Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (17 page)

Say you enter a bar. The initial scope is important because it will determine many of your next moves. Before
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you actually move into the throngs of people, you pause for a brief moment and do your subtle survey. Where are the people who are having the most fun? Where are the geeky losers?

Where are the bar trash types? You should be able to answer all these questions in a single sweep. So the next step, unless you have some sort of fatal attraction for geeky losers, is to head right in the direction of the fun part of the room. These are the people you want to be near, and while you can’t exactly crash their conversation, it’s much better to be near them than near all those high-hairs huddling in the back. The other factor to consider is optimal viewing positions, both in terms of seeing and being seen. You don’t want to end up in a dark corner where no one can see you, and where you can’t have a good view of the action.

Gay bars are usually designed a lot better than straight bars in terms of scoping. The circular scope, sometimes called a twirl, is Danny’s favorite way to check out the lay of the land.

The circular scope is simply a walk around the entire bar, and in gay bars, at least, you can almost always do a full circle without running into a dead end. The circular scope can be solo or with a friend. If you go with a friend, don’t forget to stop every couple of minutes, toss your head back and laugh out loud. That way, everyone will know how much fun you are, and they’ll also figure out that you and your friend aren’t an item. If you’re in a bar with a male friend of any persuasion, it’s superimportant to keep scoping the room so other guys know you’re unattached. The scope is particularly useful in bookstores, gyms, art openings and Starbucks.

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TARGET PRACTICE

So while you’re on a twirl, you see an attractive guy whom you wouldn’t mind hooking up with. He looks your way, and now comes the meaningful eye contact phase. Just look right back at him for a good bit—say, five seconds—smile ever so slightly, then look away. The next time you look in his direction, voilà, he’s looking back, and you do the same thing all over again. This can go on for quite a while and, admittedly, can go on for absurdly long periods in gay bars. Chances are that since he’s a guy and you’re a gal, he’ll make the first move.

You can facilitate this by heading in his direction and ordering a drink nearby. If he’s smart, he’ll step up and buy your drink.

Otherwise, keep him in your sights and continue with the eye contact. Check out what he’s drinking. This is also a good time to check out his pants, shoes, and any accessories to make sure he’s up to your high standards.

If he’s really hot, buy him a drink. This can be done two ways. The first, which can be a lot of fun, is to have the bartender deliver the drink to the guy. Usually the bartender gets all into it and loves doing it, but Danny ended up with a dis-aster one time when he described the guy’s outfit very carefully to the bartender and nodded in the guy’s general direction.

All of a sudden, some other guy wearing the exact same thing swooped on to the scene and landed the complimentary cocktail. It happened so fast that the poor bartender didn’t even know he’d given the drink to the wrong guy. Danny decided it was time for a twirl, and the hapless impostor never did find out where the drink came from.

The other, safer, way to buy a guy a drink is to order it
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yourself and hand it to him. At least this way, you can be sure the right guy will get it. He’ll probably be so shocked that you did this that he’ll be a bit speechless, so you had better be prepared with a good opening line after you say, “Here, I thought you might like this.” Just remember that all you did was buy him a drink, and you shouldn’t assume that because he accepts he has to sleep with you. If he opens his mouth and sounds like a dirtball, feel free to end the conversation politely and head back to your friends. Remember, never be rude in a bar, because the guy you snub tonight could be your job inter-viewer tomorrow.

CLOSING THE DEAL

In business terms, the guy you end up meeting will be a

“qualified lead,” meaning that he’s already shown some interest in you, via eye contact or whatever, and that you have a good shot at landing him, if you want to. As in any business, however, closing the deal is tough. We’ve said before that part of your new sexual persona is the confidence that you
can
have what you want, and once you get it, it’ll be the best ever. Danny has had numerous encounters where they end up at his place after a date, then talk until the wee hours of the night. Eventually the other guy says, “It’s late, I’d better be going.” Danny says, “Fine,” then walks him to the door, they chat for a few more minutes, and then the goodnight kiss turns into a marathon make-out session.

This may work well for you, too. If you don’t want to let the guy into your place, the decisive moment still comes at your apartment door. The fact is that someone has to make
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the first move, and it might as well as be you. As we’ve said, gay guys don’t usually have to worry about taking the lead, and neither should you. Knowing what you want is important, too. If you make it to the door and decide you don’t want a make-out marathon, then just say “Good night,” and let him go. The point is that you have to take some risks, and if it doesn’t work out, you have to be ready to move on to the next one without looking back.

Seductive gestures and conversation are skills worth honing, but don’t overdo it. Danny has a strategically timed stare, head toss and chuckle. Other guys swear that casually running a finger back and forth over the lower lip works like a charm, and girlfriends have reported some success by using the same gesture with a neckline. Subtle is the key. Keep your ears open for a lead-in. If the guy says, “I don’t want a relationship, I’m just into fooling around right now,” you can say, “Me, too.”

This may sound idiotic, but guys throw stuff out to test the waters. Once they think that you tacitly agree, they feel much more comfortable about taking the next step. According to our friend Fred, this technique has landed him two long-term relationships, not to mention more than a few evenings of great sex. When all else fails, remember the cardinal rule—just grab it!

