Sex Secrets of an American Geisha (22 page)

Wedding (Getting Married) vs. Marriage
(Staying Married)

Finally, as you create and implement your plan, always remember that ultimately you want a great marriage with your Good Man, not just a great wedding. Do not make getting married the focus of your efforts; rather, focus on the longer-term goal of being or staying happily married.

Never focus on the wedding itself. Do not let the wedding add psychological or financial pressure to your relationship. Do not let parents, family, or others influence the type of wedding you have. The wedding is important as a celebration of the event of your marriage, so it should be taken seriously as a significant life passage. Still, consider that yours should be smaller and less expensive rather than larger and more expensive.

As you focus on your relationship and on your long-term, happy marriage, you are more and more becoming an American Geisha.

S
o far in this book I may have said some things, such as how much I love to fuck, that could be considered out of line. And some readers may feel that I ask you, as an American Geisha, to focus too much on taking good care of your man. Now, as I address the issue of body weight, I realize that the P.C. police will be ready to accuse me of all types of crimes against women, against feminists, and against heavy people. However, for my Amer ican Geisha Younger Sister to have her best chance of being married to her Good Man within twelve to eighteen months, I must gird myself for attack and carry on. I was in denial about my weight for a long time. I suffered such unhappiness, even after I faced the truth: I was fat, very fat. My fat was a major reason why men literally did not want to look at me or talk to me (or dance with me or date me or fall in love with me or marry me). They didn’t want to get to know this nice, sweet, overweight woman.

Out of Control Weight and Its Impact

Throughout this book, as your Older Sister I have shared with you some of the mistakes I made, the lessons I learned, and the happy marriage that I fi nally achieved at age thirty-seven. I believe that nothing in all of my experi ences and failures had a greater negative impact on me than my out-of control weight. First, it had a direct negative impact on my confidence and happiness. What woman can be confident or happy when a man says to her face, as one did to mine, “You are a fat pig”? Or a female neighbor com ments, “Your thighs are as big as my waist”? Or a brother half jokes that you’re so round that if you fall down you would roll and not get hurt? Sec ond, it had an indirect negative impact on me through the men whom I met. In a word, my being overweight was unfeminine. Men, being visual animals, were not attracted to me as a big woman. “Bigness” is masculine, not femi nine. Most men are visually attracted to women who look feminine, who look relatively smaller in contrast to the man’s relative bigness. The man’s biological urge to conquer and protect, his testosterone-driven masculinity, is further engaged by your (relative) smallness and vulnerability. Even the Asian Geisha’s whitened face, resembling that of a doll, suggests a vulnera bility and fragility, a need to be protected. Let your best weight encourage your Good Man to feel that you are his delicate treasure, in need of his cherishing and protection.

Being overweight made me invisible to most men. At singles’ dances men would stand over to the side and search the room with their eyes, de ciding whom to ask to dance. I would watch them from afar and see that their glance wouldn’t even slow down when it came to another large woman or to me. Their brains would barely register, “Big, keep moving,” as their eyes continued to sweep around the room, pausing to look at the features of smaller women. Men literally never saw me, only saw the rather large space I occupied, and moved on. It hurt a lot that by the end of many evenings I had not said even a single word to one man. As nice as I was, no one at all had bothered to talk to me.

While I was dating Neil, I always felt hungry. I had to eat. But I now know that I was hungry for love and attention from Neil, not really for food. Over the five years I spent with him, I looked for excuses about why I needed to eat. Every food had some story attached to it. Even if I didn’t have a reason for eating, I tried to make one up. It’s a windy day; I need to have some hot soup. It’s a full moon tonight; I must celebrate with rice cakes. I’ve got PMS; must have some chocolate cookies. I’m stressed; must get some protein from a pastrami sandwich or Italian sausage. I’m up early; I’ll have a Deluxe Breakfast with hash browns at McDonald’s. I heard that clam chowder was good for depression, so during a blue spell I ate the creamy soup daily for almost two weeks. Here was a favorite: When I missed being in Korea, I would go to L.A.’s Koreatown and overindulge in the good tastes of my old home. I was at my worst weight, just over 130 pounds (at four feet nine inches tall), while I was involved with Neil.

Attract More Good Men

If you are overweight, just a little or quite a lot, I want to help you, as I helped myself, to lose that excess weight and be both beautiful and more healthy. And more visible to more potential Good Men. If you are already married, you are already visible to your husband on a daily basis—or are you? Does it seem, perhaps, that he doesn’t really notice you all that much, perhaps no longer expresses admiration for your body? Have you put on some pounds since the wedding, since the baby, over the years? If so, I want to help you make his eyes pay attention again, so that he will be newly attracted to his shapely American Geisha wife.

