Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me) (28 page)

             
I waited for a little while and then I knocked quietly on his door.

             
I found my son curled up on his bed turned away from the door. Bo, his constant companion was lying next to him.

             
“Honey, we need to talk,” I told him but he didn’t answer me.

             
“Ben, look at me.” Reluctantly my son turned to face me with the evidence of all his heartache right there on his tiny face for me to see. Silently I hated Noah more than ever for what he’d done to his son.

             
“Baby I need you to tell me what your father said to you before he left. It’s important Ben.”

             
“I told you momma. He told me to take care of you and Bo. He said he was going to Washington on business for a few weeks, but he said he would be thinking of you and me all the time that he was gone. He said that he would be back as soon as he could. He told me I couldn’t tell you the rest and I won’t!” Ben said stubbornly

             
I remembered the note that Noah had left me. I hadn’t been strong enough to read it. I knew it was time.

             
“Baby, I think you’re right. I don’t think your father is coming back,” I told him slowly and watched the pain in his eyes and the resentment.

             
“No, momma. Daddy told me he would come back and he wouldn’t lie to me.”

             
“Baby, I don’t think he meant to lie. I just think he was trying to protect you. You’re daddy loves you very much but I think that he needed something that I couldn’t give him. You see, your daddy was used to living a much busier lifestyle. I think he just needed to go back to that.”

             
“I hate him, momma!  I hate him for lying to me!”

             
“No honey, don’t say that. You can’t blame your father or yourself. I think it was me. I was the reason he left. You see we wanted different things from life. Your father tried to be happy with our life here, but he missed his old life too much. But someday I know he’ll come back for you. Because he loves you so much, Ben. You are the most important thing in the world to him.”

             
“You mean it, momma?”

             
I smiled and gathered him close. The hope in his small face was almost too much to bear.

             
“I sure do. No matter what happens between your father and me, honey, just remember he loves you and I know he’ll want to be with you. We’ll find a way to make that happen, okay?” I kissed his forehead and tried to believe my own words. But deep inside I wondered if even Ben would ever see Noah again.

             
“Now, you and I have a trip to plan, don’t we? We need to decide when we want to leave?”

             
“Can we go tomorrow?” Ben asked and I mentally ran through all the things that would need to be done before we could leave.

             
“Baby if that’s what you want then yes, we can leave tomorrow. But we’ve got a lot to do before then, so we’d best get busy.”

 
              “Can we take Bo with us?”

             
“Well, I’d like to see you try and leave him at home.” I smiled and ruffled Ben’s hair that reminded me so much of his fathers before standing.

             
“Okay mister, if you want to leave tomorrow we need to do it pretty early because its a long drive. So get busy. Clean up your room and pack your things. I’ll be back to check on you in a little while.”

             
I left my son excited and happy for the moment, busily shoving toy and clothes away while I went up to my room and found the note that Noah had left.

             
I unfolded it with fingers that shook and laid it on the bed next to me. It took all my strength to pick it up and read those words he’d wrote to me.

             
Cameron, please know that I would never do anything to hurt you or Ben, even though I know what you must be thinking after I’m gone. But you’re wrong. I’m not leaving you. How could I leave my heart behind for good? You and Ben are my life. You’re everything to me. I love you, baby. Take care of yourself for me. Take care of our child. Please believe me when I tell you, I’ve loved you and Ben with all my heart. I will come home to you both soon. Love always, Noah.

             
I read through that note over and over again. Even though I didn’t really believe the words he’d written there, I clung to those promises with all my heart. I wasn’t ready to let go of Noah. His note gave me the hope I needed to hold onto him for just a little while longer. Until I was strong enough to let go.

             
Nothing prepared me for the emotions that would surface the moment I crossed over the state line into familiar territory.

             
The memories of the last time I’d crossed that line were still there to remind me of just how lost and alone I’d felt leaving the past behind.

             
I’d been pregnant without a clue how I was going to raise a child alone.

             
“Momma, how much further?” Ben had asked me that same question at least a dozen times already. He was tired and fussy, and excited but now that I was close, I found I wasn’t in any hurry to go back to the small town that I’d spent less than a year living in.

             
“Soon baby. I know you’re tired, but we’ll be there tonight okay?” I glanced in the rear view mirror and saw Ben’s pout begin to form again. “I know, baby. We’ll stop in a little while for lunch. What would you like to eat?”

             
“Barbeque.” My son had heard all about the little barbeque joint I’d stopped at on my last trip here and that was all he talked about.

             
“Okay.” I laughed at his happiness, but was too caught up in old memories to really consider that this was the first time I’d seen him smile since the day we’d started out on this trip.

             
“The place is not too far up here. Why don’t you and Bo help me watch for it? Its called Smitty’s.”

             
With Ben occupied for the moment, I let my thoughts go back to the time when I was around ten years old and my father had taken a position in Washington for the year. Dad had insisted that we live outside of the hustle of the city, in the small town that he’d grown up in. I don’t think mom really minded all that much. She always talked about Stemmons fondly.

