Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (16 page)

If a guy’s at your place, you may have a problem on your hands. Perhaps a bit overimpressed by appearances, a friend of ours invited this Harvard grad back to her place and they started fooling around. Curiously, the same hands around the neck thing happened, but this guy wouldn’t leave. He got so angry that he threw an ashtray and shattered a full-length mirror. Our friend kept her wits about her, scooped up his clothes, tossed them out the door, and locked herself in the bedroom to call 911. Lucky for him, he was gone before the cops arrived.

Gay men have an advantage in that their physical prowess is more on a par with their partner’s. But who wants to be in a situation where you have to use force? The best advice we can offer is to make your feelings known
before
you get into compromising positions. Maintain your cool and refuse politely but emphatically. Do not crack a smile or he might think “no”

means “I can be convinced.” If that doesn’t work, butt him in the head, show him the door or use your handy glass of ice water to put a damper on his dingle.

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COPING WITH FRUSTRATION

Speed Shooting

Premature ejaculation may trouble some women, but gay men don’t give this much thought. Why? Because while gay guys want to be memorable in bed, the ultimate object is getting off. So why should they care if he comes too soon or not? But since these tips are designed to make him feel really great in bed, and feeling potent is part of it, we suggest simply getting round one over with and going on to a lengthier, more satisfying round two.

Drunk Dick

Ah, the scourge of partying! This is a tricky situation because there’s a point where nothing you can do will charm the snake. In this instance, close your eyes and take a nap. Hung over or not, Mr. Stiffy will probably say hello in the morning, or he might surprise you with an appearance in the middle of the night.

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Drug Dick

We’ve pleaded with doctor friends to offer tips on how to counteract the sorry, saggy side effects of prescription drugs such as Prozac and Paxil. Not one doctor could offer a clue. These drugs don’t prevent erections, but they can prevent ejaculations. While he may not be able to finish the job, he’ll enjoy the sensations you offer with your new hand and mouth skills.

Be gentle, be tender, be reassuring, be sexy. Tell him he still really does it for you. But by all means, let him know that you would welcome a little oral and manual motion on you while his parts are in the repair shop. He’ll probably feel good that he’s able to please you, even if he can’t get himself into gear.

That brings us to another category of drugs: illegal substances. We’re not talking about hooking up while you’re high, or stuff that makes you feel all warm and cuddly. We’re talking about substances that lead you to believe you can leap a tall building in a single bound. Why is this a problem? Because a guy can stay hard forever on this stuff. What’s worse is they think this is great. This situation is remarkably similar to another situation we’ve encountered, only this one is substance-free:

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Pig Dick

There are few things more boring, whether you’re a straight woman or a gay man, than waiting for your beau to have an orgasm after you’ve had yours. While, naturally, we want him to have the most memorable sexual experience of his life, we have run into one or two fellows who may be just a bit of a pig about orgasms. They make you do every move imaginable, and they still won’t let it rip. If this sounds like something you’ve encountered, give it your best shot, but don’t be disappointed if your hot techniques are to no avail. Just make it clear by your actions that your hand, or mouth, or whatever is getting a little tired, and that it’s time for him to do his thing. If he’s already working on himself, don’t take over, or he’ll never let up. If he absolutely refuses to have an orgasm, then you may want to turn on the TV or light a cigarette to let him know that you consider this performance over.

Schizo Dick

This seesaw scenario has our dear friend Mr. Stiffy up, down, and everywhere in between. Our friend Margie once brought home this

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young, studly looking guy who worked at an Italian restaurant. He got it up and put a condom on.

Everything was fine for a while, but then it went down and he took the condom off. She was very nice about the whole thing—the first time. She was less nice the second and third times. Several hours and a six-pack of condoms later, she decided it was too much effort to even throw this loser out. She went to sleep and made him buy her an expensive brunch the next morning. When the means outweigh the end, cut your losses.

Dead Dick

Sometimes, you might be faced with a flaccid phallus.

If it’s a first-time encounter, things may just need to mellow out a bit. Except for Danny, who swears this has never, ever happened to him, every guy deserves a break. You’ve now got all the skills it takes to perform magic. But there will be times when, even if you follow our tips, nothing will awaken the sleeping gi-ant. If this happens to you again and again, start by taking a fair assessment of yourself. If you know it’s not you, it’s time to consider your relationship to the person in question. Is he a prize fish, or should you catch and

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release? Dead dicks for long durations have dire consequences. Rest assured that, with your new sexual stratagems, should you decide to ditch, you’ll certainly be prepared for the next guy on your dance card.

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13

How to Get What You Want

(Besides a Great Reputation)

Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
Our friend Barbara told us about the time she saw a really hot guy on the New York City subway. They had meaningful eye contact all the way from lower Broadway to the Upper West Side. Her heart was pounding, as the thrill of actually meeting this man intoxicated her. Finally, he stood up to exit at the 96th Street station, and poor Barbara, headed for 110th, watched him leave the train and never laid eyes on him again. What a pity she wasn’t privy to the pointers that could help her snag her prey. A few days later, she asked our gay friend Russell what she should have done, and he laid it all out for her. Barbara should have followed the guy off the train—all the way back to his apartment building, if necessary. If they still hadn’t spoken, she should have followed him into the building and looked as if she were visiting a friend, maybe even rung some random apartment. Russell figured that if she made it that far, something was bound to happen. While Barbara couldn’t imagine being so brazen as to actually pursue this tactic, she had to admire the plan. The maneuver revealed what most gay men already know: If you’ve got someone in your sights, go for it, and don’t stop until you get what you want—or until you decide you don’t want it anymore, whichever comes first.