Most of the Good Men you might consider dating, having sex with, and marrying are attracted to lovely and feminine women who are at or near their most beautiful weight. An overweight woman, generally, is not consid ered either beautiful or feminine. Furthermore, being at your right weight is considered sexy, but being overweight is not. Yes, there are some men who find a large woman beautiful, feminine, and sexy (especially if she’s toned herself nicely at the gym), but I think those numbers of men are relatively small.

The American Geisha’s situation is at least as competitive as that of the Asian Geisha. Just as the Asian Geisha wants to present her best self to attract and keep clients, so do you, dear Younger Sister, want to present your self at your very best to attract the attention of appropriate Good Men. You do not want to be invisible at the dance, in the office, at school, in the meeting, at the store, at the lake, or in the coffee shop. You want men who could be your Good Man to notice you in a positive way, to be struck by you, to be visually attracted to those things in you that men like about women: beauty, femininity, sexiness, and an appropriate, shapely body weight.

I feel that I can courageously throw this difficult topic of weight in your face because I’ve been there. I’ve suffered, as I know that right now some of you nice, sweet, overweight women are suffering. I say, let’s suffer no more. Let’s deny the truth no more. Let’s put up with our overweight no more. Let’s reach a beautiful weight and attract Good Men. Then let’s choose one Good Man to marry, and let’s get on with our incredibly happy lives. And let’s do it now!

When you get to your most beautiful weight, you will automatically have an advantage in the competition for your Good Man. Why? Because at least 60 percent of other women are fat or obese and thus will likely be less attractive to most men. At your best weight you will not be invisible. Rather, you will draw his eyes to you because you will be so attractive.

The Asian Geisha must be very aware and careful about her weight, for even after she is dressed in her several-layered kimono, she must appear slim, beautiful, and feminine to her rich male clients. Although the Asian Geisha is expected to drink much alcohol with the men she entertains, she does not eat at all while she works. Her lifestyle dictates that she eat when she arises around noon, then again at around 4:00 P.M., before she prepares for her evening, which begins at 6:00 P.M. When she returns home at midnight or later, she may have a snack before going to bed.

If she neglects her beauty, including her lovely figure, the Asian Geisha might well lose her rich businessmen clients to a slimmer, more beautiful geisha. Her competitive business demands that she always present herself at her best: beautiful and feminine, with a figure that pleases her clients’ eyes.

Listen to what men told me about the importance of weight, especially as it relates to first attracting a man’s interest:

“Body attraction is just as strong as, if not stronger than, facial.”

“It’s just initial physical attraction, nothing more.”

“Usually the first impression is through someone’s appearance.”

“Young guys like a pretty face and a hot body.”

“It takes a physical attraction to be interested in a woman.”

“Most men are into looks only. Going on looks first is human nature.”

“Men and women are definitely equal when it comes to how visual they are.”

“The people who look the best are always the ones who have the easi est time finding partners to share life with. It has always been this way.”

“Nowadays looks mean everything.”

“I hear guys at work talking about women all the time, and the num ber-one thing you hear them say is, ‘She is hot,’ or, ‘She is a dog.’ It’s all based on looks.”

“I run away from overweight girls all the time.”

“Procreation in itself is a quick process and only requires physical at traction. This urge and need is in all of us.”

“Physical attributes are definitely something which draws me to some body or would compel me to speak to (her).”

“While there is much more to a good relationship than physical as pects, the physical attraction is also a must for a relationship to last.”

“Physical attraction is that crucial foot in the door.... Then you can learn more.”

To a lesser degree, women also acknowledged the importance of physical attractiveness:

“Yes, it’s true. Men are visual.”

A... man is turned off (by) an obese and unattractive woman. Being slim is a serious must.”

“Men are always looking for the best-looking ladies to date. All they care about is a woman’s look and hot body.”

Early in my relationship with my husband, Rich, while I still weighed about 120 pounds, I asked him why he was dating me since all of his previ ous girlfriends had been thin. He said, “I see the nice shape of your legs.” He didn’t tell me that I was fat. Instead, he saw potential in my legs, which I thought were the worst parts of my body. He was telling me that if I could lose weight, then I could have nice legs. He bought me a bikini, even though my fat belly hung over the bottom piece. Rich motivated me even more to continue to lose weight. He always said to me, and continues to say today, “You get more beautiful every day.”

Within two years I went from 130 pounds, alone, unhappy, unmoti vated, always tired, and pessimistic, to 90 pounds, married, very happy, quite motivated, energized, and optimistic. Those 40 pounds that I lost mattered. My weight mattered. Without that weight loss I might still resem ble the woman I described at the beginning of this paragraph, especially the “alone” and “unhappy” parts. I believe that your weight matters, too.