Shades of Gray (39 page)

“I—I thought I was doing it for both of us.” Miller exhaled a shaky breath, ran one hand through his hair. “What’s going on? You seem angry.”

302 | Brooke McKinley

Danny looked away and Miller could see how hard he was fighting back his emotions, his throat muscles straining beneath the skin. “What did you expect?”

What had he expected? Danny to fall into his arms and thank him for coming, to be so happy to see him that they could avoid all the tough questions? Yeah, if he was being honest, that was about what he’d envisioned.

“Did you hear I had a new job and think I was a new man? I told you I wanted to be a better person, Miller, and I meant it. But there’s no quick fix for me. I’m not there yet, not by a long shot.”

“I don’t… I didn’t….” Miller blew out a tongue-tied breath. Why was this so damn hard? Why couldn’t he say in words what he held in his heart? Everything he wanted Danny to know, to hope for, was stuck in a bottle with a broken cork blocking the neck. “I’m not there yet, either, Danny. I’m just trying to live a more honest life, trying to get my shit together, like we talked about.”

Danny let out a ragged sigh, hiding his face from Miller. “I hate to break it to you, but I’m still the same fucked-up mess I’ve always been. Maybe a little shinier on the outside, but the inside is still an ugly place.” Danny’s words zinged between them like wild bullets, Miller not sure who or what the intended target.

“I don’t believe that, Danny. This life you’re living now, it’s proof that you are changing.”

“Oh, yeah?” Danny challenged. “Well, every day I walk home from work, back to this shitty apartment, and I pass guys selling crack on street corners and I think about calling him, about asking for my job back. I wonder what he might say if I made that call. I think about it, Miller, and I probably always will.”

“You think you’re the only one who has thoughts like that? I still wake up some days and wish I wasn’t gay, wish I could have that life with Rachel that I planned out for myself. And I doubt those thoughts will ever go away for me, either.” He took a step toward Danny. “So what if you think about calling Hinestroza. You haven’t actually done it, have you?”

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Danny shook his head, his eyes floating down to the floor.

“We all have our demons, Danny. Yours aren’t worse than anybody else’s.”

“That’s a load of crap, Miller, and you know it. Look at what you did… because of me. You let Hinestroza walk away. Before me, you would never have done something like that.”

“It doesn’t matter what I would have done before!” Miller nearly shouted. “Don’t you see? Because by that day in the kitchen, I was already a different man. What we found together had already changed me. In a good way, in the best way. It opened my eyes to the crap life I’d been living. I made the deal with Hinestroza because I had to. There was no other possible choice for me.” Miller threw up his hands, fishing for some way to make Danny understand, willing to open his soul if that’s what it took. “Do you remember that day on the park bench, when you asked me how I was going to live with letting Hinestroza go?”

Danny nodded, still not looking at him. “Yeah, I remember.” Miller caught Danny’s eyes as they tried to glide past. “Well, it turned out living with it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.

Because I realized living without you was the alternative. I wouldn’t change it. Not even if I could.”

“How can you say that?”

“I can say it because you were the trade. Your life. And saving you was worth any price.”

“Miller.” Danny shook his head, moving to stand against the wall.

Miller felt a moment of frustration so huge it threatened to eclipse his hope. What if he couldn’t convince Danny? What if Danny didn’t want to believe?

Then you keep trying, Miller. You keep trying.

And maybe that was the simple secret: not giving up. Pushing forward, no matter the odds. He stepped up, right in front of Danny, where he couldn’t look away.

“I don’t have all the answers, Danny. I never have. But I know I 304 | Brooke McKinley

want to be with you.”

“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again,” Danny said, almost to himself, as if Miller hadn’t spoken. “I walked away. I thought you’d move on, find a way to be happy.”

Miller stared at him. “Is that what you’re doing? Are you happy now, are you moving on?” The thought tore at him, left him feeling gutted, hollowed out with loss.

Danny shook his head, his face marked with grief. “No. No, I’m not happy, and you’re always on my mind.”

“What makes you think it’s any different for me?”

“I don’t… I still don’t deserve you.” Danny sounded like a starving man turning away from a meal, a tortured man refusing relief.

Keep trying.