             
As a child I’d adjusted pretty well to all the moves we’d made for dad’s job. By the time we lived here, I was a pro at packing up and leaving. I never was really good at making relationships last. I guess not much had changed in my life. I was still good at running away.

             
Maybe that was really what this trip was all about? In spite of Judah’s warnings wasn’t I really just running away from the danger that I knew someday I’d have to face?  

             
“Momma, there it is!  There’s Smitty’s!”  I glanced up and saw that the old hole in the wall restaurant only looked a little worse for the years.

             
“Okay, honey lets walk Bo first and then give him something to eat. He’ll be fine waiting in the car for us, but I’ll park close to the windows so that we can keep an eye on him, okay?”

             
Ben put Bo’s leash on and took him to the far side of the restaurant, while I walked along beside my son. Already the temperature had to be in the lower nineties. I could see that Ben was beginning to feel the effects of a heat that we seldom had in the mountains.

             
“Come on honey, well leave the windows down and we’re parked in the shade, but we’ll hurry. Don’t want Bo getting too hot.”

             
Inside the air conditioning felt like a welcome relief to the scorching heat that I wasn’t used to anymore. The girl who took our orders looked to be all of sixteen as she sized us up.

             
“You folks from out of state?” she asked and I smiled and nodded, trying not to be shocked by her directness. “I thought I saw Colorado plates on your car. We don’t see too many of those around here. What can I get you?”

             
Ben and I placed our orders and found a booth close to the window so that we could see Bo.

             
The restaurant was pretty much empty. I guess it was well past the lunch hour rush for a small town like this one.

             
“Momma, how much farther to Simmons?” Ben asked me before taking a huge bite from his sandwich that sent barbeque sauce down the front of his white tee shirt.

             
“Stemmons, honey.” I took a napkin and wiped his mouth and shirt. “Oh, about three more hours I’d say.”

             
“Momma, will we go close to Washington?”

             
“No, baby--not really. Why do you ask?”

             
“Cause that’s where you and daddy met, right?”

             
I smiled even though just thinking about Noah still hurt. “Well, sort of. We actually met in another city, but we started dating in Washington.”

             
“Where did you meet?” he asked me.

             
“Oh, in a little town close to North Carolina. Finish your sandwich, baby. We need to get going pretty soon if we’re going to get to the rental office in time to check in today. What do you think of barbeque?”

             
I knew the rental office stayed open late but I just didn’t want to have another discussion about Noah with Ben. I was so afraid that he’d figure out the truth. That I’d been lying to him about Noah’s job all along and hate me.”

             
“It’s good.”

             
“I can tell. You’ve gotten more on your face than in your tummy.”

             
Once Ben was reasonably clean again, we were back on the highway. It wasn’t long before my son was sleeping peacefully alongside Bo.

             
I watched the miles click away. Each town that I went through was filled with reminders from the past. It was all around me. Maybe that was the real reason I’d agreed to come back. I needed to let go of the past along with Noah. The only way to do that was to say goodbye to the places we’d been together.

             
We reached Stemmons late that afternoon just as Ben woke from his nap.

             
“Momma where are we?” he asked sitting up and leaning close to me.

             
“We here, honey. This is Stemmons,” I told him as I parked the car in front of the real estate office and told Ben to take Bo for a short walk around the lot to stretch his legs.

             
“I’ll be right back, honey. I just need to get the keys. Stay where I can see you, okay?”

             
“Okay momma,” he said, snapping Bo’s leash on. Bo who had been cooped up far too long was more than happy to be out of the car.

             
I went inside the small office, which appeared deserted, even though the sign outside said open.

             
“Be right with you.” Someone called out from another room right before a small, gray-haired man emerged wiping his hands on a paper towel. “That darn copier was acting up again.”

             
I could see from the doorway that the copier in question was still in the midst of being worked on. There were pieces scattered all over the room.

             
“How can I help you, miss?”

             
“Hi, sorry to bother you but I’m here to pick up the keys for the Swenson house? I’ve rented it for the week?” When the gentleman looked at me as if he still didn’t have a clue what I was talking about, I told him, “My name is Cameron Sinclair?” I told him giving him the name I’d used since moving to Colorado. “I spoke to a Mrs. Johnson a few days ago.”

             
“Oh yes...yes, you’re the gal from Colorado? My wife told me you’d be stopping by this afternoon. I’m sorry, that darn copier’s got me all bumfuzzled. Here, let me take a look at the records.” He punched in a few keys on the computer and said, “Yep, you’re all paid up. All you need is the keys. That your boy out there?”

             
“Yes, he’s mine. His name is Ben,” I told him signing the receipt and taking the keys from him.

             
“Well, he’s got his hands full with that dog. You should find everything pretty much in place at the house. You need directions?”

             
“No, I can find it. I used to live here years ago. I think I still remember how to get around, believe it or not.”

             
“You don’t say. Don’t remember any Sinclair’s around these parts, or is that your married name.”