Sex & God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality (30 page)

Both traits have their plusses and minuses. Would the world be better without risk takers? Would we find world harmony if everyone were introverted and socially constrained? Is it desirable that everyone be extroverted? That is essentially what religion insists when sex is involved. Religious sex
is by definition restricted. No sex before marriage, no porn, no sex outside of marriage, no masturbation, etc.

Where would Paul or Jesus fall on the SSO scale? Or, where would Solomon or David score? Where would some religious leaders have scored, such as Mohammed, Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Jim Jones or David Koresh?
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Adventurous, risk-taking leaders are often sexually unrestricted (think of John Kennedy or Newt Gingrich), and that is often the case for religious leaders as well.

There is a certain irony in sexually unrestricted, charismatic leaders telling their followers to be sexually restricted. On the other hand, it is just as unrealistic for sexually restricted priests or ministers to force their followers into a sexually restricted religious box. Their followers span the full spectrum of SSO. It is unlikely that an extroverted person could change to an introvert at a priest’s command, and it is just as unlikely that a sexually unrestricted person could become restricted.

Undoubtedly there are problems and dangers on both sides of the SSO line, but it is better to know what our tendencies are and deal with them openly than to hide them under the stifling dogma of religion. Some non-religious people are restricted in their SSO orientation whereas others can be more open with their sexuality and its expression. There is no reason why either side has to be right or wrong or better or worse; they just
are
! For those who are sexually unrestricted, there are dangers in how they handle their sexuality with respect to disease and dealing with emotional attachment. Having a predisposition toward an unrestricted sexuality is not a license to ignore good sexual practices with regard to both health and emotions. If you are a high SSO person, you still need to negotiate sexual relations responsibly. It does not take a religion to tell you that.

If your genetic predisposition is toward sexual restriction, this may skew your view of others, especially those who are not like you. Just because you do not need variety, sexual adventure or stimulation does not say anything about others. Those “others” could be your children, parents, friends or coworkers – even your spouse. Judging others because they are not like you
leads to broken relationships and a tendency to self-righteous behavior. A restricted parent may fail to understand and properly coach a child who is unrestricted. It is difficult, if not impossible, to teach or coach someone if she feels you condemn her for her natural tendencies.

In the general population, 10-20% are naturally restricted. They can easily follow the rules and strictures of their particular religion because that is their natural predisposition. The naturally restricted person may feel little need to masturbate and may find porn uninteresting. The restricted couple may find that sex once a month in missionary position is just fine. They see nothing wrong with it nor feel any pressure to do anything else, and they are correct with respect to their preferences.

Less restricted persons may feel sexually constrained occasionally and find that a good masturbatory session with some porn relieves the urge. They probably feel no need to find a paramour or to engage in flirtatious behavior at the office. A couple who is in the middle of restricted-unrestricted may feel the need to experiment occasionally, try a new toy or position or learn new sexual techniques. They also would understand the need for their mate to masturbate and fantasize about others occasionally.

More troublesome is the religious couple with one restricted and one much less restricted mate. With religion in the mix, the restricted mate not only brings his or her naturally restricted tendencies to the relationship but also the ammunition of religious guilt.

It is difficult for a naturally restricted individual to understand the needs and desires of the less restricted, who often express the attitude, “I don’t need it so why should you?” Instead of supporting the spouse’s desire and need that the other doesn’t have, religion leads to devastating stress on the marriage that often disrupts the couple’s sexual relationship and breaks up the marriage.

This is true for both men and women. While women tend to be more restrictive than men in our culture, a significant number of women want far more sex than they get from their husbands, but religious taboos prohibit them from discussing and negotiating openly with their partners.

Finally, unrestricted persons may feel guilty about their “sinful” desire but act on it anyway. Unrestricted religious people will behave according to their biology, but feel terribly guilty about it afterwards. This can lead to a cycle of out-of-control behavior, followed by a period of unremitting guilt and repentance, then back to the behavior. On the surface, it looks
like an addiction, but in reality it is religious-induced mental illness. (Note that religions would have you believe it is an addiction, since that puts the spotlight on the behavior and not the ultimate cause, the religion.)

In light of religious teachings on sex, unrestricted people often feel they are fundamentally flawed. They are sinful and rebellious against god for having strong urges that go against the church’s teachings. If the religious belief is deep enough, a person will not be able to look at his behavior rationally. The result can be a destructive cycle beginning with some religiously prohibited sexual behavior followed by repentance and prayer for a few weeks. Soon biological urges surface again, and he goes back to the behavior, followed by repentance once more. The process keeps him focused on guilt, not on rational ways to enjoy and express sexuality. Every time he goes through the cycle, it makes him feel less worthwhile. At the same time, the only way he can get relief is by going back to his religion.

The religious guilt cycle interferes with learning and change. Rather than learning who he is as a sexual being, he measures himself against an impossible religious sexual standard and always comes up short. Absent religion, many unrestricted people can deal with their behavior in a rational manner. Taking guilt out of the equation allows a person to see how he is hurting himself and others and what he can do about it. Eliminating guilt about sex allows a person to talk about needs and desires more honestly and negotiate with possible partners. If a person feels shame about his desires, he is unlikely to talk about it with anyone. As long as the cycle of guilt persists, harmful behavior will likely continue.

It is because of this pattern that I do not believe there is such a thing as sexual addiction. If there is, it is far less common than religious people would have us believe. The notion of sexual addiction, while not just an invention of the religious community, has certainly been taken up and championed by preachers and religious leaders in recent years. It fits within their guilt narrative and brings people back to the church that gave them the guilt in the first place.

