Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me) (20 page)

             
Every instinct inside of me screamed to tell him no. I couldn’t let Davis this close to me. But just as strongly I knew that this was probably the last chance I’d ever have to find out the truth about my parents’ death and Judah’s disappearance.  

             
“Why should I let you? You can’t ask me, out of the blue to let you stay with me without giving me something in return Davis? I want--no I need answers. I have a right to know what you know about my brother, Noah--my parents. You know something, Davis, for God‘s sake tell me.”

             
“I won‘t talk to you about any of those things Cameron. And I think you know why I’m here. You felt it the same way I did Cameron, even if you can’t accept it. I want to be with you Cameron, I want to protect you. If that means friendship, if that’s all that can ever be between us then I‘ll accept that...at least for the moment.”

             
“You’re such a liar Davis. You didn’t come here for any of those reasons. Whatever you are apart of its just as strong as what Judah and Noah feel. You wouldn’t let anything, including any woman get in the way of that. And I don’t need protecting. Even if I did, you are the last person I’d turn to for help. I can take care of myself.”

             
“Can you Cameron? I wonder. You have no idea what you’re up against?”

             
“I have no ideal because I’m being kept in the dark. If you really want to help me the way you say you do then tell me what you’re talking about?”

             
“I can’t do that, Cameron. I’m sorry...I know you were hoping, but the answer won‘t come from me.”

             
“Then why should I let you stay with me when having you here will cause me more trouble than not?” I asked him slowly and saw that smile return. Davis knew I was going to do exactly what he wanted.

             
“Because you’re lonely. Because what I’ve said to you is true--you know that. Because like it or not Cameron you do feel something.” He added touching my face gently.

             
“There will never be anything between us Davis. That part is over for me and I won’t talk to you about Noah so you can forget that.”

             
“I guess I don’t have a choice here, do I?”

             
“No--you don’t.”

             
“Then you’ll let me stay with you?”

             
I’d moved away from Davis the second his voice took on that sincere seductive quality that I was finding almost impossible not to respond to. I needed to remain strong with Davis because frankly I didn’t trust him or his motives. When I forced myself to look at him again I saw the truth in those piercing blue eyes. Davis had been hoping for so much more.

             
“Davis, that’s the way it has to. Even if we weren’t on opposite sides I just don’t have anything left for anyone anymore. I barely have the strength to love my child and my dog. I feel...dead inside. Noah took my happiness away. I don‘t think I‘ll ever be happy again.”

             
Again that sad smile that told me just how pitiful he must consider me to be. In those eyes were the wisdom and the pain of someone who had seen the same terrible things in life that I had. We shared that much. I believed that Davis was trying to run away from his past just as much as me. Perhaps that was why he was drawn to me. Maybe it was enough to put aside our differences and be companions to each other.

             
Davis took a step closer to me stopping a mere breath away.

             
“Cameron, I don’t believe that you’ll never love again. I just don’t believe it will be me and you have no idea how sad that makes me. Do you have any ideal how hard it is to accept that I was in the right place with you but that I was there at the wrong moment in time? I’ll accept whatever you have to give because you’re right. I am escaping. At least for the moment. I want to forget some of the things I’ve seen and done for a little while. I can do that here with you. And in time you’ll understand why things are the way they are.”

             
“You’re wrong about that, Davis. I‘ll never understand why you do what you do. But for now it doesn‘t matter. I’ve done some things that for the job that I’m not proud of as well. Let’s just accept that there are some things that we both have that can’t be discussed.”

             
He didn’t like my answer but he accepted it because I believe Davis needed me almost as much as I needed not to be alone at the moment.

*****

              In the time that Davis stayed with me we somehow managed to put aside our past differences and become friends.

             
I have to admit if I’d never known Noah I would have been overwhelmed by Davis. By everything that I discovered about him that was nothing like the cold heartless killer I believed him to be. Davis was nothing like what I imagined a true terrorist to be and certainly not the enemy I thought I’d been fighting for years.

             
Each day we spent long hours not talking about the past--or at least the past that we shared but simply talking about our lives before that time. I think I fell in love with Davis just a little bit each day even though I knew my heart would never belong to another. I couldn’t explain what happening between us, but I knew when Davis left me, I would never be the same again.

             
He’d touched my life. Davis had been there for me when I desperately needed him. He’d held me without asking for anything in return. He was there with me on those sleepless nights when all I could do was cry useless tears for a man that had walked out of my life completely. Davis was more real to me then than any other person in my life. Noah was not.

             
Slowly over time Bo came to accept that Davis wasn’t going anywhere so he just had better get use to that fact. I guess he figured if his master was okay with it then what the heck. I think that was the final deciding factor for Bo. If Davis had my approval then who was he to judge?

             
We spend our days together during that strange illusive time of my life, doing simple things. Davis left me alone while I was working but we spent most of the day taking long walks around the property that had now become pretty much a haven to me.

