Shades of Gray (17 page)

The job Miller had chosen because it felt safe and insulated—free
from self-reflection, its parameters and goals clearly defined with no
room for errors or individuality—ended up feeding the doubts Miller
had been trying to starve into silence.

He was hanging on, though—some days with two strong hands,
other days by his bitten-to-the-quick fingernails. And then he’d gotten
the call, the nod from above he’d been
waiting for: the go-ahead to
begin surveillance on Danny Butler.

DANNY was slamming around in the kitchen. Miller smiled into his pillow as he listened to the sounds of Danny starting his day, a sideways glance at the bedside clock showing 9:03 in the morning. The man couldn’t make a pot of coffee or pour a bowl of cereal without it turning into a production. In spite of the noise, Miller liked knowing Danny was out there performing his morning rituals.

Then why don’t you get your lazy ass out of bed and go see him?

They’d parted company in the living room last night, Danny leaving Miller where he sat, closing his bedroom door softly behind him. When Miller had finally leveraged himself up with a defeated sigh, he’d noticed Danny’s gun was missing from the table. He hadn’t wanted to argue about it anymore, his anger burned out of him, leaving only exhaustion behind. He’d brushed his teeth and fallen into bed, 128 | Brooke McKinley

welcoming sleep so he wouldn’t have to chase his thoughts around inside his head.

And now he was scared to face Danny. Scared of where they would go from here. Danny was right; there was no going back. But Miller didn’t see a clear way forward, either. He should call Colin, tell him he wanted off the Butler babysitting duty, and have another agent sent over to take his place. But what if they assigned some rookie, a newbie who’d make a stupid mistake and get Danny killed? Or Miller could stay. But he knew what staying meant. There was no way he and Danny could be in this apartment together and not touch, not kiss, not continue what they’d started. Miller had willpower, but he wasn’t an idiot.

First thing you’ve got to do is get out of this room. Go talk to him.

You’ve had his dick in your hand and your tongue in his mouth, and
you can’t sit down and eat a bowl of
cereal with him?

Miller pulled on some jeans and a clean T-shirt and ran a hand through his hair. Danny was still in the kitchen, shirtless, his back to Miller as he crammed a filter into the ancient coffee maker on the counter. One glance at him and Miller felt the pins and needles of anticipation. The desire to touch, the need to taste Danny’s skin was obviously not sated, because Miller’s tongue was longing to make that journey again.

“Hey,” Miller said, his voice a tangle of sleep and lust.

“Shit!” Danny exclaimed. As he pivoted, the spoon he was holding turned to pepper the floor with coffee crystals. “You scared me. Is that the first thing they teach you at the FBI Academy, how to lurk in doorways?”

Miller smiled. “I think it was the third lesson.” He pulled out a chair and sat down. Danny leaned back against the counter, watching him with careful eyes.

“How’d you sleep?” Danny asked.

“Good. You?”

“Pretty good.” Danny dipped into the coffee again, dumping the Shades of Gray | 129

new spoonful into the machine. The comforting gurgle of promised caffeine filled the kitchen.

“Miller—” Danny began.

“We need to start thinking about what you’re going to do after this,” Miller said swiftly. “They’re going to be starting the ball rolling for the Witness Protection Program, and it helps if you have some ideas about the kind of work you might like to do.” Miller looked down at the table, away from the disappointment he saw in Danny’s eyes.

“Okay,” Danny said. “I guess drug runner is out as a future career option.”

“You’re kidding, right?” Miller asked, eyes snapping to Danny’s.

Danny shrugged, taking two mugs from the cabinet above the sink. “It’s about all I’m qualified to do. And I’m good at it.”

“You don’t seriously want to go back to that life, do you?” Danny didn’t answer right away. “I don’t know. I don’t think so.

But there were parts of it I liked. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t.”

“Like what?” Miller asked. He didn’t even try to keep the disbelief from his voice.

“The money. And this sounds weird, considering how Hinestroza runs my life, but the independence. No clock to punch, no one telling me to be at work at a certain time. My time was my own, for the most part.” Danny stopped to fill the mugs with coffee, the steam rising up into his face. “And I liked being good at something, being someone Hinestroza relied on. Working on some blue-collar assembly line isn’t going to afford me the same benefits.”

