Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me) (30 page)

             
I expected an argument as I watched my son take him what I’d just told him before nodding. “Okay momma. When can we go?”

             
“We’ll go a little later in the week okay? We’ve still got a lot to see around here first.”

             
Unfortunately over the next few days, Ben’s interest in the little adventures I tried to keep him occupied with grew less and less. Each morning he would ask me all over again when we were going to Washington.

             
On the night before I decided to give in, I told my son as I tucked him into bed that night.

             
“Baby, we’re going to Washington in the morning, okay? But we need to leave really early. I’ll come get you up and you can sleep on the way in, okay?”

             
“Yippee!  Thank you momma!”

             
That night I found it hard to sleep myself. We’d been here almost a week already and there had still been no word from Judah. I didn’t understand why he hadn’t tried to contact me but I was beginning to fear for Judah’s safety. Had someone from The Organization found out about Judah’s call to me? Had the person that Judah only hinted at as being a traitor discovered my brother’s hiding place.

             
That night as I lay in bed alone, I prayed that Judah was safe. And that my decision to take my son into the one place that was most dangerous to me, would not prove to be a fatal mistake.

*****

              By six the following morning, Ben and I were already well on our way to D.C. The drive from Stemmons to Washington takes a little over an hour, but I was deliberately taking my time this morning. Watching the rear view mirror for any sign that we were being followed. Ben had fallen back to sleep pretty much from the moment we left the drive, and Bo lay next to him in the back seat only occasionally rousting himself enough to look out the window.

             
“It’s okay, boy,” I told him when he growled into the predawn morning. “It’s okay.” But I wasn’t nearly as confident as I wanted to sound.

             
My hands literally trembled on the steering wheel as we reached the outskirts of Washington. I was on alert even though I didn’t have any reason to be. Old instincts came back to me, that familiar old warning from the past that always assured me when something dark was close, was now warning me very clearly that I had made a mistake in coming here.

             
But I couldn’t disappoint my son. Noah had deserted him without so much as a call or a letter since leaving. Ben was feeling abandoned by his father. I had to make it up to him no matter what.

             
Just before we reached the street that Noah had once lived on I woke Ben up.

             
“Baby, wake up. I want to show you your father’s old house.”

             
Ben sat up slowly along with Bo, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

             
The two-story house at the end of a cul-de-sac where Noah and I had shared so much of our lives together, hadn’t changed all that much. It was clear that someone lived there and was home as I slowed the car’s speed down so that I could point it out to Ben.

             
“That’s it, baby. That’s your father’s old house.”

             
“That’s where you and daddy lived, momma?”

             
I couldn’t even begin to imagine trying to tell Ben about the strange living arrangements Noah and I shared while hiding our marriage.

             
“Yes, but before we were married I had an apartment here in town as well.”

             
“Momma, do you think daddy’s here?”

             
I didn’t know how to answer that because secretly I believed Noah had come back to Washington to live. But I couldn’t tell his son that his father had moved on without us.

             
“No, honey I don’t think so. No, he’s not in there.”

             
I drove away from the house before Ben could ask any more questions that I couldn’t answer. “Honey, over there is where your father’s old shop used to be.”

             
The computer store was still in business. I had to wonder if Matt still ran the place? But I had no intention of finding out.

             
I drove past my old apartment pointing out the one that I’d lived in all those years to Ben before we left Washington behind for what I had to accept would be the last time.

             
We stopped in a small town to have lunch. Since leaving D.C. my son hadn’t said a word. Now, Ben was becoming fussy. He didn’t want anything that I suggested for lunch. He was clinging to me like he hadn’t done in quite some time. And I hated Noah all the more for what he was doing to our son.

             
By the time we got back to Stemmons, Ben was fast asleep in the backseat.

             
I carried my son upstairs to his room and put him to bed. It was still early but it would be good for him to have an early night.

             
Bo and I went outside and I tried to read. I didn’t want to think about all the memories that today’s little trip had brought back to me so vividly.

             
But they came none the less. All the times that Noah and I had been together at that house. All the little things we’d shared together, that at the time seemed insignificant. Now they had become precious to me.

             
I’d been lucky to have the time with him we shared in Colorado. For five years we’d been just another married couple, but I think both of us knew that it wouldn’t last. I just never believed it would end this way.

             
Ben woke sullen and quiet ignoring all of my attempt to bring him out of it. We swam for a while before dinner but by eight, Ben was ready for bed.

             
I tucked him in and stayed up for a while longer watching TV.

             
When I fell asleep that night it was a sound sleep that was broken when I awoke in the early morning hours to total and absolute silence.

             
Instinctively, I knew that I was not alone in the room. This time it wasn’t my son.

             
I couldn’t move couldn’t breath. My eyes searched the surrounding darkness and spotted a shadow close to the bed.