“What makes you think I deserve
you
, Danny? You think my life was rosy, so fucking perfect before you came along and screwed it up?

Is that what you think? Well, it wasn’t. I was so lonely and closed off, and scared to take a good look at myself. And then you showed me a way it could be different. A way
I
could be different. You saw right through all my bullshit, and you made me see through it too. And yeah, you’re right, bad things happened, but Jesus, look at all the good there was too. Can’t you see how good it was? Don’t you remember?” Miller’s voice broke and he lowered his head, pressing his thumbs into his closed eyelids, exhausted by the effort of giving voice to what was private within him. “I don’t know if you deserve me or I deserve you. How about we just deserve each other? How about that?” Miller let his hands fall and stared into Danny’s eyes, willing him to see the truth, offering up the best he had to give. “I love you, Danny,” he said. “I love you.”

Danny’s eyelids fluttered down. He reached out blindly to clutch at Miller’s T-shirt, bunching the cotton in his palm. He didn’t pull Miller closer, simply held him that way, tight and captive. Miller could feel the heat from Danny’s skin, and it took everything he had not to reach out and touch, fighting so damn hard to give Danny the space to Shades of Gray | 305

decide.

Danny’s fingers and eyes opened at the same moment, his gaze rising to fix on Miller’s. “I need you to be sure, Miller,” he said, his voice rough. “Because this is who I am. All the ugly parts of me are here to stay. I’m never going to outrun my past, not all of it. It’s a package deal. So be sure, because this is who I am.” Miller leaned forward, bracing his hands on the wall on either side of Danny’s face. “I like who you are. And I like who we are together.” He spoke each word carefully, a promise unfurling between them. Miller understood that Danny’s past was part of the package.

And that past held dirty secrets, but it was also what made Danny the man who fit with Miller the way no other human being ever had. That past had shaped Danny into the person Miller was meant to be with, the man Miller knew he was meant to love.

They stared at each other for long seconds. Miller’s skin felt electric, buzzing with need under the hot weight of Danny’s gaze. “Can I touch you?” Miller asked gently. “Because I think I might die if I don’t.” They weren’t words he’d ever imagined saying, but they sounded right against his lips. He wasn’t ashamed of them.

“Yes,” Danny nodded, his voice a breathless sigh. “Yes.” Miller moved his hands from the wall to cradle Danny’s face, his fingers still dancing a nervous tune. “Danny,” he whispered as he brought his mouth forward, going slow. He wanted to taste and touch, he didn’t want to rush. Danny lips were warm and soft under his, opening to allow his tongue inside, the wet heat of Danny’s mouth wringing a moan from Miller’s throat.

“I love you,” Danny murmured. His voice sounded watery, full to the brim.

Miller’s hands moved down Danny’s chest, working their way underneath his shirt, spreading flat across his stomach. “Say it again,” he urged.

He felt Danny smile into his mouth. “I love you, Miller Sutton.” Miller yanked on Danny’s T-shirt, tugging it over his head, 306 | Brooke McKinley

feeling Danny do the same to his, and then they were back against each other, bare skin coming together as their arms clutched tight. Miller took a moment to just breathe against the warmth of Danny’s body, his heart so full he thought his chest might crack wide open, joy spilling out like blood.

Danny buried his face in Miller’s neck, not speaking, his breathing ragged. Miller pulled back a little, running his fingers down Danny’s chest, pushing Danny away when he tried to touch in return.

“Just let me… let me look at you,” he said.

Danny leaned back against the wall, the breath whistling out of him in stunted gasps as his eyes followed Miller’s hands down his body. Miller stopped at the small purple scar on his abdomen, raising questioning eyes.

“My kidney,” Danny explained.

“I thought the scar would be in the back.”

“No, they take it out from the front.”

Miller dropped down to his knees, his face buried in Danny’s stomach. He wished he could make it all go away, but that would mean he and Danny would not have been, so the regret would have to be part of it, forever a part of them. Miller ran his fingers along the scar, following the path with his mouth, his hands moving to loosen Danny’s jeans, easing them down over his hips, Danny’s feet slipping out of his shoes.

When Danny was naked, Miller sat back on his heels, taking his time looking, letting his eyes have their fill. He’d thought he remembered how beautiful Danny was, but he hadn’t, not really. His latest battle wounds only added to his appeal, new paths for Miller to explore. The scars reminded Miller of how strong and beautiful Danny was on the inside, where it mattered most of all.