             
It was on own such walk that I asked Davis about his past before he‘d become what he was. On the numerous times that I‘d tried to find out about his connection to Judah or the Red Jihad, Davis had refused to talk about it with me. But I found that he was filling to talk about the part of his past before the Red Jihad.

             
“I never knew my father and my mother told me very little about him. She told me he was from a wealthy family here in America. My mother met him while he was visiting Tehran. I share his last name and his looks, but little more.”

             
“You never tried to find him? Did he even know about that he’d fathered a child?” I ask him one afternoon while we sat in our favorite spot, high on a mountain ridge looking down at the world below.

             
“No, my mother never told him. You see their relationship wasn’t that type. My mother knew where she stood with him from the start. She knew they didn’t have a future.”

  
              “She never married?”

             
“Eventually after I’d left home. My mother insisted that I have the best education possible. She worked hard and provided all that she could to help me. You see my mother was an educated woman as well. She died a few years ago. I wasn’t able to be there for her when she needed me. I was--on assignment.”

             
“Oh Davis that had to be so hard for you. But I’m sure she knew how much you loved her. She sounds like a wonderful woman.”

             
“Yes, she did. She was an amazing woman.” He took my hand and looked at me. “You remind me of her at times.”

             
“Davis, why won’t you tell me about my brother?” I asked and held my breath.

             
“I...can’t Cameron. I’m sorry I know there are things you want to know about your brother but I cannot tell you anything. I’m sorry, but I’m not the one to enlighten you about our connection.”             

             
“What do you mean? What connection?”

             
“I can’t tell you Cameron. I’m sorry. I’ve said too much as it is”

             
“And my parents. Did you know the two that killed my parents, Davis? Were they part of your group? Is Judah?”

             
“Cameron, I don’t know who took their lives, but you have to believe me, I wasn’t part of their deaths.”

             
“Why are you really here, Davis? Don‘t lie to me, surely we’ve gotten too close for lies?”

             
“I can’t tell you Cameron. But I know you aren’t out of danger. Far from over. I have to protect you.”

             
“Protect me from what? What do I need protection from? Is it because of The Organization?”

             
Davis merely smiled at that. “You think that your Agency connections will keep you immune? Don’t count on it. You know as well as I do that they’re only waiting for the right moment to use your connection to Judah. You’re not out Cameron. Not by a long shot.”

             
“You think they’ll come after me? I’m not part of that world anymore Davis. I can’t be of any use to anyone.”
              “You’ll always be part of it Cameron...”

             
Had I really been paying attention I would have caught that certain sadness in Davis. But until it was too late I was only caught up in being with him and loving him in my own empty way.

             
We were as happy as any two people who were from different worlds and lifestyles could ever be. I learned everything about his past up until he became whatever it was that Davis was now. I understood that Davis held some sort of leadership role. I knew that he must someday leave me again to return to it. But I wasn’t ready to let him go just yet. I wasn’t ready to be alone.

             
I still didn’t understand what my brother’s connection to this whole thing was and Davis never enlightened me. Each time I asked he wouldn’t tell me. As frustrating as that was to accept no matter how much I pushed that was the only answer I got from him.

             
When he left me, it was in the same mysterious manner in which he’d come to me that first night.

             
I simply woke up one morning and found that he was gone. At first well I thought he couldn’t sleep and had gone for a walk.

             
But after I searched the house and then every inch of the land, Davis was nowhere. It was then that I wasn’t sure I’d never see him again. Whatever his reason for coming to me it had been accomplished and it was time for him to leave me and return to whatever place he now called home.

             
For days after Davis left me I was sad. I couldn’t understand what he’d been trying to force me to see. I tried for several days to reach out to him but Davis was no longer listening for my calls. Whatever connection we had to each other was broken and gone. Quite possibly forever.

CHAPTER NINE

              With the approaching isolation of winter in the mountains, I found that my loneliness only grew. I was sad and restless, missing Davis and torn between what I thought I felt for him and what I knew I did for Noah.

             
I hadn’t heard a single word from Noah in the months since I left Washington. He never answered my email. In my heart I knew that Noah was alive so why was I still pining away over him? Any other woman would have written him off completely, but I just couldn’t let go.

             
I started to prepare for the long winter ahead, which I was told by the locals, was expected to be a record setter this year. I stocked up on food and chopped wood for the fireplace and stove while spending my days responding to questions received through my website.

             
My body was changing with the new life inside. Physically I had more energy than ever before with each passing day. I felt alive for the first time. But even as my energy level increased my outlook remained blue.

             
My new doctor told me that all of the things I was feeling was normal and to be expected. But still I wondered how many patients he had seen with my past?

             
After Noah’s departure from my life, my first instinct told me I should do what was best for my child and give the child up for adoption. But some emotion deep inside of me wouldn’t let me give up my last real part of Noah in my life. I still didn’t understand how he could simply walk away from me the way that he had but I was having his baby. I’d have apart of him with me no matter if I never saw him again.