HAVING IT YOUR WAY

Those sitcoms where the wife says, “I’ve got a big surprise for you when you come home tonight,” might sound funny on TV, but that’s not the way to get what you
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want. You’ll do better if your suggestion can be acted on at that very moment. Throughout this book, we’ve told you how to stroke, massage, tickle and titillate. Starting with a soft, sultry voice, a few eyelash flutters and, most important, a couple of touches to his arm, inner wrist, hand or thigh, will undoubtedly get your intentions across. Getting what you want in bed is not all that hard. Women often let the guy take the lead in the beginning, and the guy wants to show off what he can do. Fine, let him. Just remember to “ooh” and “coo” at what you like. He’ll get the idea.

Sometimes, a guy might be a pig and not think about what you want. Gay guys have the advantage of being able to do exactly what they want done to them on the other guy. We still recommend this technique as the best one for getting your point across. But sometimes, like when you’ve been married for a while, or have fallen into a humdrum routine, you have to be a bit more explicit. That’s when it’s important to know how and when to ask without sounding like a professional.

If you want him to do something he’s done in the past, but seems to have forgotten about lately, just murmur, “I really love it when you…” or “Thinking about (fill in the blank) really makes me wild.” To get him to try a new position, just do it.

To get him to try a new technique, you might try saying that you had this incredible sex dream the night before, and describe what you wanted and how you reacted. Don’t even give a second thought that he’ll think you’re a tramp. Men love sex a lot, but he’ll love the fact that you want great sex with him even more.

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A WINNING WAY WITH WORDS

Some folks love to talk during sex, and others can’t stand it.

We both fall into the latter category, and could no more utter

“Do it to me hard, baby” than drive naked down the L.A.

freeway. Gay guys make a big joke about the inane dialogue in porno flicks. But some people, guys especially, get a charge out of talking during sex. If you feel like you have to say something, see chapter 9. Just keep it short so it doesn’t sound like a lecture. More difficult is shutting him up if he insists on talking and you want to fantasize about Tom Cruise. The best technique is to plant a kiss on his lips and keep it up till he gets the point. If that doesn’t work, try lightly running your fingers over his mouth and whisper, “Sh-h, I love to hear your heavy breathing.” If you want to get more graphic, tell him you love to hear his man-grunts, but we would certainly have a hard time doing this with a straight face.

AWARDING REWARDS

Gay guys rarely say anything positive or negative about their partner’s performance, because everyone involved knows whether the sex was good, lousy or off the Richter scale. Most guys would prefer saying nothing, rolling over and going to sleep, but some women think they have to give a postgame wrap-up. Again, the key here is keep it simple, like “Wow,”

or “That was great.” Your moans and heavy breathing will let him know what really turned you on, and if you are happy.

But if you want to know whether or not to

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fake it as a way of reinforcing good behavior, the choice is up to you. Just be assured that he can’t tell if your contractions are voluntary or involuntary, so do what you please; Mr. Stiffy will be none the wiser. Mr. Stiffy, and your partner, will be so ecstatic with your new sexpertise that you’ll be the one who’s getting the trophies.

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Dear Dan

Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
COMMONLY ASKED QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Dear Dan: Do “blue balls” really exist, and, if so, what are they?

Blue in the Bayou

New Orleans, Louisiana

Dear Blue: I’ve never had them, but my friend Philip claims that he almost
died from them once. He was all prepared to hook up with his boyfriend
after a long absence, and then drove several hours to the beach. He was
young at the time, and got so excited during the ride that his balls basically
froze up and became so supersensitive that he couldn’t even touch them.

He says that blue balls are the result of delaying ejaculation too many times.

Even after the long ride, sex was out of the question. All poor Philip could
do was go to sleep and hope for a fresh start in the morning
.

Dear Dan: Every time we have sex, I close my eyes. I think it would be a real turn-on to watch my boyfriend masturbate. How do I tell him I want to watch?

Eyes on the Prize

Watch Hill, Rhode Island

Dear Eyes: 1. Open your eyes. 2. During your manual labor, guide his
hand toward his penis, then start masturbating yourself. He should get the
hint
.

Dear Dan: This might sound like a weird problem, but my boyfriend’s penis is really huge. I can get it inside my
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vagina, but there’s no way that it fits in my mouth. What do I do?

Trixie Slim

Big Sur, California

Dear Trix: Believe it or not, this is not an uncommon problem. Do the best
you can by moving up and down the sides, and try to get just the tip in
your mouth. Use your hands on his shaft, and save your mouth magic for
his balls and thighs
.

Dear Dan: My girlfriends and I disagree about this. If you sit and bounce around on a guy’s lap, will he get hard or will you squash it and hurt him? Please advise.

Jumping Jackie

Rolling Meadows, Illinois

Dear Jacks: The trick here is to control your bounce and concentrate on
rubbing him the right way. If the guy is nude, start with a slow, rhythmic
movement of the hips, as boisterous bouncing may hurt him. We don’t
recommend this if he’s wearing clothes, because his balls may get snagged
in his pants
.

Dear Dan: I really love sex in the A.M., as it makes me feel great before I go to work. The trouble is that my husband really has bad breath in the morning. Is it poor etiquette to suggest he get up and use some mouthwash?

Breathless in Boca

Boca Raton, Florida

Dear Breathless: Yes. Remember what we said about setting the stage.