Shatter Me (24 page)
Authors: Tahereh Mafi
He’s looking into my eyes and looking at my mouth and his voice is a husky whisper. “Yeah?”
“Absolutely.”
The 3 of us are packed and ready to go before James comes home from school. Adam and I collected the most important basic necessities: food, clothes, money Adam saved up. He keeps looking around the small space like he can’t believe he’s lost it so easily. I can only imagine how much work he put into it, how hard he tried to make a home for his little brother. My heart is in pieces for him.
His friend is an entirely different species.
Kenji is nursing new bruises, but seems in reasonable spirits, excited for reasons I can’t fathom. He’s oddly resilient and upbeat. It seems impossible to discourage him and I can’t help but admire his determination. But he won’t stop staring at me.
“So how come you can touch Adam?” he says after a moment.
“I don’t know.”
He snorts. “Bull.”
I shrug. I don’t feel the need to convince him that I have absolutely no idea how I got so lucky.
“How’d you even know you could touch him? Some kind of sick experiment?”
I hope I’m not blushing. “Where’s this place you’re taking us?”
“Why are you changing the subject?” He’s grinning. I’m sure he’s grinning. I refuse to look at him, though. “Maybe you can touch
me
, too. Why don’t you try?”
“You don’t want me to touch you.”
“Maybe I do.” He’s definitely grinning.
“Maybe you should leave her alone before I put that bullet back in your leg,” Adam offers.
“I’m sorry—is a lonely man not allowed to make a move, Kent? Maybe I’m actually interested. Maybe you should back the hell off and let her speak for herself.”
Adam runs a hand through his hair. Always the same hand. Always through his hair. He’s flustered. Frustrated. Maybe even embarrassed.
“I’m still not interested,” I remind him, an edge to my voice.
“Yes, but let’s not forget that
this
”—he motions to his battered face—“is not permanent.”
“Well, I’m permanently uninterested.” I want so badly to tell him that I’m unavailable. I want to tell him that I’m in a serious relationship. I want to tell him that Adam’s made me promises.
But I can’t.
I have no idea what it means to be in a relationship. I don’t know if saying “I love you” is code for “mutually exclusive,” and I don’t know if Adam was serious when he told James I was his girlfriend. Maybe it was an excuse, a cover, an easy answer to an otherwise complicated question. I wish he would say something to Kenji—I wish he would tell him that we’re together officially, exclusively.
But he doesn’t.
And I don’t know why.
“I don’t think you should decide until the swelling goes down,” Kenji continues matter-of-factly. “It’s only fair. I have a pretty spectacular face.”
Adam chokes on a cough that I think was a laugh.
“You know, I could’ve sworn we used to be cool,” Kenji says, leveling his gaze at Adam.
“I can’t remember why.”
Kenji bristles. “Is there something you want to say to me?”
“I don’t trust you.”
“Then why am I still here?”
“Because I trust
her
.”
Kenji turns to look at me. He manages a goofy smile. “Aw, you trust me?”
“As long as I have a clear shot.” I tighten my hold on the gun in my hand.
His grin is crooked. “I don’t know why, but I kind of like it when you threaten me.”
“That’s because you’re an idiot.”
“Nah.” He shakes his head. “You’ve got a sexy voice. Makes everything sound naughty.”
Adam stands up so suddenly he nearly knocks over the coffee table.
Kenji bursts out laughing, wheezing against the pain of his injuries. “Calm down, Kent,
damn
. I’m just messing with you guys. I like seeing psycho chick get all intense.” He glances at me, lowers his voice. “I mean that as a compliment—because, you know”—he waves a haphazard hand in my direction—“psycho kind of works for you.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Adam turns on him.
“What the hell is wrong with
you
?” Kenji crosses his arms, annoyed. “Everyone is so uptight in here.”
Adam squeezes the gun in his hand. Walks to the door. Walks back. He’s pacing.
“And don’t worry about your brother,” Kenji adds. “I’m sure he’ll be here soon.”
Adam doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t stop pacing. His jaw twitches. “I’m not worried about my brother. I’m trying to decide whether to shoot you now or later.”