“Come here,” Danny whispered, pulling at him with both hands.

“Wait.” Miller brought his mouth to Danny’s thigh, licking the old scar the way he’d tried to once before. He felt the muscles harden under his tongue and held his breath, waiting to see what Danny would Shades of Gray | 307

allow. But then Danny’s legs spread slightly, the skin softening against his mouth as Danny released a sobbing moan that might have been Miller’s name.

He traveled his way up Danny’s body, leaving a glistening path in his wake. When he reached Danny’s mouth again, it was demanding, sucking hard against Miller’s tongue, nibbling light vampire kisses along his bottom lip. Danny reached down and took Miller’s hands in his, walking backward into the bedroom, pulling Miller along with him, their mouths never losing contact as they moved.

The small bedroom was sun-dappled, the wind casting tree-branch shadows against the creamy walls. Danny sat on the edge of the unmade bed and positioned Miller between his knees. Miller noticed he wasn’t the only one with uncooperative fingers, Danny’s trembling hands interfering with his task of removing Miller’s jeans.

Danny finally managed to pull the buttons free, tugging the denim and cotton down together. Miller stepped out of the bunched material, flinging his jeans and shorts away from the bed with one foot after kicking off his shoes. He looked down at Danny’s bent head, wishing he could see his face. But Danny was concentrating on other things, running both hands up Miller’s thighs, his fingers kneading lightly as they moved. He smoothed the backs of his fingers over Miller’s hard length, his thumb flicking against the tip.

“Did you think about me?” Danny asked, breaking the silence of their shattered breaths.

“All the time.” Miller raked his fingers through Danny’s dark hair, tipping his head upward, tracing along the new scar partially hidden beneath Danny’s rough stubble.

“What would you do, when you thought about me?” Danny’s voice was low, almost a growl, and the eyes he raised to Miller’s revealed a wild and reckless freedom Miller had never seen there before. But he thought he understood it. They were released, different men than they had been the last time they were together this way.

“I’d close my eyes and remember you. How you looked and smelled. How you tasted.”

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“Let me see,” Danny coaxed. “Show me what you would do.” Miller reached down and wrapped his fingers around himself, pumped his hand slowly, doing this with Danny watching so much more erotic than he could have imagined. He didn’t feel any shame, not for what he was letting Danny see, not for standing naked in the daylight with another man. Not for any of it. Danny put his hands on Miller’s hips, his mouth coming forward. Miller’s slick fingers bumped against Danny’s lips as he fisted his hand up and down, increasing the pace as Danny sucked harder.

“Christ, Danny,” Miller gasped. He pulled his hand away and Danny took more of him into his mouth, causing Miller’s hips to thrust forward, his orgasm already thundering into view. “Danny, stop,” he cried, tangling his fingers in Danny’s hair. “Stop….” Danny pulled back, their eyes catching as Miller slid out from between Danny’s lips. Miller pushed forward with a snarl, knocking Danny back onto the bed, landing across his body with a muffled groan. Before Danny could move, Miller reached between them, taking Danny in his hand, doing to Danny what he’d just done to himself.

Danny whimpered low in his throat, twisting his face into the curve of Miller’s neck.

“I like touching you better,” Miller panted.

Danny moved his head so they could look at each other. “I don’t know,” he teased on a whisper, his hips bucking against Miller’s hand.

“It was pretty sexy watching you do that. You’ll have to do it all the way some day.”

“We’ve got time,” Miller said, his hand stilling, his eyes serious on Danny’s. “Lots of time.”

Danny reached up and ran his finger along Miller’s jaw in his old, familiar way. The heat from his touch tunneled under Miller’s skin, sprinting along his nerve endings. It felt like fire might shoot out of his fingertips, lightning radiate from his skin.

“I want you inside me,” Danny murmured, his finger still stroking against Miller’s cheek.

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Miller’s stomach flew to his throat, crashing back down like an elevator with a severed cable. Danny smiled that wide grin that Miller had been waiting for since the moment they’d seen each other on the sidewalk. The one that made Miller wish they could have back every second they’d been apart.