             
I tried to sit up when a hand clasped over my mouth keeping me in place and silencing my scream.

             
Someone set down close to me, whispering close to me.

             
“Shut up, Cameron. Don’t say a single word.”

             
Noah was so close and yet I couldn’t believe that he wasn’t a part of my dreams.

             
“I’m going to take my hand away but if you scream I’ll put it back. You understand?”

             
I nodded and he took his hand away. The second he moved away from me I hit him hard.

             
“Cameron, for Pete’s sake. Stop it,” Noah said reaching up to take my hands and hold the above my head out of danger.

             
“What are you doing here, Noah?”

             
“What am I doing here? What are you doing here? How dare you bring my son into such danger?”

             
“Oh, you’re so concerned about him, aren’t you Noah? He hasn’t seen you in months and you waltz in here accusing me of hurting him?”

             
“Shh, be quiet Cameron--he’ll hear you. I don’t want to wake him up. I don’t want him to know that I’m here.”

             
“Dammit Noah, he needs you. He’s heartbroken.”

             
“Shut up, Cameron,” Noah told me again, but his grip loosened on my wrist and his fingers trailed across my face downward to touch me body.

             
I was reminded of all the things that I didn’t want to feel for him all over again. I couldn’t stop my response to Noah’s touch any more than I could stop my next breath.

             
“He needs you Noah. You can’t keep doing this to him. Please come back home, Noah. Please come back to us.” When Noah didn’t answer, I finally broke down. “You know what, Noah--do whatever you want!  I don’t care if you ever come back.”

             
But Noah wasn’t moved by my anger or my tears. Noah lowered his head and kissed my lips whispering angrily against them. “You’ll leave here tomorrow--do you hear me? Take Ben back to Colorado and wait for me like I told you. Get out of here before they find you.”

             
“Before who finds me? Davis? My brother?”

             
At his intense gaze, it hit me. “The Organization? The Organization’s looking for me?”

             
Noah didn’t answer. I didn’t believe he needed to. I now believed I’d become a target for the very company that I’d once worked for.

             
“But they know where I live Noah. Adam...”

             
I stopped asking questions when Noah’s lips touched my throat. His hands began removing my clothes without so much as a moment’s hesitation. And then we were both in a rush to undress the other.

             
I let Noah make love to me over and over that night, and when I awoke the next morning I couldn’t believe that any of it had been true. The only proof was the place where his head had lain close to mine and the weakness in my body that I’d only experience from Noah’s touch.

             
I dressed as quickly as possible before going to my son‘s room. Ben still slept peacefully in his bed. As I watched him, I remembered what Noah had told me.

             
“Baby, wake up?” I shook my son awake with difficulty. When he was fully conscious, he asked me if his father had been there.

             
“No, baby. Why would you think that?”             

             
“Because I dreamed he was standing close to my bed last night, momma. Daddy told me that everything was going to be all right and that he would be coming home soon.”

             
“Honey, I’m sorry, that was just a dream. But you need to get up now because we have to go home today.”

             
“But I thought we were going to stay for a few more days, momma?”

             
“We were, but I have to get back to the house. I need to take care of something with my work, baby. I’m sorry. We’ll take another trip later this summer. Someplace fun.”

             
“But I don’t want to leave yet momma,”

             
“Baby, I’m sorry but we have to. Now get up and start packing while I make you some breakfast.

             
“Ah mom,” Ben said but did as I asked reluctantly.

             
I threw my own things into the suitcase and took it downstairs before making breakfast. By another hour the house was cleaned and locked and we were on our way out of town.

             
Ben didn’t talk to me while we were packing or over breakfast. I knew he was angry with me. I believe he thought if we stayed there for a while longer his father would come back again.

             
“Momma, how’s daddy going to find us again? Shouldn’t we have left him a note?”

             
I glance back in the rear view mirror and saw his concern.

             
“Baby, your father knows where home is. He’ll come back when he’s ready.”

             
It was so hard to keep up the pretense to my son, but I couldn’t tell Ben my fears. I didn’t believe Noah would ever return to Colorado again.

             
It didn’t matter that I was furious with Noah, with myself for giving into him so eagerly, I didn’t question what he’d told me. I decided to drive straight through no matter how long it took, stopping only for food and gas. All along the way I was constantly watching the rear view mirror afraid of who might be following us.

             
Before I’d left Stemmons I thought about trying to get word to Judah but I had no idea how to reach him. I could only hope that he was okay.

             
I couldn’t trust anyone to help me find out. The few people that I’d trusted in the past were no longer on my side. The part of my past that I didn’t believe would hurt me was the one that had cost me the most.

             
I remembered Judah’s words that night long ago in Washington when he’d told me that there was a traitor to watch out for. At the time I’d thought he meant in the Red Jihad. Now I wasn’t so sure.