“Later,” Kenji says, collapsing onto the couch. “You still need me right now.”
Adam tries to speak but he’s out of time.
The door clicks, beeps, unlatches open.
James is home.
“I’m really happy you’re taking it so well—I am—but James, this really isn’t something to be excited about. We’re running for our lives.”
“But we’re doing it
together
,” he says for the fifth time, a huge grin overcrowding his face. He took a liking to Kenji almost too quickly, and now the pair of them are conspiring to turn our predicament into some kind of elaborate mission. “And I can
help
!”
“No, it’s not—”
“Of course you can—”
Adam and Kenji speak at the same time. Kenji recovers first. “Why can’t he help? Ten years old is old enough to help.”
“That’s not your call,” Adam says, careful to control his voice. I know he’s staying calm for his brother’s sake. “And it’s none of your business.”
“I’ll finally get to come
with
you,” James says, undeterred. “And I want to help.”
James took the news in stride. He didn’t even flinch when Adam explained the real reason why he was home, and why we were together. I thought seeing Kenji’s bruised and battered face would scare him, unnerve him, instill a sense of fear in his heart, but James was eerily unmoved.
It occurred to me he must’ve seen much worse.
Adam takes a few deep breaths before turning to Kenji.
“How far?”
“By foot?” Kenji looks uncertain for the first time. “At least a few hours. If we don’t do anything stupid, we should be there by nightfall.”
“And if we take a car?”
Kenji blinks. His surprise dissolves into an enormous grin. “Well, shit, Kent, why didn’t you say so sooner?”
“Watch your mouth around my brother.”
James rolls his eyes. “I hear worse stuff than that
every day
. Even Benny uses bad words.”
“Benny?”
Adam’s eyebrows stumble up his forehead.
“Yup.”
“What does she—” He stops. Changes his mind. “That doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to keep hearing it.”
“I’m almost eleven!”
“Hey, little man,” Kenji interrupts. “It’s okay. It’s my fault. I should be more careful. Besides, there are ladies present.” Kenji winks at me.
I look away. Look around.
It’s difficult for
me
to leave this humble home, so I can only imagine what Adam must be experiencing right now. I think James is too excited about the dangerous road ahead of us to realize what’s happening. To truly understand that he’ll never be coming back here.
We’re all fugitives running for our lives.
“So, what—you stole a car?” Kenji asks.
“A tank.”
Kenji barks out a laugh. “NICE.”
“It’s a little conspicuous for daytime, though.”
“What’s
conspicuous
mean?” James asks.
“It’s a little too . . . noticeable.” Adam cringes.
“
SHIT.
” Kenji stumbles up to his feet.
“I told you to watch your mouth—”
“Do you hear that?”
“Hear what—?”
Kenji’s eyes are darting in every direction. “Is there another way out of here?”
Adam is up. “JAMES—”
James runs to his brother’s side. Adam checks his gun. I’m slinging bags over my back, Adam is doing the same, his attention diverted by the front door.
“HURRY—”
“How close—?”
“THERE’S NO TIME—”
“What do you—”
“KENT, RUN—”
And we’re running, following Adam into James’ room. Adam rips a curtain off of one wall to reveal a hidden door just as 3 beeps sound from the living room.
Adam shoots the lock on the exit door.
Something explodes not 15 feet behind us. The sound shatters in my ears, vibrates through my body. I nearly collapse from the impact. Gunshots are everywhere. Footsteps are pounding into the house but we’re already running through the exit. Adam hauls James up and into his arms and we’re flying through the sudden burst of light blinding our way through the streets. The rain has stopped. The roads are slick and muddy. There are children everywhere, bright colors of small bodies suddenly screaming at our approach. There’s no point being inconspicuous anymore.
They’ve already found us.
Kenji is lagging behind, stumbling his way through the last of his adrenaline rush. We turn into a narrow alleyway and he slumps against the wall. “I’m sorry,” he pants, “I can’t—you can leave me—”
“We can’t leave you—,” Adam shouts, looking everywhere, drinking in our surroundings.
