Shades of Honor (22 page)

“I've wanted to do that so many times,” he whispered. Then, while he still had an ounce of restraint, he left her room and began to pack.

The war had taught him to recognize his limits, and with Evelyn, he was crossing the line. He needed to get away for a couple of days to clear his mind and decide the true depth of his feelings for Evelyn.

Whether he owed Kyle or not, one thing was certain: brothers were for protecting, not betraying.

 
 
o0o

Evelyn could tell her father was as lost as she was without Radford and Rebecca. They had left yesterday morning for Syracuse to get a doctor Radford said he could trust to help her father. But her father was so much improved this evening that Evelyn thought Radford might end up wasting the doctor’s time as well as his own.

Still, after the tense moment Evelyn and Radford had shared in her father’s bedroom the other night, she sensed this was Radford’s way of honoring Kyle.

Evelyn sat beside her father on the sofa and gently nudged his shoulder, seeking the security and comfort she’d always found there. “Let’s snuggle,” she said.

His lips tilted in a sad, crooked smile, his face still sagging slightly on one side, but he’d regained his speech.

He put his hand on her knee and Evelyn covered his knuckles with her palm. “Was Radford ever a coward, Papa?”

Her father’s surprised glance gave Evelyn the answer even before he spoke. “I have yet to meet a man, myself included, with a deeper sense of integrity or a greater amount of courage than that young man.”

Evelyn laced her fingers with her father's and stroked the thin parchment of his skin. “What happened to him? Why does he have that volcano inside him?”

 
“Fighting a war hurts a man's mind as much as his body. Radford couldn’t shut away his conscience during the battles. His heart was present in every second of the war.”

“What about you, Papa? Did fighting bother you?”

“Sure,” he said quietly, “but I knew my duty and I was proud to serve with such a fine regiment of men. We never intentionally hurt anyone outside of battle. I could live with that.”

“Then why couldn't Radford?”

“He suffered too deeply, I guess, and still does by the sound of his nightmares. That war lynched the soul from every one of us. We were not only facing the enemy, but ourselves as well. Most of us didn't like what we saw in our reflection. It was hard for any of us to destroy a human life. Radford knew what he had to do, but he never accepted the
killin
’. There were times when I couldn’t stomach it, either, when I was damned ashamed of my actions.”

“You did what you were ordered to do.”

He put his arm around her. “Lay your head on my shoulder, pixie. It reminds me of a time when I used to take care of you. I miss that.”

“I’ll always need you.” Evelyn snuggled against his side, loving the warmth and the familiar scent of him that made her feel protected despite his frailness. Their closeness offered a sense of security in a lonely house, and they sat in the silence for a few minutes, each taking comfort from the other. She held his crippled hand between her own and rubbed her thumb across the transparency of his skin, watching it shift over his bony knuckles and blue veins. He was only fifty-three, but after his seizures, he looked and acted seventy-three.

“There was a time when I thought I could take care of everyone,” he said quietly, “but I was too ambitious and too proud. I made a mistake that cost Radford his peace of mind. That incident was the final straw for him and it never let him go. Every time I looked at him after that day, I saw the eyes of an old man looking back at me.”

“What happened?”

“Something I still regret, but I have no right to tell. Radford's entitled to his privacy. If he chooses to talk about those times, it’s his decision.”

“All right, Papa, but could you talk to Radford about his nightmares? Kyle’s convinced that he’ll eventually leave again.”

“He might, but I can see that he’s
tryin
’ hard not to.” Her father's grizzled cheek caught in her hair as he rubbed it against the top of her head. “I'm asking you to respect his privacy. Radford's been through hell. Until he faces these things within himself, I don’t think Radford will ever be settled.”

Kyle was right, then, Evelyn acknowledged silently, her heart crashing to her stomach. Radford’s demons would eventually chase him away again. It was just a matter of time.