“No, but there is the ‘no one trying to kill you or arrest you’ part that might be a nice change,” Miller pointed out, taking his coffee from Danny’s outstretched hand.

“I guess,” Danny said. He didn’t sound convinced.

“I don’t understand you,” Miller said, exasperation making his voice harsh. “I thought you’d be glad to be leaving that life behind. To be moving on to something better.”

130 | Brooke McKinley

“Better is relative, though, isn’t it? I mean, sure I get a ‘new’ life.

One where I don’t know a fucking soul in the world, where I’ve got to work some menial labor job because that’s all I’m qualified for. A life where I never get to see Amanda again, or Griff, or… anybody I care about, and I’m watching my back until the day I die. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like a real treat.”

“But you’ll be alive, Danny,” Miller said.

“Yeah,” Danny sighed, his tongue running along his lower lip.

“I’ll be alive.”

The silence in the room felt heavy, that thick-with-implications quiet that Miller felt so often when he and Danny were together. He watched as Danny set down his coffee mug, took a purposeful step in his direction. “Miller,” he said, trying again.

The cell phone in Miller’s pocket sprang to life, the jangling ring startling him, making his hand jump against the table. He checked the caller ID. Colin. “I have to take this call.”

“Fine,” Danny nodded, looking away. “Fine.”

Miller walked into the living room before flipping open the phone. “Hello?”

“Hey, Miller. How’s it going?”

“The usual.” Miller slipped on his coat and shoved his feet into tennis shoes. “What’s up?” He pulled open the sliding glass door and stepped out onto the balcony, shutting the door behind him. It was frigid outside, the day gray and bleak. The icy rain of the night before had ended, but snowflakes were floating down, not sticking to the pavement yet, but catching on tree branches and grass, snagging on Miller’s hair as they tumbled to earth.

“We’ve checked all the unsolved murders in this area. Don’t think we’ve got any matches on an Ortiz. There are some John Does out there, but none of Hispanic descent. We’ve got one unidentified Hispanic woman, but that’s it.”

“Huh,” Miller grunted, pinching the phone between his ear and shoulder so he could light a cigarette. “I don’t think it’s a woman.” Shades of Gray | 131

“Why not?”

“Don’t know, really. Just a hunch.”

“You want me to have them keep looking?”

Miller raised his eyes to the sky, let snowflakes gather on his lashes, blurring his vision. “Yeah,” he said. “Tell them to try Texas.

Near Dallas. That’s where he was up until about ten years ago.”

“You got it.” Colin paused. “You still holding up okay there?”

“Yeah. I’m fine,” Miller said, exhaling a plume of cigarette smoke into the frosty morning air. He didn’t know if it was true, but he couldn’t afford to have that conversation with Colin. “When are we getting him down to the Marshall’s office for the Witness Protection interview?”

“I have a call in to the U.S. Attorney’s office. I’ll let you know when I hear back. Call if you need anything,” Colin instructed.

Miller hung up the phone, tucking it back into his pocket. His hands were stiff with cold, the snow falling harder now, a thin layer coating the cement floor of the balcony. He started to open the door and head back inside but pulled up short when he saw Danny standing on the far side of the sofa, watching him.

Miller looked through the glass, looked into those green eyes. He knew what he wanted. He just didn’t know how to go about getting it without losing everything he already had. His job would be gone if anyone found out, his idea of himself in pieces on the floor, and his relationship with Rachel compromised in every possible way.

You still think you’re ever going to marry Rachel? Or any
woman? After what you feel when another man touches you? Stop
kidding yourself, Miller.

He tossed his cigarette down in the dusting of snow and stubbed it out with his foot. He knew if he did this, if he followed where his body wanted to lead, he wasn’t going to be able to hide anymore. He was going to have to start answering those questions he’d been ducking all his life.

Maybe it’s about time. Maybe it’s about time you started
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answering some fucking questions of your own.

But what was the point of doing this, becoming lovers with Danny Butler? Did his body have that much control over him? Could lust drive him this far off the path he’d chosen for himself?