“That’s sweet, bro, but it’s okay—”
“We need you to show us where to go!”
“Well,
shit
—”
“You said you would help us—”
“I thought you said you had a
tank
—”
“If you hadn’t noticed, there’s been an unexpected change of plans—”
“I can’t keep up, Kent. I can barely walk—”
“You have to
try
—”
“There are rebels on the loose. They are armed and ready to fire. Curfew is now in effect. Everyone return to their homes immediately. There are rebels on the loose. They are armed and ready to fi—”
The loudspeakers sound around the streets, drawing attention to our bodies huddled together in the narrow alley. A few people see us and scream. Boots are getting louder. Gunshots are getting wilder.
I take a moment to analyze the surrounding buildings and realize we’re not in a settled compound. The street James lives on is unregulated turf: a series of abandoned office buildings crammed together, leftovers from our old lives. I don’t understand why he’s not living in a compound like the rest of the population. I don’t have time to figure out why I only see two age groups represented, why the elderly and the orphaned are the only residents, why they’ve been dumped on illegal land with soldiers who are not supposed to be here. I’m afraid to consider the answers to my own questions and in a panicked moment I fear for James’ life. I spin around as we run, glimpsing his small body bundled in Adam’s arms.
His eyes are squeezed shut so tight I’m sure it hurts.
Adam swears under his breath. He kicks down the first door we can find of a deserted building and yells for us to follow him inside.
“I need you to stay here,” he says to Kenji. “And I’m out of my mind, but I need to leave James with you. I need you to watch out for him. They’re looking for Juliette, and they’re looking for
me
. They won’t even expect to find you two.”
“What are you going to do?” Kenji asks.
“I need to steal a car. Then I’ll come back for you.” James doesn’t even protest as Adam puts him down. His little lips are white. His eyes wide. His hands trembling. “I’ll come back for you, James,” Adam says again. “I promise.”
James nods over and over and over again. Adam kisses his head, once, hard, fast. Drops our duffel bags on the floor. Turns to Kenji. “If you let anything happen to him, I will kill you.”
Kenji doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t scowl. He takes a deep breath. “I’ll take care of him.”
“Juliette?”
He takes my hand, and we disappear into the streets.
The roads are packed with pedestrians trying to escape. Adam and I hide our guns in the waistbands of our pants, but our wild eyes and jerky movements seem to give us away. Everyone stays away from us, darting in opposite directions, some squeaking, shouting, crying, dropping the things in their hands. But for all the people, I don’t see a single car in sight. They must be hard to come by, especially in this area.
Adam pushes me to the ground just as a bullet flies past my head. He shoots down another door and we run through the ruins toward another exit, trapped in the maze of what used to be a clothing store. Gunshots and footsteps are close behind. There must be at least a hundred soldiers following us through these streets, clustered in different groups, dispersed in different areas of the city, ready to capture and kill.
But I know they won’t kill me.
It’s Adam I’m worried about.
I try to stay as close as possible to his body because I’m certain Warner has given them orders to bring me back alive. My efforts, however, are weak at best. Adam has enough height and muscle to dwarf me. Anyone with an excellent shot would be able to target him. They could shoot him right in the head.
Right in front of me.
He turns to fire two shots. One falls short. Another elicits a strangled cry. We’re still running.
Adam doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t tell me to be brave. He doesn’t ask me if I’m okay, if I’m scared. He doesn’t offer me encouragement or assure me that we’ll be just fine. He doesn’t tell me to leave him behind and save myself. He doesn’t tell me to watch his brother in case he dies.
He doesn’t need to.
We both understand the reality of our situation. Adam could be shot right now. I could be captured at any moment. This entire building might suddenly explode. Someone could’ve discovered Kenji and James. We might all die today. The facts are obvious.
But we know we need to take the chance just the same.
Because moving forward is the only way to survive.
The gun is growing slick in my hands, but I hold on to it anyway. My legs are screaming against the pain, but I push them faster anyway. My lungs are sawing my rib cage in half, but I force them to process oxygen anyway. I have to keep moving. There’s no time for human deficiencies.