She sat for a long while with her head on her father’s frail shoulder, her hand clasped in his. Random thoughts dashed in and out of her mind. She wondered what mistake her father had made, but she knew it would be unkind to ask him to betray Radford's confidence, so finally she let it go and changed the subject.

“Papa, why did Agatha Brown deliver a pie for you today?”

“I don’t know. Maybe she’s finally forgiven me for setting her aside for your mother.”

“What?” Evelyn sat up and gawked at her father.

“Aggie and I were going to get married, but your mother came to town, and once I'd seen her, well...” His lips tilted in a soft smile of remembrance and his voice grew melancholy. “I'd never met anyone like your mother. There was a wildness about her that intrigued me. I tried to remain faithful to Aggie, but my heart decided otherwise.”

“So you and Mother fell in love and you broke your engagement?” Evelyn asked, loving the romantic story.

“No. Your mother didn't want a thing to do with me.”

“Well, you obviously got together.”

He grinned. “I wore her down with my effusive charm.”

Evelyn giggled. “Now,
that
I can believe. I'll bet she was just playing hard to get.”

“Your mother disliked me. Aggie was her best friend and Mary was offended that I could consider anyone else when I’d already made a promise to Aggie. It was long after I broke the engagement before Mary would consider seeing me. Then of course, she fell instantly in love with my charming personality and begged me to marry her.”

Evelyn grinned and tucked her feet up on the couch. “Then why is Mrs. Brown
sweetening
all of a sudden? Does she have her sights set on you again?”

“No. The day I went into her store with you and Radford was the first time in twenty-five years that she's spoken to me. I guess I just got tired of trying to avoid her and maybe she got tired of hating me. Perhaps she’s just lonely.”

“Then you’re not interested in her?”

“When you love someone as much as I loved your mother there's nothing left for anyone else. In all these years I've never wanted anyone but Mary.”

Evelyn panicked. What if she spent her life with Kyle and never lost her desire for Radford? She couldn’t bear it. “How did you feel when you broke your engagement with Agatha?” she asked, knowing she needed to talk to Kyle.

“Rotten. She was a wonderful friend. But I didn't love her and I couldn't marry her after I knew how I felt about your mother. It wouldn't have been fair to any of us. I hated
hurtin
’ Aggie, but I felt it was kinder to be honest about my feelings.”

“How did you tell her?” Evelyn asked, wondering if her father knew about her feelings for Radford and was offering advice without revealing his suspicions.

“I couldn't think of any other way than to tell her the truth.” His eyes grew distant, his expression sad. “She said she hated me and swore she'd never speak to me again. She didn't until the day I went in her store with you and Radford.”

“It must have been awful to hurt each other like that.” It would kill Evelyn to cause Kyle pain, yet it ate at her conscience each day knowing she was marrying him for less than noble reasons.

“It always hurts to lose a friend. But I couldn’t pass up the chance of your mother's love.”

“Is that what gave you the strength to end your relationship with Agatha?”

“No. It was
knowin
’ there would always be a part of myself I couldn’t give her. I decided that Aggie deserved more, and I didn't want to live without love.”

A sinking feeling settled in Evelyn’s stomach. She cared for Kyle, but it wasn’t the kind of love her father and mother shared.

“Why so glum, pixie?” Her father asked, patting her hand.

Disconcerted that her heartache showed on her face, Evelyn wrestled a smile in place. “I was just wondering how Mama could have rejected you. You said there wasn't a woman around who could resist you in those days.”

“
Bahhh
. Don't tell me you believe that malarkey. Your mother married me so I'd quit
pesterin
' her.”

“I think she married you because she was a very smart lady who knew what a treasure she had.” Evelyn wrapped her arms around her father and kissed his cheek, feeling deeply thankful for his love. “Personally, Papa, I think you’re priceless.”

Rebecca ran straight for the livery and burst through the door calling for Evelyn. Radford increased his stride and stepped into the barn behind his exuberant daughter.