But it wasn’t just lust, and he damn well knew it. He liked being around Danny. Liked the way he sounded and the way he smelled and the way he made Miller feel… like someone finally understood him.

Like he finally had a friend.

Maybe it would all work out fine. No one would ever have to know. It would be their secret, something they shared while they were stuck together in this apartment. It would end when Danny testified and they could both enjoy it while it lasted. No need to make it more than it was.

Are you out of your mind? What the hell are you talking about?

You honestly think—

But Miller silenced the voice by action. He opened the door.

DANNY waited in the kitchen until he heard the sliding glass door close. He took a sip of coffee, wincing at the bitter taste. He didn’t even really like the stuff, but he’d started drinking it when he was sixteen because it made him feel grown up. And now he needed the caffeine, just like he needed the nicotine—he’d started smoking at fifteen for the same reason.

He figured Miller was talking to Rachel; otherwise why would he be out on the balcony? Or maybe the conversation was about him.

Maybe Miller was making arrangements to leave, have someone else take over this job. The thought made Danny’s hand clench around the coffee mug. He couldn’t imagine sharing this small space with anyone but Miller, couldn’t imagine someone else stepping in to take his place.

Danny left his mug on the counter, poking his head into the living room to find Miller still outside, his hair dusted with white. It was early for the first snowfall, but Danny wasn’t complaining. He wouldn’t have Shades of Gray | 133

to drive in it and he loved the way the snow always made everything so quiet and clean, like the whole city was starting over.

Danny watched as Miller tipped his head back, eyes on the sky.

Danny could see his lips move, but only the faintest murmur carried through the glass door. Miller spoke again and then tucked his phone into his pocket, turning toward the door and Danny, who couldn’t pull his eyes away. He’d never wanted someone the way he wanted Miller, had never been so scared about what it all meant. He’d thought he was done with caring about people, with hurting them because he was lonely and needed to feel connected, even if it only lasted a little while.

After Ortiz and Amanda he’d had enough, had promised himself never again.

Pretty soon you’re going to be gone from here, anyway.

Disappeared into the wide world. No more Danny Butler. So what’s the
harm? What’s the harm in pushing forward?

But Danny knew what the harm was. He knew exactly what Miller had meant the night before when he’d said he wanted to be the man he was before he met Danny. Danny didn’t have anything to lose, but Miller had a career at stake and a woman who loved him. What could Danny offer to compete with that, except a few weeks of rolling around on a bed? Was he going to end Miller’s career, force him into admissions about himself he wasn’t ready to make, leave him without even Rachel for comfort?

Why the fuck are you always worrying about him? You should be
more worried about yourself. You’re the one with your life on the line.

You wouldn’t have to testify if Miller’s boss knew about last night.

Hinestroza would probably be amused by the poetic justice of you
sacrificing an FBI agent’s career on his behalf. That might be just the
kind of offering he’d need to welcome you back into the fold. No
indictment with his name on it, and an FBI agent ruined. He’d love it,
Danny, you know he would.

The voice was sneering and cocky, Danny’s interrogation-room voice, the one he used on cops and lawyers, the one that had grown quieter with each day he’d spent near Miller Sutton. That voice had 134 | Brooke McKinley

served him well for a long span of years; it had kept him alive and kept him strong. But it was an intruder in this private space he’d created with Miller, and he hated hearing it again, back at full volume, proving it wasn’t gone but had only been waiting for an opportunity to remind him of the man he’d been for so long.

Danny imagined what it would be like to betray Miller. It would mean not having to worry about Madrigal finding him and handing down his own brand of torturous justice. Danny could step back into his old life, work for Hinestroza again. He pictured the look on Miller’s face when he found out what Danny had done, all the warmth gone from those familiar gray eyes. It would mean proving all Miller’s preconceived notions right, solidifying his belief that he’d be a fool to take a risk on someone like Danny.

Danny had spent his life making shitty, spur-of-the-moment decisions: getting into the car with Hinestroza; being lonely enough to say yes to Ortiz; marrying a beautiful girl with a red flower in her hair.