While to some straight folks it may seem that gay guys can’t settle down, most will admit to a certain fascination with the gay ability to get what one wants. It’s a combination of confidence, luck, timing and the fact that most guys are ready for sex just about all the time. As our dear girlfriend Anna says,

“Women need a reason to have sex and men just need a place.”

True or not, gay men have a whole arsenal of
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tactics designed to turn chance meetings into tricks—that’s gay talk for one-night stands—flings, or even long-term relationships. Now it’s your turn to pick up some pointers.

PREMIUM PRIMPING

Even if they’re just running out for a drink with friends, gay guys wouldn’t dream of heading to a bar without a full primp first. You never know whom you may run into, and you have to be prepared for anything. That’s why a facial mask, shave, shower and deep conditioner for the hair are absolute musts.

You’ll want to do all of this, too, and even though a gay guy might be shaving his face, and other parts, you’ll know what areas you need to tend. This could also explain why gay men are notoriously late, although they never miss an appointment at the tanning salon. That’s because knowing you look good makes you feel great, and when you feel great you’re ready to be fabulous.

Sometimes, we have more fun during primp time than when we actually do go out. First, we’ll open a bottle of champagne, or mix up some gimlets, then start with the facials. Gay buddies may watch a Bette Davis movie during this phase, but we often opt for Marilyn Monroe, Lauren Bacall or
I Love Lucy
reruns.

Next, we’ll head off to the showers for shampoo, scrub, shaving and makeup. Most gay guys never wear makeup, but a little tube of cover stick can come in handy when faced with a monster zit or dark circles from too much dancing the night before. Then it’s time for the hair products.

Our friend John has a very elaborate method of doing
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
his hair. After a shower, he sits with a de-bouffing base-ball cap on for exactly fifteen minutes, then he applies a leave-in conditioner with his hands—he wouldn’t think of using a comb—and leaves that in for five minutes. Next, he blow-dries his hair with an old seventies brush dryer. Then he adds a few quick curls with his curling iron, affectionately known as Wanda, followed by major hair spray. Of course, any over-the-head clothing has been put on long before the spray to avoid any mussing. One time, John insisted we simulate the lighting in the club we were headed for so he could be sure his hair shine would dazzle the crowd.

OUTERWEAR AND UNDERWEAR

Gay guys spend as much time determining their outfits as someone else might do strategizing the winner of the Kentucky Derby. Starting from the inside out, they pick their underwear with the attitude that someone else may see it, and you should do the same. Squeezing yourself into a super-spandex body-shaper may be fine if all you have in mind is for people to gaze at you, but not if you’re ready for serious action. Danny has his favorite flannel boxers, and Maggie has her cranberry lace duo. You should know what’s right for you.

Select clothing carefully, because you can be sexy without looking like an ad in
Hustler
. You want to show off your best features. Danny wears black turtlenecks or blue oxford shirts to show off his blue eyes. Maggie wears a short skirt to show off her legs. While gay men always know exactly what’s
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in style, straight guys don’t have a clue. They only know if you look good, so work it.

Even if it’s freezing out, gay guys never take an overcoat into a club. If there’s no coat check, then they’d have to drag it around with them all night, and who wants to worry about losing a cashmere coat while on the dance floor? Worse, who wants to make a hot prospect wait while you stand in line to get your wrap? If you’re driving, leave the coat in your car, or just jump in a taxi and hope that you’ll be in someone else’s limo on the way home.

One last note on dressing: Another of our informal polls shows that all men—gay and straight—detest large handbags and backpacks, especially in a bar or club. Our friend Charlie remembers a woman he was ready to move on one night. Unfortunately, she kept shifting her gigantic handbag from floor to lap to bar and, according to his description, did an absurd-looking Mexican hat dance around her bag on the dance floor.

Stuff your necessities into a pocket—either yours or a guy friend’s—or find a small bag you can deal with easily. Save the suitcase for when he flies you to Acapulco for the weekend.

CRUISING AND SCOPING

There’s a slight difference between cruising and scoping that is sometimes blurred in conversation. Cruising is what straight people think gay guys do all the time: hunt for other guys to pick up. And that probably is what most of us think when we use the term; there’s definitely a sense that the cruiser is looking for action, and soon. Scoping, on the

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other hand, is a much more subtle and creative endeavor. You can scope just about anyplace and, in fact, you have probably done it lots of times, you just didn’t call it that. You can scope out a bar, a dance floor, a rock concert or a Bach concert. The basic act is the same: a quick but inclusive survey of all the potential “menergy” in your sightlines. No meaningful eye contact here, just a short, not obvious, glance in all directions.

All gay men learn scoping at an early stage as part of their coming out; soon it will be second nature for you, too.

Street scopes, better known as “gaydar,” are like radar on the road. Any gay man can tell you about the scope, stop and turn. You’re walking down the street and see another guy; you both check each other out as you walk past each other. Then what? Keep walking, count to three and turn around. If he’s interested, he’ll do the same. Sometimes, it will happen three or four times and you’ll be almost a block apart. It’s very exciting at this point. You can decide that your coffee date with your best friend is more important, or you can turn around and start walking toward him. He either waits for you to catch up or starts heading back toward you. Out of politeness, Danny always opens with something like “Didn’t I meet you at Stephen’s party last month?”—even when he knows darn well that he’s never laid eyes on the guy before. Sometimes you’ll get a date for later, sometimes you’ll never see him again, and sometimes you’ll end up calling the coffee shop to let your friend know that you can’t make it.