“You’re home!” Evelyn tossed aside a pitchfork and threw her arms around Rebecca. “I missed you, sprite.” They clung together as if they’d been apart for years instead of the four days he and Rebecca had spent traveling to Syracuse and back.

“I missed you!” Rebecca declared, clinging to Evelyn’s neck while Radford looked on with his heart aching. Rebecca had been utterly miserable from the minute they had left home. And so had Radford.

Not only had he missed Evelyn, but visiting the city where he and William had enlisted in the 149th NY volunteers had dredged up too many memories for Radford. He’d spent three endless years of fighting with that regiment before returning to Syracuse, battle-worn and forever changed, his pride hanging in shreds.

“Welcome home, Radford.”

Evelyn’s voice snapped Radford back to the present. He wanted to rush forward and sweep her into his arms, but he kept his feet planted despite the raw need coursing through him.

Kyle stepped from Gabrielle’s stall. “What the hell took so long to get a doctor?”

Radford choked out a laugh as he tried to gather his scattered senses. He nodded toward the doctor standing in the doorway. “I want you to meet an old friend of mine.”

Amid introductions they wandered to the porch where William

slept in a chair. When he opened his eyes and saw Rebecca hopping on one foot near Radford, he yelped in surprise. “Come here and give your grandpa a smooch, you little rascal.”

Rebecca climbed onto his lap and squeezed his wrinkled neck until his cheek bunched beneath his eye. When she drew back, she touched a finger to his face. “You have water on your cheek, Grandpa.”

“Got a little dust in my eye,” he said, backhanding a tear from his face. He glanced up at Doc Kendall for a moment before recognition dawned. “
Lawd
! Is that really you, you old Salt Boiler?”

Radford laughed at William’s use of their regiment’s old nickname.

Doc Kendall chuckled and shook William’s weak hand. “Who else would bother to come clear out here to see an ornery old cuss like you?”

Before William could respond, Rebecca scooted off his lap and tugged on Evelyn’s hand. “I got a present for you, don’t I, Daddy?”

Radford’s smile was a balm to Evelyn’s aching heart. How she’d missed seeing that face and hearing his laughter.

“Rebecca picked it out,” he said.

“Yeah! All by myself,” she declared importantly. She bent her elbow and tried to wiggle her hand into Radford’s pocket. “Get it out, Daddy.”

Radford laughed and reached in to withdraw the treasure. Evelyn would have thought it was gold the way Rebecca so proudly presented it to her. With care, she untied the pink ribbon and opened a small jewelry case, but when she saw what was inside, she gasped. It
was
gold! It was a pin in the shape of a miniature magnolia blossom, inlaid with mother-of-pearl. Evelyn traced a trembling finger over the delicate petals, remembering the day Radford told her that her mother claimed it was good luck to catch a falling magnolia blossom. Deeply touched by the beautiful reminder of her mother, and the fact that Radford would give her something so special, Evelyn wished she could thank him, but she couldn’t with Kyle looking on. Instead, she knelt down and hugged Rebecca. “This is beautiful,” she said.

Rebecca drew back and captured Evelyn’s cheeks between her hands. “Could you be my mama?” she asked, hope shining in her brown eyes.

The child’s innocent plea for love shook Evelyn to the depths of her soul and she lifted her watery gaze to Radford. There was nothing she desired more than to make this precious child her own, to soothe her heartaches and share in her laughter, to watch her grow from dimples and curls into the graceful loveliness of womanhood. But when she glanced at Kyle’s closed expression, Evelyn knew she needed to answer with caution. Warily, she shifted her gaze back to Radford, hoping for guidance, but he looked as though someone had just died. The air crackled with tension while they all awaited Evelyn’s answer.

With deliberate tenderness, she took Rebecca’s hands in her own and gave them a gentle squeeze. “You would make the most precious daughter a mother could have. I couldn’t love you more if you were my very own,” she answered, trying not to crush Rebecca’s hopes while salving Kyle’s concern.