151
Baumeister, R. F. (2000). “Gender differences in erotic plasticity: The female sex drive as socially flexible and responsive.”
Psychological Bulletin
, 126, 347-374.

152
Schmitt, D. P. (2005). “Sociosexuality from Argentina to Zimbabwe: A 48-nation study of sex, culture, and strategies of human mating.”
Behavioral and Brain Sciences
, 28, 247-311.

153
It is a simple 9-item survey that can be taken and scored by yourself. (Penke's in-press version of the revision article is available at
www.larspenke.eu/pdfs/Penke_in_press_-_SOI-R_chapter.pdf
).

154
Bailey, J., Kirk, K. M., Zhu, G., Dunne, M. P., & Martin, N. G. (2000). “Do individual differences in sociosexuality represent genetic or environmentally contingent strategies? Evidence from the Australian twin registry.”
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
, 78, 537–545.

155
Wilson, E. O.,“On Human Nature” reprinted in
The Biology and Psychology of Moral Agency
, (1998), p. 58.

156
Louisiana senator David Vitner was involved with several prostitutes. He prayed and asked for forgiveness and was reelected senator. Ted Haggard, president of the National Association of Evangelicals, was caught with a male prostitute and doing methamphetamines. He was prayed over by a group of fundamentalist preachers and was declared “cured” of his homosexuality (but did they cure his meth addiction?). He now has a new and thriving church in Colorado Springs. Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting in the men’s bathroom in Minneapolis in 2007.

157
Schmitt, D. P. (2005). “Sociosexuality from Argentina to Zimbabwe: A 48-nation study of sex, culture, and strategies of human mating.”
Behavioral and Brain Sciences
, 28, 247-311.

158
All these leaders had many wives or sex partners and gave religious justification for their behavior.

Religion teaches us to ignore our nature and redirect the energy toward a god. As a result, people suffer emotional and psychological problems
.

Religious leaders are in the business of telling everyone how to behave sexually. If their message is correct, the evidence might be found in significantly more “moral” behavior than their followers. In a revealing 2005-2006 report by the arch-conservative Francis Schaeffer Institute, 1,050 pastors were surveyed about various behaviors and stressors in their jobs. Here are some of the results:
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• Of the 1,050 (100%) pastors surveyed, every one had a close associate or seminary buddy who had left the ministry because of burnout, conflict in their church or from a moral failure.
  
• 808 (77%) of the pastors surveyed felt they did not have a good marriage!
  
• 399 (38%) of the pastors said they were divorced or currently in a divorce process.
  
• 315 (30%) said they had either been in an ongoing affair or a one-time sexual encounter with a parishioner.
  
• Almost 40% said they had had an extramarital affair since beginning their ministry.
  
• 70% of pastors constantly fought depression.
  

Of the 13 findings in this report, the author says, “This is key” on three of them, all dealing with Bible study, personal devotions and teaching doctrine. The conclusion is that more Bible study would cure these pastors of their depression and make them happy.

Let’s look at the dynamics of relationships within religious marriage and how it impacts mental health. It may give us a clue about what is going on with these pastors besides their poor Bible study habits.

A conservative minister has been clinically depressed for decades, taking medication and being in therapy off and on for years. He was pastor of the largest church in his community until he had an affair with one of the married women of the church, causing him to get fired. He and the woman divorced their respective spouses and married each other. He immediately found another less conservative church and became a pastor again. He went
right back into the depression pattern and within a few years acted out sexually again and got fired. In counseling he once stated, “My sex drive keeps me from Jesus.”

When he left religion entirely, he found he was not depressed or sexually obsessed. His second wife was delighted when their sex life came back. Now he feels relaxed and in control of himself with no antidepressants. “Getting Jesus out of my life and bedroom was the best thing I could have done,” he stated.

How do you tell a minister that religion is causing much of his depression and sexual obsession? The constant low-level pressure and stress of redirecting one’s sexual energy causes emotional problems. Constant repression can lead to depression in one or both spouses. Treating depression often requires that a patient identifies and changes self-defeating thinking. Identifying religion as the problem is especially difficult, since people often retreat to religion to deal with their depression. In reality, however, while religion promises peace and fulfillment, it often creates more of what caused the depression in the first place.

Depression is not always caused by sexual repression or religious ideas, but these are often contributing factors. Remember the story of Rich and the Pentecostal church in
Chapter 17
, where all the women were sexually unavailable to their husbands? The guilt cycle and early religious training were very likely involved in those families. Moreover, using religion to treat depression often makes the problem worse. It’s like treating a disease with more of the disease. It is effective in getting people to give time and money to the church, but it does not help the victim.

This pattern may go a long way in explaining high divorce rates among the more conservative religions in the United States, especially among the clergy.
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Not only are clergy subject to the same irrational religious ideas as their followers, such as “prayer cures depression,” they also see that their efforts don’t seem to help. For a pastor who genuinely wishes to help people, the constant evidence that he is not helping may eventually take a toll on his mental health and undermine his religious marriage. In social-psychology research this is called social defeat stress.

Any relationship involves a power exchange. A free flow of power allows everybody involved to contribute and get their respective needs met. In a patriarchal religious marriage, power is hierarchical: men are dominant, and women are subservient, causing a serious disruption in the natural flow of power between the mates.

It is amusing to watch male religious leaders walk the tight rope of male dominance while trying to keep their assertive wives looking submissive. He must model the “head of the house,” and she must appear “submissive” to him. The truth may be the opposite. She may be dominant and he submissive. Living such an act 24 hours a day is hard.