionless. I’ve shut myself off to try and avoid the pain. Jaxon gets up and walks to the window. His hands are balled into fists. I can see that he’s attempting to rein in his temper. Knowing that it might push him over the edge, but also knowing that if I don’t finish it now I may never get the courage again, I continue.

“I had been pregnant four other times. Each and every time Steven would find some way for me to lose the baby. There were a couple of times he punched me in the stomach so hard that it made me miscarry.”

Jaxon makes a choking noise, but doesn’t turn around. I’m grateful he’s facing away from me. I don’t know if I could continue if I saw anguish on his face.

“I think he blamed me for getting pregnant. I never knew who the father was for any of my babies. There were so many possibilities because of all the men Steven made me have sex with. He never made them use protection. I don’t think he liked that. I don’t think he liked knowing that one of his friends could possibly be the father. But he never stopped forcing me to have sex with them. He hated it but got off on it. It was like he was punishing us both, but he also enjoyed it.

“This last time I was so happy because I had never made it that far before. I actually felt the baby kick, Jaxon. It was so unreal. This baby was to be my savior. Of course, I knew that once she was born the beatings and abuse would continue and I was terrified of how she would be treated but she would have been mine. Mine to love and cherish. And she would have loved me back. I didn’t care who the father was. I was prepared to do anything to get away from him once she was born. I
knew
I had no other choice. There was no way I could take a chance with her. I would protect her at all costs.”

Jaxon finally turns around and his eyes are glassy. He isn’t crying, but I can tell that my story has affected him profoundly. He’s lost a child of his own because of someone else’s selfishness just like I have. He slowly starts making his way back to me, but stops several feet away.

“When Steven pushed me down the stairs that day he left immediately afterward. I came to when the first wave of pain in my stomach hit me. I crawled my way to the phone and dialed nine-one-one. By the time the ambulance got there I was surrounded by blood and was barely conscience because of the pain.” I’m silently crying by this point, not able to hold my emotions in any longer.

“The doctors told me because of some complication they couldn’t take the baby by c-section. They said that if they did the chance of me dying grew exponentially. I was forced to deliver her by natural birth. I had to deliver my baby girl as if she was fine and then watch them take her away. I only got to hold her for a minute. The sad thing was she looked just like Steven. Steven killed our baby for nothing. She was his.

“That’s why I can’t have babies. The last miscarriage damaged something inside me that can’t be fixed. Something to do with my fallopian tubes. I didn’t really pay attention to what the doctors were saying. I was still too grief stricken to care. After I lost my baby girl, I knew that I never wanted to try again. I had already lost so many; I didn’t wish to take the chance of it happening again.”

When I finish, Jaxon drops to his knees right in front of me, like his legs can’t hold him up anymore. “No baby.” He barely whispers. There’s torment in his eyes and I can’t stand the look.

He walks on his knees the remaining feet separating us. I pull my legs apart so he fits better against me. He rests his head against my stomach and wraps his arms tightly around me. After a few minutes, he lifts his head and looks up at me.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m so sorry I can’t fix what happened to you. I’m
so fucking sorry
that I wasn’t there.” He finishes with kissing my stomach.

I sniff and rub the last of my tears from my face. Running my fingers through his hair I tell him, “What did you do with the box?” I had noticed it was gone while I was telling my story.

His voice is hard again when he speaks. “It’s outside. I wanted to trash it but figured the cops might need it.” I nod my head, knowing the best thing to do is call the cops. I’m not sure if it’ll help, but Jaxon said he was good friends with the Sheriff so I hope he’s able to do something.

“What am I going to do, Jaxon? I’m so scared.” My voice is so small that I know he barely hears me.

He puts his hands on both sides of my face, forcing me to look at him. “First, we’re going to call the cops and make a report. Steven seems smart enough to not leave fingerprints, but there’s always a chance that he was careless. Second, I’m going to talk to the Sheriff and see what we can do, get him to run a background check on him. I’m also going to make a few calls to those acquaintances in the FBI I told you about. There’s got to be something out there that proves he’s not the upstanding citizen he likes to portray. We’ll get him, Angel, one way or another.”

The determination in his voice helps lessen my anxiety. I have no doubt that Jaxon will do whatever it takes to bring Steven down.

“I’m going to take a shower,” I inform him. I need to do something to help wash away the memories. Taking a scalding hot shower and rubbing my body raw will hopefully help.

Jaxon sits back only to lean over until his lips brush mine softly. Pushing back, he gets to his feet extending his hand to help me up as well. When I’m standing, he pulls me in arms. I bury my face in his hard chest and breathe him in. Over the top of my head Jaxon says, “While you’re in the shower I’ll call the cops and make a few other calls.”

I nod my head and pull back. Making my way to Jaxon’s bedroom I grab some sweat pants and one of his t-shirts. Once in the master bathroom I turn the water on hot and strip my clothes off. When I step into the shower, I hiss at the blast of hot water that hits my body. I grab a washcloth, squirt some cucumber melon soap on it and start vigorously scrubbing my body. I scrub and scrub until my body aches. I can see the blood coming to the surface just under my skin in splotches.

It doesn’t work. No matter how hard I scrub the memories and filth won’t wash away. I drop the rag and sink to the floor with the water still blasting all over my body. I raise my knees in front of my chest, wrap my arms around them, and lay my head against the top of my knees. The uncontrollable sobs are back and I can’t push them away.

I hear the shower door open and then a curse. I glance up at Jaxon. “Jesus Christ, Bailey. What are you doing?” Jaxon reaches across to turn the water off, but yanks his hand back from the heat. “Fuck!” He quickly grabs a hand towel and wraps it around his hand and turns the dial until the water is off. He drops the hand towel, grabs a bigger one and bends to scoop me up into his arms.

Once outside the shower, he wraps a towel around my shoulders and starts to dry me off. I whimper at the contact of the towel against my reddened and sore skin and Jaxon immediately stops.

“Goddamn it! Why did you do this to yourself?” Jaxon scolds me and starts to lightly pat the towel against my skin. I begin to shiver from stepping out of the hot shower into the air-conditioned bathroom. The bathroom is so thick with steam that I can barely see anything.

My teeth chatter when I reply. “It’s t-the only w-way I c-can f-feel clean again. B-but it didn’t w-work. N-no matter how m-much I scrubbed the f-filth wouldn’t g-go away.” I start to cry again.

“Oh Angel.” Jaxon replies and bends to pick me up underneath my legs and back. Walking into the bedroom, he gently places me on the bed and runs back to the bathroom for my clothes, another towel, and a jar of some kind of cream. Jaxon removes the towel draped over my shoulders and slowly starts to apply the cream all over my burnt body. Afterward, he gently starts dressing me, trying to avoid the clothing from rubbing against my skin. My shivers have died down some, but I still feel cold. Going to the closet, he grabs one of his hoodies and puts that on me as well.

My skin is still very sensitive, but the warmth of the clothes helps hold in my body heat. Jaxon sits behind me on the bed with his legs on either side of mine and starts to dry my hair. Once it’s reasonably dry and not dripping anymore, he puts his arms around me and tugs me backwards until I am resting against him.

“How long have you been taking hot showers like that?” He asks in my ear.

I answer in a small voice. “Since I was a little girl. When my parents had their parties and their friends got a hold of me, I would always feel so dirty afterwards. The only thing that helped was a scalding hot shower and scrubbing my body as hard as I could handle. I stopped when I left home and for the first few months of being with Steven but when he started his games I had to start taking them again.”

Jaxon kisses the side of my neck before replying. “Angel, that wasn’t just a hot shower I walked in on. I don’t see how you don’t have second-degree burns. I couldn’t even touch the water and I don’t see how you were able to breathe through the steam. Promise me you won’t don’t do that again. You scared the shit out of me.”

I knew that my hot showers were a little too much, but it was truly the only way that helped me stay clean all those years. I feel sorry for scaring him. I turn my head and nuzzle my face into his neck.

“I’m sorry I worried you. The hot showers were my coping mechanism, but I’ll try and tone it down a bit in the future. I know they aren’t good for me, but I was desperate to feel clean again after seeing what was in the box. Seeing that decimated doll brought everything back to me.”

“I understand, Angel, but if you ever feel the need to take one, please come to me first. Talk to me and I’ll do everything it takes for you to overcome the dirty.”

I nod my head against his neck. “Okay.”

My body is worn out from the heat and abuse of the shower and my eyes start to drift shut. Right before I succumb to sleep, I hear a knock coming from the front door.

“That’s the police,” Jaxon says and slowly pulls away from me.

All I want to do is get into bed with Jaxon holding me and sleep, but I know that we have to make a report first. I get up and follow Jaxon out of the bedroom to the front door. After looking out the peep whole Jaxon opens the door and I’m surprised to see Mac on the other side.

He’s dressed casually with a button up hunter green shirt and a pair of dark jeans. On one hip is a badge and on the other is a holster carrying a gun. My jaw drops. This must be the sheriff that’s a good friend Jaxon was talking about.

“I didn’t know you were a cop,” I say dumbfounded.

Both Mac and Jaxon chuckle, making me feel even more like an idiot. I frown at my lack of knowledge.

“Don’t feel bad, Bailey. In a town like this it’s not very often I have to wear a gun and badge. Now, why don’t y’all tell me what’s going on here.” Turning to Jaxon, he says. “You said something about a package.”

I stay behind when Jaxon leads Mac out onto the porch. No way am I looking in that box again. I shudder at the memory. Walking into the kitchen, I decide to make a pot of coffee. After searching for a few minutes, I find everything that I need. The kitchen smells of fresh coffee by the time Jaxon and Mac come into the kitchen.

Jaxon walks to my side and places his arm around me. Mac stands across from us.

“Bailey, hunny, I know it’s hard for you to talk about it, but I need you to tell me about your husband Steven. Jaxon’s filled me in some, but I need to hear it from you.”

I look to Jaxon and he gives me an encouraging smile. “It’s okay, Angel. I’ll be right here with you.

After making all three of us a cup of coffee we take our mugs and sit at the table. For the next half hour I tell Mac everything about Steven, leaving nothing out. He takes notes and interrupts me a few times to ask questions. I watch while Mac’s jaw begin’s to tick during the more gruesome parts, noticing as his eyes get hard. The whole time Jaxon is at my side and I feel the tension radiating off him.

By the time I’m done my brain is exhausted and a mess. I know that it’s necessary for me to tell Mac what happened with Steven, but it’s still hard to speak about. I went from having no one but Chris knowing about the mess of my life to six people knowing.

“Okay, I think that’s enough. I’m going to go to the station and run a background on Steven. I’m also going to make a few phone calls to find his movements within the last several days; credit card statements, cash withdrawals, etc. I’ll also ask around town to see if anyone new has been lurking about.”

He closes his little notepad and gets up from the table. When he picks up the coffee mug to take to the kitchen, I stop him. “Don’t worry about that, I’ll get it.”

Walking him to the door, we all stop and Jaxon reaches his hand out for Mac to shake. “Thanks for coming all the way out here, Mac. Keep us posted on what you find out.”